Punch (73.1877)

Xovoibfr 21 1877.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVAPJ. 229

A MAYOR WITH ALL HIS \>S ABOUT HIM.

f'?9h j/ , onetimes literal reporting is

asked for in the House of
Commons. Occasionally we
see it maliciously em-
ployed in municipal re-
ports. Here is an example.
How does Mr. Smith like
it? Will the evening's
eloquence bear the morn-
ing's newspaper reflec-
tion ?

" Speech by the Teeto-
tal Mayor of Scarbor-
ough. — The new Mayor of
Scarborough gave a banquet
to the members of the Town
Council and his friends, at the
Koyal Hotel, on Friday night,
at which all wines and in-
toxicating liquors were pro-
hibited.— Sir Charles Le-
gard, Bart., M.P., having proposed
the Mayor's health, the Mayor re-
sponded in a characteristic Bpeech.
He began by saying : ' Gentlemen, I
can talk for half an hour if you like.
(Laughter.) I never had such an
audience in my life, and I never felt
in better fettle. 1 have the pluck
of a real Englishman, who is never
afraid of water without or'water within. (Laughter.) To-night _ I must
thank you—thank you sincerely. You have respected my principles,
and I honour you for it. Never mind the bottle. (Laughter.) I have
espoused principles, and whatever J espouse J defend. I don't want to-night
to offer any impediment to the enjoyment of any guest, but J was assured
that no guest that ever came to this banquet would mar my pleasure or
bring anything like a slight upon me. You have done it, and done it beyond
my expectations, and beyond almost my satisfaction. If you hadn't even
gone quite so far, / should have felt satisfied—I don't mean taking a little
drop on the sly or anything of that sort. "We have had a convivial meeting—
(much laughter)—-we can have it without wine. I never lacked pluck in my
life, and if /live forty years longer / shall be a hundred and ten. (Laughter.)
As long as / live L am persuaded 1 shall never lack pluck. L was born a
Briton, and of British parents, and I never saw a danger but / must rush
into it.' (The Mayor then related a personal narrative illustrative of his
pluck, telling the company how he dived after a drowning man in Scotland,
and rescued him.) His Worship continued: ' j feel the same pluck in my
heart that 1 felt forty years ago. L mean to maintain it under the influ-
ence of water. (Laughter.) /have been a teetotaller forty years, and / have
enjoyed my four meals a day ; and / have never drunk even half-a-glass of beer
to any meal / ever had; and / feel to-night / am as young as young, and /
even feel / can be as joyous as ever, and / never had a more joyous moment
in my life than now. I have got to the height of my ambition, and that is to
be the Mayor of Scarborough. It is not long since such a thought entered
into my heart. My friends began to play with it, and it began to twist round
me and get hold of me till 1 let it go full length. Here / am to-night
amongst you, and / never was more happy in a company than I have been
to-night, and / hope every gentleman has enjoyed himself to his very fill.
(Laughter.) If Obadiah can have a smoke, his joy will be complete.
(Laughter.) / thank you for the kindness you have done me in coming to
be my guests. 1 have not promised to give you another dinner before my
year of office is out—J would rather give you a tea. (More laughter.) /
have seen such evil results flow from drinking—such scenes of sorrow and
sadness even to weeping, /thank you for your kindness and courtesy to me,
and / will conduct the affairs of the town as far as / have the ability ; and
the ex-Mayor said to me, " Smith, if there's anything too heavy for you, put
the brunt on me." If / want to go away to Matlock or Malvern for a fort-
night, Mr. ex-Mayor, you shall have it all to your own cheek. / cannot
endure the excitement / have had to pass through during the past eight or
nine days, and / may have to go to the wells at Matlock or Malvern ; and /
think water inside and out is the very best thing / can have. (Laughter.)
1 thank you for the manner in which you have drunk my health, and 1 now
finish my business for the evening. I have done talking now, and 1 don't
mean to talk any more, if you please. (Laughter.) The rest of the business
will be done by the Gentlemen who are upon the programme.' (Renewed
laughter.,)"

HIGH LIFE BELOW-STAIRS.

Highly as we (some of us) may pride ourselves upon our niceties
of social distinction, there are others in the world not a shadow less
particular. For instance, look at this advertisement :—

AS HOUSEKEEPER in a Nobleman's Family. Country not objected
to. Twenty years'experience. Separate room for meals. Salary £60.

A worthy person this, no doubt, and one who knows her worth,
and finds that knowledge profitable. A Lady not to be mistaken for
a modest Lady-help, and'possibly still less to be mistaken for a Maid-
servant. As for dining in the kitchen, of course she would not

dream of it; and, doubtless, no one but a Nobleman need venture to
aspire for the honour of enrolling her among the members of his
household. "We question if the offer of even double wages—we beg
pardon, we mean salary—would induce her to demean herself by
entering the service—we beg pardon, we mean, family—of anyone
without a handle to his name ; and perhaps her next advertisement
may state with proper emphasis, imparted by italics, that il No-
body below a Marquis need apply."

PLIMSOLL ON POISONS.

Mr. Bung would do well to ponder these remarks made the
other evening by Mr. Plimsoll, M.P., at a Temperance Meeting
at'Derby:—

" I have long held the opinion that a great deal of the crime which is
attributed to intoxication in this country is not so much owing to the quan-
tity of drink which the criminal has consumed, as to the abominable adultera-
tion by which the drink has been treated before it was sold to him. (' Llear !
hear!') There are certain classes of people in London, I am informed—
certain classes of tradesmen—who are called publicans' chemists, who sell
articles by which the spirits which they receive from the distilleries are
adulterated, to the great injury of the people who consume them, and it is
impossible to see the almost total absence of intoxication which you may see
on the Continent, where everyone drinks the light wines of the country, with-
out being convinced that the people are intoxicated—which means poisoned,
as distinct from being inebriated, which means drunk—that they are here
intoxicated or poisoned by the drink they get at some of the publichouses in
the country. (' Rear ! hear !')"

Good Templars, mark the distinction. It is a calumny to call
genuine beer and ale intoxicating liquors. Beef might as well be
called inflammatory food. Me. Bung renders pure liquors intoxi-
cating by qualifying them with chemicals in the province of toxi-
cology, named in the Adulteration Act, and cited by Mr. Plimsoll ;
to wit :—

" ' Cocculus indicm, darnel seed, chloride of sodium'—which is, of course,
common salt—' copperas, opium, strychnine, tobacco, extract of logwood,
sulphate of zinc or lead, and alum.' "

Temperance Societies seek to make people sober by Act of Parlia-
ment. That is to say, by an Act which has yet to be enacted. No
doubt Temperance would be greatly promoted by enforcement of the
Adulteration Act. Should not sincere friends of Temperance apply
themselves to that ? Temperance would then be effected by an Act
of Parliament which would annoy nobody except Mr. Bung and his
chemical accomplices. But, if Mr. Bung were wise, would he not
discontinue his dealings with "Publicans' Chemists," and desist
from drugging his liquors with the poisons which make them
"intoxicating " P Then Mr. Bung would do very much to diminish
drunkenness, and just so much as to preclude paternal legislation
in the form of an Act of Parliament framed to make people sober by
the abolition of Mr. Bung's business.

A FOREGONE CONCLUSION.

Fancy an English Minister concluding an address to the House of
Commons with such a peroration as that of the speech made by the
Due de Broglie in the debate on the Elections Committee question
in the Chamber of Deputies : —

"Now make your inquiry. A3 a member of the Government I protest
in the name of the law ; as a citizen I undertake to prove the results of this
inquiry false before the equity of history and the judgment of my country."

"What would the Speaker say to any Member, especially a
Member of the Cabinet, undertaking to prove the results of a Par-
liamentary inquiry about to be instituted, false ; thus giving Hon.
Gentlemen, by anticipation, the lie ? The Due de Broglie once
passed for a constitutional Statesman, but he has of late been vio-
lently carried away from Parliamentary principles. In unparliamen-
tary language he exceeds Home-Rulers ; the peroration just quoted
" beats Banagher." But suppose the inquiry, of whose results he
predicts the falsehood, should result in exonerating himself and his
colleagues from the charge of having unduly influenced elections ?
That, perhaps M. de Broglie thinks, is not to be supposed.

Something Like a Bargain.

Here is a really tempting advertisement from the last Exchange
and Mart:—

SHEEP.—Irish Yews, two handsome specimens, each five feet high.
6s. the pair. A bargain.

I believe you, my boy! Such a height and such a price! Can't
you let us have a flock of them—without the " y " ?

vol. lxxiti.

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