Punch: Punch (84.1883)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[February 10, 1883.

“ THE SILVER THAMES.”

Mr. Punch’s great motto, as all the world knows, is “ Justice to
all! ” Bearing this in mind, although he has had many a good
hearty laugh, and trusts to have many more at some of the funny
and old-fashioned and cumbersome doings of
the old City Corporation, he has always borne
willing testimony to their many good deeds for
the benefit of the whole Metropolis. For
/■- WU- instance, he hears nothing but good accounts
‘ a v ' on all hands of the admirable school they have
just opened on the Thames Embankment, on
which they have lavished their wealth with an
unsparing hand, thanks, in no small degree, to
the exertions of the energetic Chairman of the
School Committee. He also hears from his
numerous staff of young men who are constantly employed, at
enormous salaries, in verifying quotations, and other important
literary work, that the Guildhall Free Library is as near perfec-
tion as a Free Library can well be. Free admission to all, early
and late, a priceless collection of books, a most courteous Librarian,
and careful and ready attendants. Then, again, Mr. Punch
can speak from his own personal experience of the magnificence
of their latest gift, for, fearless of risk, or even of the probable
subsequent discomfort, he rode lately, accompanied by two of
his trusty lieutenants, for hours through Epping Forest, and
although his critical eye saw many things that might be ’easily
improved, he bears willing testimony to the priceless value of this
grand acquisition. And now, again, when not only public gratifica-
tion and public recreation, but even public health is imperilled by
the polluted condition of our noble river, the old. Corporation is
again to the fore, net as in the olden time, struggling and battling

for the rights and liberties of the people, but for their comfort, their
enjoyment, and their health.

For a long time past reports have been rife as to the simply dis-
gusting state of the Thames in the neighbourhood of the outfalls of
the Main Drainage System at Crossness and Barking. Complaints
by the Corporation to the Metropolitan Board of Works being of no
avail, they applied to the Seldom-at-Home Secretary, who has at
length woke up and procured the appointment of a Royal Commission
to inquire into this most important matter. Strange to say, the
Commissioners have resolved to sit with closed doors. No one except
the officers and witnesses of the Corporation, who are the Plaintiffs,
and of the Metropolitan Board of Works, who are the Defendants, is
allowed to enter the sacred chamber, or to reveal one word of the
important evidence given.

This being the case, Mr. Punch, as usual, comes to the rescue,
and sympathising with the natural impatience of the Public to know
the facts of the case without that delay that seems inseparable from
Royal Commissions, he has again summoned to his aid his Own City
Commissioner, whose Reports upon the Livery Companies of the
City, lately published, have so exhausted the subject that the Royal
Commissioners are said to have adjourned sine die. This Gentleman,
with that alacrity that is as praiseworthy in a Commissioner as it is
unusual, has held several sittings, and has now forwarded a copy of
a portion of the evidence taken :—

No. I.—CAPTAIN CR03STREE.

Our Own Commissioner. Well, Captain, you know the importance
of the inquiry I am now commencing. What can you tell me of the
state of the River ?

Captain Crosstree. Well, Sir, I have been on it almost daily tor
the last ten years, as master of one of the river steamers, and it
seems to me to get worse and worse every year.

THE GAIETY NOTICE.

“Farquhar” is a good name
in connection with the Stage.
Towards the end of the Seven-
teenth Century young Farquhar,
who was subsequently to make
a brilliant reputation as a dra-
matic author, offered himself to
a Manager as an Actor, and was
accepted, “probably,” says his
biographer, “ as a godsend, being
a young gentleman from College,”
and he came out as Othello.
Fortunately for his future author-
ship, Farquhar had every quali-
fication for the Stage, except
that he couldn’t act. He had no
voice, no confidence in himself,
and never got over “ stage
fright.” He probably murdered
several characters before he acci-
dentally stabbed a brother Actor
when playing in Dryden’s Indian
Emperor, after which, having
made this one hit, he quitted the
Stage for ever.

His namesake, who appeared
at a matinee some ten days ago,
does not suffer from want of con-
fidence or from lack of voice.
He made a very creditable be-
ginning as an amateur, and, as
he chose this method of intro-
ducing himself to the notice of
London Managers anxious to en-
gage a young man of fashion,
we may look upon “Gillie’s”
first appearance at the Gaiety as
a modern version of Farquhar’s
Beaux' Stratagem.

Shakspears Adapted.

(For the Use of the Conservative
Leaders.)

You.cannot hold the Tories well
in hand

By railing at the liberal Cau-
cuses !

WHY BRIGHTON IS CHOSEN
For the Easter Review.

Because the Committee of the
Commanding Officers are fond of
special trains.

Because the town authorities
have not forgotten the attacks of
the Lancet.

Because Colonels of Tolunteers
are greater men on the South
Coast than at Aldershot.

Because a great deal may be
learned by military men on the
West Pier and at the Aquarium.

Because Portsmouth has had
enough of “ Citizen Soldiers”for
the present.

Because “our great standing
camp ” is not exactly the place
for amateurs.

Because Prince Edward thinks
it within easy railway distance of
his Command.

Because the Corporation of “the
Queen of Watering-places ” find
trade bad.

Because no one expects the
“Sham Fight” to be of any
military service to anyone, and,
therefore, that one place will do
as well as any other.

Finally,—because “the Duke”
has no objection.

Now that the only Frenchman
who could lay claim to the title
has departed, we must gradually
become accustomed to regard the
world-renowned Personal Con-
ductor, Mr. Cook, as the “ Dic-
tator of Tours.”

The nearest approach to Mid-
lothian the Premier could make
when forced to go abroad for his
well-earned rest, was “The Cha-
teau Scott.”

PUNCH’S FANCY 'PORTRAITS.-No. 122.

LIEUT.-COLONEL JAMES R. FARQTJHARSON.

“ My foot’s upon my native heath—

My name, MoMasher ! ”

Boh Roy.