Punch: Punch (84.1883)

10

PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHAPTVAPI

[January 6, 1883,

A GLAD NEW YEAR!

(By Our Own Dyspeptic.)

“A Glad New Year! ” a hun-
dred. bards are shrieking,
But since I feel intolerably
queer,

While doors and windows are
insanely creaking
In the East wind, is this a
Glad New Year ?

A Glad New Year ! I grow
still more dyspeptic,

The doctor’s presence seems
extremely near ;

’Tis only in a trance that’s
cataleptic

That I can summon up a
Glad New Year.

A Glad New Year ! I’m very,
very bilious;

Blue pill is imminent. Ex-
cuse a tear.

Is life worth living ? Mal-
lock, supercilious,

Would answer No, and scorn
a Glad New Year !

A Glad New Year ! Ah, no '
a time of sadness
Looms o’er me, for the doctor
says, “ No beer.”

Fain would I get up surrep-
titious gladness,

I But he denies me any Glad
1 New Year.

| A Glad New Year! Those
words of mock’ry find me
With rates and taxes sadly
in arrear;

! I can’t be cheerful, but pray
do not mind me,

And welcome, if you can—a
Glad New Year !

When Mrs. Ramsbotham
heard that her daughter re-
sembled Lady Jane Grey,
she immediately searched a
modern Peerage for the pedi-
gree of that Lady.

PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS-NO. 117.


'"cN

THE RIGHT REY. EDWARD WHITE BENSON, D.D., LORD
BISHOP OF TRURO.

The new Archbishop. He said “ Nolo Episcopari ; ” but they named
the Piece in which he was to take a principal Part, And it
was—“ To Oblige Benson.”

A DISHCLAIMER!

Mr. Punch, Sur,

I rekwests as you will
kindly inform the Publick as
1 am not the ‘•Robert” so
unkyindly eluded to in your
last Number of all, page 310,
as having become “ Defunkt ”
and walked off with every-
think I could lay my too ands
on, but on the contrary that 1
am as much alive as ever 1
was, and has as fine a nappy-
tight as ever I had, and as to
walking off with everythink
as I could lay my ands on, tho’
Goodness nose it wouldn’t be
much, and ardly worth the
trubbie, I trusts as my Cha-
rackter not only from my last
plaice but from every plaice
as I have had and kep ’till
kyind fortune offered me a
betterer, is suffishint to pre-
serve me from any such rib-
bled slarnder.

I am, Sur,

Yours respectably,
Your own “Robert.”

Hard Lines.—The lines that
would have to be described
in schools if the plan proposed
at the late Head Masters’
Conference were adopted, of
teaching “exactly what places
a straight line drawn be-
tween London and Exeter, or
London and Carlisle would
pass through.” Very hard
lines indeed for the schoolboys
required to draw them.

If the Proprietor of the
Holborn Restaurant were to
start for the Derby, why is it
more than probable that he
would win it ?

Why ? Because he always
gets so much a-head.

NOTIONS TOR THE NEW YEAR.

{By a Gentleman on the look-out for something to turn up.)

January.—Twelfth Day on the 6th. Why not apply to leading
Stationers to he made “ Designer-in-chief for Twelfth Night charac-
ters ’? 9th, Fire Insurance expires. Surely, ought to be able to
secure'office of “ Inspector-General of Arson ” to some of the Com-
panies ? 13At, Cambridge Lent Term begins. Post of “ Backer of
Bills (for a consideration in ready money down) to impecunious
Cantabs ” should be lucrative. Failing all these schemes, write
to my Mother for an advance.

February .—1st, Pheasant and Partridge Shooting ends. Idea for
a Company (of which I am to be Managing Director), “ The Country
Squires Game Protection Society.” If the Squires don’t bite, try
the other interest with ‘ ‘ The Association for the Encouragement of
Poaching m all its Branches.” If the above doesn’t turn up
trumps, apply to my Father for a remittance.

March. 21st, ILlary Law Sittings commence. Why not ask the
Lord Chancellor to make me “ Repairer in Ordinary to the Wool-
sack r Duties : See that somebody keeps it nice and tidy, and
receive myself five hundred a-year for the trouble. Surely, there
are lots of snug little posts of this sort flying about. If this idea
fails, apply to my Sister for a little money’to go on with.

April.— 5th, Dividends due at Bank. Organise a “Personally-
conducted tour to Italy and back for £5.” Distribute Coupons
franking my party (per long sea-route) as far as Boulogne, "and
see them comfortably on board. Devote some of the remainder of

reach of my constituents—on their return to look after me ! Should
this capital notion come to nothing lucrative, apply to my Brother
for a small loan, to be returned at two days’ date, bearing sixty
per cent, interest.

May.—9th, Half-Quarter Day. This suggests an eight—aquatic.
Get up a Champion Contest for International Crews from all parts of
the world. Magnificent Cup (supplied by advertising jeweller) to be
given to the Eight that wins the race (an annual one) sixteen times
in succession. Until the Contest is decided, keep the Cup (valued at
one thousand guineas) myself. For fear of accidents, deposit it (on
loan) with Mr. Attenborough. 16th, Whit Sunday. On the
Monday apply to Mr. Gladstone, or Mr. Spurgeon, or Lord
Shaftesbury, or Lord Chief J ustice Coleridge, for funds with which
to start a comic paper. If none of these celebrities quite ‘1 see their
way” to adopting my idea, utilise my introduction to them by
obtaining orders for a wine merchant on commission. If these
capital notions come to nought, write an earnest letter to my Aunt,
begging her to save me from starvation.

June.—16th, Battle of Waterloo. Something to be done in the
Military Line. Why not start a “ Staff College for Officers of
Volunteers ? ” Easily obtain applicants by designing a smart uniform
for the students—gold epaulettes, scarlet tunics, and plumed cocked
hats. Students to be allowed to wear their uniforms at Fancy. Balls.
In event of failure, write a letter to my Uncle Threatening to
commit suicide on his doorstep, when he will have all the pain and
discomfort of an inquest on his premises, unless he immediately
forwards to me a letter, post paid, containing a Five Pound Note.

July.—16th, The Berlin Treaty signed, 1878. Write to Bismarcf

the proceeds of my enterprise to a ticket taking me safely out of | offering services as a spy. If accepted, obtain employment at the