Punch (73.1877)

no PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [October 20, 1877.

CONCLUSIVE.

Lodger, "I i-etkct rathfr a disagreeable Fmfll in the Hoisf, Mi.s.
Jones. Are "you sure th« Drains-"

Welsh Landlady. " Otr, ir can't rb the Drain.1--, Sir, whatever. There
ark none, Sir ! ! "

PATS APPEAL.

" My visit to Ireland will be purely private and personal.'
Letter of Mr. Gladstone.

And is it yourself that would thry it ?

Ah, shure no ! It was niver your choice
To see the ould land—thin deny it

The foine sound of your iloquent voice !

For they say you've a rare power o' spakin,—
That your mouth isn't asy to shut,—

That, 'side you, Parnell's palthry and snakin,—
That ye'd make smithereens of ould Butt '.

Ah! shure if you 're half sich a erature,
And thim boys have described you aroight,

Your spakin must be a nate fature —
Fit to plase us as much as a f'uight!

But we've heard that you're goin to Killarney,
—Here and there—jist to see for yourself !

'Tisu't thrue now ! Come, none of your blarney !
No, you don't mane to stay on the shelf.

For shure aren't we willin to greet ye ?

Do we see ye now ivery day ?
Come—when boys are so sthrivin to meet ye,

"Why, bedad, you '11 find somethin to say !

So dhrop all them Astern suggestions ;

Give yourself now an iligant rest;
And there's plinty and plmty o' questions

Jist as burnin and hot in the West!

Thin give us a nod to imply it,
Jist to say it was niver your choice

To see the ould land—thin deny it

The foine sound of your iloquent voice !

The Church Congress.

Scene—GlapKam Junction.

First Passenger. Been at Croydon?
Second Passenger. Yes.

First Passenger. What is going on this evening?
Second Passe?iger. Oh, there is "Intemperance" in
one room, and " Public Amusements" in the other !

A GOOD DAY'S WORK.

(Extracted from the Diary of an eminent Humanitarian.)

Monday.—Rose early, after a disturbed night. Slumbers inter-
rupted by insectal intruders. Caught eleven specimens, just to
confute the landlady, who disputed their existence. Drowned them
all in rosewater. Debated whether I did rightly to deprive them of
their liberty. May not proud man compassionate the meanest thing
that crawls ?

While dressing, reflected on the dangers attending early rising,
evinced by the sad fate of the weak little worm which the early
bird devours. Might not help, by means of scarecrows, be devised
for the poor victim ?

Ate a hearty breakfast of hot buttered toast and bacon, in order
to gain strength for the great labours of the day. Wrote a couple
of letters to my newspaper, the Daily Twaddler—{1) Advocating
the supply of hot sausages for supper to prisoners condemned for
assaulting the police ; and (2) suggesting the propriety of starting a
society to provide for the relief of poor afflicted widowers, who,
goaded by the curse of drunkenness, have kicked their wives to
death.

At ten received a deputation from the wiseacres of Foolsborough,
who wished to talk about the wrongs of the British Working Man.
Promised to present a petition to the Government, praying that all
wages should be raised by Act of Parliament to ten shillings a day;
and that, to prevent the desecration of the Sabbath, all places of
amusement, except publichouses, should be absolutely closed.

At noon took a short walk, to invigorate my intellect after its
past efforts, and to procure a healthy appetite for the steak and
score of oysters which, with careful foresight, I had ordered for my
lunch. Meditated, as I strolled along, upon the miseries of monkeys
when enchained to barrel-organs. Poor creatures ! What must be
their suffering, if they have any ear for music ? And surely it were
cruel to assume that they have none. Reflected, likewise, upon

oysters, and the horrible barbarity of opening them alive. If the
painful operation were performed under chloroform, would there be
any bad taste given to the savour of the fish ? Must write to the
Lancet, to propound this weighty point.

3 p.m.—After a delicious and most leisurely repast, followed by a
smoke and forty winks of wholesome sleep, I felt strengthened for
my speech at the great meeting on behalf of the young burglars
who, although convicted on the very clearest evidence, have been
brutally condemned to the confinement of a gaol. A vote of want of
confidence in our present jury system was most clamorously carried,
and a subscription for supplying the poor sufferers with tobacco,
and some tracts to read on Sundays, was started with success.

While walking home, I caught some little urchins in the act of
catching sticklebacks with the aid of crooked pins. I boxed their
ears soundly, and broke their rods and fishing-bottles. A Stickle-
back Protection Act is certainly much needed. The tegis of the law
is now a safeguard to the Salmon, and should, in common fairness,
be extended to the Stickleback, and even to the Shrimp.

Having weighty work before me, I could spare scant time for
dinner : my frugal meal consisting of some soup, a bit of fish, a
slice of beef, and half a goose. Is it true that geese are made ten-
derer by being plucked alive ? This is an important public question,
and should be decided by some practical experiments.

Under the influence of the walnuts, which, when washed down
with old Madeira, usefully excite my organ of benevolence, I con-
ceived two noble schemes of practical philanthropy : namely, first
to start a fund for giving cough lozenges to lamplighters; and,
secondly, to set on foot a Cabmen's Anti-Chilblain Mutual Assurance
Company for supplying them with foot-warmers and fur-lined
winter gloves.

Then to the soiree of Anti-Yivisectionists, where I proposed a reso-
lution that, in order to prevent all unnecessary bloodshed, nobody
should be allowed to shave himself, excepting in the presence of a
doctor duly qualified ; and that nobody without the aid of proper
anaesthetics should ever be permitted to cut any of his friends.