Punch: Punch (84.1883)

March 31, 1883.] PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

155

NEW IDEAS.

“ The fact is, Sir Roger, I don’t approve of Foxhunting ; at least,
not for Men. I thin* it an unmanly kind of Sport ! ”

“ Un-man-ly 1 ”

“Well, yes, you know. Women can Hunt. I have, lots of times ;

AND HAVE ALWAYS BEEN IN AT THE DEATH, I ’M ASHAMED TO SAY ! ”

“Then what on earth do you consider Manly?"

“Well—Bicycling. Women can’t do that, you know, not even with
Divided Skirts / ’’

MR. GREENHORN’S EXPERIENCES.

Although months have elapsed since the events
occurred to which the accompanying letter refers, I think
it may be found of sufficient interest to all my bachelor
friends who are blessed with female relatives, to justify
its insertion.

A few days after I had given my instructions to
the Liberal Haberdashers J sometime since alluded to,
I received, to my intense astonishment, a letter from
my Aunt, of which the following is a copy :—

“ My dear Joseph,

“I have received from Messrs. Isaacs and
Lawson a parcel of Silk, which, they inform me, they
have forwarded by your direction. I have examined
the worthless rubbish with an amount of astonishment
that I really find it quite impossible to express. I can
quite understand, my dear Nephew, the kindness that
impelled you to make me, as you fondly thought, a very
handsome present for my approaching birthday ; but
the shameful way in which you have been swindled,
and induced to insult me in a way that I never could
have believed possible, worries and annoys me more than
I can express.

“It’s a long way, of course, from Truro to London,
and you know how I hate those nasty Railways, espe-
cially since I have been so lame, but I shall start by
the early train to-morrow morning, and we will go
together to those shameful swindlers, accompanied by
a Policeman, and let them see that we are not quite
such idiots in Cornwall as to be taken in by such an
impudent attempt at deception.

“ I hope the journey will not prove too much for my
strength; but 1 shall be able to stay with you three
or four days to recover myself. I shall bring my maid
with me, so we shall require two bed-rooms. It is, of
course, a great effort for me to make, but nothing
shall prevent my assisting you in punishing those in-
famous swindlers who have dared so to impose upon
your utter ignorance of these important matters.

“ Your affectionate Aunt, “ Tabitha Trevelyan.”

My poor dear Aunt stayed with me a full week before
she was able to return home. It was certainly the longest
and the most expensive, and I fear I must add, the most
untruthful week I ever experienced, and the worst of it
is that I also fear, from her somewhat severe manner at
leaving, that my long week’s sacrifice of comfort, and
convenience, of boundless extravagance, and of ima-
ginative explanations was all thrown away.

I am going to Herne Bay for a few days’ absolute
quiet and repose, and to recover my wonted serenity
after the fearful trial to which I have been subjected,
from which I draw this moral for my future guidance :—

Never buy a bargain in Silk ; never make a present
to a distant Relation ; and never have a spare bed-room
in a small establishment. Joseph Greenhorn.

THE WAY THE MONEY GOES.

A great deal has been said and written about the funds of the
Land League. It has been suggested several times that these mys-
terious accounts should be audited. With a view to making a start
in that direction, the following figures are interrogatively subjoined,
as, from their nature, they seem likely to pass unquestioned by any-

one :—

List of Disbursements.

£ s. d.

Tickets to Paris and America. 1,000 0 0

Cost of flirting Overcoat with hand-hugging Pockets . 10 0 0

Lessons from Dancing-Master in Irish Jig . . . 1 10 0

Whiskey. 1,000 0 0

Entertainment of the Fair Sex (no true Irishman,

bedad, would object to that).4 7 9

Boots and Gloves.1126

Contributions to the Poor-Boxes in Paris Churches . 0 0 3

The “ Masher Suit ” as advertised . . . . 2 10 0

Perfumery and Hair-Curling.0 2 6

Expenses of various Gentlemen—say .... 3,000 0 0

Charity.’033

Ocher Disbursements. 19,979 13 9

£25,000 0 0

The Rival Blues.

{From the Home Secretary's point of view.)

Bobby in Blue, put your truncheon in play,

The rough’s on the loose, and the “lag’s ” on the lay.
Where is the Blue, who that truncheon should use F
Off to the Boat Race, to guard other Blues !

TO BE SOLD, the whole of the Stock-in-Trade, Appliances, and
Inventions of a Successful JEsthete, who is retiring from busi-
ness. This will include a large Stock of faded Lilies, dilapidated
Sunflowers, and shabby Peacocks’ Feathers, several long-haired
Wigs, a collection of incomprehensible Poems,. and a number of
impossible Pictures. Also, a valuable Manuscript Work, entitled
Instruction to JEsthetes, containing a list of aesthetic catchwords,
drawings of aesthetic attitudes, and many choice secrets of the craft.
Also, a number of well-used Dadoes, sad-coloured Draperies, blue
and white China, and brass Fenders.

To shallow-pated., flabby young Men with no education, who are
anxious to embark in a profitable business which requires no capital
but impudence, and involves no previous knowledge of anything, this
presents an unusual opportunity. No reasonable offer refused.
Apply in the first instance to Messrs. Jucklemore and Jalliwack,
Solicitors, Chancery Lane.