Punch (78.1880)

12 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jamart 10, 1880.

TRANSATLANTIC MARVELS.

iken all aback by
tbe last extraordi-
nary Edison electric
light invention, Mr.
Punch would be glad
if he could announce
as confidently as he
is assured by know-
ing parties in the
Share Market that
he ought to do,
that he has satisfied
himself as to the
merits of the fol-
lowing wonderful
inventions, to be
shortly launched
from America:—

The Two-hundred-
Mile s - an - Hour
Travelling Car. —
This marvellous ve-
hicle is in part ex-
plained by its name.
Not only will it
travel at the above
tremendous rate,
but it will also be
found one of the
most comfortable of
conveyances. The
motive power is ob-
tained from an entirely new and original source. It is calculated
that the cost of manufacture for a car capable of holding one hun-
dred people, will be considerably less than that of a London four-
wheeled cab. As it is self-working, there will be no expenditure
needed for fuel, &c. (This great and glorious invention ought to send
down Railway Shares considerably.)

The Anti-Aguatic Ship.—As its name implies, this extraordi-
nary vessel will be perfectly independent of water. It is built
on a new principle. By an invention (which will be explained so
soon as it shall have been patented), it is able to dispense with
sails, engines, or crew. It can easily be worked by a child of
six years old, and needs no steering. As it is made of a mate-
rial considerably cheaper than paper, the cost of manufacture
will be unimportant. (It may naturally be expected that this great
and glorious invention will seriously depreciate Steamboat Shares.)

Staff of Life Essence.—This wonderful drink is warranted to
supply sufficient nourishment for man and beast from year’s end to
year’s end. The marvellous liquid was discovered by accident. It
is not intoxicating, and has all the properties of bread and water
combined. It occurs in nature in even greater abundance than the
latter all-pervading fluid. It can be made out of anything for abso-
lutely nothing. This great and glorious invention may be expected
materially to affect Water-work Shares.)

The Coming Secret.—This crowning wonder in the way of inven-
tion is so marvellous that it is impossible to describe it. Suffice it
to say that it will do away with the British Constitution, Free
Trade, the National Debt, Joint Stock Banks, Foreign Bonds, and
Commerce generally. (This great and glorious invention may be
fairly expected to send down everything and everybody.)

Two Notable Advertisements.

Taffy in orders evidently bears in mind the old rhyme, and thinks
that other clerical Taffies, especially of the inferior orders, require
a sharp eye kept on them. Thus we find in the Guardian, Decem-
ber 24, this significant demand from Monmouth:—

WANTED, a WOMAN and her DAUGHTER, to live in the Vicarage,
wash for the family who reside elsewhere, and look after the Curate.
Address, &c.

It is not generally the old women who look after the Curate.
So, perhaps, it was as well to couple, as is done in this advertise-
ment, an elder woman and her daughter for this eminently feminine
occupation.

Here is a good opportunity for anyone wishing to commence as
a Lady Help:—

WANTED, a useful, decided Christian HELPER, in an institution
near London, to ground the Girls in English and help domestically.
Salary £10 per annum to begin.

A Governess and a Housemaid in one for £10 a year! The Chris-
tian Principal of the Institution is evidently up to strictly Com-
mercial principles as well!

EDUCATION AND AERATION.

A “ Disappointed Mother,” through the Times, tells us that,
under the will of her late husband, her two sons were to be sent to a
public school. Meanwhile —

“For several years they were in a Private Boarding School, and both
passed at an early age the Junior Oxford Local Examination.”

Her boys were then examined for entrance to “ one of the so-called
great schools,” and passed, but, there being no immediate vacancy
in the school, she placed them for one year with a clergyman, to
have them coached. The year of private coaching cost her three i
times the money she had previously paid for their schooling, whereas,
had their coach been paid, for results, it would have cost her nil, for
her “ boys had not added one particle to their stock of knowledge.”
However, at length they passed into the public school.

“ With what result ? The elder left two years ago, and is now entering
into his twenty-second year; the younger left last July, and is now nineteen
and a half. Their present condition is such that ever since they have left
school, they have been under a gentleman, who is teaching them what they
well knew when they passed the Oxford Local Examination.”

Hence a justly “ Disappointed Mother” naturally enough con-
cludes that “ Our great schools want inspection sadly.” Experience
has certainly given her some cause to compare them unfavourably
with private schools: although as to the latter she generalises
rather widely in saying that they “must teach, or close.” Too many
of them do neither.

Her boys, at any rate, both of them learned at a Private Boarding
School enough to enable them to pass the Junior Oxford Local
Examination at an early age. Unquestionably they were taught so
much; but then how were they taught it ? In such a style that
they have now, at an adult age, to be taught it over again.

So it seems that a “Disappointed Mother’s” two sons were
educated at the Private Boarding School as the bottles are aerated
in a soda-water manufactory. Information must have been forced
into the former as carbonic acid gas is pumped into the latter. The
gas is retained in the bottles whilst corked down, but escapes on the
removal of pressure ; so, if the boyish minds are left open, their
school-learning, set free from forcible compression, goes off in youth-
ful effervescence. Admirable system, by which our youth at an
early age are enabled to pass the examinations, for which at maturer
years they have to be crammed all over again!

a question.

If the Parnellites insist on shooting all rent-payers, what is to
become of the Pig, who has always been known in Ireland as.“the
Gintleman who pays the rint ? ” Is it to be a case of pig-shooting,
or pig-sticking, all over the country ?

- - j

.

TARGETS AND TRAITORS.

Who are the principal men of mark in Europe P Bismarck, of
course, for one. Amongst others might be mentioned Continental
Sovereigns, the mark of bad subjects who, happily, miss the mark
they shoot at, as well as their aim at notoriety.

A CHIEF AND A CHEER.

The Ute Indians in Colorado are reported to have been giving
trouble to their civilised neighbours. The Head Chief of these
aboriginals bears the name of Ouray. Their war-cry is naturally,
“ Ouray for our Leader ! ”

PRACTISING WHAT YOU PREACH.

Sir Walter Trevelyan’s cellar appears to be rather an embar- j
rassing bequest to Dr. Richardson. Why did he not have recourse
to “local option,” and decline it?

Compliments of the Season (altered to suit the Times).—“A
Muddy Christmas and a Sloppy New Year ! ”

After Matrimony.—A couple in a United State con always sign
themselves U S.

A Windfall to the Caledonian.—The Tay Bridge Disaster.

The Constitutional Difficulty.—Dyspepsia.