DOI issue:
June 19, 1880
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17763#0284
280
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[June 19, 1880.
The rural Constabulary to have power to kill and take either a
Hare or Rabbit if it crosses their beat during the night, but the
animal so slain will be the property of the nearest occupier, or occu-
pier and owner, if they have concurrent rights.
Hares and Rabbits found trespassing on lawns or in private
gardens without a special licence from the occuiner tied round their
necks, will be prosecuted according to law.
For the purposes of this Act, the word “Hares” means also
leverets, and the word “Rabbits” means both conies and bunnies.
This Act not to apply to Welsh Rabbits, the “Hare vdth many
Friends,” currant jelly, or onion sauce.
Wherever in this Act the pronoun “his ” occurs, it signifies also
“her ; ” in like manner the plural is to be interpreted as including
the singular; and the words “occupier” and “owner” equally
apply to tenant and landlord, without prejudice.
This Act may be cited for all purposes as the “ Hares and Rabbits
Act, 1880 ; ” and it must be so quoted on the collar of all pointers,
greyhounds, lurchers, terriers, and other dogs kept by the occupier
for the destruction of ground game.
THE
BEADLE!
OR,
THE LATEST CHRONICLE OF SMALL-BEERJESTER.
ANTHONY DOLLOP.
Author of11 The Chronicles of Barsellshire,” “ Beerjester Brewers,”
“ The Halfway House at Aleinton.” “ Thorley Farm for
Cattle,” “Family Parsonage,” “The Prying Minister,”
‘ ‘ Pearls before Swine, or, Who Used his Diamonds ? ” “ Bub
the Hair," “ The Way We Dye Note.” “ Fishy Fin,” ‘ ‘ Fishy as
Wildux,” '''‘Dr. Thorne and David James,” “ Star and Garter,
Richmond,” “ Rachel Hooray ! ” “ The Jellies of Jelly,” “ The
Bertrams and Roberts,” “ Lady Rye-Anna,” “ Tails of All
Creatures,” Arry ’ Otspur,” “ Mary Greasily,” “ Vicar of
Pullbaker,” “ McDermott of Balladsingerun,” “ Can't You
Forget Her ? ” “ He Knew He Could Write,” 8fc., fc.
CHAPTER IK.
Cupid and Prometheus.
nd now looms
before me the
Novelist’s great,
but inevitable,
difficulty. Miss
Morleena Simp-
ler, the second
daughter of the
Reverend, Beadle-
Percentor, and
younger Sister of
Nevaleen, who
became Mrs. Arch-
beacon Oyer-
wayte, must be
described. John
Bounce, who was in love with her,
though he had barely admitted the
fact to himself, still less to her, could
have painted her portrait for us, and
she would have come off with flying
colours. But I am not John Bounce,
and I have got to describe Miss Mor-
leena.
In person she was scarcely so stout
as her sister would have led you to
expect, had you received your inform-
ation from her; but, at the same time,
she was of a rather finer type—when,
as the chief compositor of the Beerjester Local Gazette described her,
“when she was well set up, with big caps”—than you could have
anticipated, had you heard to the contrary.
Her face would have been beautiful, had it not been for a
development of cheek, with which nature had gifted her. Her nose
was of the Bluecoat Boys’ School model, and would have been
recognised by any of those scholars as a Grecian. Her hair, which
was copious, was something between auburn, and a carat-golden
hue—a sort of negative, ending in a very decided knot.
She had a well shaped head, so strikingly Well-shaped, indeed,
that any Lady seeing her for the first time engaged in reading a
sentimental novel, which would easily draw tears from her eyes,
might have feared for her being afflicted with water on the brain.
I fear that unmarried Ladies of thirty-five will set down Moe-
-* A til B 0
leena for a gusher, and think that there is anything but truth in
the depth of that Well-shaped head.
Dear Spinsters, you are wrong ; though I fancy that girls of twenty
and old Ladies of sixty will probably be right in their appreciation
of Miss Morleena’s character ; for the young female hearts and the
old female heads know, how, when their tears welled up to their eyes,,
their nature was bettered down to their deepest depths.
Miss Morleena bad a lurking suspicion that John Bounce loved
her. I think that most of you, my dear Ladies, in her position would
have come to the same conclusion ; though the conclusion is not to
be arrived at in this Chapter. John Bounce had waylaid her in
dark.corners, on the landing, in the shrubbery, coming through the
rye, in the lane when the clock struck nine, and, 1 admit, he had
put his arm round her waist, had squeezed her, and had prevented
her making any observations by demonstrating what was the real
meaning of what the clergy were always denouncing as mere lip-
service. If any young unmarried lady of forty-five reflects what
she would have done in similar circumstances, or wffiat she may have
done when tried in the like manner, I am sure she will not severely
blame Morleena for not crying out at the top of her voice, and
needlessly alarming the neighbourhood. Perhaps she was kissed : I
do not say she was, I do not say she was not; but I give my solemn
word and positive assurance, that, if such a catastrophe did happen,
as she told nobody about it, and John Bounce never mentioned it
to a soul, it went no further. And, if it be true that “ A kiss in
time saves nine,” I do not think that any Ladies, of an economical
and prudent turn of mind, would be inclined to find fault with
Morleena.
Such was the state of affairs in this quarter when it occurred to
John Bounce to inquire into Deedler’s Trust, to set his lawyer
Fishy to work, and, above all, to bring down on the Small-Beer-
jester Dignitaries the thunder and lightning of that all-powerful
organ of the Press, the Fenny Prometheus.
The Prometheus was just at this moment looking about for some
object at which it could hurl its latest invented imitation of the
deadliest thunderbolts, while shaking its sheet-iron thunder, and
sending its office-made cannon-balls rolling about the printing-office,
which sounded to the outer world quite like the genuine thing,
terrifying the simple public with such terrific flashes of their liquo-
podium torches as made ordinary men quake and tremble, startled
the holders of high office, shook dynasties, and brought to their
knees the boldest politicians.
The Prometheus had lately been engaged in scathing diatribes
on the unexampled severity of the weather, and the intolerable
nuisance of a continued East Wind. Their articles on this, as it had
come to be called Eastern Wind Question, had lashed the people of
the British Isles into a perfect frenzy. The Penny Prometheus had
solemnly declared that the subject of the East Wind must be
thoroughly ventilated ; that an Act of Parliament was immediately
required, even if the Queen’s Prerogative had to be enforced, in
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[June 19, 1880.
The rural Constabulary to have power to kill and take either a
Hare or Rabbit if it crosses their beat during the night, but the
animal so slain will be the property of the nearest occupier, or occu-
pier and owner, if they have concurrent rights.
Hares and Rabbits found trespassing on lawns or in private
gardens without a special licence from the occuiner tied round their
necks, will be prosecuted according to law.
For the purposes of this Act, the word “Hares” means also
leverets, and the word “Rabbits” means both conies and bunnies.
This Act not to apply to Welsh Rabbits, the “Hare vdth many
Friends,” currant jelly, or onion sauce.
Wherever in this Act the pronoun “his ” occurs, it signifies also
“her ; ” in like manner the plural is to be interpreted as including
the singular; and the words “occupier” and “owner” equally
apply to tenant and landlord, without prejudice.
This Act may be cited for all purposes as the “ Hares and Rabbits
Act, 1880 ; ” and it must be so quoted on the collar of all pointers,
greyhounds, lurchers, terriers, and other dogs kept by the occupier
for the destruction of ground game.
THE
BEADLE!
OR,
THE LATEST CHRONICLE OF SMALL-BEERJESTER.
ANTHONY DOLLOP.
Author of11 The Chronicles of Barsellshire,” “ Beerjester Brewers,”
“ The Halfway House at Aleinton.” “ Thorley Farm for
Cattle,” “Family Parsonage,” “The Prying Minister,”
‘ ‘ Pearls before Swine, or, Who Used his Diamonds ? ” “ Bub
the Hair," “ The Way We Dye Note.” “ Fishy Fin,” ‘ ‘ Fishy as
Wildux,” '''‘Dr. Thorne and David James,” “ Star and Garter,
Richmond,” “ Rachel Hooray ! ” “ The Jellies of Jelly,” “ The
Bertrams and Roberts,” “ Lady Rye-Anna,” “ Tails of All
Creatures,” Arry ’ Otspur,” “ Mary Greasily,” “ Vicar of
Pullbaker,” “ McDermott of Balladsingerun,” “ Can't You
Forget Her ? ” “ He Knew He Could Write,” 8fc., fc.
CHAPTER IK.
Cupid and Prometheus.
nd now looms
before me the
Novelist’s great,
but inevitable,
difficulty. Miss
Morleena Simp-
ler, the second
daughter of the
Reverend, Beadle-
Percentor, and
younger Sister of
Nevaleen, who
became Mrs. Arch-
beacon Oyer-
wayte, must be
described. John
Bounce, who was in love with her,
though he had barely admitted the
fact to himself, still less to her, could
have painted her portrait for us, and
she would have come off with flying
colours. But I am not John Bounce,
and I have got to describe Miss Mor-
leena.
In person she was scarcely so stout
as her sister would have led you to
expect, had you received your inform-
ation from her; but, at the same time,
she was of a rather finer type—when,
as the chief compositor of the Beerjester Local Gazette described her,
“when she was well set up, with big caps”—than you could have
anticipated, had you heard to the contrary.
Her face would have been beautiful, had it not been for a
development of cheek, with which nature had gifted her. Her nose
was of the Bluecoat Boys’ School model, and would have been
recognised by any of those scholars as a Grecian. Her hair, which
was copious, was something between auburn, and a carat-golden
hue—a sort of negative, ending in a very decided knot.
She had a well shaped head, so strikingly Well-shaped, indeed,
that any Lady seeing her for the first time engaged in reading a
sentimental novel, which would easily draw tears from her eyes,
might have feared for her being afflicted with water on the brain.
I fear that unmarried Ladies of thirty-five will set down Moe-
-* A til B 0
leena for a gusher, and think that there is anything but truth in
the depth of that Well-shaped head.
Dear Spinsters, you are wrong ; though I fancy that girls of twenty
and old Ladies of sixty will probably be right in their appreciation
of Miss Morleena’s character ; for the young female hearts and the
old female heads know, how, when their tears welled up to their eyes,,
their nature was bettered down to their deepest depths.
Miss Morleena bad a lurking suspicion that John Bounce loved
her. I think that most of you, my dear Ladies, in her position would
have come to the same conclusion ; though the conclusion is not to
be arrived at in this Chapter. John Bounce had waylaid her in
dark.corners, on the landing, in the shrubbery, coming through the
rye, in the lane when the clock struck nine, and, 1 admit, he had
put his arm round her waist, had squeezed her, and had prevented
her making any observations by demonstrating what was the real
meaning of what the clergy were always denouncing as mere lip-
service. If any young unmarried lady of forty-five reflects what
she would have done in similar circumstances, or wffiat she may have
done when tried in the like manner, I am sure she will not severely
blame Morleena for not crying out at the top of her voice, and
needlessly alarming the neighbourhood. Perhaps she was kissed : I
do not say she was, I do not say she was not; but I give my solemn
word and positive assurance, that, if such a catastrophe did happen,
as she told nobody about it, and John Bounce never mentioned it
to a soul, it went no further. And, if it be true that “ A kiss in
time saves nine,” I do not think that any Ladies, of an economical
and prudent turn of mind, would be inclined to find fault with
Morleena.
Such was the state of affairs in this quarter when it occurred to
John Bounce to inquire into Deedler’s Trust, to set his lawyer
Fishy to work, and, above all, to bring down on the Small-Beer-
jester Dignitaries the thunder and lightning of that all-powerful
organ of the Press, the Fenny Prometheus.
The Prometheus was just at this moment looking about for some
object at which it could hurl its latest invented imitation of the
deadliest thunderbolts, while shaking its sheet-iron thunder, and
sending its office-made cannon-balls rolling about the printing-office,
which sounded to the outer world quite like the genuine thing,
terrifying the simple public with such terrific flashes of their liquo-
podium torches as made ordinary men quake and tremble, startled
the holders of high office, shook dynasties, and brought to their
knees the boldest politicians.
The Prometheus had lately been engaged in scathing diatribes
on the unexampled severity of the weather, and the intolerable
nuisance of a continued East Wind. Their articles on this, as it had
come to be called Eastern Wind Question, had lashed the people of
the British Isles into a perfect frenzy. The Penny Prometheus had
solemnly declared that the subject of the East Wind must be
thoroughly ventilated ; that an Act of Parliament was immediately
required, even if the Queen’s Prerogative had to be enforced, in