Punch (73.1877)

24

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[July 21, 1877.

S1

IMPORTANT PERSONAL EXPLANATION.

From the Riding Representative who Rode to Khiva and back.

To the Editor.

er,—Your retractation in the
last number was ample and
most handsome. Permit
me, therefore, to set myself
right once and for ever with
the Public, and, in reply to
numerous inquiries, to state
clearly—

First.—That I am not
going to ride again. "Bide
again, Whittlngton, grey
mare to London" the hells
may ring out, but they will
not move me. I intend
spending (as usual), a few
quiet days in the Isle of
Wight, and this may have
given rise to the report that
I am "going to Ryde again."

Secondly. —I mean to rest
on my laurels. This is meta-
phorical, as laurels are the
last things I'd choose to rest
on, or among, after a long
ride. I 'd rather choose a
parsley-bed than a laurel-
bush.

Thirdly. — The horse on
which I'' finished " will not be'sold at Tatteksall's by public auction.

Fourthly.—Pig will not appear at the Winter Cattle Show, nor
has he made arrangements with Messes. Hodge and Essex for
public performances at either the Albert or the Agricultural Hall.

Fifthly.—I have accepted no engagement from Hengler's or
Sanger's, and don't intend to.

Sixthly.—I have no intention of writing anything about Half-
Hours with the best Devil- TV>rshippers, though my experience
among them has been considerable. I do not mind admitting that,
out of curiosity, I have so far joined in their ritual as to have occa-
sionally burned a candle to the Devil.

Seventhly.—My name will not appear this season under the
heading " Fashionable Marriage." I must see Pig settled first.

Eighthly.—I deny that I am in the pay of Russia. I have not
even allowed my book (The Ride to Khiva, just published) to be
bound in Russian leather.

Ninthly.—I am not aware of five thousand copies having already
been ordered by the Czar. Of course the Czar's order will be
attended to in the usual course, as will the Sultan's—the Czar's
first: alphabetically.

Having thus said all I had to say, I merely beg to remonstrate
with the clever artist who represented me, in his last illustration, as
walking—I never walk when I say I '11 ride—and, with a fond fare-
well, I sign myself The Axjthok of Tbe Ride to Khiva.

WHERE NOT TO GO—AND AVHY.

{All Round the Alphabet. By a Used-Up Tourist.)

Antwerp.—Because after a long sea journey in hot weather you
find yourself landed in a city redolent of Reubens at his beefiest.

Boulogne.—Because what may be "Port" to the French, thanks
to mud and malaria, is death to the English

Lausanne.—Because, if you find yourself in that neighbourhood,
you had far better go on to Ouchy.

Milan.—Because some one or other will be sure to insist upon
your going to the top of the Cathedral.

Naples.—Because Vesuvius is all smoke, the Chiaja all sun, and
Pompeii only a section of the Crystal Palace out of repair.

Oban.—Because you can't stand a Scotch translation of Brighton.

Paris.—Because, if you are fond of life in a capital, you had
better remain in London.

Quebec.—Because, if you must cross the Atlantic, you will find
the United States better fun than Canada.

Rome.—Because when you visit Rome in the summer you ought
to do as the Romans do—that is to say, get away from it as fast and
as far as you can.

Silistria.—Because, if you are fond of shells, you will find the
collecting them cheaper in Ramsgate and safer in the Isle of Wight.

Trebizonde.—Because the opera-bouffe accounts of the place are
not to be relied upon.

Utrecht.—Because the town is within twenty miles of Amsterdam,
and, as malaria travels far and fast, those who have smelt the
canals of the Dutch capital should be the last to venture within that
distance of it.

Venice.—Because the musquitos are said to be unusually lively
this season.

Worms.—Because if you have been there once you won't want to
go again ; and, if you have never been, there is no reason why you
should go.

Xeres.—Because the sherry there is no better than the sherry
anywhere else.

Yeniseisk {East Siberia).—Because you can't get a "through
carriage " to the spot from Clapham Junction.

Zanzibar.—Because this once interesting watering-place has been
done to death, and you don't mean to be "Badgered" into going there.

A CLERGYMAN'S QUESTION.

Mr. Thomas Metler, Town Clerk of Taunton, has, by direction
of the Aldermen and Town Councillors, forwarded to the newspapers
a correspondence consisting of a letter from the Rev. Frederick
•Jeremiah Smith, the Yicar, to Mr. Myer Jacobs, the Mayor, and
the reply of Mr. Jacobs thereunto. Mr. Smith writes to invite
Mr. Jacobs to cjntradict, if he can, a very general report that he
is "an unbaptised person, and, consequently, not a Christian."
Mr. Jacobs, in answer, says that he is proud to avow himself a Jew.
What does the Archdeacon of Taunton think of the Yicar ?
Perhaps that, though incapable of impertinence, his zeal a little
outruns his discretion and his taste. It is remarkable that the
Reverend Gentleman addresses his epistle '' To the Worshipful the
Mayor ; " thus giving him the benefit of the doubt he entertains as
touching his faith, and, consequently, his worship ; which is chari-
table.

Two of a Trade.

Sauce for the goose is ditto for the gander : —

What choice 'twixt priestly Pry and prurient Pander ?

Sale of sealed packages and sly confession ?

Belial, in search of suitable profession,

Might halt 'twixt venal dirt and fetid piety,

Unsavoury street, malodorous Society,

And finally decide there's not a toss

'Twixt print of Holywell, and Holy Cross.

Change for the Better.

Cologne.—Because genuine " Eau de Cologne " by any other name The Hellenic Correspondent of the Daily News reports—a propos
would smell much sweeter. i of the Greek Loan, just proclaimed—silver drachmas so scarce that

Dieppe.—Because there is nothing in either their Old or our New they are likely to disappear altogether. Perhaps the Greeks are
Haven to pay for the misery of the crossing from one to the other, i ready to defy the want of small change, in consideration of the great
Engadine.—Because the company of malades imaginaires is not j change they have made in uniting five heads of faction in one

particularly enlivening, and that of malades au grand serieux still
worse.

Florence.—Because nearly all the shops and all the hotels are
closed until the middle of October, and those that aren't ought
to be.

Genoa.—Because I can imagine a combination of Thames Street
and Pall Mall for myself without leaving London.

Heidelberg.—Because it is the favourite " 'aunt" of " 'Arrt."

Interlachen.—Because " too many Cooks spoil " a good many more
things than the broth, and I don't like "personally-conducted"
tourists.

Killarney— Because you will have to do the Lakes, and be done
by the hotel-keepers, guides, touts, toy-merchants, and goats'-milk
purveyors.

administration, under brave old Constantine Canaris.

a match miscalled.

Considering the style and number of the turn-outs on the ground,
and the amount of champagne-cups consumed at Lord's during the
Great Public School Cricket Encounter, suppose it were re-christened
the Drag and Drunken, instead of the Harrow and Eton Match ?

Title of Count of the Holt Roman Empire {if the Holy
Father wishes to acknowledge the services of Mr. Whalley).—
Count Out.