DOI Heft:
April 24, 1880
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17763#0197
192
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Apbil 24, 1880.
GUIDES WANTED.
Dear Mr. Punch, Bayswater JV., April 14, 1880.
Can you help me in a great difficulty ? I am an arm-chair
politician, ani require a straight tip in politics. For the last three
or four years I have been quite easy in my mind. I have only had
to go to my Club (the Gunpowder and Glory), and there I and
others read the only papers worth reading—two mornings and onp
evening.
There was the leading journal, perfectly infallible, and authorised
to speak in the name of the Nation. For the last two years or more
its Editor has been assuring me every day without reserve that
the Nation has approved Lord Beaconsfield’s conduct of affairs,
such as the profoundly subtle agreement with Count Schouvaloff, the
splendid acquisition of Cyprus, the far-sighted Protectorate of Asia-
Minor, the plucky, just, and humane subjugation of the Zulus and
Afghans, and the brilliant tricks played upon Parliament in connection
with these matters. Especially when the Southwark Election took
place in February, I learned that the Nation had put the final seal
to its ratification of an Imperial Policy, any lingering doubts in the
mind of the said Nation having been dispelled by the circulation of
Mr. Co wen’s “remarkable speech.”
Then there was my other morning guide, with “ the largest circu-
lation in the world,” telling me much the same things in more
turgid language. And there was my evening oracle, whose proud
boast it is to be written by Gentlemen for Gentlemen, daily enforcing
the same doctrine with a superb and scathing scorn of all who
ventured to differ from it, which ought to have left no possibility
of doubt in any well-regulated mind that Mr. Gladstone is an
imbecile and. malignant traitor, and his followers a few silly sen-
timentalists, not to say idiotic fools and impudent knaves.
All these able Editors have agreed that if the Liberal party ever
had any chance of success, it had been shattered to pieces by the
shock given to Englishmen generally, and particularly to a very
large class called Moderate Liberals, by the harsh language. of
Messrs. Gladstone, Bright, Harcourt, and others, in speaking
of the splendid services of Lord Beaconsfjceld.
If, therefore, there was one thing of which, at the beginning of
March, I was more certain than of any other, it was this—that
the Nation was about to pronounce a decisive condemnation of the
disloyal and. unpatriotic conduct of Mr. Gladstone and his foolish
followers.
But then came the Elections. I am rather slow at taking in new
things; but even according to my three infallible Editors, and the
gossip of my Club, something seems to have gone wrong. It is
true that in one of my infallible oracles only the other day I read that
what has happened is not inexplicable, and that “it may even be
affirmed that the reaction is more moderate than might have been
expected.” That is all very well for the omniscient Editor; but
how about his poor followers ? Why did he not give me, and the
many like me, who hang upon his words, a hint beforehand of what
he knew so well was coming ?
Could you kindly answer me these questions:—
1. Have my able Editors been deceiving me ?
2. Or is it possible that they knew nothing about the real mind
of the Nation they assumed to speak for ?
3. Where am I, in future, to find the oracle which will tell me
what I am to think on things in general, and foreign politics in
particular ?
I am, dear Mr. Punch, faithfully yours,
John Wethersett.
SOLILOQUY ON SCHOOL SINGING.
Mr. Oldboys (seated in an arm-chair, deposits newspaper on
breakfast-table, and addresses himself). Hramph! The New Educa-
tional Code for 1880 contains a clause providing for the teaching of
singing by note in Elementary Schools. Does it, indeed, Sir ? You
don’t say so? Singing by note! That is carrying “ Elementary
Education,” too far, Sir. The Three R.’s may be all very well, Sir;
though the street-boys learn them chiefly to read the lives of high-
waymen, write your name on your gate, and do addition sums on
your door-posts. But now, besides the R.’s, you are to have an M.,
Sir—Music. And, of course, you will have to pay for it, through
the nose.
Music ! What good will it do ? (Resumes newspaper, and thence
reads letter.) “In the next generation there will, no doubt, be a
musical society in every village, which will tend to soften and refine
our agricultural population ! ” Soften! as if the bumpkins weren’t
soft enough already ! “England will become a musical nation, and
our Educational Code will have been instrumental in promoting
such a happy result.” Happy ! Sha-a! Nonsensical woman! That’s
one of your School Board Ladies, Sir! England a musical nation!
Like Italy. In due time, then, England will export organ-grinders.
In the meanwhile, we shall become an operatic people. Your agri-
cultural population, and your artisans, will work in concert; and
wherever you go, your ears will be regaled with a working chorus
of carters and farm-labourers, or mechanics. Every rural district
will become an Arcadia, where the milkmaid singeth blithe, Sir, and
the mower whets his scythe, Sir—by way of accompaniment —
and every shepherd tells his tale, Sir, under the hawthorn in the
dale, Sir, and the tales, of course, will be told in the shape of a
song. Now, I don’t mind hearing servants sing at their work, Sir,
but they could always do that without being taught singing by
note. Hrumph! Future point in a servant’s character—plays the
piano ! Bosh! we want no Grisis, Sir, in our kitchens. “Greasys ”
are quite good enough for me !
Will music be taught at Board Schools, and not at Boarding
Schools ? And how about music in your great Public Schools, Sir ?
Are you to have music taught at Winchester and Eton? If not,
Sir, why not, Sir ? One reason, I should think, Sir, is that the scholars
can do quite well enough without it. Another, that such teaching
would, in most cases, be thrown away. You can’t make a silk purse
out of a sow’s ear, Sir ; neither can you make musical attainments out
of an unmusical ear, Sir. As to ears, I dare say the framers of the
singing-by-note clause in the New Educational Code, have very
fine ears indeed ; but I suspect their ears. I question if their ears,
however fine, Sir, are as fine as they are long.
I tell you what, Sir. Instead of music, if children, who will
mostly have to get their living by domestic service, were to be taught
cookery, they would then be taught an extra to the Three R.’s, which
you might call Reasonable.
Dishing, with a Difference.
{By an Old Blue.)
In spite of respectable gigs
And legalised cabs, the fight o’er is; .
And Dizzy, who once “ dished the Whigs,”
Has now, woe is me, “ dished the Tories.”
The Last Man in the United Kingdom to be made M.P.—
What the Orkneys and Shetlands have got to decide.
%* The Editor of Punch will be glad if the writer of a letter by “ A Con-
servative ’’ (dated Birmingham, April 13), will,in confidence, communicate
with him by name,
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Apbil 24, 1880.
GUIDES WANTED.
Dear Mr. Punch, Bayswater JV., April 14, 1880.
Can you help me in a great difficulty ? I am an arm-chair
politician, ani require a straight tip in politics. For the last three
or four years I have been quite easy in my mind. I have only had
to go to my Club (the Gunpowder and Glory), and there I and
others read the only papers worth reading—two mornings and onp
evening.
There was the leading journal, perfectly infallible, and authorised
to speak in the name of the Nation. For the last two years or more
its Editor has been assuring me every day without reserve that
the Nation has approved Lord Beaconsfield’s conduct of affairs,
such as the profoundly subtle agreement with Count Schouvaloff, the
splendid acquisition of Cyprus, the far-sighted Protectorate of Asia-
Minor, the plucky, just, and humane subjugation of the Zulus and
Afghans, and the brilliant tricks played upon Parliament in connection
with these matters. Especially when the Southwark Election took
place in February, I learned that the Nation had put the final seal
to its ratification of an Imperial Policy, any lingering doubts in the
mind of the said Nation having been dispelled by the circulation of
Mr. Co wen’s “remarkable speech.”
Then there was my other morning guide, with “ the largest circu-
lation in the world,” telling me much the same things in more
turgid language. And there was my evening oracle, whose proud
boast it is to be written by Gentlemen for Gentlemen, daily enforcing
the same doctrine with a superb and scathing scorn of all who
ventured to differ from it, which ought to have left no possibility
of doubt in any well-regulated mind that Mr. Gladstone is an
imbecile and. malignant traitor, and his followers a few silly sen-
timentalists, not to say idiotic fools and impudent knaves.
All these able Editors have agreed that if the Liberal party ever
had any chance of success, it had been shattered to pieces by the
shock given to Englishmen generally, and particularly to a very
large class called Moderate Liberals, by the harsh language. of
Messrs. Gladstone, Bright, Harcourt, and others, in speaking
of the splendid services of Lord Beaconsfjceld.
If, therefore, there was one thing of which, at the beginning of
March, I was more certain than of any other, it was this—that
the Nation was about to pronounce a decisive condemnation of the
disloyal and. unpatriotic conduct of Mr. Gladstone and his foolish
followers.
But then came the Elections. I am rather slow at taking in new
things; but even according to my three infallible Editors, and the
gossip of my Club, something seems to have gone wrong. It is
true that in one of my infallible oracles only the other day I read that
what has happened is not inexplicable, and that “it may even be
affirmed that the reaction is more moderate than might have been
expected.” That is all very well for the omniscient Editor; but
how about his poor followers ? Why did he not give me, and the
many like me, who hang upon his words, a hint beforehand of what
he knew so well was coming ?
Could you kindly answer me these questions:—
1. Have my able Editors been deceiving me ?
2. Or is it possible that they knew nothing about the real mind
of the Nation they assumed to speak for ?
3. Where am I, in future, to find the oracle which will tell me
what I am to think on things in general, and foreign politics in
particular ?
I am, dear Mr. Punch, faithfully yours,
John Wethersett.
SOLILOQUY ON SCHOOL SINGING.
Mr. Oldboys (seated in an arm-chair, deposits newspaper on
breakfast-table, and addresses himself). Hramph! The New Educa-
tional Code for 1880 contains a clause providing for the teaching of
singing by note in Elementary Schools. Does it, indeed, Sir ? You
don’t say so? Singing by note! That is carrying “ Elementary
Education,” too far, Sir. The Three R.’s may be all very well, Sir;
though the street-boys learn them chiefly to read the lives of high-
waymen, write your name on your gate, and do addition sums on
your door-posts. But now, besides the R.’s, you are to have an M.,
Sir—Music. And, of course, you will have to pay for it, through
the nose.
Music ! What good will it do ? (Resumes newspaper, and thence
reads letter.) “In the next generation there will, no doubt, be a
musical society in every village, which will tend to soften and refine
our agricultural population ! ” Soften! as if the bumpkins weren’t
soft enough already ! “England will become a musical nation, and
our Educational Code will have been instrumental in promoting
such a happy result.” Happy ! Sha-a! Nonsensical woman! That’s
one of your School Board Ladies, Sir! England a musical nation!
Like Italy. In due time, then, England will export organ-grinders.
In the meanwhile, we shall become an operatic people. Your agri-
cultural population, and your artisans, will work in concert; and
wherever you go, your ears will be regaled with a working chorus
of carters and farm-labourers, or mechanics. Every rural district
will become an Arcadia, where the milkmaid singeth blithe, Sir, and
the mower whets his scythe, Sir—by way of accompaniment —
and every shepherd tells his tale, Sir, under the hawthorn in the
dale, Sir, and the tales, of course, will be told in the shape of a
song. Now, I don’t mind hearing servants sing at their work, Sir,
but they could always do that without being taught singing by
note. Hrumph! Future point in a servant’s character—plays the
piano ! Bosh! we want no Grisis, Sir, in our kitchens. “Greasys ”
are quite good enough for me !
Will music be taught at Board Schools, and not at Boarding
Schools ? And how about music in your great Public Schools, Sir ?
Are you to have music taught at Winchester and Eton? If not,
Sir, why not, Sir ? One reason, I should think, Sir, is that the scholars
can do quite well enough without it. Another, that such teaching
would, in most cases, be thrown away. You can’t make a silk purse
out of a sow’s ear, Sir ; neither can you make musical attainments out
of an unmusical ear, Sir. As to ears, I dare say the framers of the
singing-by-note clause in the New Educational Code, have very
fine ears indeed ; but I suspect their ears. I question if their ears,
however fine, Sir, are as fine as they are long.
I tell you what, Sir. Instead of music, if children, who will
mostly have to get their living by domestic service, were to be taught
cookery, they would then be taught an extra to the Three R.’s, which
you might call Reasonable.
Dishing, with a Difference.
{By an Old Blue.)
In spite of respectable gigs
And legalised cabs, the fight o’er is; .
And Dizzy, who once “ dished the Whigs,”
Has now, woe is me, “ dished the Tories.”
The Last Man in the United Kingdom to be made M.P.—
What the Orkneys and Shetlands have got to decide.
%* The Editor of Punch will be glad if the writer of a letter by “ A Con-
servative ’’ (dated Birmingham, April 13), will,in confidence, communicate
with him by name,