DOI issue:
February 21, 1880
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17763#0088
February 21, 1880.] PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHAPIVAPI.
NO PARTY AFFAIR.
Mr. Punch!
pposed as I am to all
innovation, I mnch
misliked the change of
the Royal Title effected
a wee bit syne, throngh
a Parliamentary vote,
by a so-called Conser-
vative Government.
I held that Her Most
Gracious Majesty
could bear no prouder
title than that of Queen
of Great Britain and
Ireland.
Nor, even supposing
Empress a name more
elevated than Queen,
could I imagine any
increase of dignity
accruing to the Sove-
reign from a distinction
conferred upon her by
a Premier who is no-
thing but a mushroom
Peer.
But now the import-
ant fact has unexpect-
edly transpired that the
title of Empress of India was originally given to the Queen by no
less a man than His Grace the Duke of Argyll, I think that just
alters the ease altogether, considered as a question of honour.
Politics apart, Mr, Punch, I consider it one thing for the Prime
Minister’s Royal Mistress to have been constituted by her Parlia-
ment, on his recommendation, an Empress, and quite another to
havejghad that highest gradation of earthly rank assigned to her by
the Mac Callum More.
I have the honour to be, Mr. Punch, a Tory of the Tories, if you
please, and whether you please or no, but first of all
A Scotchman.
A SUPERFLUOUS EFFIGY.
Will you persist, friends, in the projector setting up a graven
image to the late Prince Imperial in Westminster Abbey? You
will! Why ?
Because he was a good young man who, from inherited attachment
and personal gratitude to this country, took part with us against
Cetewayo in the Zulu War, and laid down his life whilst engaged
in fighting our battle ? Dear friends, this supposition is as generous
as it is absurd, nearly ; which is saying a great deal for you.
Everybody but a donkey—present company excepted—knows per-
fectly well that Prince Louis Napoleon interposed in our South
African quarrel—with proverbial reward—in order to acquire a
knowledge of warfare. He went, for practice in soldiering, to
fight the Zulus, and kill, or assist in killing, if necessary, as many
as came in his way. Is this the sort of proceeding to be glorified
by a monument in any place of worship where it is customary to
recite the Sixth Commandment ?
Do you wish to make Frenchmen imagine that we look with dislike
upon the Republic, and account the Empire France’s only fit form
of Government ? Would you have Germany suppose that we desire
the revival of a dynasty bent on avenging Sedan ?
No. dear friends, if you must set up an image of that unfortunate
young Bonaparte, let it be not a graven, but a waxen one, and
place.it not in W estminster Abbey, but in that much more suitable
repository, Madame Tussaud’s, along with the other memorials of
the Bonapartes already on view there.
Scientific and Shifting'.
On where and oh where is our Indian frontier gone ?
It’s dodging 'twixt Herat or Merv and—say the Arctic zone.
And it s oh how we wish that its wanderings were done !
Oh where and oh where did our Indian frontier dwell ?
hi dwelt among the Sulimans. and we fancied all was well.
But where it is now not Lord B. himself can tell.
Suppose and suppose that our Indian frontier’s found !
Tf another Bogey rises it again may shift its ground.
And it’s oh what a bore is this game of Brag all round !
01
A REAL PAGE EROM AN AUTOCRATS DIARY.
{By the Pall Mali's Own Correspondent.)
Morning.—Awoke after disturbed night. Dreamt of yesterday
evening’s explosion. Breakfast. Picked men of the Royal Body-
guard on sentry at all the doors. Battalion of the Preobrajensky
Regiment and park of artillery in the corridor. Police corps three
deep at each window, in order to intercept bullets, or to give warning
if civilian seen within sight of the Palace, While at breakfast read my
correspondence, Drenteln kindly opening letters, in case they should
contain dynamite, nitro-glycerine, or other explosive substance.
After Breakfast.—Infernal machine discovered inside my private
cigar-box. German tobacconist suspected, as his wife, mother, and
brother have been banished to Siberia. Tobacconist arrested—to
follow wife, mother, and brother. (N.B. In future Drenteln to
inspect cigar-boxes before I open them.)
Luncheon.—Same arrangement of guards as at breakfast. Terrific
explosion. Left wing of Palace, containing Imperial Library, totally
destroyed. Supposed to have been undermined, and mine fired by
electricity. Drenteln thinks the perpetrators must have imagined
that I was lunching in the Library as I did yesterday. I see how
wise was Drenteln’s request that I would never take a meal in the
same room for two days together. Decree published banishing elec-
tricians and manufacturers or importers of explosive materials to
Siberia.
Afternoon.—Informed by Chief of Secret Police that during this
morning’s domiciliary visits a young man was discovered reading
the History of England. This spread of pernicious foreign literature
must be stopped. The Third Section has given orders for young
man’s confinement in a fortress. On further inquiry, he turns out
to have been educated at the University of Kharkoff. Decree pub-
lished dismissing present staff of professors at Kharkoff, and replacing
them by non-commissioned officers of the Guard.
Took drive in close steel-plated carriage, escorted by drafts from
different cavalry regiments. Thought safer than escort of one regi-
ment. Carriage carefully examined before starting, also horses.
Dynamite found concealed in their nosebags. During drive, great
cheering from loyal inhabitants. Man observed looking out of
window with a stick in his hand. Arrested, and ordered off to
Siberia. As Drenteln observes, it might have been a gun.
Offered thanksgivings for safe return. Loyal telegrams from chief
towns and districts, congratulating me on my drive. Officer of Third
Section opens all telegrams. Another terrific explosion : a hundred
yards of the road J. have just driven over, blown into the air. Lucky
mistake as to my time of passing. Wires found connecting mine
with house of eminent philanthropist, who has just returned from
Siberia. On his way hack, met the rest of his family going out.
This appears to have irritated him. Order from Third Section for
precautionary arrest of all his acquaintances and tradesmen.
Announce my departure for the South. Leave at midnight for
Peterhoff, in a third-class carriage, disguised as a priest.
On arrival at Peterhoff, sixteen explosions reported on Southern
line. Perfect success of ruse. Regrettable depreciation of Railway
Shares. How can I help it ?
NEW MOVES STILL OPEN.
{A Page from the Note Book of a Nolle Statesman.)
Mem. — To look up a new phrase, vice Scientific Frontier,
disappeared.
Mem.—To secure the safety of the Channel Islands, by inviting
Belgium to occupy Cherbourg, and Spain to annex Monaco and.
Marseilles.
Mem.—To oppose the machinations of the Russians in Central
Asia, by proclaiming Her Majesty Victoria Queen of Zululand.
Mem.—To appoint all the available Princes of the Blood Royal
Governors of our Colonies and Dependencies.
Mem.—To bring Lord Lytton back from India as a Marquis, and
to replace him by His Grace the Duke of Argyll.
Mem.—To accept a Dukedom, and to retire from the present
Ministry in favour of Lord Salisbury.
Mem.—To support Home Rule, and English Manhood Suffrage.
Mem.—To gag Sir Charles Dilke with a Garter, and bring
Mr. Chamberlain, if necessary, to anchor with a Gold Ke.y, and.
to offer the pick of Cabinet Offices to Sir W. Vernon Harcouir<t.
Mem.—To dedicate a New Edition of certain Standard Novels to
Mr. Gladstone.
Mem.—And (in the event of the defeat of the Conservatives at
the General Election) to return to Parliament as the acknowledged
Leader of the Great Liberal, Constitutional, and Patriotic Party.
The Story of the Southwark Election (in brief).—Dunn
—and Done—between two Gentlemen.
NO PARTY AFFAIR.
Mr. Punch!
pposed as I am to all
innovation, I mnch
misliked the change of
the Royal Title effected
a wee bit syne, throngh
a Parliamentary vote,
by a so-called Conser-
vative Government.
I held that Her Most
Gracious Majesty
could bear no prouder
title than that of Queen
of Great Britain and
Ireland.
Nor, even supposing
Empress a name more
elevated than Queen,
could I imagine any
increase of dignity
accruing to the Sove-
reign from a distinction
conferred upon her by
a Premier who is no-
thing but a mushroom
Peer.
But now the import-
ant fact has unexpect-
edly transpired that the
title of Empress of India was originally given to the Queen by no
less a man than His Grace the Duke of Argyll, I think that just
alters the ease altogether, considered as a question of honour.
Politics apart, Mr, Punch, I consider it one thing for the Prime
Minister’s Royal Mistress to have been constituted by her Parlia-
ment, on his recommendation, an Empress, and quite another to
havejghad that highest gradation of earthly rank assigned to her by
the Mac Callum More.
I have the honour to be, Mr. Punch, a Tory of the Tories, if you
please, and whether you please or no, but first of all
A Scotchman.
A SUPERFLUOUS EFFIGY.
Will you persist, friends, in the projector setting up a graven
image to the late Prince Imperial in Westminster Abbey? You
will! Why ?
Because he was a good young man who, from inherited attachment
and personal gratitude to this country, took part with us against
Cetewayo in the Zulu War, and laid down his life whilst engaged
in fighting our battle ? Dear friends, this supposition is as generous
as it is absurd, nearly ; which is saying a great deal for you.
Everybody but a donkey—present company excepted—knows per-
fectly well that Prince Louis Napoleon interposed in our South
African quarrel—with proverbial reward—in order to acquire a
knowledge of warfare. He went, for practice in soldiering, to
fight the Zulus, and kill, or assist in killing, if necessary, as many
as came in his way. Is this the sort of proceeding to be glorified
by a monument in any place of worship where it is customary to
recite the Sixth Commandment ?
Do you wish to make Frenchmen imagine that we look with dislike
upon the Republic, and account the Empire France’s only fit form
of Government ? Would you have Germany suppose that we desire
the revival of a dynasty bent on avenging Sedan ?
No. dear friends, if you must set up an image of that unfortunate
young Bonaparte, let it be not a graven, but a waxen one, and
place.it not in W estminster Abbey, but in that much more suitable
repository, Madame Tussaud’s, along with the other memorials of
the Bonapartes already on view there.
Scientific and Shifting'.
On where and oh where is our Indian frontier gone ?
It’s dodging 'twixt Herat or Merv and—say the Arctic zone.
And it s oh how we wish that its wanderings were done !
Oh where and oh where did our Indian frontier dwell ?
hi dwelt among the Sulimans. and we fancied all was well.
But where it is now not Lord B. himself can tell.
Suppose and suppose that our Indian frontier’s found !
Tf another Bogey rises it again may shift its ground.
And it’s oh what a bore is this game of Brag all round !
01
A REAL PAGE EROM AN AUTOCRATS DIARY.
{By the Pall Mali's Own Correspondent.)
Morning.—Awoke after disturbed night. Dreamt of yesterday
evening’s explosion. Breakfast. Picked men of the Royal Body-
guard on sentry at all the doors. Battalion of the Preobrajensky
Regiment and park of artillery in the corridor. Police corps three
deep at each window, in order to intercept bullets, or to give warning
if civilian seen within sight of the Palace, While at breakfast read my
correspondence, Drenteln kindly opening letters, in case they should
contain dynamite, nitro-glycerine, or other explosive substance.
After Breakfast.—Infernal machine discovered inside my private
cigar-box. German tobacconist suspected, as his wife, mother, and
brother have been banished to Siberia. Tobacconist arrested—to
follow wife, mother, and brother. (N.B. In future Drenteln to
inspect cigar-boxes before I open them.)
Luncheon.—Same arrangement of guards as at breakfast. Terrific
explosion. Left wing of Palace, containing Imperial Library, totally
destroyed. Supposed to have been undermined, and mine fired by
electricity. Drenteln thinks the perpetrators must have imagined
that I was lunching in the Library as I did yesterday. I see how
wise was Drenteln’s request that I would never take a meal in the
same room for two days together. Decree published banishing elec-
tricians and manufacturers or importers of explosive materials to
Siberia.
Afternoon.—Informed by Chief of Secret Police that during this
morning’s domiciliary visits a young man was discovered reading
the History of England. This spread of pernicious foreign literature
must be stopped. The Third Section has given orders for young
man’s confinement in a fortress. On further inquiry, he turns out
to have been educated at the University of Kharkoff. Decree pub-
lished dismissing present staff of professors at Kharkoff, and replacing
them by non-commissioned officers of the Guard.
Took drive in close steel-plated carriage, escorted by drafts from
different cavalry regiments. Thought safer than escort of one regi-
ment. Carriage carefully examined before starting, also horses.
Dynamite found concealed in their nosebags. During drive, great
cheering from loyal inhabitants. Man observed looking out of
window with a stick in his hand. Arrested, and ordered off to
Siberia. As Drenteln observes, it might have been a gun.
Offered thanksgivings for safe return. Loyal telegrams from chief
towns and districts, congratulating me on my drive. Officer of Third
Section opens all telegrams. Another terrific explosion : a hundred
yards of the road J. have just driven over, blown into the air. Lucky
mistake as to my time of passing. Wires found connecting mine
with house of eminent philanthropist, who has just returned from
Siberia. On his way hack, met the rest of his family going out.
This appears to have irritated him. Order from Third Section for
precautionary arrest of all his acquaintances and tradesmen.
Announce my departure for the South. Leave at midnight for
Peterhoff, in a third-class carriage, disguised as a priest.
On arrival at Peterhoff, sixteen explosions reported on Southern
line. Perfect success of ruse. Regrettable depreciation of Railway
Shares. How can I help it ?
NEW MOVES STILL OPEN.
{A Page from the Note Book of a Nolle Statesman.)
Mem. — To look up a new phrase, vice Scientific Frontier,
disappeared.
Mem.—To secure the safety of the Channel Islands, by inviting
Belgium to occupy Cherbourg, and Spain to annex Monaco and.
Marseilles.
Mem.—To oppose the machinations of the Russians in Central
Asia, by proclaiming Her Majesty Victoria Queen of Zululand.
Mem.—To appoint all the available Princes of the Blood Royal
Governors of our Colonies and Dependencies.
Mem.—To bring Lord Lytton back from India as a Marquis, and
to replace him by His Grace the Duke of Argyll.
Mem.—To accept a Dukedom, and to retire from the present
Ministry in favour of Lord Salisbury.
Mem.—To support Home Rule, and English Manhood Suffrage.
Mem.—To gag Sir Charles Dilke with a Garter, and bring
Mr. Chamberlain, if necessary, to anchor with a Gold Ke.y, and.
to offer the pick of Cabinet Offices to Sir W. Vernon Harcouir<t.
Mem.—To dedicate a New Edition of certain Standard Novels to
Mr. Gladstone.
Mem.—And (in the event of the defeat of the Conservatives at
the General Election) to return to Parliament as the acknowledged
Leader of the Great Liberal, Constitutional, and Patriotic Party.
The Story of the Southwark Election (in brief).—Dunn
—and Done—between two Gentlemen.