Punch (84.1883)

April 28, 1883,]

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHAKIVARL

MUSICAL (VOTES.

Adapted for the Use of the Royal College oj Music, by Dumb-Cramho Junior.

i in in / m nil

A leg-row.

Bass-o! Skirts-sew Movement.

Pew lent-o! Cap reach, he-o ! So.

ARRIVING AT AMATEURITY.

Mr. Punch, having been informed on good authority that the
unfettered enthusiasts who hold that a special training is by no
means necessary to professional competency, and have, as a conse-
quence, latterly been taking the Stage, if not the Public, by storm,
are so angry with Mr. Irving, that they are about to emigrate en
masse, for the purpose of founding a Colony where their own fresh
and airy ideas can have free and fair play, desires to recommend the
following to their notice.

It is merely a chance page taken at random from a little useful
handbook (A Complete Letter- Writer) Mr. Lunch is compiling,
that will, he thinks, be found invaluable to the neophyte in any such
Society as his young friends have in contemplation. There are, of
course, in Mr. Punch's collection, models provided for “ Amateur”
Soldiers, Sailors, Doctors, R.A.’s, Lord Chancellors, and others, but
j the one he has selected from a distinguished Ecclesiastic will serve
very well as a specimen of the rest.

Letter from an Amateur Archbishop to his Maternal Aunt, announcing
his Elevation, and asking Counsel and Advice.

My dear Auntie, The Palace, April 1.

Knowing that only a week since it was finally settled that
I should go into the ironmongery business, I dare say it will to some
extent surprise you to hear that I am now an Archbishop, having
been consecrated, with great pomp, only yesterday afternoon.
I think I may venture to say that the ceremony went oil fairly, and
considering that I am so fresh to the work, I am glad to tell you that
I really get on remarkably well. Beyond holding my pastoral stall
upside down, forgetting my apron, leaving out a collect or two,
putting on my lawn-sleeves inside out, and bestowing an apostolic
benediction on the Verger by mistake for the Sub-dean, there was,
believe me, nothing to distinguish my discharge of my functions
from the bearing of a veritable St. Anselm. By the way, when
you next write, will you just tell me who St. Anselm was? Also
St. Dunstan ? Is not one of them referred to in the Ingoldsby
Legends ? Of course, it isn’t very important, but still I think it
will be as well, now I’m an Archbishop, to be a little up in Church
History ? And that reminds me of a small commission I have for
you. I want you to try and get me a good, nice, showy, second-
hand mitre. I am told there may he some technical difficulty raised
to my wearing it in the Cathedral itself. But this is clearly absurd.
To tell you the truth, my chief reason for entering the Episcopate at
all was a conviction that I should look uncommonly well in a mitre.
So, Auntie dear, do go to Nathan’s, and see what you can do. Re-
member, an Archbishop’s one. And I should think it so kind of you
if you could come round some day next week and have a little eccle-
siastical chat over a cup of tea. I feel I rather want it. The fact
is, I have a heavy confirmation on soon, and I should like to be sure
of my own Catechism first. You see I have taken to the Church at
such a regular rush, that I hardly know where I am. The salary is
first-rate, and I find the gaiters comfortable—still, I should like to
have something to say when I charge my Clergy. You can under-
stand that sort of feeling, can’t you, Auntie dear ? I shouldn’t like
I to have to back out of it now, and take to a crossing. So mind you

come early, and give a helping hand to your alwavs affectionate
nephew and spiritual father, W. J. New Saeum.

It will be seen readily, from a glance at the above, how very useful
a carefully compiled little volume might prove ; for it is to'be pre-
sumed that other Amateurs, like the Amateur Actor, or Arch-
bishop, may sometimes find that they have overrated their powers.
But a sober word in conclusion. Mr. Punch takes off his
hat to Mr. Irving for the highly sensible rebuke he has had the
courage to administer to a very foolish, but, it is to be hoped, an
equally ephemeral fashion. Yet the cultivated Mentor and Manager
himself, makes one mistake. His calling, except in a certain
modified sense, cannot be regarded as a “profession.” A man who has
been called to the Bar,—and is acknowledged, ipso facto, as having
gone through all the drudgery of preparation—becomes, at once, a
Barrister. The same process holds good in Meclicine, the Army and
Navy, and the Church. It is this process of preparation that distin-
guishes a “ profession ” properly so called. For an Amateur to rush
into a prominent position on the Stage is much the same thin g as if
a mere Law Student were to force his way into Court in the outward
trappings of a Queen’s Counsel, brief in hand, having literally taken
Silk, without anybody having offered it to him.

But in dismissing the matter, Mr. Punch would move an Amend-
ment on his friend Mr. Irving’s Motion. He would not scatter the
Amateurs like chaff. On the contrary, he would welcome as many
of them as felt the histrionic call to the stage-door. But he would let
them pass it only with this proviso—that they should go through a
regular apprenticeship. They should have only a word or two—or
perhaps a walk on—and off. But no pupil of three months’ private
study should be permitted to appear in the leading role of any piece.
Professors of their Art like Mr. Ryder or Mr. Neville should not
lend their names to such inartistic attempts, which can do neither
themselves nor their pupils any sott of good. The public ^becoming
weary of these exhibitions of amateur incompetency, and of what
use is it to the neophyte to appear as Juliet or Julia, and then be
engaged, if at all, as a “ walking lady ” or third-rate chambermaid n

Mr. Punch fancies that his Gounsel, as given above, would solve !
and settle the matter once for all, and speedily too. So there is I
Mr. Punch's advice. And now let some enterprising Manager try it. 1

“ SUPPLY.”

Two hundred dozen of Pommery, the World informed us last
week, is ordered for the National Liberal Club at the Aquarium,
which, the Conservatives would naturally remark, sounds like rather
a fishy place for a banquet. It is sincerely hoped by aU lovers of
Pommery, whether Liberal or Conservative, that this large order
will not exhaust the present stock. We should, be deeply grieved if
Pommery ran dry,—though, in another sense, provided that it only
keeps on “ running,” it may run as “ dry ” as it likes. There will
be two thousand convives present, so that this gives one bottle and
one-fifth to each person. If the ~Waiters are all selected from the
Blue Ribbonmen, and if a fair proportion of the company is tee-
totaliy inclined, the liberal drinkers may get a couple of bottles
a-piece. After dinner the Banquettists will feel in just the proper
humour to “ inshpeck what’ver’s to b’ sheen at Quar’um.”