Punch (53.1867)

230

[December 7, 1867.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

vd ay, November

2&th. Now, how
much does a Pen-
sive Public want
to know about the
Abyssinian de-
bates ? For it
occurs to Air.
Punch that there
is not precisely a
frantic desire on
the part of that
tolerably respect-
able body to hang
on the lips of the
various orators
who prosed or
scolded on the
subject. He has
no wish to bore
anybody—aresult
which of course
would be impos-
sible if he were
speaking for him-
self ; but which
is just within
the compass of
possibility when

he analyses the utterances of Imperial Wisdom.

It may be good that Airs. Grundy should know.

First, that the Abyssinian War has begun, and therefore must be
carried on until the British Lion is victorious.

Secondly, that the present estimate is that it may cost Four Millions,
but it is quite impossible for anybody to say what it will cost.

Thirdly, that Two Millions are wanted directly.

Fourthly, that the House of Commons has authorised Mjr. Disraeli
to borrow that sum out of the Consolidated Fund.

Fifthly, that India is to bear the expense of the expedition, so far as
the ordinary pay of the troops and shipping goes.

Sixthly, that England is to bear the rest of the expense.

Seventhly, that we begin by being charged an Extra Penny on the
Income-Tax, which is to be raised from Fourpence to Fivepence,
Airs. Grundy.

Eighthly. But sufficient for the pay-day is the tax thereof. There
will be a deal more money wanted, and though of course a Chan-
cellor of the Exchequer instinctively flies to the tax which is the
most easily collected, and against which little complaint is made
by the patient Middle Class, and although he almost hints that he
means to stick on another Penny after this, the tea-cup and the
gin-bottle will catch it one of these days.

That is what chiefly concerns the Pensive. We respectfully hope
that they will like it. Now a word or two more. It will naturally
occur to Mrs. Grundy to fly into a rage, and ask what business our
Consul had to meddle himself into a mess with King Theodores, and
what right missionaries have to go bothering a man who may be at
least as good a Christian as some other Kings and Emperors who break
into other people’s territories, and commit slaughter with needle-guns,
Chassepots, and the like ? To the second demand it is the business of
Exeter Hall to reply. To the first, Punch will merely say this :

If a certain Prisoner comes home, he will have something to say
which may make Mrs. Grundy) think that much greater persons than
our prisoners brought about the war. He may perhaps tell her (though
Lord Russell and Mr. Layard will not) something about an Egyptian
Raid into Abyssinia (the ladies of that country are very handsome, and
a certain Pasha has good taste in that line), and also something.about
Cotton, and he may offer some explanation of the reason why a course
was taken which enraged King Theodorus.

Therefore, though Mr. Punch knows better than to suggest to Mrs.
Grundy, or any other lady, to restrain her indignation, he recommends
her to sputter it broadcast against all officials whomsoever, until she
has more trustworthy (not reliable) information as to the exact culprits.
And, unless he is bought off at a most thundering price, he intends to
say something in the matter himself, as soon as he may deem it fit so
to do.

Touching the talk on the subject, Mr. Punch merely registers, that
on the above date, Earl Granville demanded the Papers, which
Earl Derby promised, the gladlier that they are admitted to be
rubbish, and that they throw no real light on the affair. That on

Tuesday we had a set debate. Mr. Disraeli gave a history which
Parliament was asked kindly to receive as a full, true, and particular
account of the origin of the Abyssinian war, and then demanded the

Two Millions. Mr. Lowe significantly observed that Mr. Disraeli
had omitted all topics of controversy, at what cost to accuracy it might
be unnecessary to say. Robertos then went right away from the
Abyssinian question, and attacked the Ministers for violating the Con-
stitution by making war without the leave of the House of Commons.
Lord Stanley denied that they had done anything of the sort. Mr.
Horsman was much dissatisfied, as he usually is. Other persons said
their says, Mr. Osborne called the war a Palmerstonian legacy, and
Mr. Layard, who was in office when the quarrel arose, defended the
then Foreign Office, and abused Dr. Beke, who on the following
night was gallantly and successfully defended by Mr. Newdegate in
utter defiance of all rules. Mr. Layard mentioned that, the Office
is a good deal “bored” by speculators and busybodies, which we are
sorry to hear. Sir Stafford Northcote defended the present Foreign
Office. Colonel Sykes denounced the Consular meddling. Mr.
Gladstone spoke in his best manner, gently rebuked absentees for not
coming to town, “rosy from rural pursuits,” to attend to business,
and gave Government credit for the temper in which they had met a
grave and thorny difficulty. Mr. Disraeli, in reply, believed that the
Ministry had, in this matter, given satisfaction to the country. The
money was voted. Then on the

Thursday. We went into Ways and Means. Mr. Disraeli could
not attend, having the lumbago, and Mr. Ward Hunt had to show
how the money was to be got. Mr. Punch has already told this. Mr.
Gladstone entirely approved of not running into debt, and thought
the financial arrangement quite unobjectionable. After that what
could be said ? Put away your Pennies, Middle Class, and you may
as well make ’em tuppences while you are about it.

Sir Stafford Northcote next went into the Indian part of the
business, and, according to the Morning Star,

“la one of the silliest, most egotistical, and most babyish speeches ever made in
Parliament, wandered, as he supposed, over the whole subject without ever con-
sidering either the interests of the people of India or the views of those interests
which they are likely to take.”

Air. Punch thinks iron thoughts, but expresses them in velvet words ;
and therefore, instead of imitating the severe language of the Star, he
will merely say, that to his mind the charging the Indians with any part
of the cost of maintaining the prestige of their masters is an astound-
ing bit of owdacious cheek. Mind, if we governed India for the good
of India, and fulfilled our responsibilities as her rulers, the case would
be different, but until we govern her as justly and as generously as we
govern Ireland, Imperial and Indian interests are two, and the latter
ought not to pay for the advancement of the former. But the House,
or at least the fragment that can be got from the foxes and pheasants,
could not see this, nor could Mr. Gladstone, whose sense of justice
is usually so keen. He advocated the plan in a way that was neither
silly, egotistical, nor babyish, but brought up stronger arguments than
had come from the Ministerial bench. He thought that we did a great
deal for India, and that the proposed scheme would cost her very
little. So thought Mr. Laing. Mr. Osborne made some fun about
the object of the expedition being the keeping of the Bombay Army
in wind. Lord Cranborne thought that if Oriental prestige were
sought, this was a wicked war, and he saw no prudence in withdrawing
so many soldiers from India. A division was taken, and the Govern-
ment had 198 to 23, not a bad illustration of the doctrine touching the
wisdom of numbers. And that, Mrs. Grundy, is all with which we
shall trouble you, this week, on the subject of Abyssinia. It is not
quite so delightful as the exquisite ideas which Coleridge—inspired
in sleep—has for ever connected with the name of the Abyssinian
maid, singing on Mount Abora.

A few miscellaneous notes complete the Parliamentary history of the
week. The Commons actually sat on Saturday.

Thanks to Mr. Scudamore, of the Post-Office, who is a perfect Abbe
Sieyes for inventing systems (with the slight difference that none of
the Abbe’s would work, and all of the Under-Secretary’s do), the
Indian mail service, still to be managed by the P. & 0., is to be re-
arranged, and after February we send off a mail every Friday. This
gives India four extra posts, and gives us the comfort of a fixed day.

So, parted lovers, who would send
Your weekly billets-doux d'amour
From Thames to Ganges, thank your friend,

The organising Scudamore.

It was said that the Pope had caused the rooms of our Ambassador
in Rome (well, what else is he ?) Mr. Odo Russell, to be ransacked.
Mr. Punch did not believe it, for His Holiness is a gentleman. A
search was made, but it was because the house was supposed to have
been mined, and Mr. Odo felt no call to be Odo-acer.

Our friend the Costermonger has been kindly treated in Parliament,
and we think that a Deputation of Costermongers ought to go to Mr.
Hardy (giving him notice, that he may get some cotton for his ears)
and bellow their most affectionate gratitude. Vide Cartoon, also.

We did not think that any of the conveyances of our friend David
Hutcheson, of Glasgow, could be improved. We are certain that the