Punch (73.1877)

94 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 1, 1877.

"the way we had in the army."

Colonel (of the pre-Exammationperiod —to studious Sub). "I say, Youngster, you'll never make a SoLDisa if you don't mind

what you're about 1" Sub {mildly). " I should be sorry to think that, SlR !"

Colonel. "I saw you sneaking up the High Street yesterday, looking like a Methodist Parson in reduced Circum-
stances!—Hold up your Head, Sir! Boy a Stick, Sir! Slap your Leg, Sir! And stare at the Girls at the "Windows!"

as to say, " Do talk, do join and relieve me, I'm sure I'd much
rather talk to you than him, and if you begin perhaps he '11 go."

As the Poet and the Composer, early next day, express a very
favourable opinion of Mrs. Buddermer, I wonder if they felt this
attrait as well as myself.

"Mr. Boodels has no Lawn Tennis ground here, has he?" she
observes, as a chance to me.

" No, he hasn't. Do you play, Mrs. Buddemer ? " I ask.

" A little. I began it last year."

" You don't play, do you p" breaks in Mixburd to me, loudly and
rudely. He has had his innings; why can't he let me have mine ?
I feel a presentiment that he intends saying something objectionable
so as to make me appear ridiculous before Mrs. Buddermer. These
are his tactics invariably.

" Not much," I reply, and am going on to talk to Mrs. Bud-
dermer on more interesting subjects, when Milburd laughs loudly,
and says—

" You ought to play regularly two hours a day. That would fine
you down a bit. Ha! ha! ha!"

If I retorted that " While I was playing Lawn Tennis he ought to
go to school and learn manners," he would reply, " Well, you teach
me—you 're old enough." And I should be obliged to take it all
good-temperedly, although if for this sort of thing I could, with
moral and physical safety to myself, call Milburd out into the
garden, now, on the spot, and shoot him, I would. I don't mean to
say that I feel sanguinary and revengeful, but I should just like to
shoot him sufficiently to give him a lesson ; and I feel that if every
one could shoot Milburd whenever he was rudely personal, he
would soon be stopped without being destroyed, and Society would
be considerably the gainer.

The dinner-gong fortunately sounds at this moment. Pogmore
has to escort Miss Buddermer, who is small, with light frizzy hair,
and a pair of eye-glasses which she is perpetually using. She is a
sharp, quick taLker, and is far older in manner than her step-
mother.

Mr. Buddermer is portentous. He is bald. On the strength of

this he is accredited with intellectual superiority. Milburd says
"he is a very clear-headed man," but explains that he alludes to
the absence of hair. He has a philosophic beard, and if in classic
drapery, would be an excellent model for Mr. Poynter, or Mr. Alma
Tadema. He is opinionated, and argumentative. He reads every-
thing, and apparently learns leading articles off by heart. He is
impervious to Milburd's jokes. He is one of those nuisances who
will read the newspaper aloud to you at breakfast. He is down first
(that we found out on the morning after his arrival), and seizes the
Times, leaving only the advertisement portion on the table. He
destroys everyone's enjoyment of the news of the day by telling it
us beforehand, picking out bits here and there, prefacing them
with such exclamations as " Dear me ! " " Only imagine ! " Bless
my soul!" or "That's very remarkable!" or "That's very
strange!" in order to induce someone to ask him! " What's very
strangeP"." What's very remarkable?" and so forth, when he
invariably reads the paragraph aloud in the most impressive
manner.

If (as happens after an experience of three mornings) no one takes
any notice of him, he begins, " There's a bad accident at Doddle-
brook Junction "—and then reads it; or he observes, "I don't
think a Magistrate is justified in saying "—then comes the Police
News. Mtxburd does the state some service at the close of the
fourth breakfast by saying, " I wish you'd keep that to yourself!
You 're so confidential! Ha! ha ! ha! ha! "

Mr. Buddermer the Bald (the Poet calls him "Baldest the
Beautiful") takes the hint and the paper; with which he dis-
appears every morning, and there is the greatest difficulty in finding
it again. This is his revenge.

The Bald One is now vice-chairman of the hospitable board at
Boodels.

mars and his staff.

The two newly-discovered satellites of Mars have been christened
General Routine and General Red Tape.