DOI issue:
January 6, 1883
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17754#0019
January 6, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
11
THOUGHTS ON THE NEW PRIMATE.
W. E. G. Should have liked Church or
Liddon. But what’s the use of thinking
of it ? Benson safe, and respectable.
Any Bishop. Benson ? Really, I think
there has been a slight want of discrimina-
tion.
Several Deans. Shows poverty of inven-
tion always to select Primate from the
Episcopal Bench.
The High Church School. Now we shall
have the Church “ as by Laud established.”
The Low Church Party. We feel Ryled.
The Broad Church Ditto. Wonder if he’s
ever read Tyndaul or Huxley F
Spurgeon. Ah, well, what’s the odds so
long as they ’re happy ?
Dean of St. Paul's. If those newspapers
hadn’t said I had been appointed, 1 do
believe I should have been offered it.
Old Wellington Boys. Won’t the Curates
catch it now ? Oh, no !
FOG ON THE BRAIN.
Fogs, that have lately smirched the sky,
And turned, ofttimes, onr day to night,
Ye London Fogs, inform us why
You ’re yellow, some, and others white.
The Fogs are deaf, the Fogs are dumb,
But each Professor, prompt, replies,
“ Fogs, white, of Nature simply come ;
But London smoke Fog yellow dyes.”
What makes the Fog, then, white one day,
But turns it yellow on the next,
Smoke equal, either ? Sages say,
And clear the mind by Fog perplext.
The Civic Festive Season.—Dinner at
the Mansion House :—A substantial repast
of real turtle-soup, fish, flesh, fowl, and
innumerable other delicacies, besides the
good old English Christmas fare, roast-
beef and plum-pudding.
Visitor. “Obt, ho ! Here you are ! Found you out ! "What a snug little Den !”
Recluse (chuckling). “ Yes, here I am, with my Pictures and my Books ; and here I Financial Reform.—Begins at home
can sir and Read all day long, and Nobody a bit the wiser!” with every financier not a fool.
Foreign Office at tenpence an hour, and supply His Highness with
copies of any secret despatch that may be given to me to be copied.
Should my proposal be “ declined with thanks,” take a top-floor in
St. James’s Street, and start a new institution to be called “The
Senior Whites. and Boodles Club.” Collect Entrance Fees and First
Years’ Subscriptions, and wind up the affair as speedily as possible.
If I find these ideas a blank, write to my Cousins a circular letter
commencing, “ You are the only person in the world from whom I
would ask a favour,” soliciting pecuniary contributions.
August.—11th, Dog Days end. Get up a Canine Show, not under
the patronage of the Kennel Club. This should obtain the hearty
i support of hundreds of unsuccessful dog-breeders. Sell all the
exhibits to fanciers living abroad, and depart with the proceeds to
South America. 24th, St. Bartholomew. Suggests a hospital.
Obtain admission to one of these institutions, and, after I have been
there a fortnight, threaten the resident staff with exposure unless I
am fed with all the game presented to the patients by illustrious
sportsmen. If neither of these plans yield anything, write to the
richest Mr. Smith I can find, claiming relationship with him through
a recently deceased nobleman.
September.—9th, Sebastopol taken, 1855. Appeal to the public to
provide funds for a good dinner to be given to Crimean heroes.
When I have collected the contributions, dine with myself, having
failed to discover the warriors in question. Anything that may be
| over, devote to a “benevolent object,” remembering that “charity
I begins at home.” If I again find my ideas unproductive,
write to my dearest friend asking for my passage-money to Aus-
: tralia—and promising on my arrival at that distant colony to stay
| there.
October.—19th, Oxford Michaelmas Term begins. Go shares with
the President of any South American Republic to establish a new
University to be called by the same title as the Dark Blue School of
Learning. Then sell Degrees freely to anyone who will purchase
them. “ M.D.’s ” and “ D.D.’s ” should find a good market amongst
the ambitious but unlearned. If my coffers are still unfilled,
write to the best-known philanthropist I can remember, asking
for a donation, and promising to spend, half of his contribution in
advertising his bounty.
November.—9th, Lord Mayor's Day. Make a grand effort to
obtain something from the City. Offer to teach Aldermen when and
how to use the aspirate, in return for election to the post of Remem-
brancer. If I promise to regard the post as ornamental rather than
useful, I should have no difficulty in securing their suffrages. 26th,
Prince Tegk born. “ Teck ” suggests “ tick.” Start a Co-operative
Store on the credit system. Send circulars to the inmates of Colney
Hatch and Hanwell—from whom I may expect cordial support. If
I fail once more, write a letter (as a very last resource) to the Secre-
tary of the Charity Organisation Society.
December.—21si5, Shortest Day. Devote it to making up my gains
for the past year. No doubt i shall find plenty of time for this
probably purely honorary occupation. Lastly, to show that my
hopeful impudence has no bounds, enclose in a letter a contribution
to Mr. Punch—for his waste-paper basket—and ask to be paid for it!
SHELTER FOR THE STEED.
According to Galignani, one Herr Theodor Buhlmann, has
invented an umbrella for carriage-horses, called the Pferde-
parapluie. This parapluie also serves as a parasol, so as to protect
the horse from the sun, as well as to shield him from the showers,
and render him comfortable under the rein.
11
THOUGHTS ON THE NEW PRIMATE.
W. E. G. Should have liked Church or
Liddon. But what’s the use of thinking
of it ? Benson safe, and respectable.
Any Bishop. Benson ? Really, I think
there has been a slight want of discrimina-
tion.
Several Deans. Shows poverty of inven-
tion always to select Primate from the
Episcopal Bench.
The High Church School. Now we shall
have the Church “ as by Laud established.”
The Low Church Party. We feel Ryled.
The Broad Church Ditto. Wonder if he’s
ever read Tyndaul or Huxley F
Spurgeon. Ah, well, what’s the odds so
long as they ’re happy ?
Dean of St. Paul's. If those newspapers
hadn’t said I had been appointed, 1 do
believe I should have been offered it.
Old Wellington Boys. Won’t the Curates
catch it now ? Oh, no !
FOG ON THE BRAIN.
Fogs, that have lately smirched the sky,
And turned, ofttimes, onr day to night,
Ye London Fogs, inform us why
You ’re yellow, some, and others white.
The Fogs are deaf, the Fogs are dumb,
But each Professor, prompt, replies,
“ Fogs, white, of Nature simply come ;
But London smoke Fog yellow dyes.”
What makes the Fog, then, white one day,
But turns it yellow on the next,
Smoke equal, either ? Sages say,
And clear the mind by Fog perplext.
The Civic Festive Season.—Dinner at
the Mansion House :—A substantial repast
of real turtle-soup, fish, flesh, fowl, and
innumerable other delicacies, besides the
good old English Christmas fare, roast-
beef and plum-pudding.
Visitor. “Obt, ho ! Here you are ! Found you out ! "What a snug little Den !”
Recluse (chuckling). “ Yes, here I am, with my Pictures and my Books ; and here I Financial Reform.—Begins at home
can sir and Read all day long, and Nobody a bit the wiser!” with every financier not a fool.
Foreign Office at tenpence an hour, and supply His Highness with
copies of any secret despatch that may be given to me to be copied.
Should my proposal be “ declined with thanks,” take a top-floor in
St. James’s Street, and start a new institution to be called “The
Senior Whites. and Boodles Club.” Collect Entrance Fees and First
Years’ Subscriptions, and wind up the affair as speedily as possible.
If I find these ideas a blank, write to my Cousins a circular letter
commencing, “ You are the only person in the world from whom I
would ask a favour,” soliciting pecuniary contributions.
August.—11th, Dog Days end. Get up a Canine Show, not under
the patronage of the Kennel Club. This should obtain the hearty
i support of hundreds of unsuccessful dog-breeders. Sell all the
exhibits to fanciers living abroad, and depart with the proceeds to
South America. 24th, St. Bartholomew. Suggests a hospital.
Obtain admission to one of these institutions, and, after I have been
there a fortnight, threaten the resident staff with exposure unless I
am fed with all the game presented to the patients by illustrious
sportsmen. If neither of these plans yield anything, write to the
richest Mr. Smith I can find, claiming relationship with him through
a recently deceased nobleman.
September.—9th, Sebastopol taken, 1855. Appeal to the public to
provide funds for a good dinner to be given to Crimean heroes.
When I have collected the contributions, dine with myself, having
failed to discover the warriors in question. Anything that may be
| over, devote to a “benevolent object,” remembering that “charity
I begins at home.” If I again find my ideas unproductive,
write to my dearest friend asking for my passage-money to Aus-
: tralia—and promising on my arrival at that distant colony to stay
| there.
October.—19th, Oxford Michaelmas Term begins. Go shares with
the President of any South American Republic to establish a new
University to be called by the same title as the Dark Blue School of
Learning. Then sell Degrees freely to anyone who will purchase
them. “ M.D.’s ” and “ D.D.’s ” should find a good market amongst
the ambitious but unlearned. If my coffers are still unfilled,
write to the best-known philanthropist I can remember, asking
for a donation, and promising to spend, half of his contribution in
advertising his bounty.
November.—9th, Lord Mayor's Day. Make a grand effort to
obtain something from the City. Offer to teach Aldermen when and
how to use the aspirate, in return for election to the post of Remem-
brancer. If I promise to regard the post as ornamental rather than
useful, I should have no difficulty in securing their suffrages. 26th,
Prince Tegk born. “ Teck ” suggests “ tick.” Start a Co-operative
Store on the credit system. Send circulars to the inmates of Colney
Hatch and Hanwell—from whom I may expect cordial support. If
I fail once more, write a letter (as a very last resource) to the Secre-
tary of the Charity Organisation Society.
December.—21si5, Shortest Day. Devote it to making up my gains
for the past year. No doubt i shall find plenty of time for this
probably purely honorary occupation. Lastly, to show that my
hopeful impudence has no bounds, enclose in a letter a contribution
to Mr. Punch—for his waste-paper basket—and ask to be paid for it!
SHELTER FOR THE STEED.
According to Galignani, one Herr Theodor Buhlmann, has
invented an umbrella for carriage-horses, called the Pferde-
parapluie. This parapluie also serves as a parasol, so as to protect
the horse from the sun, as well as to shield him from the showers,
and render him comfortable under the rein.