DOI issue:
August 31, 1889
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17688#0113
108
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [August 31, 1889.
railways. Patriotic Irish Members in a dilemma. The tempt-
ing bribe is offered from Balfour’s hands. Shall they grip it
and take the money, or shall they contemptuously beat it back
in Arthur’s face ? After long struggle majority decided to
turn their head away so that
they shan’t see the donor’s
face, stretch out their hands
and take the money. Even
Tim Healy yields to temp-
tation of moment. Evidently
uncomfortable ; perhaps a
little ashamed of the situa-
tion ; justifies himself with
some ferocity of manner.
British taxpayer, he says,
extracted hundreds of mil-
lions from Irishmen; why
shouldn’t Irishmen take this
half a million now, albeit
Balfour proffers it ? So
Tim and great majority of
Irish Members go into lobby
with Government, rubbing
shoulders with Balfour,
hob-and-nobbing with Old
Morality. But Joseph
Gillis stands aside, Sea-
green and Incorruptible. In
vain Solicitor-General
for Ireland, with left hand
argumentatively extended
and right hand gracefully
disposed onhip, discusses the
question with him. Joseph
will have none of it, and,
Mr. Solicitor (Ireland).
when the Division-bell rings, walks forth to register anew his renun
ciation of Balfour and all his works.
Business done.—Irish Light Railways Bill forced through
Tuesday, 2 A.M.—Over at last. Irish Light Railways Bill reached
terminus; a slow journey; many stoppages; frequent attempts
to shunt it. Half a dozen times sleepers found laid across
rails, with intent to upset it. But Arthur driving; generally
understood that, when he says he is going somewhere, he arrives.
“Must say,” Richard Temple hoarsely whispered, mopping his
forehead, “ think we might usefully have illustrated subject by
laying light railway round Division lobbies. Been on the go since
four o’clock yesterday afternoon; for nearly half that time trot-
ting round the lobbies; seventeen divisions; taken part in every
one; send my record up with a bound. Shall beat everyone this
year; earn a niche in history as the Member who through long
Session only missed single Division. Yery interesting work; plenty
of experience; no end of variety. What I do is, always vote
with Government. Supported them in all Divisions on their first
Tithes Bill placing liability on occupier. Should have voted
with them in favour of second Bill, had it come on ; that, you
know, was on exactly the reverse principles, making landowner
liable. So, you see, Toby, dear boy, on one hand or the other, I
should have come out all right, besides totalling up my record of
Divisions. You’ve been in House longer than me, I know; but you
have other things to think of ; so, perhaps, you ’ll excuse me giving
you a little advice. It is, always vote with the Government. Keep
your eye on Old Morality, and Old Morality will pull you
through. You’ve no responsibility, no anxiety; and, as I have
shown, you have plenty of variety. Besides, look at the exercise !
A Division, as you know, takes from twelve to fifteen minutes. I’ve
walked through seventeen. Call it four hours ; say we didn’t exceed
pace of two miles an hour; and there you have eight miles I’ve
walked. That’s the thing to keep your wind sound, your flesh
down, your friends in office, and your country prosperous and free.”
Midnight. — Irish Votes in Supply; worrying round the Land
Commission; trotting up and down Lord Lieutenant’s backstairs;
stuck in office, of Chief Secretary when Progress reported.
Arthur, with his back to the wall, parrying the attack with usual
pluck and skill, and more than usual urbanity. Almost deferential
in his bearing towards Irish Members. Implores them to say which
they will take first, Land Commission, or Lord Lieutenant’s House-
hold ? Chief Secretary’s Salary, or Prisons Vote P Only desire in life
is to accommodate himself to the fancy of Irish Members. Will
they take the Prisons Vote ? Ho ?
“Then,” says Arthur, momentarily putting on the alluring air
of a Waterloo-House-Young-Man, “here’s the Land Commission
Vote, highly recommended ; or the Vote to complete the sum for the
Lord Lieutenant’s Household, which we are now making a leading
line. Or there’s the Chief Secretary; Chief Secretaries very cheap
to-day.”
Irish Members nonplussed at this urbanity. Angry with them-
selves and Arthur that there’s nothing to quarrel about; say
they’ll take anything. Tim Healy discourses at large on Land
Commission. Arthur likes Tim, in spite of all his roughness of
tongue and boorishness of manner.
“Knows what he’s talking about,” Arthur says; “ always some-
thing to say, and has the right to speak. Only wish he wouldn’t
think it nice thing to thrust both his hands in trouser-pockets when
he addresses House.”
Arthur’s face and bearing changed when Shaw-Lefevre appears
on scene. A man of few prejudices, but can’t abear Member for
Bradford.
“ What right has he poking his oar in here ? ” Arthur says, with
something like a scowl on his fair countenance, ‘ ‘ always reminds
me of the little boy that howls at safe distance on skirts of a scuffle,
and then goes away and tells big fibs of his prowess and his hair-
breadth ’scapes. Would have clapped him in prison when he
was in Ireland if I had got the chance. But he was too wily ;
always kept just out of harm’s way whilst making as much noise as
was safe. But I ’ll have him yet, if he doesn’t mind.”
Business done.—Irish Votes in Supply.
Thursday.—Another long night in Committee of Supply. Chiefly
Irish Votes; Tim Healy making up for lost time ;
when Courts are sitting must be in Ireland look-
ing after business; in vacation, at leisure to look
after Balfour. Does it with great zest; up
half-a-dozen times to-night, giving it ’em hot all
round.
Benches nearly empty. Akers-Douglas got
half a hundred men pledged to see thing through.
But they prefer to see it from the Terrace,
smoking - room or reading-room. Sometimes
Member thinks he’s had enough of it; done his
duty to House and country in manner that could
leave even Old Morality nothing to desire.
Thinks he ’ll stroll home to dinner ; makes his
way safely into Lobby ; strikes bee-line for door;
in half a moment be outside, on the way home ;
quiet dinner ; leave others to sit up and outvote
Irishmen; almost at door when figure slowly
uncoils itself from Bench in recess. When process
finished, and figure fully unwound, hapless Minis-
terialist discovers Arthur Hill on guard.
“ Are you paired ? ” he asks.
Ho; hapless Member wishes ffie were. Can’t
get a pair.
“Ah, very sorry,” says Hill, quite casually
spreading himself across doorway.
Hapless Member looks him up and down.
Couldn’t, without ropes, climb over him; can’t
very well get round him; so concludes he ’ll dine
in House, and wait for Divisions.
‘ ‘ Call him Arthur Hill,” says hapless Member,
“ I call bim Himalaya Mountain.”
“I always plant Hill at the doorway on dull
Are you paired. nights, when Divisions are threatening,” says
Akers-Douglas. “ Saves us at least a dozen votes; much better
than a pallisade fence, or an extra bolt to the door.”
Business done.—More Irish Votes.
Friday.—Everybody, more or less, in a good temper. Old
Morality’s appeal to finish Supply that night favourably received.
He explained that procrastination was the tnief of time ; or, to put it
less like one of the headings in his favourite copy-book, at least, twenty-
four hours of the holidays would be saved, if Votes could be rattled
off amicably that evening. Old Morality quite in new character as
amusing rattle. Rattling commenced, and only interrupted by case
of another amusing rattle—Conybeare, or, as he might be genially
called “ the good old Curse.” Of course, his honoured name could
not be left out when the Irish Prisons Vote was on. Arthur Bal-
four quite interested and sympathetic. Appears that good old Curse
has quite recovered from his distressing ailment, and Chief Secre-
tary intimated that “if there was the slightest chance that he would
incur it again, would not hesitate to order his removal to another
prison.” Very kind and thoughtful. Several. Hon. Gentlemen give
their experiences of Derry Gaol, which to put it prettily, seems to be
in very bad odour with everyone. Then remaining Votes agreed to.
Business done.—Supply.
Saturday Morning.—I feel like one who treads alone some banquet
hall desarted, whose guests are fled, whose garlands dead, and all
but he departed. House sitting to-day winding up things generally.
Only such small matters as Indian Budget to be left to next week.
Business of Session practically over; Benches empty; Corridors
resound to door-keeper’s stentorian shout, “Who goes home?”
Well, I will.
Business done.—All.
NOTICE,—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS,, Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule
there will be no exception.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [August 31, 1889.
railways. Patriotic Irish Members in a dilemma. The tempt-
ing bribe is offered from Balfour’s hands. Shall they grip it
and take the money, or shall they contemptuously beat it back
in Arthur’s face ? After long struggle majority decided to
turn their head away so that
they shan’t see the donor’s
face, stretch out their hands
and take the money. Even
Tim Healy yields to temp-
tation of moment. Evidently
uncomfortable ; perhaps a
little ashamed of the situa-
tion ; justifies himself with
some ferocity of manner.
British taxpayer, he says,
extracted hundreds of mil-
lions from Irishmen; why
shouldn’t Irishmen take this
half a million now, albeit
Balfour proffers it ? So
Tim and great majority of
Irish Members go into lobby
with Government, rubbing
shoulders with Balfour,
hob-and-nobbing with Old
Morality. But Joseph
Gillis stands aside, Sea-
green and Incorruptible. In
vain Solicitor-General
for Ireland, with left hand
argumentatively extended
and right hand gracefully
disposed onhip, discusses the
question with him. Joseph
will have none of it, and,
Mr. Solicitor (Ireland).
when the Division-bell rings, walks forth to register anew his renun
ciation of Balfour and all his works.
Business done.—Irish Light Railways Bill forced through
Tuesday, 2 A.M.—Over at last. Irish Light Railways Bill reached
terminus; a slow journey; many stoppages; frequent attempts
to shunt it. Half a dozen times sleepers found laid across
rails, with intent to upset it. But Arthur driving; generally
understood that, when he says he is going somewhere, he arrives.
“Must say,” Richard Temple hoarsely whispered, mopping his
forehead, “ think we might usefully have illustrated subject by
laying light railway round Division lobbies. Been on the go since
four o’clock yesterday afternoon; for nearly half that time trot-
ting round the lobbies; seventeen divisions; taken part in every
one; send my record up with a bound. Shall beat everyone this
year; earn a niche in history as the Member who through long
Session only missed single Division. Yery interesting work; plenty
of experience; no end of variety. What I do is, always vote
with Government. Supported them in all Divisions on their first
Tithes Bill placing liability on occupier. Should have voted
with them in favour of second Bill, had it come on ; that, you
know, was on exactly the reverse principles, making landowner
liable. So, you see, Toby, dear boy, on one hand or the other, I
should have come out all right, besides totalling up my record of
Divisions. You’ve been in House longer than me, I know; but you
have other things to think of ; so, perhaps, you ’ll excuse me giving
you a little advice. It is, always vote with the Government. Keep
your eye on Old Morality, and Old Morality will pull you
through. You’ve no responsibility, no anxiety; and, as I have
shown, you have plenty of variety. Besides, look at the exercise !
A Division, as you know, takes from twelve to fifteen minutes. I’ve
walked through seventeen. Call it four hours ; say we didn’t exceed
pace of two miles an hour; and there you have eight miles I’ve
walked. That’s the thing to keep your wind sound, your flesh
down, your friends in office, and your country prosperous and free.”
Midnight. — Irish Votes in Supply; worrying round the Land
Commission; trotting up and down Lord Lieutenant’s backstairs;
stuck in office, of Chief Secretary when Progress reported.
Arthur, with his back to the wall, parrying the attack with usual
pluck and skill, and more than usual urbanity. Almost deferential
in his bearing towards Irish Members. Implores them to say which
they will take first, Land Commission, or Lord Lieutenant’s House-
hold ? Chief Secretary’s Salary, or Prisons Vote P Only desire in life
is to accommodate himself to the fancy of Irish Members. Will
they take the Prisons Vote ? Ho ?
“Then,” says Arthur, momentarily putting on the alluring air
of a Waterloo-House-Young-Man, “here’s the Land Commission
Vote, highly recommended ; or the Vote to complete the sum for the
Lord Lieutenant’s Household, which we are now making a leading
line. Or there’s the Chief Secretary; Chief Secretaries very cheap
to-day.”
Irish Members nonplussed at this urbanity. Angry with them-
selves and Arthur that there’s nothing to quarrel about; say
they’ll take anything. Tim Healy discourses at large on Land
Commission. Arthur likes Tim, in spite of all his roughness of
tongue and boorishness of manner.
“Knows what he’s talking about,” Arthur says; “ always some-
thing to say, and has the right to speak. Only wish he wouldn’t
think it nice thing to thrust both his hands in trouser-pockets when
he addresses House.”
Arthur’s face and bearing changed when Shaw-Lefevre appears
on scene. A man of few prejudices, but can’t abear Member for
Bradford.
“ What right has he poking his oar in here ? ” Arthur says, with
something like a scowl on his fair countenance, ‘ ‘ always reminds
me of the little boy that howls at safe distance on skirts of a scuffle,
and then goes away and tells big fibs of his prowess and his hair-
breadth ’scapes. Would have clapped him in prison when he
was in Ireland if I had got the chance. But he was too wily ;
always kept just out of harm’s way whilst making as much noise as
was safe. But I ’ll have him yet, if he doesn’t mind.”
Business done.—Irish Votes in Supply.
Thursday.—Another long night in Committee of Supply. Chiefly
Irish Votes; Tim Healy making up for lost time ;
when Courts are sitting must be in Ireland look-
ing after business; in vacation, at leisure to look
after Balfour. Does it with great zest; up
half-a-dozen times to-night, giving it ’em hot all
round.
Benches nearly empty. Akers-Douglas got
half a hundred men pledged to see thing through.
But they prefer to see it from the Terrace,
smoking - room or reading-room. Sometimes
Member thinks he’s had enough of it; done his
duty to House and country in manner that could
leave even Old Morality nothing to desire.
Thinks he ’ll stroll home to dinner ; makes his
way safely into Lobby ; strikes bee-line for door;
in half a moment be outside, on the way home ;
quiet dinner ; leave others to sit up and outvote
Irishmen; almost at door when figure slowly
uncoils itself from Bench in recess. When process
finished, and figure fully unwound, hapless Minis-
terialist discovers Arthur Hill on guard.
“ Are you paired ? ” he asks.
Ho; hapless Member wishes ffie were. Can’t
get a pair.
“Ah, very sorry,” says Hill, quite casually
spreading himself across doorway.
Hapless Member looks him up and down.
Couldn’t, without ropes, climb over him; can’t
very well get round him; so concludes he ’ll dine
in House, and wait for Divisions.
‘ ‘ Call him Arthur Hill,” says hapless Member,
“ I call bim Himalaya Mountain.”
“I always plant Hill at the doorway on dull
Are you paired. nights, when Divisions are threatening,” says
Akers-Douglas. “ Saves us at least a dozen votes; much better
than a pallisade fence, or an extra bolt to the door.”
Business done.—More Irish Votes.
Friday.—Everybody, more or less, in a good temper. Old
Morality’s appeal to finish Supply that night favourably received.
He explained that procrastination was the tnief of time ; or, to put it
less like one of the headings in his favourite copy-book, at least, twenty-
four hours of the holidays would be saved, if Votes could be rattled
off amicably that evening. Old Morality quite in new character as
amusing rattle. Rattling commenced, and only interrupted by case
of another amusing rattle—Conybeare, or, as he might be genially
called “ the good old Curse.” Of course, his honoured name could
not be left out when the Irish Prisons Vote was on. Arthur Bal-
four quite interested and sympathetic. Appears that good old Curse
has quite recovered from his distressing ailment, and Chief Secre-
tary intimated that “if there was the slightest chance that he would
incur it again, would not hesitate to order his removal to another
prison.” Very kind and thoughtful. Several. Hon. Gentlemen give
their experiences of Derry Gaol, which to put it prettily, seems to be
in very bad odour with everyone. Then remaining Votes agreed to.
Business done.—Supply.
Saturday Morning.—I feel like one who treads alone some banquet
hall desarted, whose guests are fled, whose garlands dead, and all
but he departed. House sitting to-day winding up things generally.
Only such small matters as Indian Budget to be left to next week.
Business of Session practically over; Benches empty; Corridors
resound to door-keeper’s stentorian shout, “Who goes home?”
Well, I will.
Business done.—All.
NOTICE,—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS,, Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule
there will be no exception.