DOI issue:
June 2, 1883
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17754#0267
June 2, 1883.]_PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
261
o
TT
*
n
v v v *
Design for new Wall Decorative Paper, to be called the
“ Papier Masher.”
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM
THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, May 21.—Business resumed to-day-
after Whitsun recess. Many of our young men, including our Grand
Old One, absent.
Telegram from Randolph, dated “ Clonnabally, Co. Antrim,
Monday. Sha’n’t be in House till Thursday. Here making inqui-
ries into case mentioned by Joseph Gillis as to Adjutant who drew
forage allowance for imaginary horse. Most important. Joseph
not accurate in details, but quite enough to damage Government.
Fancy we shall turn them out this time. Could have been back
to-day, but since Gladstone stays till Thursday, think Gorst will
be able to manage, and keep in order StaffY and H. W. Smith—or
is it ‘ W. H.’ ? ” Indefatigable young man, Randolph. Always
at his country’s call.
Spent drowsy evening on Civil Service Estimates. Gorst did his
best to make up for Randolph ; but a little heavy and monotonous.
His tactics consist chiefly of going out for an hour or so, coming
back, noting who is absent from Treasury Bench, then, when culprit
returns, dropping down upon him; or if he prolongs absence, gets up
and wants to know how votes for furniture in Law Courts are to be
taken in absence of Secretary of State for War, or why the President
of the Board of Trade should be absent at a time when Committee
are asked to vote salary for the Charwoman at the Admiralty ?
Little of this goes a long way, and we had a good deal of it a fort-
night back when Gorst protested against discussing the Transvaal
affairs in absence of Attorney-General for Ireland.
“ Worst of man with a flux of speech and dearth of ideas is that
when he gets hold of what he thinks is a point he bores people to
death with it.” So Harcourt says, and don’t know anyone of more
judicial mind.
Joseph Gillis in great form. Doubts very much whether the
Patents Bill will get through this Session, and is highly sarcastic on
frescoes.
“ When I was in Parry," he says, unflinchingly facing recollections
that some might think painful, “I took my dejernay occasionally
ally f resky in the Boy. But there you got something to eat and
drink. These here freskies for a wall I don’t hold with, and if Sir
Frederick Leighton wants to do ’em, let him do ’em at his own
expense.” Business done.—Voted Supply.
Tuesday.—House in pretty cheerful mood to-night. Arranged for
Count Out before dinner, and whole holiday for to-morrow. Gloom
of Sir Herbert Maxwell, Bart, in strong contrast to general
hilarity.
“ Toby,” said the unfortunate Nobleman, whom I found languish-
ing in arm-chair in Library, “ what makes me unhappy is that now,
as I sit here, I recall quite easily all the good things 1 was going to
say in moving the Adjournment. Chaplin would have been nowhere.
Lowther would have been lost, and Dick Power not in it. Meant
to show them that if a Scotchman can’t readily take in joke, he can
turn ’em out without apparent effort. But got into such a terrible
funk when found myself on my legs. All the jokes got mixed up.
Afraid that would happen when took Arthur Balfour’s advice.
Left my own place, and spoke from Randolph’s. ‘ Elijah’s mantle,
you know,’ Balfour said. ‘ You stand there, and you won’t feei
bashful.’ But think strange place even made me worse. Had
uncomfortable sense that House could see my boots. Nothing matter
with them, doncha know, but when I speak from usual place, have
a bench before me. Hides a bit of you, and you can lean on back if
you feel ill. Speaking from Randolph’s seat, one is in full view of
House. Makes fellow feel queer. Wish I’d had nothing to do with
it. Must get a Welshman next time.”
“Yes,” I say, touched by unhappy Nobleman’s despair; “we’ll
get Morgan Lloyd next year, then your failure will be forgotten.”
On the whole, not a very lively business. Oddest men appeared
in what was expected to be funniment. “ Like tragedy-men
coming forward when the call-boy summons the comedians,” said
Mr. Labouchere, who knows something about theatres. When
Sir Edward Colebrook rose, House positively gasped, then con-
tumeliously roared. The storm grew higher when red face and
round body of James Howard discovered below the Gangway.
“ Highly irregular this,” said Stuart-Wortley. “It’s like the
sun rising in the middle of the night.”
Howard not at all unlike comic pictures of the sun, as he stands
below the Gangway with full broad face shining on uproarious
crowd. Apparently nothing particular to say, and after struggling
with clouds of displeasure, finally suffered eclipse, and solar system
resumes ordinary conditions. Business done.—House decided by 185
votes against 85 to go to the Derby.
Thursday— Great eruption of white hats and light clothing to-day.
Mr. Monk a little out of it. For many Sessions, so Mr. Dillwyn
tells me, he used to be the harbinger of summer. Possessed suit of
clothes of dusty miller order with white hat to match. One day
whilst House was engaged on Questions or Notices, Monk would
enter arrayed in these garments. Then House knew summer was at
hand, and Members going home hunted up their white hats and light
clothing. “ Just like Gentlemen who live in the country write to the
Times when they see first swallow or hear the cuckoo, so,” Dillwyn
says, “ we knew when summer was at hand by seeing Monk come in
as though he had passed through a flour-mill on the way.”
To-day summer burst upon us without re-appearance of swallow
or warning note of cuckoo. Troubled with approaching disfran-
chisement of Gloucester, or from some other cause—“Perhaps,”
Mr. Barran says, “the suit’s worn out. Can’t have come from
first-class firm ”•—Monk manque, and here we are in midsummer.
“ lkss, Toby, dear boy,” says Randolph, “and the dog-days are
at hand when some people are muzzled.”
One or two men laugh, sure I don’t know what at.
Warlike night in Committee of Supply. Militia out, and the
Yeomanry Cavalry paraded. Earl Percy on the war-path. Imposing
appearance.
“Must admit,” says Mr. Labouchere, “that blood tells. ‘The
Perse owt of Northumbarlande ’ is the same in the Victorian age as
in the time of Henry the Sixth. Never see Percy without think-
ing of Chevy Chase.”
And he certainly looked warlike as he squared his shoulders, set
his feet firmly on the floor, waved his muscular arm, and in those
deep, stentorian tones so familiar on the parade-ground of the
Alnwick Artillery Volunteers, instructed Lord Hartington on his
duties in relation to the Militia.
“Yes. I’ve got my eye on Percy,” Randolph said, when I
described the thrill his martial bearing and tones always send through
me. “ When I come in, can’t do better than put him in at the War
Office. With Gorst Lord Chancellor, Wolff Minister for Foreign
Affairs, and Balfour Secretary of State for India, I shall have the
nucleus of a pretty strong Ministry.”
Business done.—Four votes on Army Estimates agreed to.
Friday Night.—Another Count Out. Professor Bryce delivered
interesting lecture on Armenia ; chiefly useful as giving Ashmead
Bartlett opportunity for getting rid of remnant of one of old
speeches on Central Asia. Then Dr. Lyons proposed to set forth
scheme for regeneration of Ireland “ by utilising her abundant but
dormant natural resources.” Keen eye of Joey B. saw through it
in instant. “If Ireland,” says he, “begins to depend upon her-
self, and to work like Scotland and England do, what’s to become
of us?” So Joseph laid in wait, and counted out Dr. Lyons.
Business done.—None.
THAT DREADFUL DOCTOR!
[Ingoldsby applied.)
He warns us in eating, he warns us in drinking,
He warns us in reading and writing and thinking ;
He warns us in football, footrace, eight-oar “ stroking,”
He warns us in dancing and cigarette-smoking ;
He warns us in taking champagne, and c-anoeing ;
He warns us in wearing red socks, and shampooing ;
He warns us—of drains—in our snug country quarters ;
He warns us—of fever—in mineral waters.
He warns us in—everything mortal may mention.
But—what gives rise
To but little surprise—
Nobody pays him the slightest attention!
Exploration of Greenland.—Fine opportunity for Residential
I Flats.
261
o
TT
*
n
v v v *
Design for new Wall Decorative Paper, to be called the
“ Papier Masher.”
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM
THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, May 21.—Business resumed to-day-
after Whitsun recess. Many of our young men, including our Grand
Old One, absent.
Telegram from Randolph, dated “ Clonnabally, Co. Antrim,
Monday. Sha’n’t be in House till Thursday. Here making inqui-
ries into case mentioned by Joseph Gillis as to Adjutant who drew
forage allowance for imaginary horse. Most important. Joseph
not accurate in details, but quite enough to damage Government.
Fancy we shall turn them out this time. Could have been back
to-day, but since Gladstone stays till Thursday, think Gorst will
be able to manage, and keep in order StaffY and H. W. Smith—or
is it ‘ W. H.’ ? ” Indefatigable young man, Randolph. Always
at his country’s call.
Spent drowsy evening on Civil Service Estimates. Gorst did his
best to make up for Randolph ; but a little heavy and monotonous.
His tactics consist chiefly of going out for an hour or so, coming
back, noting who is absent from Treasury Bench, then, when culprit
returns, dropping down upon him; or if he prolongs absence, gets up
and wants to know how votes for furniture in Law Courts are to be
taken in absence of Secretary of State for War, or why the President
of the Board of Trade should be absent at a time when Committee
are asked to vote salary for the Charwoman at the Admiralty ?
Little of this goes a long way, and we had a good deal of it a fort-
night back when Gorst protested against discussing the Transvaal
affairs in absence of Attorney-General for Ireland.
“ Worst of man with a flux of speech and dearth of ideas is that
when he gets hold of what he thinks is a point he bores people to
death with it.” So Harcourt says, and don’t know anyone of more
judicial mind.
Joseph Gillis in great form. Doubts very much whether the
Patents Bill will get through this Session, and is highly sarcastic on
frescoes.
“ When I was in Parry," he says, unflinchingly facing recollections
that some might think painful, “I took my dejernay occasionally
ally f resky in the Boy. But there you got something to eat and
drink. These here freskies for a wall I don’t hold with, and if Sir
Frederick Leighton wants to do ’em, let him do ’em at his own
expense.” Business done.—Voted Supply.
Tuesday.—House in pretty cheerful mood to-night. Arranged for
Count Out before dinner, and whole holiday for to-morrow. Gloom
of Sir Herbert Maxwell, Bart, in strong contrast to general
hilarity.
“ Toby,” said the unfortunate Nobleman, whom I found languish-
ing in arm-chair in Library, “ what makes me unhappy is that now,
as I sit here, I recall quite easily all the good things 1 was going to
say in moving the Adjournment. Chaplin would have been nowhere.
Lowther would have been lost, and Dick Power not in it. Meant
to show them that if a Scotchman can’t readily take in joke, he can
turn ’em out without apparent effort. But got into such a terrible
funk when found myself on my legs. All the jokes got mixed up.
Afraid that would happen when took Arthur Balfour’s advice.
Left my own place, and spoke from Randolph’s. ‘ Elijah’s mantle,
you know,’ Balfour said. ‘ You stand there, and you won’t feei
bashful.’ But think strange place even made me worse. Had
uncomfortable sense that House could see my boots. Nothing matter
with them, doncha know, but when I speak from usual place, have
a bench before me. Hides a bit of you, and you can lean on back if
you feel ill. Speaking from Randolph’s seat, one is in full view of
House. Makes fellow feel queer. Wish I’d had nothing to do with
it. Must get a Welshman next time.”
“Yes,” I say, touched by unhappy Nobleman’s despair; “we’ll
get Morgan Lloyd next year, then your failure will be forgotten.”
On the whole, not a very lively business. Oddest men appeared
in what was expected to be funniment. “ Like tragedy-men
coming forward when the call-boy summons the comedians,” said
Mr. Labouchere, who knows something about theatres. When
Sir Edward Colebrook rose, House positively gasped, then con-
tumeliously roared. The storm grew higher when red face and
round body of James Howard discovered below the Gangway.
“ Highly irregular this,” said Stuart-Wortley. “It’s like the
sun rising in the middle of the night.”
Howard not at all unlike comic pictures of the sun, as he stands
below the Gangway with full broad face shining on uproarious
crowd. Apparently nothing particular to say, and after struggling
with clouds of displeasure, finally suffered eclipse, and solar system
resumes ordinary conditions. Business done.—House decided by 185
votes against 85 to go to the Derby.
Thursday— Great eruption of white hats and light clothing to-day.
Mr. Monk a little out of it. For many Sessions, so Mr. Dillwyn
tells me, he used to be the harbinger of summer. Possessed suit of
clothes of dusty miller order with white hat to match. One day
whilst House was engaged on Questions or Notices, Monk would
enter arrayed in these garments. Then House knew summer was at
hand, and Members going home hunted up their white hats and light
clothing. “ Just like Gentlemen who live in the country write to the
Times when they see first swallow or hear the cuckoo, so,” Dillwyn
says, “ we knew when summer was at hand by seeing Monk come in
as though he had passed through a flour-mill on the way.”
To-day summer burst upon us without re-appearance of swallow
or warning note of cuckoo. Troubled with approaching disfran-
chisement of Gloucester, or from some other cause—“Perhaps,”
Mr. Barran says, “the suit’s worn out. Can’t have come from
first-class firm ”•—Monk manque, and here we are in midsummer.
“ lkss, Toby, dear boy,” says Randolph, “and the dog-days are
at hand when some people are muzzled.”
One or two men laugh, sure I don’t know what at.
Warlike night in Committee of Supply. Militia out, and the
Yeomanry Cavalry paraded. Earl Percy on the war-path. Imposing
appearance.
“Must admit,” says Mr. Labouchere, “that blood tells. ‘The
Perse owt of Northumbarlande ’ is the same in the Victorian age as
in the time of Henry the Sixth. Never see Percy without think-
ing of Chevy Chase.”
And he certainly looked warlike as he squared his shoulders, set
his feet firmly on the floor, waved his muscular arm, and in those
deep, stentorian tones so familiar on the parade-ground of the
Alnwick Artillery Volunteers, instructed Lord Hartington on his
duties in relation to the Militia.
“Yes. I’ve got my eye on Percy,” Randolph said, when I
described the thrill his martial bearing and tones always send through
me. “ When I come in, can’t do better than put him in at the War
Office. With Gorst Lord Chancellor, Wolff Minister for Foreign
Affairs, and Balfour Secretary of State for India, I shall have the
nucleus of a pretty strong Ministry.”
Business done.—Four votes on Army Estimates agreed to.
Friday Night.—Another Count Out. Professor Bryce delivered
interesting lecture on Armenia ; chiefly useful as giving Ashmead
Bartlett opportunity for getting rid of remnant of one of old
speeches on Central Asia. Then Dr. Lyons proposed to set forth
scheme for regeneration of Ireland “ by utilising her abundant but
dormant natural resources.” Keen eye of Joey B. saw through it
in instant. “If Ireland,” says he, “begins to depend upon her-
self, and to work like Scotland and England do, what’s to become
of us?” So Joseph laid in wait, and counted out Dr. Lyons.
Business done.—None.
THAT DREADFUL DOCTOR!
[Ingoldsby applied.)
He warns us in eating, he warns us in drinking,
He warns us in reading and writing and thinking ;
He warns us in football, footrace, eight-oar “ stroking,”
He warns us in dancing and cigarette-smoking ;
He warns us in taking champagne, and c-anoeing ;
He warns us in wearing red socks, and shampooing ;
He warns us—of drains—in our snug country quarters ;
He warns us—of fever—in mineral waters.
He warns us in—everything mortal may mention.
But—what gives rise
To but little surprise—
Nobody pays him the slightest attention!
Exploration of Greenland.—Fine opportunity for Residential
I Flats.