Punch: Punch (84.1883)

204

PDNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aran, 28, 1883.

Division had a good rousing shout at M Kenna. Sir Joseph, who is
sure he ’d make a good Chancellor of the Exchequer, been popping up
since ten o’clock last night, when he came in from dinner. But
Front Bench men had then taken up the running, and no chance
for men below the Gangway. But the blood of the M‘Kenna’s up,
as anyone might see by looking at Sir Joseph’s face.

“ Go on ! go on ! ” he murmured, when, rising for the third time,
the Speaker gave the preference to Mr. Goschen ; “you may
delay me, but you Kenna stop me.”

So, when Gladstone sat down a little before two o’clock this
morning, Sir Joe rose once more. So did cries from the House.
Such howling, roaring, and hoo ing not been heard for many days.
Quite refreshing and inspiriting after level flow of night’s debate.
It was then Lord Henry- Lennox was disturbed in his sleep.
Dreaming he was at last First Lord of the Admiralty in strong
Conservative Government, and thought this was shout of the Dock-
yard men, whose wages he had been reducing.

“ Must do it! ” Lord Henry murmurs, “ Must do it! Awfully
fine fellows Conservative working-men, and that sort of thing. But
Radicals looking closer than ever after demnition coppers. Must
save them ! ” And Lord Henry, turning over, went to sleep again.

Sir Joseph continued his speech for ten minutes. Deeply in-
teresting. Full of facts, crammed with figures, pellucid in style,
convincing in argument, charming in eloquence ; only not a single
syllable audible above the uproar. Sir Joseph’s peroration delivered
with hue effect, he sat down. House cleared for a Division, and
Lord Henry Lennox rubbing his eyes, and pleased with hazy recol-
lection of having “ been firm with the Dockyard men,” went out to
vote against his own party.

Business done.—Mr. Pell’s Resolution in favour of Immediate
Settlement of Local Taxation Question defea ted by 229 Liberals and
Lord Henry Lennox, 216 voting for Motion.

Wednesday Afternoon.—Business of this House not well regu-
lated. After recent prolonged sittings, with the Division on Local
Taxation taken at two o’clock this morning, the conflict with Irish
Obstruction, and Affirmation Bill coming on, it is cruel to impose on,
what should be the peace of Wednesday afternoon the breathless!
excitement of debate on Scotch Parochial Boards. Even the hardened
constitution of Joseph GrLLis could not stand it. At four o’clock
tried to Count Out House, and nearly did it.

“ Why did you interfere, Mr. Biggar ? ” the Lord Advocate asked,
with blandest manner. “ Doesn’t the Bill meet your views F ”

“ I don’t know what’s in the Bill,” Joseph answered with his fine
simplicity. “ But if there’s one thing I hate more than an English-
man, it’s a Scotchman ; and when I found you enjoying yourselves,
making speeches as long and as dry as half a mile of oatcake, I
thought I’d stop you. That’s all.”

Am afraid Joseph’s naturally genial temper has been soured of
late.

Lyon Playfair hovering round the debate as became Scotch
Member, but took no part in it.

“ I like something that leads to samples, Toby,” he said, “or
lends itself to diagrams on a black board. Then I’m your man. But
you can’t produce a portion of a Parochial Board in a pot like
Oleomargarine, nor dissect a Poor Law pauper as if he were a rabbit.
So I left it to them.”

Playfair tells me. that now he’s K.C.B. he’s more than ever glad
to be out of the Chair of Committees. “ Those Irish Members,” he
says, “ would of course have called me 1 Sir Loyn,’ and from that
to ‘ Sirloin ’ is a very short step.”

Business done.—T wo hundred and ten Gentlemen voted on Scotch
Parochial Boards Bill. Estimated that the odd ten (average of
attendance during afternoon) know what it was about. Everybody,
including the Division-bell, brought to ultimate state of exhaustion
by five hours’ Scotch speeches. Bell, when called upon to announce
Division, feebly tinkled out a single call, instead of four as usual,
Speaker led into open air ; Sir Erskine May leaning feebly on
shoulder of Mr. Milman, got as far as corridor, and there fairly
broke down. Scotch Members quite cheery.

A braw afternoon,” says Mr. Ramsay. “Pity they couldna’
suspend Standin Orders, an’ let’s mak a nicht o’t! ”

OT1 JnTfeS^'7Q'iUeutiunA to-niSht whether Our Only General
an4 ,l/r Admiral shall be made hereditary. Mr. Labouchere

puts the case with great clearness. Lord Alcester. he says, has, let
us admit it, deserved wed of his country. Make him a Peer, and
give him a pension. But whatever may be the merits of the father,

Snian ?CeTL1Qf y IT n(^ . d(®e f^thing. Then why give him a
pension F That is the point. But House having eight hours to talk
m, wandered over many subjects, including Sir Frederick Roberts
and Battle of Trafalgar.

Late at night Lord Eustace Cecil presented himself, and, holding
on to box with his elbows delivered a speech. Profoundest distress
ot noble Lord lest he should say anything to hurt anybody’s feelings.
W hat lie did say was, that Gladstone had behaved meanly to Sir
i. Roberts. That, grateful to Wolseley and Seymour for having

saved his policy in Egypt, had overpaid them at the expense of
country. Didn’t say this out in so many words, bat, with hints,
innuendoes, and statements of what he’d heard or what other people
believed, managed to make it clear.

“Did you ever,” said Lyon Playfair to Mr. Forster, “make
vinegar out of the plant ? ”

“ No ! ” growled the Right Hon. Gentleman, who was just going
to sleep.

“ Most interesting,” the Professor airily proceeded. “ Must show
you some day. You put plant in jar, pour water over it, seal it. up,
and there you are. Excellent vinegar. If you take the same plant
afterwards, do it oyer again, you get some acidulated wash. Cecil
reminds me of this experiment. The style of his brother, the
Marquis, is the real vinegar, and his resembles it just as second
brewing from plant resembles original liquor. Must get you a plant
and illustrate my meaning. Sorry haven’t one in my pocket at the
moment.”

Business done.—Passed Second Reading of Pension Bills.

Friday Night.—In House of Lords, Lord Carnarvon asks can
Colonial Secretary tell anything about annexation of New Guinea by
Queensland? Certainly, Lord Derby would tell everything. Quite
interesting narrative, conveying vivid picture of Queensland pas-
sionately pleading for acquisition, and Lord Derby coldly pointing
out absolute inability of forming opinion till he had received
despatches.

“ Haven’t formed an opinion now, one way or other,” he says, and
House thoroughly believes him. What a mind it is !

Business done.—Congregation in other House, after listening to
Stansfeld’s sermon, declare against C. D. Acts by 182 against 110.

A FOOTMAN'S GRIEVANCE.

The Times of Wensday contained a appeal from a West End
Footman which I thinks is one of the most affecting things as ever
I read. It seems scarcely possabel but it no dout is the fact, that
Gentlemen as fills the werry highest posi-
tions in West End Families as Footmen,
and even Butlers, has to go with their
employers to dinners to wait at Table
without no perquisets, just to save the
shabby hosts and hostesses the werry
trifling expense of perfeshnal waiters.

As he so pathetercally says, after being
confined in-doors so many hours a-doing
of nothink, he natrally wants a little
fresh air and a little reckreation, insted
of which he acshally has to wait at table
peraps for ours! Poor Feller! better be
a mere Ewer of wood like pore Mr. Glad-
stun or a drawer of water like Mr.
Hookey, R. A. And how unjust to me
and my perfeshun! Why should Nobble-
men and Nobblewomen take the bred
out of our mouths by making unfare use
of their own gentlemen? Many and
many a time have 1 ofishyated at swell dinners at the West End.
They ail nose where to send to when they wants anythink A wun or
Fust Class, whether for a dinner or for a Waiter, and that’s in the
City.

My engagements at the West End has fallen off very much of late,
wtiich I naterally set down to poverty, little thinking it was meer
meanness, however, as the pore Footman werry wisely says, now as
the Times—of which he pollytickelly says he is a grate admirer—has
bin kind enuff to. put his letter in, his shabby employers will be
shamed out of their meanness. The one thing in which he makes
a fearful mistake is in speaking of the duties of a Waiter as most
unplessant and even mean. How so highly respectable a member of
one highly honnorable perfeshun can condesend to speak so disre-
spectably of another equally honorable perfeshun, does estonish me,
and I can only account for it by thinking that the recellecshun of his
own serious trubbles made him for once somewhat unjust to those
whose important duties he is so improperly called upon to fulifill.

Robert.

United Service.

Free Trade for Farmers.

“ Are you considering any Measure for permitting the Agricul-
turists of the United Kingdom to grow tobacco for sale F No
impertinent question this, which Lord John Manners the other
evening asked the Government. On every principle of free trade
which the farmers suffer by, surely they ought to be free to grow
whatever they profitably can. If it doesn’t pay them to grow wheat,
they are in effect sine Cerere. Not being allowed the alternative ot
cultivating Nicotian crops, they are also sine Baccho. No wonder,
then, that friget Agricultura.