Punch (73.1877)

September 15, 1877.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

117

A NOTE OF WARNING.

earing in mind
the approaching
arrival in this
country of that
celebrated Mon-
ument of Anti-
quity, the Egyp-
tian Obelisk,
known as '' Cleo-
patra's Needle,"
Mr. Punch de-
sires to give
timely and dis-
tinct notice to
all those persons
whom a long and
bitter expe-
rience forewarns
him are already
meditating to
overwhelm him
with their play-
ful contribu-
tions, that it is
his inflexible de-
termination to
exclude from his
columns all and
sji n g u 1 a r of
the following
(amongst a host
of others) essays
and attempts at
w|it and] hu-
mour :—

Any abuse and maltreatment of the common adjective needless.
Any allusion to Egyptian Hall.

Any suggestion to Mr. Punch to give an eye to the Needle.

Any such words and phrases (having evident reference to the
Needle)—as point, pointed, pointless, coming to the point, the point
of the joke, the point in question, the thread of the story, threading
a way through the crowd, &c.

Any jests founded on " the Needles."

Any opinions to the effect that there is not a pin to choose between
the various sites proposed, but that perhaps, on the whole, Thread-
needle Street would be the most proper place.

Any indication of a design to drag in the Commissioners of
Sewers.

Any such intricate reference to the country from which the
Needle comes as is implied in the hope that it will meet with its
deserts in its new home.

Any suggestion that it ought to be protected from the weather,
the climate, the street boys, &c.—obviously only put forth as an
artful device for introducing a Needle-case.

Any proposition that if there are engineering difficulties about the
transport of the Needle, a number of the best sewing machines
should be employed.

Any expressions of disappointment at the size or'appearance of
the Needle, finding vent in the terse criticism that it is only " So-
so," or perhaps reviving the ancient vulgarism that it is " All my
Eye." y

Should his intending Correspondents feel that they must unburden
themselves to some sympathetic soul, Mr. Punch would suggest to
them to pass him over for this once, and to communicate instead,
with the Authors of the next Christmas Pantomimes and Burlesques.

A YARN OR A FACT?

Vulgar Credulity_ will jump, and Vulgar Incredulity laugh, at
an announcement which has appeared in the papers respecting—

"The Great Sea Serpent.—"With a view of encouraging a closer
observation than has hitherto been afforded of any sea-monster which may-
appear from time to time, the authorities at the Admiralty have permitted
the publication in Land and Water of the official reports forwarded to them
by the Officers of Her Majesty's Yacht Osborne, in reference to the sea-
monster seen off Cape Yito in June last."

Here, however, we see that reports of the appearance of some-
thing surmised at least to be possibly the Sea Serpent have actually
been sent to the Admiralty by Naval Officers. Sailors now report
to their employers as matter-of-fact that which they would once
have recommended any narrator to tell to the Marines.'

PHRASES FOR THE PHILOSOPHIC.

" Strong language," very truly remarked Mr. Gladstone the
other day to some gentlemen from Tyldesley and Bedford Leigh,
" is not necessarily violent language," and a little later, on giving
vent to an expression of opinion somewhat emphatically, he added,
" that is strong language, but it is not violent language, because it
is exactly measured to the circumstances to which it applies."

No better definition of the legitimate scope and limit of strong
language could possibly be given, but as there is not unfrequently
some difficulty experienced by the most self-restrained in " exactly
measuring" their words "to the circumstances to which they
apply," the following neat little ready-made phrases, as likely to be
in common request, may perhaps be found useful to the beginner : —

On Putting on a Pair of Tight Boots.

"Really these boots are extremely uncomfortable, though, no
doubt, my bootmaker is an excellent and worthy man, who works
conscientiously and laboriously for the benefit of his wife and large
family, still 1 should like to make him walk fifty-five miles and
back in these boots, and I am disposed to let him recover their cost
from me, if he can, through the County Court."

On having to take an Unattractive Doivager to Dinner.

"I admit aged people are a necessity, but why cannot an old woman,
who must be seventy if she is a day, dine at home ? I like the Skiff -
ingtons, but why do they arrange their table so unwisely, placing
that talkative fool with a heavy moustache near to Connt Tea vers ?
Really, it would serve the Skiffingtons right were the floor to open
suddenly and swallow us up, dinner and all. I wish it would."

On being run over by a Bicycle.

"Exercise is a wholesome and enjoyable thing, and nothing is
prettier in its way than a bevy of bicycles going at full speed along
a smooth road. I think I might have belonged to a Club myself had
I not been knocked down and seriously injured on the ancle, to say
nothing of damage to my hat and coat with mud by this rather mis-
managed machine in which I am now entangled in the gutter. I
have no personal quarrel with the owner, but were he to be put upon
his trial for murder at the Old Bailey, I should receive the news
with considerable satisfaction."

On having the Gate shut in your Face as you just Miss a Train at
one of the Metropolitan Stations.

"Punctuality is, without a question, the soul of business, and
nothing can be more commendable than the unswerving precision
with which that ticket-inspector has just slammed the barrier he
guards in my pathway. Still, he has left me shut in this gloomy
passage to watch the progress of the departing train, and his indiffer-
ence to my position is so unamiable that I have half a mind to report
him up-stairs, in the hope that he may be dismissed by his
superiors and ruined. At any rate, I regret that he did not jam his
finger severely with his violence."

On Meeting an Obstructive on a Staircase.

" This is not at all an uninteresting adventure, for nothing in its
way can be more instructive than the firmness and perseverance
which, withstanding all argument and entreaty, often block the
public way, to the serious inconvenience of others. Still, as it is my
wish and intention to go up-stairs, I consider that I shall act wisely
in throwing this man, without further ado, over the balusters."

On arriving from one of the Channel Boats at Folkestone after a

Rough Passage.

" It is extremely pleasant, after the disagreeable experiences that
have been furnished me by the last two hours and a half that I have
spent on this steamboat, to meet with a crowd of one's fellow-
countrymen who are evidently not only in the best of spirits, but
deeply interested in one's condition. At the same time, in the absence
of any local policeman or other official to take them all into custody
as rogues and vagabonds, I should immensely like, had I only the
strength to wield it, to be let loose among them with a large horse-
whip.

On Reading another Holiday Speech of Mr. Gladstone.

"Well, this is very admirable in its way, and full of excellent
copy-book headings and fine old platitudes. But, as I make it a
rule to get through the whole of the Times daily, I wish that not
quite so many people would insist on having a speech two columns
in length whenever they happen to come in sight of the terrace at
Hawarden."

articled glebes.
The Clergy should be distinguished as " Thirty-Nine-Articled
Clerks."