Punch (73.1877)

September 22, 1877.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

121

A MODEL MAIDEN.

0 Fascinating Daughter of Gaul ! Clever and Bright,
Prettily Shod, and neatly Capped—Bonne, Grisette, House-
maid, or Market-woman—whatever be thy humble Eank, who
would not Lose his Heart to Thee !

THE COMPLETE TELEGRAM-WRITER.

The Postmaster-General has recently remonstrated with the
senders of telegrams d propos of their extravagance in the use of
words. His Lordship asserts that the cause of the comparative
failure of this branch of the postal service (speaking of it as a com-
mercial speculation), can be traced to the thoughtless verbosity of
the public. If every one who sends a telegram would make his
message as concise as possible, and would moreover cut out every
unnecessary word, a deficit would very soon be changed into a hand-
some surplus. Always ready to assist in any undertaking of a
national character, Mr. Punch begs to furnish his readers with a
few model telegrams.

Specimen No. 1.

A very distinguished Statesman has been in the habit of wel-
coming excursionists to bis grounds, and there regaling them with
tree-felling and speechification. He receives a long and flowery
letter from a representative of a band of his admirers, begging him
to receive a deputation at his country seat, to see him cut some
timber and to hear him make a speech. The letter also asks for his
opinion upon a number of subjects. Here follows the proper reply :—

From Gladstone to A. Noodle, Bunkumborough.
Can't. Trees and Speeches cut for the Season. For opinions
see pamphlets.

Specimen No. 2.

A Young Poet has long been in love with a beautiful girl. The
beautiful girl has smiled upon his suit. All is settled ; ttie day is
fixed, and the ring is purchased. At the last moment the young
Poet discovers that a rival has been paying his addresses to the lady
of bis heart, and that those addresses have not been regarded with
sufficient disfavour by his soul's idol. Instead of writing a long and
bitter letter full of taunts and reproaches, he sends the following
telegram, which reveals his knowledge, frees his bride, and hints at
suicide:—

From Shakspeare Smith, Battersea Bridge, to Florie, Rose

Cottage, Tooting.

Know all. You may marry Brown. Just going to jump.
Specimen No. 3.

In a moment of madness a number of Voters have elected a most
unpleasant person to be their representative in Parliament. On
regaining their senses, they deeply regret their folly, and desire to
escape from the consequences. In various manners they attempt to
convey to their Member that they wish him to resign. Instead of
writing a long defence of his conduct, he telegraphs as follows:—

From Kenealy, London, to Electors, Stoke.

Won't. You must learn to love me.

Specimen No. 4.

A body of Philanthropists are getting up a fund for some bene-
volent purpose. They have made it a rule to publish no names, but
merely the amounts subscribed. They address a charitable person,
whose signature appears in every subscription list, and request him
to forward a donation. The charitable person, instead of sending a
long letter full of excuses, telegraphs as follows :—

From Cbcesus, City, to Good Samaritans, Cashbankington.

No. Hate anything anonymous.

Specimen No. 5.

Two Theologians have had a long and courteous correspondence
upon some doctrinal point. After about the thirtieth letter, one of
the Theologians suggests that the other may have been able to adopt
the views fie avows on account of some slight defect in his mental
organisation. He makes this suggestion in the most guarded and
friendly language, and awaits a reply. Instead of writing, the
other Theologian immediately dispatches the following telegram :—

From Sturgeon Manning to Newman Colenso.

Coming by the next train to punch your head.

Specimen No. 6.

A Minister has long enjoyed a reputation for great cleverness.
He has moreover shown a strong objection to the restraints of Par-
liament. On several occasions this Minister had taken advantage
of the House being up, to act with considerable recklessness. Par-
liament is not sitting at a time when the greatest caution is abso-
lutely necessary for the proper manipulation of foreign affairs. The
Wisest Man in the whole world sends the following telegram to the
most cunning:—

From Punch, Town, to Beaconsfield, Country.
No larks. I've got my eye on you.

Having furnished the above models, Mr. Punch leaves the matter
in the hands of his readers. He once more reminds them that the
hope of the Post-Office Telegraph Department rests upon the
Public's forbearance. If the bacon is to be saved, it must be saved
by pauca verba.

JOLLY PAUPERS.

At Bow Street, the other day, an alleged lunatic having been
brought up for examination, previous to an order for his committal,
it necessary, to a Lunatic Asylum,—

" The Surgeon from St. Giles's Workhouse s<nd that Nokes had been
under his observation in the Infirmary for some days, but neither he nor the
Warder in charge of him could see any signs of madness in his conduct. He
ate well, he slept well, and he drank well."

Did he ? Then what a very exceptional Workhouse TDfirmary
St. Giles's must be! So perfiaps is his Workhouse altogether-
Guardians, Believing Officer, dietary and all. Whoever before
heard of any Workhouse in any part of which anybody ate well,
slept well, and drank well, except in the Matron's apartment, or per-
haps the Committee Boom ? Beggars, and, as such, paupers, cannot be
choosers, especially of their domicile, but if an unfortunate person
who had seen better days could select his asylum, and were asked
to name it, the statement above-quoted might induce him to say,
" Commend me to St. Giles's Workhouse."

vol. mm.

M