DOI issue:
February 3, 1883
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17754#0061
February 3, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
53
HOW BULL-APIS WENT UP AGAINST TEL-EL-KEBIR.
Fragments of an Epic of Modern Egypt.
Communicated by the Shade of the Poet Pentaour, aforetime Epicist, Poet-Laureate,
Lyric Chronicler, and Ehijthmical War Correspondent to Rameses II.
King Bull-Apis marched to the eastward, to the borders of Nilus he came ;
He marched with his six-foot sword-wielders, his tubes that could thunder forth
flame,
With the troops of his pocket-SESOSTRis, which same was a friendly nickname.
But ere he was come to the river, the Sly One of Egypt arose,
From the wilds, and the slums, and the prisons he summoned Bull-Apis’s foes;
They gathered as frogs in the marshes, they all at Tel-el-Kehir lay,
In anticipation of looting, in prospect of increase of pay.
King Bull-Apis heard, and he armed him, like Mentu he rose in his might,
He buckled his belt for the battle, he buttoned his boots for the fight,
And swift from the stalls in the rearward, from the stables of Bull-Apis came,
His steeds that were mighty to hear him, the stout Sixteen-Stunners their name;
The Pad-hes, the Sand-hes, the Jon-hes, he gathered them all for the war,
With the Azure-Shirts, sons of the sea-god, the guns, and the iron-sheathed car.
But the guns of A-ra-bi by hundreds were ranged in his road, and there lay
The hordes of the Sly One of Egypt as a bar in Bull-Apis’s way.
Of the tribes of the Franks none appeared, and the rest of the nations stood far ;
But the tag-raggy troops of the Sly One stood there ready ranged for the war.
Was there one of the battle-ranks with him? Of the Captains and hosts was
there one ?
Nay, but they held far from the battle; King Bull-Apis stood there alone.
Then Bull-Apis cried to Grandolman, “ Look here ! Shall I, solus, go on ?
Wherein have I erred, 0 Grandolman ? This deed at tliy word have I done.
The laws of thy mouth I transgressed not, nor went from thy counsels astray.
The straight-tip from thee have I waited, 1 ’ve patiently walked in thy way.
And now underfoot by these Fellahs shall sturdy Bull-Apis he trod ?
Thy tongue, 0 Grandolman, can square it, or it were remarkably odd.
Behold, it is thou that hast done it. I blame not thy counsels, I cry,—
Give the word, and I’m game for the tussle.” Grandolman he winked with
his eye.
He cried, “ I’m Grandolman, as ever, a peace-loving party, my son ;
But at present I’m right on the war-path, like Ra, the Victorious One,
My heart is afire a la Jin-go, I stretch forth my hands to the fray.
Your warriors, Bull-Apis, are ready, I’m ditto. So go it! I say.”
He spake, and his word was accomplished, Bull-Apis shot forth to the fight,
And before you could say “ periwinkle,” he charged, and the foe was in flight,
And there stood the Sly One of Egypt, but not very long there stood he,
Beholding the rush of Bull-Apis right promptly he turned him to flee.
And the King was alone. Then he halted his bravest, and cried, “ That is done !
It was hot while it lasted, my heroes, but this is the end of the fun.”
* * * * * *
Then the boss of that show, even Tooth-pick, he plucked up his courage and
said,
“ This is what I call real good ‘ biz.’ For A-ra-bi, 0, off with his head ! ”
But Bull-Apis cried to him, “ Steady, 0, steady, my loud Chanticleer!
I must have my trade-ways unblocked, but good Fellahs from me need not fear.
King Bull-Apis fights not for booty ; he means only kindness and good ;
And—well, you just ask my Grandolman if I have a thirsting for blood.
The nations who left me to do it, now seem in no end of a state ;
But—I mean to clear out, I assure you,—as soon as I’ve set things all straight.”
*******
And now when the horsemen and footmen, the stout Sixteen-Stunners, and he,
| The pocket-Sesostris, right hand of Bull-Apis, had come o’er the sea.
They were praised e’en as Mentu the Mighty, the sword unresisted of Ra,
With banquet, and bunting, and buncombe, great honour, and sounding Huzza!
The nations seemed flummoxed and doubtful; they said,
“ ’Tis Bull-Apis’s style ;
He marches to fight with a hymn-hook, he collars a land
with a smile.”
Grandolman, the tongue-swift protested, and Pussi,
the silken-pawed, purred,
“Bull-Apis was great in the battle, but peace and
plain-dealing preferred.”
Sware they, “He means making things pleasant all
round, now he’s crumpled his foes.”
And, in ideographical Coptic, the nations responded, with
close
Of dextral orbicular muscle, and digits pressed close to
the nose.
PRIVATE BILLS AND PROJECTS.
The Society for the Preservation of Commons and
Open Spaces is doubtless awake to the fact that the
Railway Bills of the imminent Session threaten to lead
to the absorption of more than 420 acres of forest and
common - land. In par-
ticular, the New Forest is
menaced by competing
lines to Bournemouth,
each of which, perhaps,
may, however, happily7
succeed in defeating the
other. Epping Forest is
also endangered by the
projected line from Ching-
ford to High Beach. A
plague of both your lines!
And surely the latter
scheme should be opposed
by the Corporation of
London. Or is it that the
proposed route is to be
made to please some silly
Liveryman ?
The suburbs of London, u.uc.uj xwunap,
are destined, if certain Private Bills pass, to worse
despoilment by Tramways. It is actually proposed to
force a Tramway through Kensington! That effected,
the next progressive improvement probably will be a
Tramway to traverse Kensington Gardens.
“ Facility of access” is a valuable consideration cer-
tainly ; but what if the means of access to any given
place make that place not worth going to ? What will
be the good of getting easily and cheaply to the New
Forest and Epping Forest, if Epping Forest and the New
Forest shall have been cut up and ruined ? And will
not increased “facilities of access” to the suburbs
convert such suburbs into slums still worse than those
they have been turned into as it is, and render them
still less worth being resorted to for refreshment and
recreation than they have now become ?
Opposition to intrusive inroads and encroachments on
peace and quiet, beauty and repose, is scoffed at as
“ sentimental.” As if the promotion of sordid and
barbarous joint-stock speculations were prompted by any
wiser motive. As though a sentiment were something
less rational than a propensity, and, in particular,
Ideality were more stupid than Acquisitiveness.
Utility must always, of course, be the first considera-
tion—for speculators who simply want to invest money
to advantage. But shouldn’t it be considered that the
end of unlimited utilisation for the sake of profit must
necessarily be that everything that is lovely and makes
life worth living will, at the pace utilisation is proceed-
ing, be ultimately used up ?
A Silly Liverj man.
nlrpnrlT7' srnnilprl HqiIwqttq
Taking Another Glass.
“ To see ourselves as others see us,” there is nothing
like looking into the criticisms of the intelligent
foreigner. Such an one, Dr. J. Scherr by name, has
been criticising English literature. He tells us,
amongst other remarkable things, that Byron’s Myrrha
is “ not inferior to any female character of Shak-
speare ” ! Dr. Scherr himself is manifestly not only
“not inferior,” he actually rises superior to Nature’s
favourite child. Shakspeare held the Mirror up to
Nature; but Dr. Scherr holds the Myrrha up to
Shakspeare.
53
HOW BULL-APIS WENT UP AGAINST TEL-EL-KEBIR.
Fragments of an Epic of Modern Egypt.
Communicated by the Shade of the Poet Pentaour, aforetime Epicist, Poet-Laureate,
Lyric Chronicler, and Ehijthmical War Correspondent to Rameses II.
King Bull-Apis marched to the eastward, to the borders of Nilus he came ;
He marched with his six-foot sword-wielders, his tubes that could thunder forth
flame,
With the troops of his pocket-SESOSTRis, which same was a friendly nickname.
But ere he was come to the river, the Sly One of Egypt arose,
From the wilds, and the slums, and the prisons he summoned Bull-Apis’s foes;
They gathered as frogs in the marshes, they all at Tel-el-Kehir lay,
In anticipation of looting, in prospect of increase of pay.
King Bull-Apis heard, and he armed him, like Mentu he rose in his might,
He buckled his belt for the battle, he buttoned his boots for the fight,
And swift from the stalls in the rearward, from the stables of Bull-Apis came,
His steeds that were mighty to hear him, the stout Sixteen-Stunners their name;
The Pad-hes, the Sand-hes, the Jon-hes, he gathered them all for the war,
With the Azure-Shirts, sons of the sea-god, the guns, and the iron-sheathed car.
But the guns of A-ra-bi by hundreds were ranged in his road, and there lay
The hordes of the Sly One of Egypt as a bar in Bull-Apis’s way.
Of the tribes of the Franks none appeared, and the rest of the nations stood far ;
But the tag-raggy troops of the Sly One stood there ready ranged for the war.
Was there one of the battle-ranks with him? Of the Captains and hosts was
there one ?
Nay, but they held far from the battle; King Bull-Apis stood there alone.
Then Bull-Apis cried to Grandolman, “ Look here ! Shall I, solus, go on ?
Wherein have I erred, 0 Grandolman ? This deed at tliy word have I done.
The laws of thy mouth I transgressed not, nor went from thy counsels astray.
The straight-tip from thee have I waited, 1 ’ve patiently walked in thy way.
And now underfoot by these Fellahs shall sturdy Bull-Apis he trod ?
Thy tongue, 0 Grandolman, can square it, or it were remarkably odd.
Behold, it is thou that hast done it. I blame not thy counsels, I cry,—
Give the word, and I’m game for the tussle.” Grandolman he winked with
his eye.
He cried, “ I’m Grandolman, as ever, a peace-loving party, my son ;
But at present I’m right on the war-path, like Ra, the Victorious One,
My heart is afire a la Jin-go, I stretch forth my hands to the fray.
Your warriors, Bull-Apis, are ready, I’m ditto. So go it! I say.”
He spake, and his word was accomplished, Bull-Apis shot forth to the fight,
And before you could say “ periwinkle,” he charged, and the foe was in flight,
And there stood the Sly One of Egypt, but not very long there stood he,
Beholding the rush of Bull-Apis right promptly he turned him to flee.
And the King was alone. Then he halted his bravest, and cried, “ That is done !
It was hot while it lasted, my heroes, but this is the end of the fun.”
* * * * * *
Then the boss of that show, even Tooth-pick, he plucked up his courage and
said,
“ This is what I call real good ‘ biz.’ For A-ra-bi, 0, off with his head ! ”
But Bull-Apis cried to him, “ Steady, 0, steady, my loud Chanticleer!
I must have my trade-ways unblocked, but good Fellahs from me need not fear.
King Bull-Apis fights not for booty ; he means only kindness and good ;
And—well, you just ask my Grandolman if I have a thirsting for blood.
The nations who left me to do it, now seem in no end of a state ;
But—I mean to clear out, I assure you,—as soon as I’ve set things all straight.”
*******
And now when the horsemen and footmen, the stout Sixteen-Stunners, and he,
| The pocket-Sesostris, right hand of Bull-Apis, had come o’er the sea.
They were praised e’en as Mentu the Mighty, the sword unresisted of Ra,
With banquet, and bunting, and buncombe, great honour, and sounding Huzza!
The nations seemed flummoxed and doubtful; they said,
“ ’Tis Bull-Apis’s style ;
He marches to fight with a hymn-hook, he collars a land
with a smile.”
Grandolman, the tongue-swift protested, and Pussi,
the silken-pawed, purred,
“Bull-Apis was great in the battle, but peace and
plain-dealing preferred.”
Sware they, “He means making things pleasant all
round, now he’s crumpled his foes.”
And, in ideographical Coptic, the nations responded, with
close
Of dextral orbicular muscle, and digits pressed close to
the nose.
PRIVATE BILLS AND PROJECTS.
The Society for the Preservation of Commons and
Open Spaces is doubtless awake to the fact that the
Railway Bills of the imminent Session threaten to lead
to the absorption of more than 420 acres of forest and
common - land. In par-
ticular, the New Forest is
menaced by competing
lines to Bournemouth,
each of which, perhaps,
may, however, happily7
succeed in defeating the
other. Epping Forest is
also endangered by the
projected line from Ching-
ford to High Beach. A
plague of both your lines!
And surely the latter
scheme should be opposed
by the Corporation of
London. Or is it that the
proposed route is to be
made to please some silly
Liveryman ?
The suburbs of London, u.uc.uj xwunap,
are destined, if certain Private Bills pass, to worse
despoilment by Tramways. It is actually proposed to
force a Tramway through Kensington! That effected,
the next progressive improvement probably will be a
Tramway to traverse Kensington Gardens.
“ Facility of access” is a valuable consideration cer-
tainly ; but what if the means of access to any given
place make that place not worth going to ? What will
be the good of getting easily and cheaply to the New
Forest and Epping Forest, if Epping Forest and the New
Forest shall have been cut up and ruined ? And will
not increased “facilities of access” to the suburbs
convert such suburbs into slums still worse than those
they have been turned into as it is, and render them
still less worth being resorted to for refreshment and
recreation than they have now become ?
Opposition to intrusive inroads and encroachments on
peace and quiet, beauty and repose, is scoffed at as
“ sentimental.” As if the promotion of sordid and
barbarous joint-stock speculations were prompted by any
wiser motive. As though a sentiment were something
less rational than a propensity, and, in particular,
Ideality were more stupid than Acquisitiveness.
Utility must always, of course, be the first considera-
tion—for speculators who simply want to invest money
to advantage. But shouldn’t it be considered that the
end of unlimited utilisation for the sake of profit must
necessarily be that everything that is lovely and makes
life worth living will, at the pace utilisation is proceed-
ing, be ultimately used up ?
A Silly Liverj man.
nlrpnrlT7' srnnilprl HqiIwqttq
Taking Another Glass.
“ To see ourselves as others see us,” there is nothing
like looking into the criticisms of the intelligent
foreigner. Such an one, Dr. J. Scherr by name, has
been criticising English literature. He tells us,
amongst other remarkable things, that Byron’s Myrrha
is “ not inferior to any female character of Shak-
speare ” ! Dr. Scherr himself is manifestly not only
“not inferior,” he actually rises superior to Nature’s
favourite child. Shakspeare held the Mirror up to
Nature; but Dr. Scherr holds the Myrrha up to
Shakspeare.