Punch (85.1883)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

July 28, 1883.]

Salisbury ? All very well to say Isthmus is ‘ the water-way of
nations of the earth.’ Capital phrase. But these thing's spread,
and those confounded Radicals sure to get hold of it. When I go
westward, along Jermyn Street, want to get into Green Park, have
to turn up Arlington Street, and so double Cape of Piccadilly. Would
he nearer to go through Salisbury’s house. Why shouldn’t I ?
No. 20, Arlington Street, is the near cut of the Metropolitan rate-
payer. Question is, why shouldn’t he take it ? ‘ Those-of-that-

opinion - say - Content — Not-Content - Not-Content — Contents-have-
it.’ ” And Lord Redesdale, scowling upon me as if I had challenged
a division, went off.

Lord John Manners back in House of Commons. Been away for
long time.

Laid up with gout,

And couldn’t get out,

1 to quote from poem composed for occasion by Mr. Warton. House
welcomes Lord John with hearty cheer for Fine Old English Gentle-
j man as he is.

Agricultural Holdings Bill going forward. Firm of Barclay,
Borlase, Howard & Co. in opposition. Company very small, but
j despair deep.

“ May as well withdraw the Bill. Worse than useless. We’re all
ruined,” cries Mr. Howard, beaming upon House the very picture of
rosy prosperity.

“ ’Ow-ard it is to think of ’Oward and ’unger,” whispers Mr.
Broad hurst. Barclay groans assent to Howard’s dismal prophecy.
Barclay much better fitted for character of ruined Agriculturist. His
| gloomy conspirator-like air highly effective at present juncture.

Business done.—Clause 1, Agricultural Holdings Bill, agreed to.

Thursday.—“I’m a modest man, Tory”’ said Evelyn Ashley,
just now, “ but if I fancied myself at all it would be tis answering
questions. All very well to talk about Dilice. I caR him dry. No
point about him. Just sets himself to answer* question in briefest
form, giving much or little information according to circumstances.
Harcourt’s better. He takes proper Hew of opportunity of ques-
tion hour. Excellent opening for making joke or snubbing a man,
or trotting out a little sermon. But, if 1 may say so, fancy there ’s
more point about my style. See neatness and completeness of rebuff
! to Premier of Queensland. Just now Colony a little irate on account
| of New Guinea business. Fine opportunity for rubbing sore spot.
So when head of Queensland Government telegraphs opinion on Suez
Canal arrangement, and question put to me in the House, instead of
simply answering, I say, ‘ The Premier of Queensland, with all his
virtues, does not seem to have the virtue of knowing how to wait.’
That’s neatly turned, don’t you think? Make ’em mad out in
Queensland, whilst causes me to shine in Parliament and keeps the
eye of the nation upon me.”

This seems conclusive, but somehow not quite sure whether it’s
first business of Under-Secretary to stir up bad blood in Colonies.
As Sir Charles Forster remarks, “ A smart answer doesn’t always
turn away wrath, whatever the proverb may say.” In fact, I hear
I quite other view of Ashley’s pet answer this afternoon. Heard him
: distantly alluded to as a priggish Under-Secretary”; also refer-
ences made to trouble bred
in Gladstone’s last Min-
istry owing to habit of
youngsmen and old being
too smart at question-
time.

Tim Healy back with
us again. Tim’s genial
habit of going to prison
about once a year, com-
bined with the peculiar
cut of his hair, gives rise
to suggestions as to cause
of his absence. But it’s
all right this time. He’s
only been away fighting
the Monaghan Election,
and now takes his seat in
place of Givan.

‘‘ Another Liberal seat
Givan away,” as Richard
Power says.

Interesting correspond-
ence between Bradlaugh
and Sergeant-at-Arms
Bradlaugh and The Beetle. been passing during last-

few days. SpEAKERhaving

heard of it calls upon the Sergeant to tell the House about it.

“ Unaccustomed as our young friend is to public speaking,” -said
the Speaker, waving his hand in familiar way towards Sergeant, “I
trust the House will accord him its favourable attention.”

No need for apology. Captain Gosset appeared at the Bar amid

rounds of applause from both sides. Having fixed an eye-glass as
he had seen O’Donnell do, brought in two tumblers of' water d la
Ashmead-Bartlett, and made provision for sitting on his hat when
he resumed his seat after the manner of Mr. Newdegate, he said in
loud firm voice,—

“ I have to inform the House that I have received a copy of a writ
of summons in action brought against me by Mr. Bradlaugh, the
Member for Northampton, claiming an injunction.”

“ Fetch it up, old hoss,” said the Speaker, “ and we’ll have the
lot read at the Table.”

. Sergeant-at-Arms brought up papers, but Sir Erskine May, per-
sisting in regarding them as confidential, whispered contents in ear
of Mr. Milman, his colleague at the Table. House mad as the
Colony of Queensland; bellowed 1 ‘ Speak up ! ” But Sir Erskine not
to be moved from the path of duty. Went on whispering, and when
he had, apparently, reached the end, sat down, and House went into
Committee on the Agricultural Holdings Bill.

Friday.—Morning Sitting began at two o’clock. Concluded at
seven. _ Business, to further consider Agricultural Holdings Bill in
Committee. First three hours given up to miscellaneous matter—a
private Bill, a fusillade of questions, a profoundly interesting argu-
ment between Hardinge Giffard and Attorney-General as to
whether Sergeant-at-Arms should appear to plead in Bradlaugh
action. At five o’clock reluctantly got to work, and disposed of few
Amendments.

A NEW KNIGHT.

The honour of Knighthood has been conferred on Mr. Edwin
Saunders, Dentist in Ordinary to the Queen. If the Dentist in
Ordinary is made a Knight, what title is reserved for the Dentist
in Extra-ordinary ? May he never be required! All of us know
what an ordinary toothache is, and how grateful we are to the Ordi-
nary Dentist who will remove the grinder—just as a policeman will
order off an irritating organ-grinder—without pain and trouble to
the sufferer.

At the ceremony, which was most impressive, Her Majesty sitting
in the ordinary dentist’s mechanical chair while attendants stood
around bearing the dental implements as insignia of the Order, in a
room hung around with drawings from Arthur Tooth’s Gallery,
the Knight elect, having taken the solemn oath specially composed
for the occasion, and commencing “ By gum ! ” was presented with
a copy of Boyle’s Court Guide, containing the Statutes of the
Order. During the proceedings the Choir, accompanied by Her
Majesty’s Private Band performing on tooth-comos (lightly covered
with tissue-paper), sang the following Ode:—

Aik—“ British Grenadiers.”

Some talk of Alexanders, a

And some of Hercules,

But what to Edwin Saunders
Are all such swells as these ?

For smiling Ladies have no friend
Like him to soothe their fears,

He ’ll teeth extract,

Make ’em all compact
For the British Grinning Hears !

Chorus—For smiling Ladies, &c.

After this, the Chaplain read an extract from the ivorks of Peter
Dens as to the obligations of the new Knight, who was then invested
with the ribbon of the Order, on which was inscribed “ Tirez le
premier.” The Chaplain (Boyle, Lecturer), in the course of an ex-
cellent discourse, remarked, “Mr. Saunders is a true professional
Christian. When pieople go to him, ‘ grin like a dog,’ and ‘ show
their teeth,’—What does he do?—he returns them good for evil.
Is he not a worthy Knight ? ”

As Mr. Edwin Saunders, the Dentist, has been knighted, why
should not an eminently popiular Actor receive the same honour ? The
qualifications are the same,—they can both “draw.” And which
requires the greater skill, to “ draw ” a house or a tooth ?

“Nolo Equescopari.” *

, To Doctor Banks,—

“ WTilt join the ranks
Of Knights ? ”

From Banks,—

“ Declined with thanks.”

* Translation—u I will not be made a Knight.” This is Canine-ical, and
not Canonical, Latin.— Vide Toby's Lat. Die.

“ All’s Swell that ends Swell,” as the Masher said when he com-
placently surveyed himself from topi to toe, from crown of new hat
to tip of new shoe, in a pier-glass.

Vol. 85.

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