Punch (73.1877)

January 5, 1878.] PUNCH, OB, THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 305

Harbour, they are very much mistaken, no matter what their rank,
or their nationality.

" Keep your—wow wow wow wow!" shouts the Captain to every-
one on board.

Not the slightest attention from anybody.

"Keep your wow wow wow wow I" shouts the Captain louder
and more energetically.

He might as well have said it (whatever it was) in a whisper, so
utterly do the crew ignore his existence. This is decidedly annoying.
He raises both his gloved hands to his mouth, so as to form a sort of
speaking-trumpet, and bawls out. furiously, a lengthy direction, in
which only the words "hard" "port" "helm" are distinct, the
rest being all represented by " wow wow wow " as before. This
supreme effort seems to raise Captain Bubble's stature by about
two inches above his ordinary height, and a tremor runs through
the crowd on the pier, lest the Captain should be literally carried
away by his excitement, and go head-foremost into the water.

At last the Captain of the vessel, or some one in authority standing
by the helmsman, appears to have become aware that some one is
addressing him. _ Without altering his position, or taking his eyes
off the point in view, he quietly extends his right hand, and makes
much the same movement with it, as the leader of an orchestra does
with his left, when he wants his band to reduce itself to pianissimo.
It is a deprecatory action, and signifies, if anything, "We're all
right, my good friend. Don't make that horrid noise ! "

Whether Captain Bubble reads it in this way, is more than Your
Quiet Observer can assert, but its effect is temporarily quieting, and,
strange to say. Captain Bubble appears quite satished with the
result of all his shouting and halloaing, just as if he had been
only anxious to obtain from the new-comers some sort of recog-
nition. He pulls himself together, recovers his voice, and prepares
to receive another ship, which has been following in the wake of the
first, when precisely the same performance is gone through, as it
would be if there were twenty ships all one after the other.

Another great occasion for Captain Bubble to come out strongly is,
when some large foreign vessel has to quit her moorings, and take her
departure. _ She has been in for repairs, and the Srimpgaters have
all become interested in her. She has been to them an object for a
walk on the pier. They have watched her return to convalescence,
from the day when, in a very shattered condition, she entered their
hospitable harbour. They have become attached to her, and are
very sorry to part with her. Nevertheless, as she must go, they
come out to bid her bon voyage.

The slightest thing brings all Srimpgate out on to the pier. There
wasn't a soul on it a minute ago: it is crowded now. There is the
tug, with steam up, ready to drag the ship out to sea. There is
much hauling and shouting on board, specially in a foreign craft,
and Captain Bubble is bellowing himself hoarse, from his usual
elevation on a stone block, and no one on shore, or on board, is
paying the slightest attention to his invaluable advice.

The excitement is worked up to its culminating point by the
persistent stupidity, or obstinacy, of some person or persons un-
known (invisible to the bystanders on the pier, and apparently also
to those on the ship itself), who will not haul something or other, in
the stern, sufficiently taut. Captain Bubble Bhouts at the invisible
obstructionist until he is more than usually hoarse, and so, by this
homoeopathic remedy, nearly recovers his ordinary tone; the
Captain of the ship calls to this dense individual, a mate implores
him, the Pilot cajoles him (he doesn't see him), addressing him
cheerily as " My Lad," and appealing to him thus : " Now, my Lad,
do haul taut the (whatever it is) "— but all to no purpose; the
person so adjured and implored (for even the bystanders join their
entreaties to those of the others) either won't or can't haul it taut,
and so the vessel is delayed for half an hour beyond the time for
starting.

At last, when all the commanding, cajoling, imploring, and order-
ing, in good and bad language, has ceased, and when even Captain
Bubble is tired out and helpless, it suddenly appears that the some-
body in question (in what part of the ship he is, or who he is, re-
mains a mystery to_ the end) has done what was wanted, and then the
ship gets under weigh, the steam-tug puffs and grunts, and Captain
Bubble strenuously shouts out his last piece of unexceptionable
advice in so emphatic a manner, that the bystanders, thinking that
he is warning the departing Crew against some most terrible danger,
imminent there and then, at the very entrance of the Harbour,
would clasp their hands in shuddering terror, were it not for the
calm demeanour of the Pilot in charge, Who simply nods a familiar
farewell to Captain Bubble ; whereupon the latter at once descends
from his pedestal with the thoroughly satisfied air of a hero, who,
at all risks and hazards, has done his duty under most trying
circumstances, and has saved the lives of innumerable fellow-
creatures.

Vive, Captain Bubble! When thou art gone—absit omen!—it
will be a difficult matter to supply thy place in the Harbour of
Srimpgate-on-Sea.

CHRISTMAS APPEALS.

WBiTiNa from the Gour-
met Club, Mr. Gut-
tleb plaintively ap-
peals to the large circle of
his friends, and implores
them not to press him to par-
take of either mince-pies or
plum-pudding at this ex-
tremely festive and indiges-
tive season, and if possible
to spare him the sight of
either roast beef or boiled or
roast turkey for the next
three weeks at least.

Mr. and Mrs. PcOSeleaf of
the Turtledovecot, Cooington,
appeal to their dear rela-
tives, the Gbowlees and the
Snarlings, that no cross
words or looks may be suf-
fered to disturb the harmony
of the evening whereon the
usual family gathering takes
place.

Miss Wallflower has some notion of circulating a piteous appeal
for compassion to the young gentlemen of her acquaintance, when
they behold her pining for a partner in the valse.

Master Tommy Tucker will, as usual, plaintively appeal for a
second helping of plum-pudding.

A piteous appeal has been addressed by Mr. Jolltdog to his dear
wife by no means to sit up for him if business should compel him
to be late in coming home.

Old Mr. Singleton Kerr Mudgeon has had serious thoughts this
Christmas of appealing to his relatives to abstain from bothering
him with calls and cards and compliments of the season, which
serve only to remind him that his next of kin are waiting to step
into his shoes.

Many hundreds of appeals have been issued by small children,
imploring dear Papa to take them to the pantomime, and beseeching
dear Mamma to let them have a Christmas party.

Miss Selina Sltpuss, in her utter helplessness, appeals to Cousin
Charley, not to catch her under the mistletoe, which is hung most
awkwardly just outside the dining-room, exactly where he once
suggested that it should be placed.

"CRUEL ONLY TO BE KIND."

The Standard, lately told us, under the heading " Christmas
Festivities at the Hospitals," that "At St. Thomas's, 280lbs. of
nice rich plum-pudding was served out to each patient." Surely
this must have been on the principle of fiat experimentum in corpore
vili, with the intention of giving next day a grand demonstration of
the power of Hospital treatment in eases of indigestion. The report
concludes with an allusion to the evening which followed this awful
festivity, when as we are told,

" Those who were convalescent appeared highly delighted at the kindness
shown to them by all the officials, and even more delighted in attending to
those more unfortunate patients who were unable to move from their beds."

The wonder is, not that some of the patients were unable, but that
any were able, after such a Christmas cram, to move from their beds!

A Case for Sir Wilfrid.

We presume that "Hydraulic Jacks" must be a new-fangled
phrase for Teetotallers who may take service in the Navy.

That we have been fortunate enough to secure some such excep-
tional blue-jackets, and that the Admiralty is doing its best to under-
mine their temperance principles, we gather from a recent Admi-
ralty Circular, which we reprint from a Portsmouth naval organ:—

" My Lords Commissioners of the Admiralty are pleased to direct that in
future fresh water is to be used for Hydraulic Jacks on ordinary occasions, but
that when it is probable that the temperature will be sufficiently cold to
freeze the water, spirit (rum), in the proportion of one of spirit to two of
water, is to be mixed with the water for the Jacks. The rum is to be drawn
from the Paymaster by the officer (engineer or gunner) m whose charge trie
Jacks are placed, but Commanding Officers are to see that proper precautions
are taken to guard against misuse of the spirit."

Livers and their Complaints.—" Is Life worth living? Mr.
Mallock has been asking in the Contemporary_ Review, we
suspect it is, in a great measure, a question of the Liver.