Punch (73.1877)

October 13, 1877.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

165

for the million, and something as instructive as interesting for our
Sunday subscribers."
" Good," said I.

" Very good," she replied, smiling. Then we all smiled.
After this intellectual refreshment, the Lady resumed,

" You have in your paper, Sir,-"

" Excuse me," I interrupted.

•J I quite understand, Sir," she continued. " In the paper whose

Editor you—JEditore absento-"

" Hear, hear ! " from the two Gentlemen and myself.

-"You represent" (I bowed), "there has never appeared a

k exhibiting Life in the Provincial Districts—Life in the North,
„h the real dialect of the Northern provinces as it is spoken by
local yokel."

'; True," I observed, thoughtfully, for I was struck by her remarks.

" We," she said, extending her hand towards the two Gentlemen,
and then lightly touching them with her umbrella as they were
showing symptoms of drowsiness, " have a Novel, a strictly proper,
highly'moral, virtuous Novel, equally fitted for the domestic circle,
the club, or the boudoir; written chiefly in the dialect of the North,
and exhibiting the life and manners and customs of the Mining
Population in their true light."

I must confer with my chief," I said.

" No, Sir," they cried in chorus, " you must decide note."

And down went her umbrella on the floor.

I observed that I could not venture to pronounce an opinion, as I
was no judge of Northern dialect.

But your Editor w," they cried. " He will know that our work
is'true to nature."

Then they all three spoke in Northern dialect! I thought they'd
have brought the house down. Marvellous ! Awful! Then they
showed me pictures! such pictures ! women with torches going
down into mines! murders! explosions!! wonderful escapes!!!

They whispered the terms in my ear. The Lady stood before me,
her beautiful hair dishevelled ; the men held me, one on either side,
while above waved her umbrella.

* m * * * * *

_ I will not dwell longer on this painful scene. I succumbed. I
signed the deed in your name. I agreed. Tf it turns out wrong, pity
me, and forgive. _ They delivered their MS., which I sent at once to
the printer's. If it turns out all right, send for me and congratulate.

I have gone to stay with my grandmother on the East Coast. Addio.

******

V* Editor's Note.—The agreement having been entered into in
our name by our weak and compromising Representative, we find,
ourselves bound to produce this dialect Novel, but we have distinctly
reserved to ourselves the right of disputing the accuracy of the spell-
ing, and of the local colouring, on the truthfulness of which the New
Provincial Novel Company, Limited, has staked its reputation.

P.S.—If successful, all Dramatic Rights are Reserved.

The first chapter of the Novel by the New Provincial Novel Company,
Limited (but how it can be a Company when there are only three in
it tee don't understand, as "two's company three's none") will
appear next week, entitled

THAT LASS 0 TOWERY 'S!

The Authors explain the title as a real specimen of dialect. They
say that the story will justify the title, the heroine, as will be seen
from the first chapter, being above the usual stature, towers above
the others, and so is spoken of in the dialect of that particular
county as a " Towery lass." The sentence, in full and plain
English, reads thus:—"That Lass who is so Towery {i.e., tall)," or
" That Lass who so Towery (or tall) is," and rendered into San-
gileshire language it becomes, as written, " That Lass so Towery is,"
or, as pronounced colloquially, " That Lass 'o Towery's."

t*»* This the Authors consider a sufficiently satisfactory explanation. Of
course we are not prepared at this early stage to dispute about the correctness
of this assertion of theirs. Perhaps we have never been in the part of the
country where they speak like this: and, by the way, the Authors haven't
said what part of the country it is, "Where is Sangileshire ? We will write
and ask.—Ed.]

WOLVES IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING.

'ukhtar Pasha has
issued a manifesto,
in which his fol-
lowers are requested to
treat the Russians with
kindness. On no conside-
ration whatever are
the Turks to muti-
late the dead. "Do
not torture and kill
the wounded," says
M ukhtar, address-
ing his " children,"
"and do not pur-
sue fugitives to
slaughter them."
This excellent ad-
vice, coming from
such a quarter, will
probably cause a
number of procla-
mations of a similar
character to be pub-
lished, and Mr.
Punch will not in
the least be sur-
prised if he is called
upon to note the fol-
lowing :—

Berlin.

Countrymen,
You owe your
existence as a nation
to the destruction of
French power. Sedan and Metz united Germany for ever. So long
as we are stronger than France, so long as we can maintain our
frontiers, and keep Strasbourg, we are safe. But it is a good thing
to be generous. Therefore, oh my countrymen, pour all your gold
into French coffers, and do your best to unlearn vour military duties.
This is a beautiful theory, but perhaps, after all, it will be as well
if you do not reduce it to practice. You understand me, and I
understand you. {Signed) Bismarck.

Frenchmen, Paris.
I believe that only a Republic can save France. I am the
Republic, and, therefore, I only can save France. M. Gambetta

represents all that is bad. He would lead you into destruction.
Still it is good to be trustful, and shows a nature without guile.
Follow, then, oh my dear Frenchmen, M. Gambetta, and, when
you have followed him, do not hoot him much, and pray (I implore
you) do not subject him to unnecessary violence. Do you not know
that much hooting is rude, and savage violence unkind ? Be consi-
derate, then, with M. Gambetta, and treat him rather better than
he deserves. {Signed) MacMahon.

My Children, Some Distance from the Front.

Fight bravely and fiercely, but do not kill more Turks than
you think really sufficient. Do not bayonet the dead, because this
practice sadly deranges the uniforms. Prisoners, too, should never
be shot when they can be properly guarded. Should this reach [you
when you are dying in the ditches, remember that I am safe and
sound and really very comfortable. When you remember this, your
last moments will pass away in peace. {Signed) Alexander.

Pals, Seven Dials.

Look 'ere. In these 'ere days of what the nobs call civili-
sation we ought to be moving with the rest of 'em. If in the way of
business you 'ave to smash in a skull or two, do it gently. Don't
you use no unnecessary wiolence. I know it costs a deal, but, when
you can, take my advice and use chloroform. AVhen the walue of the
expected swag will run to it, in course. Chloroform makes 'em
kick the bucket so much more heasier. Twig ?

{Signed) Bill Sikes.

My dear Friends and Customers, Capel Court.

Believe me we have all been wrong. For many years we
have been cheating one another and the general public. This is to
be greatly regretted, and I must advise you all to turn over new
leaves. In future be fair and honest in all your dealings. I may
add, that you need not send any replies to me at the above address,
as I am on the eve of inaugurating a magnificent speculation, which
may necessitate my hasty departure (at any moment) for Spain, or
at least Boulogne. The police are nowadays so very officious.

{Signed) Jeremy Diddler.

On the Other Side of the Styx.
My Devoted and Distinguished Followers,

I have seen all your addresses, from Mukhtar Pasha
upwards and downwards, and strongly approve of them. Believe
me that it is naughty to be naughty, and good to be good. If you
stop at that point (and I see that that is your intention), take my
word for it that the present excellent understanding which exists
between me and. you will run no chance of being disturbed. Perse-
vere, my dear followers. Good intentions furnish, in my eyes, a
better pavement than either wood or asphalte.

{Signed) Mephistof-hiles.