Punch (73.1877)

12

PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[July 14, 1877.

Kashgar BankP Yes, with pleasure, on receiving instructions
to that effect from England. Till they do, will I stop here as a
guest, and enjoy myself ? Certainly. Good.

I am at Khiva. The Free Admissionists are outside the gate3 par-
leying with the Governor, who is inside looking over the wall. My
" orders " only admit them to my Show, but not into Khiva. How.

The information which I shall be able to give the English
Government will be most valuable.

Joyful News /—I re-open my Diary. This morning I heard a
peculiar yet familiar noise outside my door. Half awake, I jumped
out of bed.

"Who's there ? " I cried, in three languages.

No verbal answer, but in the space between the door and the floor
appeared some of the letters of the well-known Alphabet, spelling,
"Me ! Poor Pig ! Pardon ! "

I opened the door, and in he trotted. Alive! all alive!!....
He is pardoned. It was the remains of a wild boar that I had
mistaken for those of Hebb Gbuntz.

To-Night.—At Khiva. First performance of Learned Pig. Great
success.

Shall return to England at once. As I learn there is a Per-
forming Dog going about in the best society imitating my Pig's
tricks.

My Pig will tell any one his or her age on the Cards if the
inquirer only mentions the date of his birth. He need not do this
aloud, but merely whisper in my ear, or write it down.

My Pig will double any number that any Gentleman or Lady in
the company may think of ; he will halve it; he will add ten to it;
he will subtract twenty : and be right in the result. He will back
himself against Psycho or Zoe at the Egyptian Hall, and play
ecarte and the Russian Ykooh Dnilb with any one, including either
Mb. Maskelyne or Mb. Cooke, for twenty pounds a side.

My Pig will be shot from an eighty-four pounder, dance on a slack
wire, and take a hundred feet header into a litter. _

No connection with any other Show now exhibiting. Pigstickers
beware! Early application to my agent in London absolutely
necessary.

From information received I may mention that it is highly pro-
bable that I shall be able to add an

ADDITIONAL ATTRACTION
In a Terpsichorean performance by the
FAIR CIRCASSIAN,

Who has written to say she will join me in London at an enormous
expense. She will be accompanied by the
EYANSKI CHORISTERS,
Who will sing most of their native Tartar glees, play the Sleigh

Bells, and dance

THE " NWODKAERB,"

The National War-Dance of their native land.
The whole to conclude with

A GRAND PYROTECHNIC AND PANORAMIC DISPLAY,

With Scenes in the Circle (introducing the Governor's Horse), illus-
trating the various episodes, the almost insurmountable obstacles,
the escape from Wolves, comic business with Sentry in Sentry-box,
and, finally, Myself on the Govebnob's Hobse, in full costume,
as I rode into the gates of the town, and so finished
THE RIDE TO KHIYA ! !

Postscriptum.

I am now riding back. I promised to outdo CAriAiN F. Bubnaby,
by riding to and from Khiva. My friends who have confidence are
already singing " He ivill return, I know him well." And believe
me, " I am coming, Sister Mary!'"

Returning via Monaco.

Not many people here. Good business. Met rich old Gentleman.
Left poor old Gentleman. Rode on.

Paris— Once more in the capital of pleasure. Moi et le Cochon !
Rode into Paris by the Arc de Triomphe on horseback. L'homme
Cheval they call me here. The bill is headed with the picture of a
centaur.

Boulogne.—One night only. All quiet.

Calais.—Crossed on horseback by the packet-boat.

Dover.—Arrived. Never dismounted once. Riding at anchor.

On my way to Home Sweet Home.

End of Diary.

Editor's Appendix.—We have done our Riding Representative an unin-
tentional injustice. Private Wire, who was an old soldier in every sense
of the word, has absconded, and left a confession with the Confidential Boy in
our office, who has returned to his duties thoroughly penitent. Private
Wire has appropriated the subscriptions raised for Our Riding Representa-
tive's tour, and therefore Our Representative has been, equally with ourselves,
the victim of a cruel conspiracy. Our Esteemed Contributor's Friend, the
Livery Stable Keeper, has called on us, and we have referred him for a settle-

ment to our Riding Representative, who, on his return, will no doubt set
everything right.

******

He has returned. All amicably settled. We retract everything, and are
sorry we spoke. He is a man of his word. Everything is right. No further
difficulties. There can be no doubt that our excellent friend has ridden to
Khiva andback again. In future we shall have every confidence in him,
and send him away as soon as possible. He says Khiva is a very charming
place, and, from his description, not totally unlike Margate.—Ed.

OPENING THE WICKET TO THE LADIES.

ebhaps Ladies
have hitherto
had their wrongs
in the Cricket-
held, as else-
where. But they
are now in the
way to get more
than their rights,
witness this
rough draft,
picked up by Mr.
Punch during a
late fashionable
match, at what
used to be called
"Lord's," but
soon promises to
be Ladies':—

Pules and Regu-
lations for the

m. c. a

1. Candidates
of both sexes will
in future be
eligible for elec-
tion. The Men
should not be
cricketers, and the Ladies are expected to be young and pretty.
No objection to frisky matrons, girls of the period, and a small
per-centage of purblind dowagers.

2. Male candidates will be expected to furnish the Committee
with the names of their Clubs and their tailors. They will be called
upon (if considered necessary) to pass an examination in billiards
and ecarte.

3. Female candidates (with the exception of dowagers) will be
expected to forward to the Committee testimonials from members of
Hurlingham, the Orleans, and the chief Military Clubs, not neces-
sarily for publication, but as a guarantee of good form.

4. Every Member shall have the right to introduce a cook, a
butler, and four footmen on Match days.

5. Members will be expected to provide their own crockery, plate,
and table-linen; but (when possible) dining-tables will be provided
by the Club.

6. In future Members will not be permitted to send anything
beneath the rank of a donkey-cart, as a substitute for their own
carriage, on the occasions of the University Contest and the Eton
and Harrow Match.

7. Members cooking their luncheons, dinners, &c, on the ground,
will be expected to consume their own smoke.

8. In future lawn-tennis or Badminton will be substituted for
cricket when the Oxonians meet the Cantabs and the Public School
Boys contend for victory. This alteration has been decided upon so
that luncheon-parties may be disturbed as little as possible.

9. Members will be entitled to bring pianofortes upon the ground,
and to organise musical parties.

10. The tennis-court will be available for dancing at 10 a.m. A
stringed band will be provided by the Club on Tuesdays, Thursdays,
and Saturdays.

11. In future the Public will be rigidly excluded from Lord's,
except during the months of December, January, and February,
when rough games, such as football, &c, will not be permitted.

And, lastly (Rule 12), Four times la year the centre turf may be
used for cricket, if the Members can be induced to waive their right
to use it for a luncheon-ground.

ibony oe parliament.

In the House of Commons, among the methods of impeding legis-
lation, it is customary to move "that the Chairman do Report Pro-
gress." Should it not rather be, " that the Chairman do Report
Obstruction" ?