DOI Heft:
October 12, 1867
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16880#0155
October 12, 1867.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 143
A DREAM AFTER GOOSE.
t. Punch,—Dreams, as a rule, are
not interesting, but last night I
had, I think, an exceptional one.
1 dreamt that, being an old
widower, I had gone and got
married, I knew not how, to a
young wife, and rather wished I
hadn’t. That since the morning
of my wedding-day I had somehow
been staying in the country, alone.
That I had returned to my bache-
lor’s lodgings of long ago near
Oxford Street. That I had left my
bride with her friends in a street
adjoining Bedford Square, at a
house of which I had forgotten
the number. That I questioned
what she would think of that. That
I wondered how I should be able
to face my real wife in the Happy
Hunting Grounds. That 1 went
out for a ramble anywhere or no-
where, with my eyes shut by way
of a freak. That when I opened them I found myself in the midst of
slums, complicated with a subterranean tunnel, as I thought miles
from London. That, however, I found a row of cabs, took a Hansom,
and rode homeward, with the driver inside. Awoke on my visionary
journey, and found myself at liberty, with nothing to pay. Imagine the
joy of yours, undoubtedly a martyr to Sage and Onions.
Michaelmas, 1867.
P.S. I had eaten two large helpings.
BULLETS AND BRAINS.
Our instructive contemporary, The British Medical Journal, says
that Dr. Sarazin, a professor of the Eaculty of Strasbourg, has, with
the assistance of various surgeons, been trying experiments to ascer-
tain the kind of effects produced by Chassepot rifle shots on the human
frame. Dr. Sarazin instituted his experiments on certain “ subjects ”—
of the animal kingdom of course—and from experiments :—
* The principal conclusions which he draws are:—That at short distances the
orifice of exit of the ball from the body is enormous—from seven to thirteen times
larger than the ball.”
“’Tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church door” ; not
quite: “ but’tis enough : ’twill serve.” Having had such a hole as
that made in his body, a man is indeed pretty well “ peppered for this
world ” ; with a no small peppercorn. Moreover :—
“ The arteries and veins are cut transversely; the muscles tom and reduced to
pulp ; the bones are shattered to a considerable extent, and out of all proportion
with the dimensions of the projectile.”
The time will perhaps come when Posterity will think that every
one among their forefathers who willingly put himself in the way of
incurring those lesions of his bones, muscles, and bloodvessels, for
any earthly consideration, must have been a madman. Some thinking
persons may even now wonder how anybody, except in the spirit and
faith of a martyr, can choose to subject his muscles to the probability
of being reduced to a pulp by a bullet unless his brains have degene-
rated into something of a pulpy consistence. The “nations who delight
in war,” that is to say, in inflicting the injuries above described on
their species, at the risk of suffering the same themselves, must be
very hard-hearted ; but surely the hardness of their hearts is matched
by the softness of their brains.
Occasional Reflection.
If cant and platitude,
Posture and attitude.
Could, to beatitude,
Show you the way,
0 boundless gratitude
In, depth and latitude !
How Shovel Hat it would
Bid you repay !
SAYING THE RIGHT THING.
“ Alpaca Pomatum. Heads of families will find this one of the
purest and most economical pomades ever introduced.” This adver-
tisement goes to the point. Comment is superfluous, and italics would
be an insult!
A WORD FOR THE READERS.
Reading is a pleasure, to very many people; for instance, what can
equal the delight of countless myriads in weekly reading Punch? But
to many other people reading is a business, and a very dreary business :
for instance, few employments are more wearying than that of a reader
for the press.
To decipher scrawls and hieroglyphs, which authors call their “ ma-
nuscripts ; ” to compare them with the proofs, which are delivered wet
and sticky and redolent of ink ; to correct a faulty sentence or a word
which is mis-spelt ; to put in proper capitals, and take out such italics
as most clearly are redundant, though the author may not think so ; to
have a careful eye for noting all unevenness of print; to supply the
missing commas, colons, and full stops : all this is dreary work, and
dismally mechanical: but besides all this, the reader must have a well-
stored mind, and be able to correct a mistake in a quotation, not in
English merely, but in Latin, Erench or Greek. Moreover, he must
mind his p’s and y’s, and other letters of the alphabet, and must know
enough of etymology to divide a word correctly, when a syllabic
separation is required to fill the line.
In dreary labour such as this, London readers, on the average, work
for nine hours every week day, and rarely get more holiday than four
days in the year. They sit in close, hot closets, where the jarring of
the printing press is dinning in their ears. Their eyes are injured by
late night-work beneath the glare of gas, and their brains are also
weakened “ by excessive application when publishers are pressing.”
Moreover, they are subject to “ Consumption, cephalalgia, nephritis,
hepatitis,” and certain other ailments with formidable names.
Great work and little pay makes Jack a sad boy. To enable them
to take a more cheerful view of things, the readers are requesting an
advance of ten per cent.: the small addition of two shillings to each of
their pounds. Readers are not savages, like sawgrinders, and the
like; and as they have no trade union to help them to their rights,
their employers run no risk of a blowing-up by gunpowder for refusing
the advance. But they stand in imminent peril of a blowing-up by
Mr. Punch, who, being a hard-worker himself, can sympathise with
such hardworkers as the readers, who, he thinks, are hardly paid
enough for their hard work.
A KINDLY WARNING.
A number of Dissenting Ministers met last week upon Lambeth
Bridge, and having sung a hymn, and pelted the steamboats with
walnut-shells, they passed a resolution that there ought to be a new
Archbishop of Canterbury. Then they sang another hymn, and
went away.
Well, that’s a parable. Because nothing of the kind was done.
Dissenting Ministers are generally too acute to put themselves in a
false position.
But, according to Dr. Gray, Bishop of Cape Town, a large body of
Episcopal clergymen, of high rank, have done something of the same
kind, and with exactly the same right and authority. A conference of
Bishops, he says, has decided that a new Bishop of Natal may be
appointed, vice Dr. Colenso, whose arithmetical commentaries on the
Mosaic history displease Dr. Gray.
The Primate and the Bishop of London have taken prompt pains
to disavow Dr. Gray’s statement, and to promulgate the dogma of his
Inaccurate Conception of what took place at the Episcopal conversa-
zione. But some Church folks are very silly, and may take Dr. Gray’s
allegation for fact, and proceed to act in the way he desires. We beg
them previously to read our parable, and to be convinced that if they
follow Dr. Gray they will be much worse off than the imaginary Dis-
senting Ministers. Not only will their proceedings be inoperative, but
the law officers of the Crown may have something to say to them. We
don’t make and unmake Bishops at tea-parties, whatever may be the
opinion of the Spoons.
JUSTICE, HER SCALES, AND OTHER PEOPLE’S.
“ Weights and Measures in Holborn.—Yesterday nine persons trading in the
Holborn district were fined before the Justices of the Special Sessions held at Free-
mason’s Tavern. Mr. J. Fysh Pownall, in the chair. One licensed victualler, one
beer retailer, ODe flour and corn dealer, one cheesemonger, two greengrocers, one
chandler, one potato dealer, and one dealer in rabbits. The maximum fine wa
£l 15s., and the minimum, 5s.— Wednesday’s Times.
A minimum of five shillings ! Ah, Mr. Pownall, why didn’t you
make it a pound-all ? And please why don’t you give us the “ names,
weights, and colours ” of the deriders—who laugh Justice to scorn,
and falsify her scales on the sly ?
Change of Name.
Barrow-in-Furness, noticed lately for its Dukes and Docks, has
extensive iron and steel works. Ought it not to be called Barrow-in-
Furnace ?
A DREAM AFTER GOOSE.
t. Punch,—Dreams, as a rule, are
not interesting, but last night I
had, I think, an exceptional one.
1 dreamt that, being an old
widower, I had gone and got
married, I knew not how, to a
young wife, and rather wished I
hadn’t. That since the morning
of my wedding-day I had somehow
been staying in the country, alone.
That I had returned to my bache-
lor’s lodgings of long ago near
Oxford Street. That I had left my
bride with her friends in a street
adjoining Bedford Square, at a
house of which I had forgotten
the number. That I questioned
what she would think of that. That
I wondered how I should be able
to face my real wife in the Happy
Hunting Grounds. That 1 went
out for a ramble anywhere or no-
where, with my eyes shut by way
of a freak. That when I opened them I found myself in the midst of
slums, complicated with a subterranean tunnel, as I thought miles
from London. That, however, I found a row of cabs, took a Hansom,
and rode homeward, with the driver inside. Awoke on my visionary
journey, and found myself at liberty, with nothing to pay. Imagine the
joy of yours, undoubtedly a martyr to Sage and Onions.
Michaelmas, 1867.
P.S. I had eaten two large helpings.
BULLETS AND BRAINS.
Our instructive contemporary, The British Medical Journal, says
that Dr. Sarazin, a professor of the Eaculty of Strasbourg, has, with
the assistance of various surgeons, been trying experiments to ascer-
tain the kind of effects produced by Chassepot rifle shots on the human
frame. Dr. Sarazin instituted his experiments on certain “ subjects ”—
of the animal kingdom of course—and from experiments :—
* The principal conclusions which he draws are:—That at short distances the
orifice of exit of the ball from the body is enormous—from seven to thirteen times
larger than the ball.”
“’Tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church door” ; not
quite: “ but’tis enough : ’twill serve.” Having had such a hole as
that made in his body, a man is indeed pretty well “ peppered for this
world ” ; with a no small peppercorn. Moreover :—
“ The arteries and veins are cut transversely; the muscles tom and reduced to
pulp ; the bones are shattered to a considerable extent, and out of all proportion
with the dimensions of the projectile.”
The time will perhaps come when Posterity will think that every
one among their forefathers who willingly put himself in the way of
incurring those lesions of his bones, muscles, and bloodvessels, for
any earthly consideration, must have been a madman. Some thinking
persons may even now wonder how anybody, except in the spirit and
faith of a martyr, can choose to subject his muscles to the probability
of being reduced to a pulp by a bullet unless his brains have degene-
rated into something of a pulpy consistence. The “nations who delight
in war,” that is to say, in inflicting the injuries above described on
their species, at the risk of suffering the same themselves, must be
very hard-hearted ; but surely the hardness of their hearts is matched
by the softness of their brains.
Occasional Reflection.
If cant and platitude,
Posture and attitude.
Could, to beatitude,
Show you the way,
0 boundless gratitude
In, depth and latitude !
How Shovel Hat it would
Bid you repay !
SAYING THE RIGHT THING.
“ Alpaca Pomatum. Heads of families will find this one of the
purest and most economical pomades ever introduced.” This adver-
tisement goes to the point. Comment is superfluous, and italics would
be an insult!
A WORD FOR THE READERS.
Reading is a pleasure, to very many people; for instance, what can
equal the delight of countless myriads in weekly reading Punch? But
to many other people reading is a business, and a very dreary business :
for instance, few employments are more wearying than that of a reader
for the press.
To decipher scrawls and hieroglyphs, which authors call their “ ma-
nuscripts ; ” to compare them with the proofs, which are delivered wet
and sticky and redolent of ink ; to correct a faulty sentence or a word
which is mis-spelt ; to put in proper capitals, and take out such italics
as most clearly are redundant, though the author may not think so ; to
have a careful eye for noting all unevenness of print; to supply the
missing commas, colons, and full stops : all this is dreary work, and
dismally mechanical: but besides all this, the reader must have a well-
stored mind, and be able to correct a mistake in a quotation, not in
English merely, but in Latin, Erench or Greek. Moreover, he must
mind his p’s and y’s, and other letters of the alphabet, and must know
enough of etymology to divide a word correctly, when a syllabic
separation is required to fill the line.
In dreary labour such as this, London readers, on the average, work
for nine hours every week day, and rarely get more holiday than four
days in the year. They sit in close, hot closets, where the jarring of
the printing press is dinning in their ears. Their eyes are injured by
late night-work beneath the glare of gas, and their brains are also
weakened “ by excessive application when publishers are pressing.”
Moreover, they are subject to “ Consumption, cephalalgia, nephritis,
hepatitis,” and certain other ailments with formidable names.
Great work and little pay makes Jack a sad boy. To enable them
to take a more cheerful view of things, the readers are requesting an
advance of ten per cent.: the small addition of two shillings to each of
their pounds. Readers are not savages, like sawgrinders, and the
like; and as they have no trade union to help them to their rights,
their employers run no risk of a blowing-up by gunpowder for refusing
the advance. But they stand in imminent peril of a blowing-up by
Mr. Punch, who, being a hard-worker himself, can sympathise with
such hardworkers as the readers, who, he thinks, are hardly paid
enough for their hard work.
A KINDLY WARNING.
A number of Dissenting Ministers met last week upon Lambeth
Bridge, and having sung a hymn, and pelted the steamboats with
walnut-shells, they passed a resolution that there ought to be a new
Archbishop of Canterbury. Then they sang another hymn, and
went away.
Well, that’s a parable. Because nothing of the kind was done.
Dissenting Ministers are generally too acute to put themselves in a
false position.
But, according to Dr. Gray, Bishop of Cape Town, a large body of
Episcopal clergymen, of high rank, have done something of the same
kind, and with exactly the same right and authority. A conference of
Bishops, he says, has decided that a new Bishop of Natal may be
appointed, vice Dr. Colenso, whose arithmetical commentaries on the
Mosaic history displease Dr. Gray.
The Primate and the Bishop of London have taken prompt pains
to disavow Dr. Gray’s statement, and to promulgate the dogma of his
Inaccurate Conception of what took place at the Episcopal conversa-
zione. But some Church folks are very silly, and may take Dr. Gray’s
allegation for fact, and proceed to act in the way he desires. We beg
them previously to read our parable, and to be convinced that if they
follow Dr. Gray they will be much worse off than the imaginary Dis-
senting Ministers. Not only will their proceedings be inoperative, but
the law officers of the Crown may have something to say to them. We
don’t make and unmake Bishops at tea-parties, whatever may be the
opinion of the Spoons.
JUSTICE, HER SCALES, AND OTHER PEOPLE’S.
“ Weights and Measures in Holborn.—Yesterday nine persons trading in the
Holborn district were fined before the Justices of the Special Sessions held at Free-
mason’s Tavern. Mr. J. Fysh Pownall, in the chair. One licensed victualler, one
beer retailer, ODe flour and corn dealer, one cheesemonger, two greengrocers, one
chandler, one potato dealer, and one dealer in rabbits. The maximum fine wa
£l 15s., and the minimum, 5s.— Wednesday’s Times.
A minimum of five shillings ! Ah, Mr. Pownall, why didn’t you
make it a pound-all ? And please why don’t you give us the “ names,
weights, and colours ” of the deriders—who laugh Justice to scorn,
and falsify her scales on the sly ?
Change of Name.
Barrow-in-Furness, noticed lately for its Dukes and Docks, has
extensive iron and steel works. Ought it not to be called Barrow-in-
Furnace ?