DOI Heft:
January 31, 1880
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17763#0048
40
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[January 31, 1880.
one with the least imagination the words call np visions of desolate
homes, weeping widows, rained industries, and starving orphans!
So terrible a scourge is war, that although Chili may have been
thoroughly in the right, although treaties may have been broken,
and defiance hurled by Peru, still it is her duty to make peace on
any terms—I repeat, on any terms.
At the same time, '"any terms,” is rather a large phrase, and so
that there may be no mistake, I jot down the basis of an agreement
which I would suggest should be signed immediately.
1. Peace to be made between Chili and Peru at once.
2. Chili being the conqueror, to consent to all the demands of Peru.
Noblesse oblige.
3. Chili to undertake never to go to war again.
4. Chili to increase her taxes and reduce her expenditure.
5. Both countries to disarm, and the Chilian Fleet to be sold for
the benefit of the world.
6. {And most important of all). Chili to become directly respon-
sible for debts owing to foreigners by Peru.
This, Sir, I submit would be a satisfactory conclusion to the
heart-rending war now ravaging the most productive portion of
South America!
As an earnest of the thorough disinterestedness of my advice, 1 beg
to sign myself, Yours respectfully,
A Peruvian Bondholder.
Reynard's Retreat, Slyfoxbury.
A SONG OF ST. AL3AN’S.
G‘
ood people, friends,
and fellows of sym-
pathetic soul,
Take pity on the sorrows
of a Bishop in the hole.
A Schismatic to plighted
vows unfaithful and
untrue
Defies and disobeys me—
and I know not what
to do.
A Clerk in Holy Orders,
with a craze for Bomish
rites,
Persists in burning in-
cense, lighting up for-
bidden lights,
Striking attitudes illegal,
wearing vestments con-
traband,
Flyingin Lord Penzance's
face, and the teeth of my
command.
The Arches’ Court admonished him—he didn’t care a straw,
And now he stands suspended, but he still contemns the law.
Continuing to play the Priest, in pseudo-popish trim. _
Though he commit contempt of Court, the Court commits not him.
Because one fool makes many—fools are constituted so—
And of all fools, fools made martyrs in their wake make others go,
If I wished our mimic Mass-Priests with the Public to prevail,
I’d say—“ Send yonder simious sacerdotalist to gaol.”
To mandate of suspension I by force could make him bow.
But then, you see, 1 daren’t do that for fear there ’d be a row;
They want to start another suit; though, if condemned once more,
He’ll treat Law’s brutum fulmen as serenely as before.
The tinkle of that bell-wether misleading I must brook,
And let him with his errant flock elude the shepherd’s crook ;
Though a queer sheep’s this, whose kicking against the pricks reveals
More of the long-eared animal that spurns rebuke with heels.
Or his emblem seeking rather in the stye than in the fold,
Best type of this obstructive in its pachyderm behold.
Pig-headed, he lacks logic, or persuasions pushing home,
He had gone the whole hog long ago from England’s Church to Home.
But now he is his private Pope ; no Bishop he ’ll obey:
Non possurnus he answers when bid put his pranks away;
No episcopal superior can make him turn a hair,
The more Law pegs away at him the more he doesn’t care!
Latest from Birmingham.—Our Deform Club has commenced.
MONOPOLY.
Government Drama, in Two Acts—not yet licensed.
ACT I.
“ The telegraphs were given over to the Post-Office in February, 1870, not
for the advantage of the department, but solely for the good of the community
at large.”—Daily Taper.
Scene—The neighbourhood of a Public Department in 1870.
Enter Unprotected Briton, pursued by Demons of Private Enterprise.
Unprotected, Briton {flourishing a written dispatch). I tell you 1
want to send it to Slocum-in-the-Slush.
First Demon. Do you ? Then you may take it there yourself.
Second Demon. Bather ! How do you think we can afford to lay
lines wherever you like ’em, eh ? \They dance round him.
Unprotected Briton. Nay, harass me not! I only know this is
preposterous, and that I shall write to the Times. But, will no one
help me ?
Gong. The Spirit of Paternal Government appears in a blaze
of limelight.
Spirit of Paternal Government. I will! {The Demons cower.)
There is no limit either to my benevolence or to my banking account.
See, you can now send your message to Slocum-in-the-Slush for the
charge of one shilling!
[ Waves his wand. New lines ramify in all directions. The
Unprotected Briton kneels in grateful wonder.
Demons of Private Enterprise. Ha ! ha! But a day will come !
\_Exeunt down traps in red fire.
Spirit of Paternal Government. Possibly. But for the moment
there do not exist two more blithe and contented individuals than
the Spirit of Paternal Government-
Unprotected Briton. And his new protege, the Protected Briton !
Tableau. Act-drop.
ACT II.
“ The present claim of the Post-Office is nothing less than an attempt to
stand between the public and the full utilisation and enjoyment of a great
scientific improvement.”—Daily Taper.
Scene—The Premises of a new Scientific Company, in 1880.
Enter Protected Briton, pursued by the Demon of
Paternal Government.
Protected Briton {seizing mouthpiece of ingenious apparatus). But
I tell thee, persecuting Fiend, I will communicate with Wapping by
this excellent arrangement! And not even thy grasping monopoly
shall stay me. See, it leaves thy clumsy, old-fashioned, halting
machinery nowhere !
[Endeavours to conduct a conversation through it.
Demon of Paternal Government {dragging him away). Not a word,
minion, shall you utter, except through me. Success has made me
proud. Say that I take two hours to transmit your nine words to
the other side of Billingsgate. What of that ? You are my crea-
ture—my slave. Ha! ha! After Eight p.m., try to communicate
with—even Chelsea, and see what comes of it!
Protected Briton. Mocking monster, thy rule is o’er ! Behold,—
these are my new friends ; and they will help me !
The Scene opens and discloses the Angels of Private Enterprise
descending in a silvery shower of Prospectuses.
First Angel of Private Enterprise. Certainly, and we hope to
make a good thing of this. The divine light of science can never be
quenched for mere fiscal considerations.
Second Angel of Private Enterprise. Never! especially when a
great public interest is to be considered, and a handsome dividend
expected.
Protected Briton. Benevolent beings, charge me, ultimately,
what you will! To-day, at least, I am yours.
Demon of Paternal Government (seizing him). Never! Ten years
ago you signed this irrefragable compact with me {produces Act oj
Parliament). Come. You are mine !
Angels of Private Enterprise. Walker ! Compel him, if you can.
Demon of Paternal Government. I will, with this ! {Waves hand.
An Attorney-General springs up through a Vampire-trap.) See,
my attendant spirit is about to wage an appeal for an interim in-
junction in the Exchequer Division. Ha! ha! And now,—do your
worst!
[ Tableau. Angels of Private Enterprise consulting a Solicitor.
Protected Briton writing to the Times. Curtain.
“ Hze Nugje Seria Ducunt tn Mala ” {freely translated by Our
School-boy at home for the holidays.)—“Castor oil follows Christmas
trike. ”
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[January 31, 1880.
one with the least imagination the words call np visions of desolate
homes, weeping widows, rained industries, and starving orphans!
So terrible a scourge is war, that although Chili may have been
thoroughly in the right, although treaties may have been broken,
and defiance hurled by Peru, still it is her duty to make peace on
any terms—I repeat, on any terms.
At the same time, '"any terms,” is rather a large phrase, and so
that there may be no mistake, I jot down the basis of an agreement
which I would suggest should be signed immediately.
1. Peace to be made between Chili and Peru at once.
2. Chili being the conqueror, to consent to all the demands of Peru.
Noblesse oblige.
3. Chili to undertake never to go to war again.
4. Chili to increase her taxes and reduce her expenditure.
5. Both countries to disarm, and the Chilian Fleet to be sold for
the benefit of the world.
6. {And most important of all). Chili to become directly respon-
sible for debts owing to foreigners by Peru.
This, Sir, I submit would be a satisfactory conclusion to the
heart-rending war now ravaging the most productive portion of
South America!
As an earnest of the thorough disinterestedness of my advice, 1 beg
to sign myself, Yours respectfully,
A Peruvian Bondholder.
Reynard's Retreat, Slyfoxbury.
A SONG OF ST. AL3AN’S.
G‘
ood people, friends,
and fellows of sym-
pathetic soul,
Take pity on the sorrows
of a Bishop in the hole.
A Schismatic to plighted
vows unfaithful and
untrue
Defies and disobeys me—
and I know not what
to do.
A Clerk in Holy Orders,
with a craze for Bomish
rites,
Persists in burning in-
cense, lighting up for-
bidden lights,
Striking attitudes illegal,
wearing vestments con-
traband,
Flyingin Lord Penzance's
face, and the teeth of my
command.
The Arches’ Court admonished him—he didn’t care a straw,
And now he stands suspended, but he still contemns the law.
Continuing to play the Priest, in pseudo-popish trim. _
Though he commit contempt of Court, the Court commits not him.
Because one fool makes many—fools are constituted so—
And of all fools, fools made martyrs in their wake make others go,
If I wished our mimic Mass-Priests with the Public to prevail,
I’d say—“ Send yonder simious sacerdotalist to gaol.”
To mandate of suspension I by force could make him bow.
But then, you see, 1 daren’t do that for fear there ’d be a row;
They want to start another suit; though, if condemned once more,
He’ll treat Law’s brutum fulmen as serenely as before.
The tinkle of that bell-wether misleading I must brook,
And let him with his errant flock elude the shepherd’s crook ;
Though a queer sheep’s this, whose kicking against the pricks reveals
More of the long-eared animal that spurns rebuke with heels.
Or his emblem seeking rather in the stye than in the fold,
Best type of this obstructive in its pachyderm behold.
Pig-headed, he lacks logic, or persuasions pushing home,
He had gone the whole hog long ago from England’s Church to Home.
But now he is his private Pope ; no Bishop he ’ll obey:
Non possurnus he answers when bid put his pranks away;
No episcopal superior can make him turn a hair,
The more Law pegs away at him the more he doesn’t care!
Latest from Birmingham.—Our Deform Club has commenced.
MONOPOLY.
Government Drama, in Two Acts—not yet licensed.
ACT I.
“ The telegraphs were given over to the Post-Office in February, 1870, not
for the advantage of the department, but solely for the good of the community
at large.”—Daily Taper.
Scene—The neighbourhood of a Public Department in 1870.
Enter Unprotected Briton, pursued by Demons of Private Enterprise.
Unprotected, Briton {flourishing a written dispatch). I tell you 1
want to send it to Slocum-in-the-Slush.
First Demon. Do you ? Then you may take it there yourself.
Second Demon. Bather ! How do you think we can afford to lay
lines wherever you like ’em, eh ? \They dance round him.
Unprotected Briton. Nay, harass me not! I only know this is
preposterous, and that I shall write to the Times. But, will no one
help me ?
Gong. The Spirit of Paternal Government appears in a blaze
of limelight.
Spirit of Paternal Government. I will! {The Demons cower.)
There is no limit either to my benevolence or to my banking account.
See, you can now send your message to Slocum-in-the-Slush for the
charge of one shilling!
[ Waves his wand. New lines ramify in all directions. The
Unprotected Briton kneels in grateful wonder.
Demons of Private Enterprise. Ha ! ha! But a day will come !
\_Exeunt down traps in red fire.
Spirit of Paternal Government. Possibly. But for the moment
there do not exist two more blithe and contented individuals than
the Spirit of Paternal Government-
Unprotected Briton. And his new protege, the Protected Briton !
Tableau. Act-drop.
ACT II.
“ The present claim of the Post-Office is nothing less than an attempt to
stand between the public and the full utilisation and enjoyment of a great
scientific improvement.”—Daily Taper.
Scene—The Premises of a new Scientific Company, in 1880.
Enter Protected Briton, pursued by the Demon of
Paternal Government.
Protected Briton {seizing mouthpiece of ingenious apparatus). But
I tell thee, persecuting Fiend, I will communicate with Wapping by
this excellent arrangement! And not even thy grasping monopoly
shall stay me. See, it leaves thy clumsy, old-fashioned, halting
machinery nowhere !
[Endeavours to conduct a conversation through it.
Demon of Paternal Government {dragging him away). Not a word,
minion, shall you utter, except through me. Success has made me
proud. Say that I take two hours to transmit your nine words to
the other side of Billingsgate. What of that ? You are my crea-
ture—my slave. Ha! ha! After Eight p.m., try to communicate
with—even Chelsea, and see what comes of it!
Protected Briton. Mocking monster, thy rule is o’er ! Behold,—
these are my new friends ; and they will help me !
The Scene opens and discloses the Angels of Private Enterprise
descending in a silvery shower of Prospectuses.
First Angel of Private Enterprise. Certainly, and we hope to
make a good thing of this. The divine light of science can never be
quenched for mere fiscal considerations.
Second Angel of Private Enterprise. Never! especially when a
great public interest is to be considered, and a handsome dividend
expected.
Protected Briton. Benevolent beings, charge me, ultimately,
what you will! To-day, at least, I am yours.
Demon of Paternal Government (seizing him). Never! Ten years
ago you signed this irrefragable compact with me {produces Act oj
Parliament). Come. You are mine !
Angels of Private Enterprise. Walker ! Compel him, if you can.
Demon of Paternal Government. I will, with this ! {Waves hand.
An Attorney-General springs up through a Vampire-trap.) See,
my attendant spirit is about to wage an appeal for an interim in-
junction in the Exchequer Division. Ha! ha! And now,—do your
worst!
[ Tableau. Angels of Private Enterprise consulting a Solicitor.
Protected Briton writing to the Times. Curtain.
“ Hze Nugje Seria Ducunt tn Mala ” {freely translated by Our
School-boy at home for the holidays.)—“Castor oil follows Christmas
trike. ”