DOI Heft:
March 17, 1883
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17754#0128
MiBOH 17, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE UNIVERSITIES’ BOAT-RACE.
AS IT MIGHT, COULD, SHOULD, OR OUGHT TO BE.
OUR FUTURE LORD MAYOR.
November 9th, 1883.—So I am the first Lord Mayor of the grand new
Municipality of London! Proud position. “Westminster, Lord
Mayor of London!” Populace seem pleased at my appearance.
Wonder what the “ City Magnates” will think of a Duke as their
5 Chief Magistrate. Must try and be very affable.
At Mansion House.—Curious, City Magnates all seem dreadfully
afraid of me. Wonder if I ought to send for Loving Cup at once.
Wonder what old Lord Mayors did to make themselves popular.
Must get Firth to coach me up in this. Procession to-day. at all
events, shall be a tremendous success. Determined to show London
the difference between a Mayor who’s only a “ City snob,” to use a
vulgar expression which Firth is constantly using, and a real
live Duke. My new State-coach, with sixteen performing elephants
harnessed to it, will take the populace, I rather fancy. Thoughtful
of me to have secured services of all Madame Tussaud’s wax-work
figures to sit in carriages, dressed like Sheriffs.
Twelve o' Clock.—Time for Procession to start. Feel nervous. Why
should a Lord Mayor wear these ridiculous “ robes of office ” ? Wish
Gladstone had inserted a clause in his Act, allowing me to appear
inordinary morning-coat on all State occasions. Also find the Ducal
Coronet troublesome ; shouldn’t have put it on, only Firth insisted
that populace would smash windows of new State Coach, if I didn’t.
Five o' Clock.—Show not quite as great a success as I expected.
Elephants turned out rathev refractory somewhere up in Canonbury.
Was obliged to extend old route, to please ratepayers of “Larger
London ”; made it include Hammersmith, Croyclon, Hampstead,
Greenwich, and back downEdgeware Road. Rather tiring. Men in
armour mutinied in Shad well, and refused to goon without an hour’s
rest and money for refreshments. Took opportunity to put robes
and coronet on one of Madi.me Tussaud’s figures, stuck him in the
State Coach, and had a quiet snooze at the bottom of the carriage.
At Hampstead, band struck. Provoking !
Attitude of populace on the whole satisfactory. Don’t, however,
quite know if they were cheering Alderman and Sheriff Bradlaugh,
or myself. Street-boys also don’t seem to understand new order of
things. Stopped my coach several times, and explained to them
that I was not an ordinary Lord Mayor, and that the new Munici-
pality was entirely distinct from the old City.
Evening.—Dinner to Her Majesty’s Ministers. Thank Heaven,
this will be an occasion on which they can’t help feeling difference
between a nobleman and a “City nob” (as Firth says). Wonder
who all those peculiarly-dressed females are ? Am just giving orders
to have them turned out as intruders, when Firth whispers to me
that they are the relatives of the new Aldermen. Heavens ! Forgot
that new Aldermen were elected by ratepayers. They have come
from a “new social stratum,” too. Why should Wapping have
insisted on returning Bradlaugh at head of the poll ? There he is !
Isn’t there an oath for an Alderman and Sheriff, I wonder ? If so,
might manage to exclude him.
After a Week.—Find duties of the office simply overwhelming.
Everybody who’s got a grievance comes to me. Have received in two
days deputations from Society for Spread of Sensational Literature,
Society for Suppression of Smoking, the League for the Total and
Unoenditional Conversion of Mahometan Costermongers, the Skeleton
Army, the Salvation Ditto, the Timbuctoo Famine Relief Committee,
the Ratepayers’ Lynch-law Committee, and the Council of the
“ Working-men’s Channel Tunnel and Proletariat Balloon Society.”
“ Nationalisation of Land Society ” just sent a deputation to ask
me to lend Egyptian Chamber of Mansion House for a meeting to
denounce rents! Very insulting. Refused politely. Deputation
seemed annoyed. Said the “ new Municipality was democratic, and
Mansion House belonged to the people.” Really this sort of thing
very irritating. Some people don’t seem to know the difference
between a Duke and a spectacle-maker.
. After a Fortnight.—Felt that the new order of things meant cessa-
tion of old extravagant style of Aldermanic banquets. So rose to
occasion, and gave strict orders to limit the wine to one bottle of our
fine new brand of “ Municipality Champagne,” at five-and-sixpence
a dozen. Also have had turtle-soup diluted with half-and-half best
Thames water, from which “ animal organisms ” have been pretty
well excluded by filtration.
Waiters strike “ en masse ” just before banquet to Serene Highness
Emperor of Saskatchewan ! Awkward. Must dissemble. Am
extremely affable to waiters, and get them to promise to come back
“for one night certain” on promise that I won’t keep what’s left
from to-night’s banquet till next one a. week hence.
Fancy Dress Ball last night. Aldermanic representative of Seven
Dials brought a whole host of relatives. Obliged to retire at an early
period of evening to cellars, where I enjoyed quiet glass of splendid
Madeira, laid down by dear old Corporation, in company with Firth.
Firth says he thinks new Municipality is not “going” quite as
well as he expected. I reply, that 1 wish it were gore altogether
He rather agrees with me. We both slip out by back-door, and off
to Grosvenor House, where I have a regular jolly evening, the first
since I was elected Lord Mayor.
February.—Hurrah! Shower of snow at last. Now will show
populace what they gain by a grand Municipality. Been waiting
for this opportunity all the winter. Had men in readiness night
and day, to sweep every thoroughfare perfectly clean in two hours !
Result disappointing. Men thought winter was over, and have, it
appears, deserted posts. Got in amateur sweepers, at extra cost.
About twenty thousand men, and five thousand waggons. Expense,
I am afraid, enormous. Snow all carted into Thames, and causes
disastrous flood. Angry deputation from inhabitants of flooded
houses waits on me at Mansion House. Refuse to see them. Amateur
sweepers run away with the Municipality’s brooms and carts. Just
got snow well cleared away at cost of some thousands to ratepayers,
when down it comes again, worse than ever !
Next Day.—Resign post. Tell Gladstone to give it to a soap-
boiler. Old “social stratum” much the best for this sort of thing.
Go off to Cannes with Firth, to recuperate, and. try and forget the j
most disagreeable half-year I ever spent.in my life.
THE UNIVERSITIES’ BOAT-RACE.
AS IT MIGHT, COULD, SHOULD, OR OUGHT TO BE.
OUR FUTURE LORD MAYOR.
November 9th, 1883.—So I am the first Lord Mayor of the grand new
Municipality of London! Proud position. “Westminster, Lord
Mayor of London!” Populace seem pleased at my appearance.
Wonder what the “ City Magnates” will think of a Duke as their
5 Chief Magistrate. Must try and be very affable.
At Mansion House.—Curious, City Magnates all seem dreadfully
afraid of me. Wonder if I ought to send for Loving Cup at once.
Wonder what old Lord Mayors did to make themselves popular.
Must get Firth to coach me up in this. Procession to-day. at all
events, shall be a tremendous success. Determined to show London
the difference between a Mayor who’s only a “ City snob,” to use a
vulgar expression which Firth is constantly using, and a real
live Duke. My new State-coach, with sixteen performing elephants
harnessed to it, will take the populace, I rather fancy. Thoughtful
of me to have secured services of all Madame Tussaud’s wax-work
figures to sit in carriages, dressed like Sheriffs.
Twelve o' Clock.—Time for Procession to start. Feel nervous. Why
should a Lord Mayor wear these ridiculous “ robes of office ” ? Wish
Gladstone had inserted a clause in his Act, allowing me to appear
inordinary morning-coat on all State occasions. Also find the Ducal
Coronet troublesome ; shouldn’t have put it on, only Firth insisted
that populace would smash windows of new State Coach, if I didn’t.
Five o' Clock.—Show not quite as great a success as I expected.
Elephants turned out rathev refractory somewhere up in Canonbury.
Was obliged to extend old route, to please ratepayers of “Larger
London ”; made it include Hammersmith, Croyclon, Hampstead,
Greenwich, and back downEdgeware Road. Rather tiring. Men in
armour mutinied in Shad well, and refused to goon without an hour’s
rest and money for refreshments. Took opportunity to put robes
and coronet on one of Madi.me Tussaud’s figures, stuck him in the
State Coach, and had a quiet snooze at the bottom of the carriage.
At Hampstead, band struck. Provoking !
Attitude of populace on the whole satisfactory. Don’t, however,
quite know if they were cheering Alderman and Sheriff Bradlaugh,
or myself. Street-boys also don’t seem to understand new order of
things. Stopped my coach several times, and explained to them
that I was not an ordinary Lord Mayor, and that the new Munici-
pality was entirely distinct from the old City.
Evening.—Dinner to Her Majesty’s Ministers. Thank Heaven,
this will be an occasion on which they can’t help feeling difference
between a nobleman and a “City nob” (as Firth says). Wonder
who all those peculiarly-dressed females are ? Am just giving orders
to have them turned out as intruders, when Firth whispers to me
that they are the relatives of the new Aldermen. Heavens ! Forgot
that new Aldermen were elected by ratepayers. They have come
from a “new social stratum,” too. Why should Wapping have
insisted on returning Bradlaugh at head of the poll ? There he is !
Isn’t there an oath for an Alderman and Sheriff, I wonder ? If so,
might manage to exclude him.
After a Week.—Find duties of the office simply overwhelming.
Everybody who’s got a grievance comes to me. Have received in two
days deputations from Society for Spread of Sensational Literature,
Society for Suppression of Smoking, the League for the Total and
Unoenditional Conversion of Mahometan Costermongers, the Skeleton
Army, the Salvation Ditto, the Timbuctoo Famine Relief Committee,
the Ratepayers’ Lynch-law Committee, and the Council of the
“ Working-men’s Channel Tunnel and Proletariat Balloon Society.”
“ Nationalisation of Land Society ” just sent a deputation to ask
me to lend Egyptian Chamber of Mansion House for a meeting to
denounce rents! Very insulting. Refused politely. Deputation
seemed annoyed. Said the “ new Municipality was democratic, and
Mansion House belonged to the people.” Really this sort of thing
very irritating. Some people don’t seem to know the difference
between a Duke and a spectacle-maker.
. After a Fortnight.—Felt that the new order of things meant cessa-
tion of old extravagant style of Aldermanic banquets. So rose to
occasion, and gave strict orders to limit the wine to one bottle of our
fine new brand of “ Municipality Champagne,” at five-and-sixpence
a dozen. Also have had turtle-soup diluted with half-and-half best
Thames water, from which “ animal organisms ” have been pretty
well excluded by filtration.
Waiters strike “ en masse ” just before banquet to Serene Highness
Emperor of Saskatchewan ! Awkward. Must dissemble. Am
extremely affable to waiters, and get them to promise to come back
“for one night certain” on promise that I won’t keep what’s left
from to-night’s banquet till next one a. week hence.
Fancy Dress Ball last night. Aldermanic representative of Seven
Dials brought a whole host of relatives. Obliged to retire at an early
period of evening to cellars, where I enjoyed quiet glass of splendid
Madeira, laid down by dear old Corporation, in company with Firth.
Firth says he thinks new Municipality is not “going” quite as
well as he expected. I reply, that 1 wish it were gore altogether
He rather agrees with me. We both slip out by back-door, and off
to Grosvenor House, where I have a regular jolly evening, the first
since I was elected Lord Mayor.
February.—Hurrah! Shower of snow at last. Now will show
populace what they gain by a grand Municipality. Been waiting
for this opportunity all the winter. Had men in readiness night
and day, to sweep every thoroughfare perfectly clean in two hours !
Result disappointing. Men thought winter was over, and have, it
appears, deserted posts. Got in amateur sweepers, at extra cost.
About twenty thousand men, and five thousand waggons. Expense,
I am afraid, enormous. Snow all carted into Thames, and causes
disastrous flood. Angry deputation from inhabitants of flooded
houses waits on me at Mansion House. Refuse to see them. Amateur
sweepers run away with the Municipality’s brooms and carts. Just
got snow well cleared away at cost of some thousands to ratepayers,
when down it comes again, worse than ever !
Next Day.—Resign post. Tell Gladstone to give it to a soap-
boiler. Old “social stratum” much the best for this sort of thing.
Go off to Cannes with Firth, to recuperate, and. try and forget the j
most disagreeable half-year I ever spent.in my life.