Punch: Punch (84.1883)

22

“SEASONABLE WEATHER.”

Call this seasonable weather ?
Pooh! Where are your frost
and snow ?

Fogs and fever come together,
And the winds decline to blow.
There’s a pastime known as
skating,

’Twas in days of ice and frost;
Now the bard is safe in stating,
’Tis an art that’s nearly lost.

There’s a mist upon the river,
Swollen with incessant rain,
And the black drops glide and
quiver

Down the greasy window-pane.
Doctors rave of sanitation.

But the puzzled palien'
“ squirms ”

At the thought of ventilation,
Since it lets in typhoid germs.

You’ve no need your throat to
muffle,

At all overcoats you smile;

But, instead of sneeze and
snuffle,

There’s a surplusage of bile.
You may be a cheerful fellow,

B at you turn a perfect Scrooge
When the universe looks yellow,
And you feel a bad gamboge.

NEW EDITION OE “ SELF-HELP,”
STRONGLY BOUND.

We read in the daily papers—

“A ‘lady-help,’ named Fraser,
describing herself as respectably con-
nected in Belfast, was yesterday sen-
tenced to four months’ hard labour
for a robbery committed at the
Brighton Convalescent Home.”

Is this lady a member of the
Help Myself Society ? Or can
she be the “ Little Help” which
is proverbially worth a deal of
pity ?

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-No. 118.

FRANCIS KNOLLYS, ESQ., (J.B.

“ Francis ! ”

‘ Anon, anon, Sir ! ”

Ilenry the Fourth, Part I., Act ii, Sc. 4.

[January 13, 1883.

THE GOOD FAIRY COMPE-
TITION.

What the City Corporation
resolutely refused to do with re-
gard to Billingsgate Market, and
the Duke of Mudford showed
few signs of doing with regard to
Covent Garden (or Mud-Naiad)
.V! arket, is being done without
their aid, and probably in spite
of their counter-influence, by the
Good Fairy Competition. The
new river-side Fish Market at
Wapping has opened the eyes of
the Corporation to the weakness
of their position as Lords of the
Kingdom of Muck; and the Par-
liamentary Notices of a new great
General Market at Paddington,
and another at South Kensington,
have possibly had something to
do with the Duke of MudforiTs
offer of Covent Garden and
neighbourhood to the Metropoli-
tan Board of Works. South Ken-
sington threatening to mix Art
with Artichokes, and Horticul-
)j ture with Summer Cabbages,
(must he as great a blow to the
I Emperor of Turnip-Tops as Fat
Henry’s ingratitude was to Car-
idinal Wolsey.

News from the East.— On the
tapis. The Holy Carpet has gone
to be mended. Apropos of this, a
gentleman, who has been recently
furnishing his rooms in Picca-
dilly, told his upholsterer that he
wanted his floor to be “ wholly
I carpet.” The rather staggered
, but obliging upholsterer sent at
| once to Egypt, but being unable
j to procure the article in question, j
; he persuaded his customer to use
I Turkish rugs and matting.

“ Things not Generally
Kn own. ”— For further particulars
see the next Bishop’s Biography.

THE NEW DEPARTURE IN CRITICISM.

“ Experto crede ! ” ex-
claimed the Last of the Barons,

1 ‘ Crecla t Judceus, n on ego! ” We
thank thee, Judge, for teaching
us this truly liberal theory.
Also we are much obliged for the
moral support given to it by
Oneof the Jury,” inthe Titnes.
W hy have any more Masters of
any Arts at all P Let the Re-
public of Art and Letters be
indeed an all-round equality
Republic without a President
—and without a head ! Why
a head ? Why brains ? Open
the Academy doors wide. Let
in everybody. First come, first
served; let everyone with a
picture rush in with a ladder
and hammer and cord, and
nails, and let him hang up his
picture where he best can, and
let the strongest go to the wall,
and the weakest on the floor
and out of doors. The Acade-
micians may still sing—

Let Lawes and Lawsuit, Judge, Belt, Jury die,

But give us still our old Academy !

but who will listen to them? Who will agree with them? Will
they agree among themselves ? How can men who have devoted

their lives to the study of Art, working at it from sixteen to sixty,
be expected to speak without prejudice and evident bias on the one
subject to which they have given their undivided attention and the
best years of their life? Absurd! Would not the Last of the
Barons himself, according to his own reasoning, warn anyone
against trusting his opinion on a knotty point of Law ? Of course.
We wanted a notice of the Old Masters. Should we send a pro-
fessed Art-Critic? Certainly not. So, as we couldn’t catch the
Last of the Barons to do it for us, and didn’t know where to find
“One of the Jury,” we engaged a “Masher” who, being entirely
ignorant of the subject, was evidently the very man to write a
critique on the Rosetti Collection and the Old Masters at Burlington
House. Here is what he spoke of, icdistinctly, afterwards, as “ The
Young Masher among the Old Mash’rs : ”—

Academy. Offered to toss beadle at door two bob or nothing.
Wouldn’t. Saw another boss in uniform: probably chucker-out.
Found shilling: paid it: wish I could find another. Had written
down, “Where Old Masters?” “Where Rosetti?” Inquired:!
informed. Turned to the left, and made up my mind to go to
Number Five first, and see how I liked it. Like going into a
Turkish Bath. Just popped into Number Five—the Rosetti Room.
Too hot. Staggered back info Old Masters Number Three.

Capital chappies, Old Masters. Take No. 201 in the hooks. My!
fresh as paint. Sportsman in dark armour. Affected-looking sort of
Johnnie. Without his armour he’d be a “Masher.” Dare say he
was in his time. Don’t quite know when “ his time” was ; but
some time when they wore armour. His name is the Marquis of
Spinola. Sounds sporting. Yan Dyck did it. Sounds like Devil’s
Dyke at Brighton: trippers go there in a van. Evidently some
connection. Capital chap, Yan Dyck—did a lot of ’em. All first-
rate Johnnies. Gainsborough got his young women rather too
made up, white and pinky. But they must have been like that, and