DOI Heft:
April 14, 1883
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17754#0180
Apbil 14, 1883.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
173
was a hopeless idiot in the case. Proposal on foot to engage Lyon
Playfair for the Session, one lecture a week. Find him with black-
board and chalk, and, if necessary, white cloth and magic lantern.
Business done.—Discussed Married Fellows and Vivisected Dogs.
Thursday.—Mr. Chillers introduced Budget to-night. Very
good speech and very good Budget. Speech particularly artful.
Conservatives been preparing all week to come out to-morrow as
champions of Economy in National Expenditure. R,eady to show,
with tears in eyes, how recklessly present Government been going
on. Meant to make it clear to tax-payer that, if he wanted to save
remnant of pocket-money, must get back Conservatives with or
without a Leader. To-night, Chillers, with most innocent ex-
pression, mentioned, a propos des bottes, a few figures showing how
things stood during six years of Conservative Administration, and
how in three years of Liberal. Conservatives shocked, Sir Stafford
Northcote quite pained. Lord George Hamilton furious. Sir
Richarl Cross indignant.
“ So rude of Chillers,” says Grand Cross, “going mentioning
these things in a Budget Speech. Especially just now, when we had
all got our speeches ready for to-morrow night. Would never have
thought it of Chillers.”
Mr. Glalston e had very pleasant evening. Luxuriously listened
to Budget Statement, w'ent off leisurely to dinner, returned at
eleven o’clock in evening dress, with a rose in his coat.
“ Haw ! Anything going on, Toby ? ” he said, slightly yawning.
“Oh, of course, Budget Night. I remember; Chillers made!
speech; riled other side. Must he awful bore, don’t you know, to
i have to make Budget Speech, and then to listen to other fellows ;
! getting no dinner. Had very pleasant evening myself. Sorry for
j Chillers.”
And the Gay Old Man, with a toothpick projecting from his
eloquent lips, strolled away.
Business done.—Budget introduced.
Friday.—Great day this for Peter. Government have accepted
his Amendment on Reduction of Expenditure. P. positively pervades
the place. Linking arms with everyone. Two at a time preferred, as
that makes the corridors more impassable. Got hold of me just now.
“ All very well for you fellows to laugh at me, Toby,” he shouted
in my ear. “But I’ve beaten the strongest, Ministry of modern
times. Forced Gladstone to his "knees. United both parties under
my banner. Nunc dirnittis, Toby, nunc dimittis."
“Why, cert’nly,” I said. Peter means well, but he’s a little
boisterous for constant companionship.
Business done. — Decided to be more economical.
A BROKEN REID.
[A possible Episode from the Life of a Practical Philanthropist.)
The red-coated sportsmen were eager for the kunt. The hounds
could scarcely restrain their impatience, and the horses were restive
from inaction. It was a lovely morning—just the very day for a
grand run.
The Master, the Huntsman, and the Whipper-in were ready to
start, when the report of a gun was heard. Then there was a rust-
ling of branches, and Mr. Reid, M.P., appeared. Mounting on a
tub, he called the equestrians around him.
“Ladies and Gentlemen,” he said, “you know I am an Anti-
Vivisectionist. You know I object to cruelty to dogs and other
dumb animals.”
“ We know you are very feeble about your facts,” replied the
Master ’ " ^
Reid
sympathy with sport.
Here some of the Members of the Hunt audibly suggested that,
although Mr. Reid’s words were of an excitingly interesting cha-
racter, they might yet be kept for some future occasion.
“ I see that you are growing impatient,” continued the good man ;
“ and I am not surprised. Although no sportsman myself, I can
quite understand the keen pleasure —the intense satisfaction—of a
glorious burst over a ploughed field, or a leisurely saunter through a
bullfinch.”
j “ Yes, yes! ” said the Master, impatiently; “ but the fox is await-
j ing us. So we must say good-bye ! ”
“ You can surely stay a few minutes longer,” continued Mr. R-eid,
M.P. “The other evening, in the House of Commons, I insisted
that your one idea was to kill a noxious animal.”
“ Yes, yes!”
“ That you did it as quickly as you could. That the first who
came upon the creature had the right to despatch him.”
“ Certainly, certainly! ”
“ And that being the case, as I was walking along the road I hap-
pened to come across Mr. R-eynard, and-”
“ Which way did he go Y
The field were wild with excitement.
“ Where was he ? ”
“Knowing that you wished to kill him expeditiously, I did my
best to accommodate you. I was perfectly successful. 1 closed my
eyes, pulled the trigger, and shot the fox as dead as a door-nail! ”
There was a shout of anger, a cry of hate, and—a Murder !
THAT THREE HA'PENCE!
By a non-political Tax-payer.
Hooray ! Let rival Chancellors war,
Childers and Northcote snap and spar ;
One thing I mark—it brings me pax,
Three ha'pence off the Income-tax !
What matters whether old or new
The hand that doth relax the screw ?
At least the screw it doth relax,
Three ha'pence off the Income-tax !
A Surplus ! True, ’tis rather small,
But better that than none at all.
And there’s one burden leaves our backs,
Three ha'pence off the Income-tax
Egyptian War! Its cost is paid,
And there’s a little left in Trade ;
The Revenue doth slowly wax.
Three ha'pence off the Income-tax !
A Business Budget! full of sense
Though void of the sweet eloquence
Of him, the wielder of the axe,
Three ha'pence off the Income-tax !
A Temperance Budget ? Yes, from Drink
The Revenue may shrink and shrink,
Yet in remission all go snacks;
Three ha'pence off the Income-tax !
Ah ! that three ha’pence in the pound
Covers a lot of faults all round.
They take, though called financial quacks,
Three ha'pence off our Income-tax !
Financial fight my mind bewilders,
But here’s a health to Mr. Childers !
Announcing, spite of party snacks,
Three ha'pence off the Income-tax !
COLLOQUY ON ARMY ECONOMY.
Saeecarl and Screw.
Safecard. More work for the British Officer—Lord Wolseley’s
work. {Reads from a paper.) “ Each company in a battalion is to
be struck off all ordinary duties for about six months in the year,
and in its turn, in order that it may be passed through a complete
course of drill and instruction under its own officers, instead of being
exercised and taught by specialists such as musketry instructors.”
Screw. Delightful task for the British Officer—“to teach the
young idea how to shoot.” Give them more work.
Safecard. More work, but no more pay. Expenses of living
increasing too, and allowance stationary—for your Subaltern at
five-shillings-and-six-pence a day.
Screw. Quite right. Competition for Commissions continuing all
the same, and supply exceeding demand. Wages of military labour
regulated by the rate of the labour market.
Safecard. All very well; but the employments go to those who can
afford to take them. The purse gains the day. Money still makes
the (military) man.
Screw. What then ?
Safecard. What was the use of abolishing Purchase in the Army ?
New Version of the Old Adage.
{By One who had his Throat cut by the East Wind at Easter.)
When Easter falls in My Lady’s lap,
Then Easter deserves a good sound slap!
Party Emblems.—If Conservatives keep up the custom of wear-
ing Primroses in honour of Lord Beaconsfibld, Liberals will have
to display button-holes of “Sweet William.”
Yol. 84.
6—2
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
173
was a hopeless idiot in the case. Proposal on foot to engage Lyon
Playfair for the Session, one lecture a week. Find him with black-
board and chalk, and, if necessary, white cloth and magic lantern.
Business done.—Discussed Married Fellows and Vivisected Dogs.
Thursday.—Mr. Chillers introduced Budget to-night. Very
good speech and very good Budget. Speech particularly artful.
Conservatives been preparing all week to come out to-morrow as
champions of Economy in National Expenditure. R,eady to show,
with tears in eyes, how recklessly present Government been going
on. Meant to make it clear to tax-payer that, if he wanted to save
remnant of pocket-money, must get back Conservatives with or
without a Leader. To-night, Chillers, with most innocent ex-
pression, mentioned, a propos des bottes, a few figures showing how
things stood during six years of Conservative Administration, and
how in three years of Liberal. Conservatives shocked, Sir Stafford
Northcote quite pained. Lord George Hamilton furious. Sir
Richarl Cross indignant.
“ So rude of Chillers,” says Grand Cross, “going mentioning
these things in a Budget Speech. Especially just now, when we had
all got our speeches ready for to-morrow night. Would never have
thought it of Chillers.”
Mr. Glalston e had very pleasant evening. Luxuriously listened
to Budget Statement, w'ent off leisurely to dinner, returned at
eleven o’clock in evening dress, with a rose in his coat.
“ Haw ! Anything going on, Toby ? ” he said, slightly yawning.
“Oh, of course, Budget Night. I remember; Chillers made!
speech; riled other side. Must he awful bore, don’t you know, to
i have to make Budget Speech, and then to listen to other fellows ;
! getting no dinner. Had very pleasant evening myself. Sorry for
j Chillers.”
And the Gay Old Man, with a toothpick projecting from his
eloquent lips, strolled away.
Business done.—Budget introduced.
Friday.—Great day this for Peter. Government have accepted
his Amendment on Reduction of Expenditure. P. positively pervades
the place. Linking arms with everyone. Two at a time preferred, as
that makes the corridors more impassable. Got hold of me just now.
“ All very well for you fellows to laugh at me, Toby,” he shouted
in my ear. “But I’ve beaten the strongest, Ministry of modern
times. Forced Gladstone to his "knees. United both parties under
my banner. Nunc dirnittis, Toby, nunc dimittis."
“Why, cert’nly,” I said. Peter means well, but he’s a little
boisterous for constant companionship.
Business done. — Decided to be more economical.
A BROKEN REID.
[A possible Episode from the Life of a Practical Philanthropist.)
The red-coated sportsmen were eager for the kunt. The hounds
could scarcely restrain their impatience, and the horses were restive
from inaction. It was a lovely morning—just the very day for a
grand run.
The Master, the Huntsman, and the Whipper-in were ready to
start, when the report of a gun was heard. Then there was a rust-
ling of branches, and Mr. Reid, M.P., appeared. Mounting on a
tub, he called the equestrians around him.
“Ladies and Gentlemen,” he said, “you know I am an Anti-
Vivisectionist. You know I object to cruelty to dogs and other
dumb animals.”
“ We know you are very feeble about your facts,” replied the
Master ’ " ^
Reid
sympathy with sport.
Here some of the Members of the Hunt audibly suggested that,
although Mr. Reid’s words were of an excitingly interesting cha-
racter, they might yet be kept for some future occasion.
“ I see that you are growing impatient,” continued the good man ;
“ and I am not surprised. Although no sportsman myself, I can
quite understand the keen pleasure —the intense satisfaction—of a
glorious burst over a ploughed field, or a leisurely saunter through a
bullfinch.”
j “ Yes, yes! ” said the Master, impatiently; “ but the fox is await-
j ing us. So we must say good-bye ! ”
“ You can surely stay a few minutes longer,” continued Mr. R-eid,
M.P. “The other evening, in the House of Commons, I insisted
that your one idea was to kill a noxious animal.”
“ Yes, yes!”
“ That you did it as quickly as you could. That the first who
came upon the creature had the right to despatch him.”
“ Certainly, certainly! ”
“ And that being the case, as I was walking along the road I hap-
pened to come across Mr. R-eynard, and-”
“ Which way did he go Y
The field were wild with excitement.
“ Where was he ? ”
“Knowing that you wished to kill him expeditiously, I did my
best to accommodate you. I was perfectly successful. 1 closed my
eyes, pulled the trigger, and shot the fox as dead as a door-nail! ”
There was a shout of anger, a cry of hate, and—a Murder !
THAT THREE HA'PENCE!
By a non-political Tax-payer.
Hooray ! Let rival Chancellors war,
Childers and Northcote snap and spar ;
One thing I mark—it brings me pax,
Three ha'pence off the Income-tax !
What matters whether old or new
The hand that doth relax the screw ?
At least the screw it doth relax,
Three ha'pence off the Income-tax !
A Surplus ! True, ’tis rather small,
But better that than none at all.
And there’s one burden leaves our backs,
Three ha'pence off the Income-tax
Egyptian War! Its cost is paid,
And there’s a little left in Trade ;
The Revenue doth slowly wax.
Three ha'pence off the Income-tax !
A Business Budget! full of sense
Though void of the sweet eloquence
Of him, the wielder of the axe,
Three ha'pence off the Income-tax !
A Temperance Budget ? Yes, from Drink
The Revenue may shrink and shrink,
Yet in remission all go snacks;
Three ha'pence off the Income-tax !
Ah ! that three ha’pence in the pound
Covers a lot of faults all round.
They take, though called financial quacks,
Three ha'pence off our Income-tax !
Financial fight my mind bewilders,
But here’s a health to Mr. Childers !
Announcing, spite of party snacks,
Three ha'pence off the Income-tax !
COLLOQUY ON ARMY ECONOMY.
Saeecarl and Screw.
Safecard. More work for the British Officer—Lord Wolseley’s
work. {Reads from a paper.) “ Each company in a battalion is to
be struck off all ordinary duties for about six months in the year,
and in its turn, in order that it may be passed through a complete
course of drill and instruction under its own officers, instead of being
exercised and taught by specialists such as musketry instructors.”
Screw. Delightful task for the British Officer—“to teach the
young idea how to shoot.” Give them more work.
Safecard. More work, but no more pay. Expenses of living
increasing too, and allowance stationary—for your Subaltern at
five-shillings-and-six-pence a day.
Screw. Quite right. Competition for Commissions continuing all
the same, and supply exceeding demand. Wages of military labour
regulated by the rate of the labour market.
Safecard. All very well; but the employments go to those who can
afford to take them. The purse gains the day. Money still makes
the (military) man.
Screw. What then ?
Safecard. What was the use of abolishing Purchase in the Army ?
New Version of the Old Adage.
{By One who had his Throat cut by the East Wind at Easter.)
When Easter falls in My Lady’s lap,
Then Easter deserves a good sound slap!
Party Emblems.—If Conservatives keep up the custom of wear-
ing Primroses in honour of Lord Beaconsfibld, Liberals will have
to display button-holes of “Sweet William.”
Yol. 84.
6—2