Punch (73.1877)

120

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[September 15, 1877,

LETTERS FOR THE DEAD SEASON.

The following communi-
cations have been sent to
85, Fleet Street; but Mr.
Punch cannot help think-
ing that (with the exception
of the last) they all must
have been intended for the
columns of some of his con-
temporaries.

To the Editor.

Sir,—I think it right to
send you an account of
"the last dodge", of the
swell mob, for the protec-
tion of your readers. Yes-
terday I left my house at
ten, and at eleven a respect-
ably-dressed Jman called
upon my wife and informed
her that I had told him
that I wished all the furni-
ture removed immediately.
Suspecting nothing, 'my
wife permitted the thief to
fill some half dozen large
vans with all the furniture
in the house, and the wine in the cellars. He even took the
contents of our wardrobes. When I returned in the evening I
found the house quite empty. As this,man may be repeating this
disgraceful and heartless trick in other places, I trust my warning
is not inopportune. Yourg sinfierelyj

One Who is now on nis Guard.

Kensal Green, North Kensington.

To the Editor.

Sir,—When I walked in my garden this morning I heard the note
of the cuckoo. I have had a long consultation with all my neigh-
bours, and they consider the occurrence most wonderful, considering
the time of the year. Under these circumstances I think it my
duty to report the matter to you.

Yours faithfully,
Dormouse Lodge, Muddleborough. A. Noodle.

To the Editor.

Sir,—The other day on landing from the steamboat at the West-
minster Pier (we had had a very wet passage from Charing Cross) a
young fellow of twelve years old or so (it would be affectation to
describe him as a gentleman) shouted out to me, " Ain't yer cold ? "
I am told that passengers are frequently subjected to insults as gross
as this on the Thames.

Surely, Sir, this should not be permitted. It is simply disgraceful
that a quiet, middle-aged, and corpulent traveller should have his
feelings outraged on landing after a ten minutes' passage.

Yours indignantly,

Junior Wanderers' Club. Penny Steamboat.

To the Editor.

Sir,—The other evening, at about eleven o'clock, on leaving the
hospitable board of my friend Mr. Backus, I felt so severe a shock
that I was thrown off my feet on to the pavement. Another of the
guests found the road so insecure that he had to hold on to a lamp-
post ; whilst a third had to seek protection in the station-house,
whither he was conducted by two constables. Considering that we
all three felt the shocks, is not this strong evidence that an earth-
quake must have occurred ? yours respectfully>

Hebe Cottage, Drinhington. F. von Drunk.

To the Editor.

Sir,—There are many stories told of the exorbitant bills charged
at Continental inns, but I think the following account, furnished by
one of our English hotel-keepers, will throw everything else into
the shade:—

s. d.

Bed .. ..2 6
Dinner .. ..3 6
Whiskey.. .. 4 0
Attendance .. 0 6

10 6'

There, Sir! The dinner, miserably served, consisted of soup,
fish, entrees, and a bird (a very small one). The bed-room was

actually on the second floor. The price charged for the whiskey,
however, was not unreasonable.

Yours protestingly,
Bawbeeborough. MacStingy of that Ilk.

To the Editor.

Sir,—If it is not too late to send you an additional particular
about the recent total eclipse, may I be permitted to say that the
moon seemed at one time to be copper-coloured.

Yours obediently,

The Observatory, Sleepington. T. Hardy Slowboy.

To the Editor.

Sir,—In your impression of yesterday's date I find that a person
called " A. Smith " was convicted of stealing a pocket-handkerchief.
It is only in justice to my own respectability and to the satisfaction
of my friends that I request you kindly to say that I was not the
" A. Smith" in question. I sign this with my initials to prove to
you that my name is not quite the same as that of the thief already
alluded to. A. S. S.

22, Lavender Water Grove, Lower Tooting.

To the Editor.

Dear Sir,

I think it only right to tell you that I have already seen
an enormous gooseberry (weighing a ton and a half), and have been
caught in a shower of frogs. I hear that the great Sea Serpent has
been frequently observed, and is shortly expected off the Isle of Wight,
and that the oldest inhabitant of Cheyne Walk, Chelsea (aged one
hundred and three), is at the river side catching daily a large quan-
tity of salmon. Trusting that these facts will save you the trouble
of wading through a vast quantity of correspondence,
I remain, sincerely yours,

A Retired Penny-a-Llner.

To Mr. Punch, 85, Fleet Street.

GREASY.
Here is a chance for a Cook :—

WANTED, an Earnest Christian Woman as COOK, not under
twenty-five. One who has been in the habit of meeting with Brethren
preferred. Apply, &c.

The place offered as above, in the Exeter and Pit/mouth Gazette,
is evidently a situation in a " serious family" of the Plymouth
Brethren persuasion. For a Cook in any other the habit of meeting
with Plymouth Brethren would be deemed a decidedly objection-
able antecedent. The rule would be, on the contrary, " No Plymouth
Brethren allowed." No doubt the Advertiser trusts that a Sister of
the Plymouth Brethren, answering for herself to the description of
"an earnest Christian Woman," would never sell dripping, or
otherwise embezzle kitchen-stuff, dressed or raw, or cheat by col-
lusion with tradesmen, or in any other way, but would always, to
the very best of her ability, do her employer's dinner, and never her
employer. _

Address to Correspondents.

All you to Punch that contributions send,

Keep copies of your articles at home.

Then, if he tear your manuscript or sketch,

He tears but paper ; does not tear your wit,

Your satire, humour, fancy, fun, or bosh

His space exceeding. Whose were the more pains,

Yours to transcribe your writings, each, or his

To send you letters all ? Be that as't may,

Dear friends, take notice for the thousandth time :—

Rejected articles Punch never does,

And never did, and can't, and won't return.

Fast and Slow.

How imbecile 'and silly seem all the stale, hackneyed, worn-out
popular slang sayings of other days! "There you go with your
eye out! " " What a shocking bad hat! " "How are you off for
soap ? " "Flare up, and join the Union! " " How's your mother ?"
"How's your poor feet?" What stupidity affecting sharpness
bewrays itself in these obsolete impertinences! In respect of fun,
and. point, and cleverness, what a difference there is between all
those and the sparkling exclamation with which the lively lower
orders now continually salute each other and their superiors—
" Whoa, Emma ! " _-_. _

The Satellites of Mars.—Why, Pas, to be sure!