DOI Heft:
July 3, 1880
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17763#0314
310
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [July 3, 1880.
AN AWFUL CRAMMER.
Proprietor of hoarding-house (talcing stout guest aside). “You ’ll excuse me,
Mr. Sharpset, but your Appetite is so large that I shall be compelled
TO CHARGE YOU A SHILLING EXTRA. It CAN’T BE DONE AT TWO SHILLINGS ! ”
Liner. “ No ! For Heaven’s sake don’t do that ! I can eat Two
Shillings’-worth easy ; but if I have to do Three—I really—’Afraid I
SHOULD—BUT I ’LL TRY ! ! ”
there seemed to be some likelihood of his picking a few hits up without much
trouble.
“It wasn’t you, you sneak, who called my father a thief and a swindler
in that filthy paper, was it, eh ? ” she cried, vehemently, for the stream of her
| eloquence was now in full flow, and her lover felt that any attempt to dam it
was utterly useless. She poured forth a flood of words, and brandished the
slop-basin, which it was clear to John Bounce would soon follow the teapot.
“I never said so,” Miss Morleena! “I—” and again he ducked below the
table as the crockery flew from her fair hand, and broke in a thousand fragments
at his feet.
Poor John Bounce ! his position was certainly a cruel one. Had any gentle-
man treated him in this way he could have given him as good as he brought—
that is, if he had possessed an equally valuable set of blue china; or if Miss
Morleena had employed her lawyer to hurl these things at him, he would have
instructed his own to accept tea service ; but how could he do anything but duck
and hide beneath the table when a beautiful girl, the daughter of the man he
had injured, was heaving things at him in this manner ? What was her conduct
but that of a Daughter of Heave, after all ?
In the meantime, Morleena again summoned up her energies.
“ Mr. Bounce,” said she, “ I will reserve the silver milk-jug and the sugar-
basin until I hear your answer.”
He stood up from his stooping posture and looked immensely pleased.
“ I am going to ask you to do something for me,” she went on. “ It is not
much, but it is something. If you refuse-”
“What is it?” he gasped out, deprecating the movement of her fair hand
towards the sugar-basin, and at the same time edging nervously towards the
door of the arbour which Morleena had, however, previously locked. She fol-
lowed. him round the table as he moved from his chair, and laid one soft hand
on his arm while he felt the other pressing into his neck between the front
shirt-collar button and his wind-pipe. Ah ! at any other time how exquisitely
delightful would have been that touch! What could he say to this sweet sup-
pliant P Scarcely a word, for she would not remove her soft hand from his
Ihroat.
“Will you go and kill the Editor of the Prometheus ?” she almost screamed.
“I will!_ I will!” cried John Bounce. “Oh, Mor-
leena, I will do anything, but-”
She still held him and looked eagerly into his face,
with her hair dishevelled, her eyes all bloodshot, and
the massive milk-jug aloft in her right hand, ready to
descend with all the full force of her true feminine
power on her lover’s head.
“ Will you go and assassinate the man who wrote that
article ? ” she screamed again.
“ I will! I will! shrieked John Bounce, “ if you will
only let me tell you how I love you. How I-”
“ Will you?” she continued remorselessly, “ will yi>u
go and exterminate, blowup, if you like, all the printers,
printers’-devils, publishers, editors, writers, and every-
one connected with that execrable Prometheus ? ”
“I will, I will!” he shouted. “Morleena, I
swear-”
“That’s rude in a lady’s presence,” she interrupted;
“ but you will take your oath to blow them all up, every-
one ?”
“ I renounce them all—I mean I will,” answered John
Bounce, sinking on his knees, and hardly able to recognise
in the wild excited beauty that stood before him the calm
domesticated child of Mr. Simon Simpler. She continued—
“You will take your oath on your knees, hut you will
not keep it there. You will go to London, and there you
will keep it. Now, say after me, All this I promise and
vow-”
“ All this I promise and vow,” repeats John Bounce, j
S’help me! ”j
“ S’help me! ” echoed her lover.
Then, her object being gained, with becoming maidenly
confusion she opened the door, and said she must now
really go,—she couldn’t stop any longer alone with Mr.
Bounce,—what would people say ?-—and so forth.
“ Let me say one word for myself,” he pleaded.
“Not one,’’ was her reply, ‘‘till you return from London
and prove to me that you have fulfilled your vow.”
“ But I may hope ?” he urged.
“As much as you like,” she returned. “And when
you come hack—ask Papa ! ” and so saying she tripped
across the lawn and gained the house, entering it by the
back door, and disappearing from the gaze of her
enamoured admirer.
“ Ask Papa! ” he repeated to himself. Then he went
round to the front and inquired for Mr. Simpler.
The trim maid who answered him and the door at the
same time, said that—
“ Master had gone up to town not a ’our ago.”
“Then I’ll follow him,” said John Bounce, deter-
minedly, “ and see him at once.”
‘ ‘ Miss Morleena told me to say as she ain’t at home,
Sir,” said the servant, “ but anything as you intend for
her, if you’ll leave it with me, Sir,-”
John Bounce, who had intended a kiss for her Mistress,
at once stepped forward to impress the trim waiting-maid
with the message which she could then convey with her
own lips after she had received it from his, but at this
moment the contents of a water-jug were emptied upon
him from an upper window and the door was peremp-
torily shut in his face.
“Morleena! ” he exclaimed, looking up.
“You seemed fond of ducking your head while I was
talking to you in the arbour, so I thought I’d duck it for
you now,” said Morleena, her fair face lighted up with
enthusiasm. “And, mind, don’t you attempt to leave
anything for me in that way again.”
And so she closed the window, and poor John Bounce
thought that with her disappearance the light of day had
vanished, that the sun had departed, at least, that the
daughter had. But his resolution was already taken;
the next thing to be taken was his ticket for town.
So far, you see, my dear Ladies, whose ideas as to
the result of this interview have not been exactly realised,
Andromeda has nd herself for a time of the sea-monster
without the aid of the hero Perseus, and it seems more
probable that there will be an immolation of the sea-
monster himself than of the maiden who was to have
been his victim on this classic shore.
QUITE THE REVERSE.
It has been suggested that just now Turkey is the
land of Goschen. May it prove to be. But Turkey at
present is the land not of Light but of Darkness.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [July 3, 1880.
AN AWFUL CRAMMER.
Proprietor of hoarding-house (talcing stout guest aside). “You ’ll excuse me,
Mr. Sharpset, but your Appetite is so large that I shall be compelled
TO CHARGE YOU A SHILLING EXTRA. It CAN’T BE DONE AT TWO SHILLINGS ! ”
Liner. “ No ! For Heaven’s sake don’t do that ! I can eat Two
Shillings’-worth easy ; but if I have to do Three—I really—’Afraid I
SHOULD—BUT I ’LL TRY ! ! ”
there seemed to be some likelihood of his picking a few hits up without much
trouble.
“It wasn’t you, you sneak, who called my father a thief and a swindler
in that filthy paper, was it, eh ? ” she cried, vehemently, for the stream of her
| eloquence was now in full flow, and her lover felt that any attempt to dam it
was utterly useless. She poured forth a flood of words, and brandished the
slop-basin, which it was clear to John Bounce would soon follow the teapot.
“I never said so,” Miss Morleena! “I—” and again he ducked below the
table as the crockery flew from her fair hand, and broke in a thousand fragments
at his feet.
Poor John Bounce ! his position was certainly a cruel one. Had any gentle-
man treated him in this way he could have given him as good as he brought—
that is, if he had possessed an equally valuable set of blue china; or if Miss
Morleena had employed her lawyer to hurl these things at him, he would have
instructed his own to accept tea service ; but how could he do anything but duck
and hide beneath the table when a beautiful girl, the daughter of the man he
had injured, was heaving things at him in this manner ? What was her conduct
but that of a Daughter of Heave, after all ?
In the meantime, Morleena again summoned up her energies.
“ Mr. Bounce,” said she, “ I will reserve the silver milk-jug and the sugar-
basin until I hear your answer.”
He stood up from his stooping posture and looked immensely pleased.
“ I am going to ask you to do something for me,” she went on. “ It is not
much, but it is something. If you refuse-”
“What is it?” he gasped out, deprecating the movement of her fair hand
towards the sugar-basin, and at the same time edging nervously towards the
door of the arbour which Morleena had, however, previously locked. She fol-
lowed. him round the table as he moved from his chair, and laid one soft hand
on his arm while he felt the other pressing into his neck between the front
shirt-collar button and his wind-pipe. Ah ! at any other time how exquisitely
delightful would have been that touch! What could he say to this sweet sup-
pliant P Scarcely a word, for she would not remove her soft hand from his
Ihroat.
“Will you go and kill the Editor of the Prometheus ?” she almost screamed.
“I will!_ I will!” cried John Bounce. “Oh, Mor-
leena, I will do anything, but-”
She still held him and looked eagerly into his face,
with her hair dishevelled, her eyes all bloodshot, and
the massive milk-jug aloft in her right hand, ready to
descend with all the full force of her true feminine
power on her lover’s head.
“ Will you go and assassinate the man who wrote that
article ? ” she screamed again.
“ I will! I will! shrieked John Bounce, “ if you will
only let me tell you how I love you. How I-”
“ Will you?” she continued remorselessly, “ will yi>u
go and exterminate, blowup, if you like, all the printers,
printers’-devils, publishers, editors, writers, and every-
one connected with that execrable Prometheus ? ”
“I will, I will!” he shouted. “Morleena, I
swear-”
“That’s rude in a lady’s presence,” she interrupted;
“ but you will take your oath to blow them all up, every-
one ?”
“ I renounce them all—I mean I will,” answered John
Bounce, sinking on his knees, and hardly able to recognise
in the wild excited beauty that stood before him the calm
domesticated child of Mr. Simon Simpler. She continued—
“You will take your oath on your knees, hut you will
not keep it there. You will go to London, and there you
will keep it. Now, say after me, All this I promise and
vow-”
“ All this I promise and vow,” repeats John Bounce, j
S’help me! ”j
“ S’help me! ” echoed her lover.
Then, her object being gained, with becoming maidenly
confusion she opened the door, and said she must now
really go,—she couldn’t stop any longer alone with Mr.
Bounce,—what would people say ?-—and so forth.
“ Let me say one word for myself,” he pleaded.
“Not one,’’ was her reply, ‘‘till you return from London
and prove to me that you have fulfilled your vow.”
“ But I may hope ?” he urged.
“As much as you like,” she returned. “And when
you come hack—ask Papa ! ” and so saying she tripped
across the lawn and gained the house, entering it by the
back door, and disappearing from the gaze of her
enamoured admirer.
“ Ask Papa! ” he repeated to himself. Then he went
round to the front and inquired for Mr. Simpler.
The trim maid who answered him and the door at the
same time, said that—
“ Master had gone up to town not a ’our ago.”
“Then I’ll follow him,” said John Bounce, deter-
minedly, “ and see him at once.”
‘ ‘ Miss Morleena told me to say as she ain’t at home,
Sir,” said the servant, “ but anything as you intend for
her, if you’ll leave it with me, Sir,-”
John Bounce, who had intended a kiss for her Mistress,
at once stepped forward to impress the trim waiting-maid
with the message which she could then convey with her
own lips after she had received it from his, but at this
moment the contents of a water-jug were emptied upon
him from an upper window and the door was peremp-
torily shut in his face.
“Morleena! ” he exclaimed, looking up.
“You seemed fond of ducking your head while I was
talking to you in the arbour, so I thought I’d duck it for
you now,” said Morleena, her fair face lighted up with
enthusiasm. “And, mind, don’t you attempt to leave
anything for me in that way again.”
And so she closed the window, and poor John Bounce
thought that with her disappearance the light of day had
vanished, that the sun had departed, at least, that the
daughter had. But his resolution was already taken;
the next thing to be taken was his ticket for town.
So far, you see, my dear Ladies, whose ideas as to
the result of this interview have not been exactly realised,
Andromeda has nd herself for a time of the sea-monster
without the aid of the hero Perseus, and it seems more
probable that there will be an immolation of the sea-
monster himself than of the maiden who was to have
been his victim on this classic shore.
QUITE THE REVERSE.
It has been suggested that just now Turkey is the
land of Goschen. May it prove to be. But Turkey at
present is the land not of Light but of Darkness.