DOI issue:
January 17, 1880
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17763#0032
24
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[January 17, 1S80.
PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL.
A narrow, red - covered
dispatch-box, lettered
“ IT. M. Treasury—
Confidential,” has lately
been left at 85, Fleet Street,
Mr. Punch presumes, by
mistake, containing the fol-
lowing correspondence,
which he publishes. Names
and addresses are sup-
pressed, for obvious reasons,
as the writers may wish to
reclaim their letters’; and
this is his only way of com-
munication with them:—
My dear Earl of Bea-
CONSPIELD,
You may remember
that at our last meeting,
when you were kind enough
to address us collectively
and separately, you said you
would be happy to receive
our suggestions for the Royal
speech. It may he that you
did not address your re-
marks personally to me; but
that there may not be the
shadow of an excuse for a
mistake, allow me to remind
you of the agreement made
between us upon my accepting the F. 0. You have, I presume,
requested Lord Cranbrook to submit any Indian paragraphs he may
think of suggesting to me for revision, as per agreement.
With kind regards to Mr. Corry, I remain,
Yours, most sincerely,
[Signed) -
n.
Dear Lord Beaconseield,
Of course I would only he too happy to obey a Chief to whom
I owe so much. As I have already told you, I like the House of Lords
very much. The occasions for effective speaking are not frequent, it
is true; but the position is dignified, and its repose agreeable. I
wish I could say as much of the Office. But really the Marquis is
so very arbitrary. Besides, I cannot sit down for five minutes of
quiet work, hut I am sure to be interrupted by some suggestion,
hastily knocked off, and telegraphed to me by that self-satisfied bore
Lytton. Excuse me if the word is not Parliamentary. I have
always felt that poets are not the stuff out of which to make Vice-
roys. However, I wish to do my best.
Gratefully yours,
[Signed) --
P.S.—The Marquis has just sent round to say that it is your wish
that I should submit to him any Indian paragraph I may suggest!
I should be glad to know in plain terms—have I succeeded that
noble Lord at the India Office or have I not ? Extremely sorry to
have to put such a question to one to whom I owe so much, but there
are cases in which even a worm will turn.
hi.
My Dear Lord,
I shall be most happy to attend to your esteemed favour.
I think my paragraph will be something about the Royal Marine
ArtiRery, and the new breach-loading arrangements. I have given
my undivided attention to this important subject for the last six
months.
I really don’t think the Pall MUll articles worth answering. They
are always grumbling at something, and I fancy they have been suf-
fering in their circulation. If so, it may account for their had
temper.
With the kindest remembrances from all the other Lords,
Believe my dear Lord, yours most respectfuUy,
[Signed) -
P.S.—I should like to have made a sarcastic allusion to Dr. Arthur
Sullivan, Sir Joseph Porter, and H.M.S. Pinafore ; but some of
the sea Lords think that such a course would be undignified. As they
know a great deal more about the feeling of the Service than I can be
expected to do, I have no doubt they are right, and so have avoided
any such reference of the kind, though I think I could Lave given it (
to those impertinent Gaiety fellows hot and strong.
My Dear Lord Beaconseield,
I am doing my utmost to carry out your suggestion,
imagine my paragraph will have the effect of a complimentary allu-
sion to the London School Board. I am afraid Dillwyn has spoilt
that notion about the Lunacy Laws. Ridiculum acri Fortius et me-
lius magnas plerumque secat res ! Yours most truly,
[Signed) -
P.S.—I have sent to the Attorney-General, but in aletter signed
“ Jack,” he tells me “ he has no time to attend to private business!
So like him!
v.
My Dear Lord Beaconsfield,
I have spoken to the Duke, and he is under the impression
that a neatly-turned paragraph, to the effect that “The British
Army can, might, would, should, and ought to go anywhere and to
do everything,” is the sort of article you want from Pall Mall.
Cedant arma togce ! As I am more up Marti quam Mercurio, pray
put it in your own words. If my brother were here, I have no doubt
he would wish to be remembered to you.
Yours truly, (Signed) -.
P.S.—I did think of saying something about “ the Army Reserve
Officers,” but since the scheme has been pigeonholed most of the
candidates for commissions have grown too old to qualify. By the
way, must Sir Garnet be sent to India ? Our feUows don’t like it a
bit! These “ bucksticks ” are really coming it too strong!
VI.
My very Dear Lord Beaconsfield,
Ever since my little speech about the Licensed Victuallers
at Exeter, and my Penny Readings at Pynes, I have been hard at
work upon the Budget. It is really no joke this time. I am afraid,
unless I stick to it night and day, and allow nothing to distract me,
I shaU not be able to make even a decent job of it by Easter.
On the whole, I think the less said in the Speech about Finance
the better. Yours, in great haste,
[Signed) -.
P.S.—We really can’t go on letting deficits accumulate ad infinitum;
and I am afraid the people out-of-doors are getting tired of the “ dot
and carry one ” system.
By the way, don’t you think it might be well to have, say, half a
million copies of my refutation of Gladstone’s figures printed by
the Queen’s Printers, and circulated gratis among our own people ?
Would this he a fair appropriation of the S. S. M. ?
Schools and School-Masters.
“ Professor Morley and his friends have determined to snake a practical
start of a Dramatic School. Premises have been engaged in Regent' Street,
and Mr. Charles Harcourt appointed Secretary.”—News of the Pay.
Start a Dramatic School ? ’Tis well.
We’ve waited for it a long spell—
Feros mollire mores.
Then, Morley, think not Punch is rude,
If one grave question he intrude,—
“ Doc chit quis Doctores ? ”
Following Suit.
It is announced that “ the Bishop of London has signed letters of
request to the Dean of Arches Court of Canterbury, in a fresh suit
against the Rev. A. H. Mackonochie, Incumbent of St. Alban’s,
Holborn.” Mr. Mackonochie, on the one hand, persists in the
wearing forbidden vestments, and the Bishop of London, on the
other, orders another suit. When will the suits finaUy prevail over
the vestments ?
Malleus Malefactorum.
[On the appointment ofj. S. Maule, Q.C., as Director of Public Prosecutions.)
Lord Cairns decrees that Q.C. Maule,
Our crime to Themis’ Bar shall haul,
And smite it hip and thigh ;
Go on, my Maule, deserve thy name,
“ Hammer and tongs ” on felons’ game
Come down, till crushed it lie !
A NEW YEAR’S WISH.
Mr. Chamberlain, in his speech at Birmingham the other day,
compared the Ministerial misfortunes to the numbers of serial
stories, eacli of which ends always—“to he continued in our next” !
Let us hope the Ministry may not be like its misfortunes—“ con-
I tinued in our next”—i.e., in 1881.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[January 17, 1S80.
PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL.
A narrow, red - covered
dispatch-box, lettered
“ IT. M. Treasury—
Confidential,” has lately
been left at 85, Fleet Street,
Mr. Punch presumes, by
mistake, containing the fol-
lowing correspondence,
which he publishes. Names
and addresses are sup-
pressed, for obvious reasons,
as the writers may wish to
reclaim their letters’; and
this is his only way of com-
munication with them:—
My dear Earl of Bea-
CONSPIELD,
You may remember
that at our last meeting,
when you were kind enough
to address us collectively
and separately, you said you
would be happy to receive
our suggestions for the Royal
speech. It may he that you
did not address your re-
marks personally to me; but
that there may not be the
shadow of an excuse for a
mistake, allow me to remind
you of the agreement made
between us upon my accepting the F. 0. You have, I presume,
requested Lord Cranbrook to submit any Indian paragraphs he may
think of suggesting to me for revision, as per agreement.
With kind regards to Mr. Corry, I remain,
Yours, most sincerely,
[Signed) -
n.
Dear Lord Beaconseield,
Of course I would only he too happy to obey a Chief to whom
I owe so much. As I have already told you, I like the House of Lords
very much. The occasions for effective speaking are not frequent, it
is true; but the position is dignified, and its repose agreeable. I
wish I could say as much of the Office. But really the Marquis is
so very arbitrary. Besides, I cannot sit down for five minutes of
quiet work, hut I am sure to be interrupted by some suggestion,
hastily knocked off, and telegraphed to me by that self-satisfied bore
Lytton. Excuse me if the word is not Parliamentary. I have
always felt that poets are not the stuff out of which to make Vice-
roys. However, I wish to do my best.
Gratefully yours,
[Signed) --
P.S.—The Marquis has just sent round to say that it is your wish
that I should submit to him any Indian paragraph I may suggest!
I should be glad to know in plain terms—have I succeeded that
noble Lord at the India Office or have I not ? Extremely sorry to
have to put such a question to one to whom I owe so much, but there
are cases in which even a worm will turn.
hi.
My Dear Lord,
I shall be most happy to attend to your esteemed favour.
I think my paragraph will be something about the Royal Marine
ArtiRery, and the new breach-loading arrangements. I have given
my undivided attention to this important subject for the last six
months.
I really don’t think the Pall MUll articles worth answering. They
are always grumbling at something, and I fancy they have been suf-
fering in their circulation. If so, it may account for their had
temper.
With the kindest remembrances from all the other Lords,
Believe my dear Lord, yours most respectfuUy,
[Signed) -
P.S.—I should like to have made a sarcastic allusion to Dr. Arthur
Sullivan, Sir Joseph Porter, and H.M.S. Pinafore ; but some of
the sea Lords think that such a course would be undignified. As they
know a great deal more about the feeling of the Service than I can be
expected to do, I have no doubt they are right, and so have avoided
any such reference of the kind, though I think I could Lave given it (
to those impertinent Gaiety fellows hot and strong.
My Dear Lord Beaconseield,
I am doing my utmost to carry out your suggestion,
imagine my paragraph will have the effect of a complimentary allu-
sion to the London School Board. I am afraid Dillwyn has spoilt
that notion about the Lunacy Laws. Ridiculum acri Fortius et me-
lius magnas plerumque secat res ! Yours most truly,
[Signed) -
P.S.—I have sent to the Attorney-General, but in aletter signed
“ Jack,” he tells me “ he has no time to attend to private business!
So like him!
v.
My Dear Lord Beaconsfield,
I have spoken to the Duke, and he is under the impression
that a neatly-turned paragraph, to the effect that “The British
Army can, might, would, should, and ought to go anywhere and to
do everything,” is the sort of article you want from Pall Mall.
Cedant arma togce ! As I am more up Marti quam Mercurio, pray
put it in your own words. If my brother were here, I have no doubt
he would wish to be remembered to you.
Yours truly, (Signed) -.
P.S.—I did think of saying something about “ the Army Reserve
Officers,” but since the scheme has been pigeonholed most of the
candidates for commissions have grown too old to qualify. By the
way, must Sir Garnet be sent to India ? Our feUows don’t like it a
bit! These “ bucksticks ” are really coming it too strong!
VI.
My very Dear Lord Beaconsfield,
Ever since my little speech about the Licensed Victuallers
at Exeter, and my Penny Readings at Pynes, I have been hard at
work upon the Budget. It is really no joke this time. I am afraid,
unless I stick to it night and day, and allow nothing to distract me,
I shaU not be able to make even a decent job of it by Easter.
On the whole, I think the less said in the Speech about Finance
the better. Yours, in great haste,
[Signed) -.
P.S.—We really can’t go on letting deficits accumulate ad infinitum;
and I am afraid the people out-of-doors are getting tired of the “ dot
and carry one ” system.
By the way, don’t you think it might be well to have, say, half a
million copies of my refutation of Gladstone’s figures printed by
the Queen’s Printers, and circulated gratis among our own people ?
Would this he a fair appropriation of the S. S. M. ?
Schools and School-Masters.
“ Professor Morley and his friends have determined to snake a practical
start of a Dramatic School. Premises have been engaged in Regent' Street,
and Mr. Charles Harcourt appointed Secretary.”—News of the Pay.
Start a Dramatic School ? ’Tis well.
We’ve waited for it a long spell—
Feros mollire mores.
Then, Morley, think not Punch is rude,
If one grave question he intrude,—
“ Doc chit quis Doctores ? ”
Following Suit.
It is announced that “ the Bishop of London has signed letters of
request to the Dean of Arches Court of Canterbury, in a fresh suit
against the Rev. A. H. Mackonochie, Incumbent of St. Alban’s,
Holborn.” Mr. Mackonochie, on the one hand, persists in the
wearing forbidden vestments, and the Bishop of London, on the
other, orders another suit. When will the suits finaUy prevail over
the vestments ?
Malleus Malefactorum.
[On the appointment ofj. S. Maule, Q.C., as Director of Public Prosecutions.)
Lord Cairns decrees that Q.C. Maule,
Our crime to Themis’ Bar shall haul,
And smite it hip and thigh ;
Go on, my Maule, deserve thy name,
“ Hammer and tongs ” on felons’ game
Come down, till crushed it lie !
A NEW YEAR’S WISH.
Mr. Chamberlain, in his speech at Birmingham the other day,
compared the Ministerial misfortunes to the numbers of serial
stories, eacli of which ends always—“to he continued in our next” !
Let us hope the Ministry may not be like its misfortunes—“ con-
I tinued in our next”—i.e., in 1881.