DOI issue:
February 10, 1883
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17754#0080
72
PUNCH, OK, THE LONDON CHAKIVAKI.
[February 10, 1883.
JUSTICE OUT IN THE COLD.
(Or, what may be expected before Easter.)
Scene—Interior of one of the Royal Courts just opened, during the
trial of a Civil Action. General Chorus of sneezing and cough-
ing. Sounds of hammering, and occasional alarms, alarums
and excursions, to which the Bench and Bar pay no attention,
having become acclimatised to their occurrence.
The Judge (speaking through a storm-trumpet, and interrupting a
cross-examination). Before we proceed with the further hearing of
this matter, I must really restore the circulation to my feet by a little
more exercise. [iHses, and walks rapidly up and down the bench.
Mr. Wigblock, Q.C. (also through a storm-trumpet). If I might
make a suggestion, my Lord, I would suggest that your Lordship
would get considerable relief by adopting the course pursued by my
learned friends and myself. We are standing in foot-baths tilled
with hot water.
The Judge (doubtfully). Have you any authority for that ?
Mr. Wigblock, Q.C. (handing up report). Yes, my Lord, the
Master of the Rolls, in a recent case, permitted a Counsel to appear
before him with his feet encased in a brief-bag.
The Judge. Well, then, I think t may go so far myself as to rest
my legs on a hot-bottle.
Mr. Wigblock, Q. C. As your Lordship pleases.
Foreman of the Jury (shouting in chorus). The Jury wish to say,
my Lord, that they have been much more comfortable since they
have been supplied with a stock of warming-pans.
_ The Judge (bowing). I am very glad to hear it. (After consulta-
tion with sundry Officials.) I may take this opportunity of men-
tioning that I find the hot-bottle extremely valuable, and that I
have no doubt I shall be able to sit to-morrow continuously, as my
chairs and tables are to be fitted with gas-stoves.
Mr. Wigblock, Q. C. With your Lordship’s permission, I will now
continue the cross-examination of the witness in the box. (Turning
to his Junior.) Kindly hold my respirator.
The Judge. I don’t want to interfere with your mode of conduct-
ing this case, Mr. Wigblock, but I notice that you have taken off
the woollen comforter you have been wearing since the commence-
ment of the proceedings. How I would put it to you—is this wise ?
Mr. Wigblock, Q. C. I would submit to your Lordship that my
woollen comforter rather detracts from the dignity of my appear-
ance, and, as I feel the necessity of impressing this Witness with
the majesty of the Law, I have thought it advisable to discard it. I
may add that I have not ventured to pursue this course until after
consultation with my learned friends associated with me in this case.
The Judge. Just so. But I may remind you, as I have no wish to
take you by surprise, that you have already confessed to a foot-bath.
Mr. Wigblock, Q. C. Which is out of sight, my Lord.
The Judge. Ho doubt,—no doubt. But any reasonable person will
form his own deduction when he sees the Solicitor by whom you are
instructed, continually handing you over cans of hot water.
Mr. Wigblock, Q.C. Certainly, my Lord, although there is no
direct evidence of what becomes of the cans, or, indeed, the hot water.
The Judge. Except your own admission. Well, I say no more.
My only wish is to assist. I have no desire to dictate to Counsel.
But I presume no objection will be raised to my wearing my cap. I
admit that it is customary only to assume it when passing a sentence
of death, but the draughts up here are so unbearable that a head-
covering of some sort is most comforting—nay, absolutely necessary.
Mr. Wigblock, Q. C. As your Lordship observes, it is not a usual
course.
The Judge. But as you say that the Witness requires impressing
with the majesty of the Law, it has occurred to me that my black
cap may possibly help you in creating the desired impression. I
merely throw out the suggestion.
Mr. Wigblock, Q. C. I have no wish to raise a point on a side
issue, and, consequently, I bow to your Lordship’s wishes. (Turning
to Witness-Box.) And now, Sir, attend to me. During our conver-
sation you have had plenty of time to collect your thoughts. How
then, Sir, on your oath, did you or did you not poke the fire in the
Plaintiff’s presence on the occasion to which I have just referred?
How, Sir,—yes or no. (A pause.) Yes or no, Sir ? (A pause.) Out
with it! We must have your answer. How then, Sir, your answer !
Usher (after a long pause). Please, Sir, the Witness can’t answer.
He’s frozen to death !
The Judge. Indeed ! (Briskly.) Gentlemen of the Jury, having,
I regret to say, had many cases of this kind, we have decided upon a
mode of procedure. The Court will stand adjourned until after the
inquest! [ Curtain.
HYGIEA YICTRIX.
“ It not unfrequently turns out that if the dwelling on which the learning
and skill of the Sanitarian have been expended had been left to Nature,
or to the primitive appliances which were almost on a level with it, the
inmates could not have been worse situated.’ '—Standard.
I’ve built a house, and, at a glance,
You see it’s not an ancient plan,
For it has all that can enhance
The comfort of the modern man.
I’ve dozens of electric lights,—
A comfort in this murky wea-
ther,—
And yet they give me awful
frights
By going out, and all together.
The Sanitary Engineer
Comes in to see me thrice a
week;
I stand in most exceeding fear
Of any words that he may
speak;
I know they mean more open
drains,
And tons of pipes before us
carted;
And still, in spite of these my
pains.
Bad odours have not all de-
parted.
I have a wondrous kitchen-range,
Whereon with scorn my serv-
ants look,—
A patent, — but I soon must
change;
’Tis patent that it will not cook.
A network of strange pipes is
spread
Around me — most expensive
toys:
I scarcely sleep when I’m in
bed,
My ventilators make such noise.
We’re warmed by every sort of
stove
That scientific men admire,
And yet I often think, by Jove !
I’d rather have a cheerful
fire.
I try each Richardsonian craze,
And Sanitarian’s idea,
And feel I’m shortening my
days
In this wild worship of Hygiea.
NOTE FROM CANNES.
Delight of French Blanchisseuses when washing the
G. 0. M.’s Collars.
PUNCH, OK, THE LONDON CHAKIVAKI.
[February 10, 1883.
JUSTICE OUT IN THE COLD.
(Or, what may be expected before Easter.)
Scene—Interior of one of the Royal Courts just opened, during the
trial of a Civil Action. General Chorus of sneezing and cough-
ing. Sounds of hammering, and occasional alarms, alarums
and excursions, to which the Bench and Bar pay no attention,
having become acclimatised to their occurrence.
The Judge (speaking through a storm-trumpet, and interrupting a
cross-examination). Before we proceed with the further hearing of
this matter, I must really restore the circulation to my feet by a little
more exercise. [iHses, and walks rapidly up and down the bench.
Mr. Wigblock, Q.C. (also through a storm-trumpet). If I might
make a suggestion, my Lord, I would suggest that your Lordship
would get considerable relief by adopting the course pursued by my
learned friends and myself. We are standing in foot-baths tilled
with hot water.
The Judge (doubtfully). Have you any authority for that ?
Mr. Wigblock, Q.C. (handing up report). Yes, my Lord, the
Master of the Rolls, in a recent case, permitted a Counsel to appear
before him with his feet encased in a brief-bag.
The Judge. Well, then, I think t may go so far myself as to rest
my legs on a hot-bottle.
Mr. Wigblock, Q. C. As your Lordship pleases.
Foreman of the Jury (shouting in chorus). The Jury wish to say,
my Lord, that they have been much more comfortable since they
have been supplied with a stock of warming-pans.
_ The Judge (bowing). I am very glad to hear it. (After consulta-
tion with sundry Officials.) I may take this opportunity of men-
tioning that I find the hot-bottle extremely valuable, and that I
have no doubt I shall be able to sit to-morrow continuously, as my
chairs and tables are to be fitted with gas-stoves.
Mr. Wigblock, Q. C. With your Lordship’s permission, I will now
continue the cross-examination of the witness in the box. (Turning
to his Junior.) Kindly hold my respirator.
The Judge. I don’t want to interfere with your mode of conduct-
ing this case, Mr. Wigblock, but I notice that you have taken off
the woollen comforter you have been wearing since the commence-
ment of the proceedings. How I would put it to you—is this wise ?
Mr. Wigblock, Q. C. I would submit to your Lordship that my
woollen comforter rather detracts from the dignity of my appear-
ance, and, as I feel the necessity of impressing this Witness with
the majesty of the Law, I have thought it advisable to discard it. I
may add that I have not ventured to pursue this course until after
consultation with my learned friends associated with me in this case.
The Judge. Just so. But I may remind you, as I have no wish to
take you by surprise, that you have already confessed to a foot-bath.
Mr. Wigblock, Q. C. Which is out of sight, my Lord.
The Judge. Ho doubt,—no doubt. But any reasonable person will
form his own deduction when he sees the Solicitor by whom you are
instructed, continually handing you over cans of hot water.
Mr. Wigblock, Q.C. Certainly, my Lord, although there is no
direct evidence of what becomes of the cans, or, indeed, the hot water.
The Judge. Except your own admission. Well, I say no more.
My only wish is to assist. I have no desire to dictate to Counsel.
But I presume no objection will be raised to my wearing my cap. I
admit that it is customary only to assume it when passing a sentence
of death, but the draughts up here are so unbearable that a head-
covering of some sort is most comforting—nay, absolutely necessary.
Mr. Wigblock, Q. C. As your Lordship observes, it is not a usual
course.
The Judge. But as you say that the Witness requires impressing
with the majesty of the Law, it has occurred to me that my black
cap may possibly help you in creating the desired impression. I
merely throw out the suggestion.
Mr. Wigblock, Q. C. I have no wish to raise a point on a side
issue, and, consequently, I bow to your Lordship’s wishes. (Turning
to Witness-Box.) And now, Sir, attend to me. During our conver-
sation you have had plenty of time to collect your thoughts. How
then, Sir, on your oath, did you or did you not poke the fire in the
Plaintiff’s presence on the occasion to which I have just referred?
How, Sir,—yes or no. (A pause.) Yes or no, Sir ? (A pause.) Out
with it! We must have your answer. How then, Sir, your answer !
Usher (after a long pause). Please, Sir, the Witness can’t answer.
He’s frozen to death !
The Judge. Indeed ! (Briskly.) Gentlemen of the Jury, having,
I regret to say, had many cases of this kind, we have decided upon a
mode of procedure. The Court will stand adjourned until after the
inquest! [ Curtain.
HYGIEA YICTRIX.
“ It not unfrequently turns out that if the dwelling on which the learning
and skill of the Sanitarian have been expended had been left to Nature,
or to the primitive appliances which were almost on a level with it, the
inmates could not have been worse situated.’ '—Standard.
I’ve built a house, and, at a glance,
You see it’s not an ancient plan,
For it has all that can enhance
The comfort of the modern man.
I’ve dozens of electric lights,—
A comfort in this murky wea-
ther,—
And yet they give me awful
frights
By going out, and all together.
The Sanitary Engineer
Comes in to see me thrice a
week;
I stand in most exceeding fear
Of any words that he may
speak;
I know they mean more open
drains,
And tons of pipes before us
carted;
And still, in spite of these my
pains.
Bad odours have not all de-
parted.
I have a wondrous kitchen-range,
Whereon with scorn my serv-
ants look,—
A patent, — but I soon must
change;
’Tis patent that it will not cook.
A network of strange pipes is
spread
Around me — most expensive
toys:
I scarcely sleep when I’m in
bed,
My ventilators make such noise.
We’re warmed by every sort of
stove
That scientific men admire,
And yet I often think, by Jove !
I’d rather have a cheerful
fire.
I try each Richardsonian craze,
And Sanitarian’s idea,
And feel I’m shortening my
days
In this wild worship of Hygiea.
NOTE FROM CANNES.
Delight of French Blanchisseuses when washing the
G. 0. M.’s Collars.