Punch (78.1880)

120

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [March 13, 1880.

LOCAL OPTION.

SMELLING A RAT.

Jones, Jingo-smitten, leaves the ancient ranks,

And straightway proffers Pharisaic thanks
That he’s an Englishman, whole-soul’d and hearty,
And not, like some old friends, the Slave of Party.
Well, Jones, a man hy conscience driven to part
From long-loved ranks, will feel some pangs of heart,
Nor, ass-like, lift his heels against old masters,

Or bray forth triumph at his friends’ disasters.

You pose as patriot-martyr, my good Jones !

A patriot voice is tested by its tones,

As trees by fruits ; your tones are sour, thrasonic,
And spiced with spite, invective’s finest tonic.

You love the old cause yet ? Well, truth to tell,
That passion you dissemble passing well.

Urgent indeed must be the inward pricking
Of love that takes so much delight in kicking !

A soldier who from the old ranks falls out
Will scarcely at his comrade’s blunders shout;

A rat, who leaves a ship that’s sprung a-leak,

May, when he thinks her sinking, raise a squeak
Of selfish rat-rejoicing. Comes the question—

Ah, Jingo-JoNES, pray pardon the suggestion!—

If kicking ancient friends and old foes patting
Can lend a patriotic grace to—Ratting !

“ CUM GRANO SALIS.”

We hear that the divine Sarah has obtained per-
mission from the Worshipful Company of Salters to place
their Motto over the door of her Exhibition in May
next—“ Sal sapit omnia." Anglice — “ Sarah brings
taste to everything.”

“ A MIGHT? MAZE, BUT NOT WITHOUT A PLAN.”

There is one line in Wordsworth’s poem, The
Tables Turned, which the Poet would never have
written could he have foreseen the constant growth of
the South Eensington Museum—

“ Enough of Science and of Art.”


Captain of Clijde Steamer [to Stoker, as they sighted their Port). “ Slack awee, The New Dean.—The Prime Minister has made an
Donal’, slack awee”—(he was interested in the Liquors sold)—“they’re excellent “ use ” of Sarum—pace those members of the
drencken iiaurd yenoo ! ! ” I High Church party who feel Ryled at the appointment.

A CURACY ON CASTORS.

Here, from the columns of the Field, a more appropriate channel
than the Guardian, the Record, or any of the more exclusive clerical
organs, is what may he fairly called a “ sporting offer ” for a curate,
which ought to attract a rush of applicants. We have seldom seen
the recommendations of a curacy to a young man of high tendencies,
ecclesiastical and social, more temptingly and tellingly piled up
than they are in this model advertisement:—-

WANTED, a Gentleman, an earnest-minded Churchman of expe-
rience, as CURATE for the Parish Church of -, Cheshire. Daily

matins, weekly celebration, eastward position; salubrious climate, pretty
neighbourhood, good society. Last three Curates left for preferment within
the past two years. Liberal stipend offered.—Address “The Rector,” ——,
Cheshire.

Well may the site of this curate’s paradise be Cheshire. Such a
berth is indeed, in every sense, “ the cheese.”

UNPAROCHIAL PARTIES.

Mr. Punch, ’Oner’d Sir,—As a starnch Conservative, pleeze alow
me for a moment to CaU your Attention to the mistake of a word
some of the Horgans of the Conservative Press is in the Abit of
aplyin to the Pollytics of them Adwanced Libberals as goes in for
Noninterwention with Foring Afares and Peece at enny Price.
They calls em that name in the Sence of a opperoberous Ixpression,
whereas it trewly sinniti.es the werry Ighest possibel Rispectability.
Meanin to stigmatize and not recommend the Yews and Conduct of
them Unenglish and Unpateriotic indiwidgials they ’re continially
a callin of ’en “Porochial.” Sir, in the hinterest of the British
Dixonary I beseach you to remonsterate -with them there well meanin
but dredful Iliterit Scrybes agin the orrible perwersion and Miss Use
they ignerantly makes of a part of Speach onderstood by hevery rite-
minded Party as the most Important eppythet of Aprobation in the
Hole of the Abuv Yollume. Not to ide my ed under the coverlead

of an enonymous Co-Respondent. I remane, Onnerd Sir, yure ever
faithfnil, dutyfull, and obegent Urnble Servent, boath porochially
and pussonally, Bumble.

P.S.—I allways considerd “Porochial” and “Conservative” as
I’ve eard a Scollard call ’em Conwertihle Turms. But peraps our
Frends meens it for Sattire.

Wanted a Phoenix.

This appears in the I). T. :—

TfEQUIRED, a LADY IN WAITING, of pleasing manners, appear-
-Lt ance, and address, for an invalid gentleman. She must be strong,
active, rather tall, a good walker, amiable, and accomplished, music and
singing. One accustomed to rise early. A greed for salary not desirable.—
Address, &c.

Pleasing manners, appearance, and address, strength, activity, a
good height, a graceful walk, amiability, accomplishments, music and
singing, the habit of early rising, a soul above money !—the Gentle-
man who requires all this is not easily satisfied. But surely if there
be’such a paragon, she can hardly be “in waiting for an invalid
Gentleman! ” She must have been snapped up by a healthy Gentle-
man as a wife of ten thousand long ago.

LOCAL OPTION.

(As deduced from Sir Wilfrid's Meeting at Cambridge.)

Leaving the Guildhall, or having one’s head punched by irate
Publicans and rowdy Gownsmen.

AN EXAMPLE OF CONTEMPT.

The House of Commons has taught Mr. Grissell that it is not to
be trifled with. May the anti-obstructive Resolution of the House
teach Obstructive Irish Gentlemen the same lesson.