DOI Heft:
January 7, 1860
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16865#0020
12
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[January 7, 1860.
POPE AND CONGRESS.
The Papacy’s a curious thing:
The Pope comprises Priest and King.
Of Kings he is to be the least,
Because he is the greatest Priest.
What justice can a Prince decree
Like delegate of Deity ?
What King should reign like him you call
The Yicar of the King of all?
✓
If, then, the Pope his subjects rule
At best, no better than a lool,
His claim to Vicarship would seem
An imposition or a dream.
If what you deem a rock be sand,
You’ll build thereon what will not stand;
No scheme, within the smallest space,
Will do, with humbug for a base.
Napoleon, you’ll restrict, in vain,
To Rome alone the Pope’s domain;
The mischief you will but confine:
True Priest and bad King can’t combine.
A NEW LITERARY INVENTION.
It is extremely disagreeable to a conscientious person to be found
out in a falsehood. For this reason Mr. Punch, who is excessively con-
scientious, hails with delight a recent improvement in the letter-writing
department of life.
Out of ten letters which one receives, about two are of a kind which
it is a pleasure, four a duty, and the rest a simple bore, to answer.
One’s habit of course, therefore, is to answer the first, and perhaps
one or two of the others, at once, but to postpone and neglect the
mass. Then, when it becomes an actual necessity to write, one is
bothered to begin with a neat falsehood by way of excuse, or to choose
among the half-dozen falsehoods that naturally occur to the elegant
mind. And another thing is, that there is the probability of sending
contradictory falsehoods to people who are likely to meet one another.
It is a bore to find that you have written to a man that you have been
in Paris for three weeks, and to his brother that you have been laid up
for a month in chambers with gout, and that the two have compared
your notes at the table of their father, to whom you have intimated
that a domestic affliction has detained you at Brighton.
Mr. Punch has, therefore, received with pleasure, from an enter-
prising engraver, whose invention he commends to the notice of
Messrs. Pheasant & Uncles, or Gherkins & Grotto, or some other
of the great stationary firms, a device for saving a good deal of time
and perplexity in the respect alluded to. Everybody’s note paper is
already engraved with his address, and (except in the case of idiots)
with Mr. Rowland Hill’s district initial. The ingenious party who
has sent to Mr. Punch goes a little further, and actually begins the
Letter of Excuse for you. Here are some of the specimens :—
No. 1.
“ My dear ——, _ “ Highbury Terrace, N.
“You will be quite sure that your kind letter would have
received an earlier reply, but for accident. Misdirected, it had been
taken to [Inverness,] and has reached my hands this morning only.
Let me hasten to say that
0 2
“ Dear Mr.-, ' “ Isleworth, W.
“ Instantly on the receipt of your letter of the 19th, 1 replied
to it at considerable length,_ Judge my surprise to find my reply upon
my dressing-room table this morning. It was discovered by my wife
in a drawer in the nursery. I suppose that it must have been secreted
by one of the children, and forgotten by the servant. I deeply regret
the delay, and hurry off a line to say that
No. 8.
“ Mr DEAR Aunt, “ Rltham, S.P.
“ I felt so overcome at hearing from you of the demise of
our dear cousin in Australia, (and as I had not heard of him for eleven
years the shock was so much the greater and more unexpected) that I
was totally unable to reply to your letter of about six weeks back.
But now that time has calmed dovra my feelings, let me express
No. 4.
“ My dear Wife, “ Ratcliffe Highicay, P.
“ Your letter would have been answered immediately, but in
consequence of your having so obstinately set yourself against having
a hole cut in the street door, the epistle was retained until the morning
delivery, when I had gone out of town on business, which kept me at
Melton Mowbray for three weeks. I will endeavour to send
No. 5.
“ Dear- “ Pimlico, S. IF.
“ I answered your letter the same day that I received it,
and posted the letter with my own hand. Therefore, if you have had
an action brought against you, it is no fault of mine. The post office
I distinctly remember was in [ ] * However, let me saw
that
No. 6.
“Dear Sister Matilda, _ “Stra>id, W.C.
“ Having sprained my wrist in saving the life of a fellow-
creature, I was unable to write to you, and your letter was one to-
which I could hardly reply by amanuensis. I now take up my pen
No. 7.
“My Dear Father, “lord's Cricket Ground, N.W.
“ Removing from a shelf some old books, for reference, the
dust flew into my eyes, and produced an inflammation which has pre-
vented my writing for some weeks, but I am now able to resume my
usual habits. Thank you for
No. 8.
“ Dearest— “ Panes’ Inn, W. C.
“Is it possible? You, whose least wish should, command
lightning-like attention from me. Yon unanswered! Believe it not.
I replied to your letter on the instant, and as our posts are uncertain,
entrusted my reply to a friend to post in a pillar letter-box. He has
failed, and dies by my hand. Believe me, dearest, that
No. 9.
“ Reverend Sir, “ Old Kent Road, S.
“Newton had his Diamond, who threw down the candle and
burned the great Isaac’s papers. My youngest child, a diamond, too,,
in her way, clandestinely kindled a Yesta match, and dropped it on my
desk, about a fortnight ago. Many papers were destroyed, and your
letter among them; and as I bad not your address elsewhere, I could
not write. Now that I know it, I hasten to
No. 10.
“ My Dear Madam,-? “ Brompton, S. W.
“ I have received no letter whatever from you, or should have
instantly replied, according to my invariable habit; for want of system
in answering letters leads to want of system in everything else, and
then all goes to sixes and sevens. I never sleep without replying to-
all letters received during the day. Assuring you that nothing of yours
has reached my hands, I
No. 11.
“ Dear Cousin, “ Welbeck Street, W.
“How can I excuse my delay? The fact is that, while
reading your letter, I was called off to a patient, by whose couch (the
case being very difficult) I sat for three weeks without any other food
than a peppermint lozenge; and during that anxious vigil your letter
escaped my memory. I now reply that
No. 12.
“ Dear Sir, “ War Office, S. W.
“ I duly received your letter, but up to the present time was
unable to read it, owing to your writing such an abominably undeci-
pherable hand. But I now gather from a word here and there that
yon want some money, and I beg to inform you that
Mr. Punch cannot find room for more specimens, but the nature of
this commodious invention is now clear. Separate pigeon-holes must
be kept for the different forms, and if a writer makes a memorandum
of the number of the form he has used and the person to whom he
sends it, every one of the above excuses, and twenty more, may be
sent to each of his correspondents. Before the stock is exhausted,
parties will have left off writing to him. Any communications for the
inventor may be sent to 85, Fleet Street, and Mr. Punch, not being
a government official, will not hinder the poor man from carrying out
his idea, and not being a British manufacturer, will not steal the
invention and cheat the discoverer.
* Fill up with any place, for even if inquiries are made, the result will only be
the same that always occurs when a letter has been written and lost—nobody knows
anything about it.
1 Be sure to burn the letter you say you did not receive, for women’s eyes arc
sharp, and if you leave it about and she calls and sees it, there is another bore.
Papa Posed.—A youthful prodigy asked the “author of his being ”
the other day, whether “as it had been used for such a long time,
language would not soon be worn out ? ”
bad
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[January 7, 1860.
POPE AND CONGRESS.
The Papacy’s a curious thing:
The Pope comprises Priest and King.
Of Kings he is to be the least,
Because he is the greatest Priest.
What justice can a Prince decree
Like delegate of Deity ?
What King should reign like him you call
The Yicar of the King of all?
✓
If, then, the Pope his subjects rule
At best, no better than a lool,
His claim to Vicarship would seem
An imposition or a dream.
If what you deem a rock be sand,
You’ll build thereon what will not stand;
No scheme, within the smallest space,
Will do, with humbug for a base.
Napoleon, you’ll restrict, in vain,
To Rome alone the Pope’s domain;
The mischief you will but confine:
True Priest and bad King can’t combine.
A NEW LITERARY INVENTION.
It is extremely disagreeable to a conscientious person to be found
out in a falsehood. For this reason Mr. Punch, who is excessively con-
scientious, hails with delight a recent improvement in the letter-writing
department of life.
Out of ten letters which one receives, about two are of a kind which
it is a pleasure, four a duty, and the rest a simple bore, to answer.
One’s habit of course, therefore, is to answer the first, and perhaps
one or two of the others, at once, but to postpone and neglect the
mass. Then, when it becomes an actual necessity to write, one is
bothered to begin with a neat falsehood by way of excuse, or to choose
among the half-dozen falsehoods that naturally occur to the elegant
mind. And another thing is, that there is the probability of sending
contradictory falsehoods to people who are likely to meet one another.
It is a bore to find that you have written to a man that you have been
in Paris for three weeks, and to his brother that you have been laid up
for a month in chambers with gout, and that the two have compared
your notes at the table of their father, to whom you have intimated
that a domestic affliction has detained you at Brighton.
Mr. Punch has, therefore, received with pleasure, from an enter-
prising engraver, whose invention he commends to the notice of
Messrs. Pheasant & Uncles, or Gherkins & Grotto, or some other
of the great stationary firms, a device for saving a good deal of time
and perplexity in the respect alluded to. Everybody’s note paper is
already engraved with his address, and (except in the case of idiots)
with Mr. Rowland Hill’s district initial. The ingenious party who
has sent to Mr. Punch goes a little further, and actually begins the
Letter of Excuse for you. Here are some of the specimens :—
No. 1.
“ My dear ——, _ “ Highbury Terrace, N.
“You will be quite sure that your kind letter would have
received an earlier reply, but for accident. Misdirected, it had been
taken to [Inverness,] and has reached my hands this morning only.
Let me hasten to say that
0 2
“ Dear Mr.-, ' “ Isleworth, W.
“ Instantly on the receipt of your letter of the 19th, 1 replied
to it at considerable length,_ Judge my surprise to find my reply upon
my dressing-room table this morning. It was discovered by my wife
in a drawer in the nursery. I suppose that it must have been secreted
by one of the children, and forgotten by the servant. I deeply regret
the delay, and hurry off a line to say that
No. 8.
“ Mr DEAR Aunt, “ Rltham, S.P.
“ I felt so overcome at hearing from you of the demise of
our dear cousin in Australia, (and as I had not heard of him for eleven
years the shock was so much the greater and more unexpected) that I
was totally unable to reply to your letter of about six weeks back.
But now that time has calmed dovra my feelings, let me express
No. 4.
“ My dear Wife, “ Ratcliffe Highicay, P.
“ Your letter would have been answered immediately, but in
consequence of your having so obstinately set yourself against having
a hole cut in the street door, the epistle was retained until the morning
delivery, when I had gone out of town on business, which kept me at
Melton Mowbray for three weeks. I will endeavour to send
No. 5.
“ Dear- “ Pimlico, S. IF.
“ I answered your letter the same day that I received it,
and posted the letter with my own hand. Therefore, if you have had
an action brought against you, it is no fault of mine. The post office
I distinctly remember was in [ ] * However, let me saw
that
No. 6.
“Dear Sister Matilda, _ “Stra>id, W.C.
“ Having sprained my wrist in saving the life of a fellow-
creature, I was unable to write to you, and your letter was one to-
which I could hardly reply by amanuensis. I now take up my pen
No. 7.
“My Dear Father, “lord's Cricket Ground, N.W.
“ Removing from a shelf some old books, for reference, the
dust flew into my eyes, and produced an inflammation which has pre-
vented my writing for some weeks, but I am now able to resume my
usual habits. Thank you for
No. 8.
“ Dearest— “ Panes’ Inn, W. C.
“Is it possible? You, whose least wish should, command
lightning-like attention from me. Yon unanswered! Believe it not.
I replied to your letter on the instant, and as our posts are uncertain,
entrusted my reply to a friend to post in a pillar letter-box. He has
failed, and dies by my hand. Believe me, dearest, that
No. 9.
“ Reverend Sir, “ Old Kent Road, S.
“Newton had his Diamond, who threw down the candle and
burned the great Isaac’s papers. My youngest child, a diamond, too,,
in her way, clandestinely kindled a Yesta match, and dropped it on my
desk, about a fortnight ago. Many papers were destroyed, and your
letter among them; and as I bad not your address elsewhere, I could
not write. Now that I know it, I hasten to
No. 10.
“ My Dear Madam,-? “ Brompton, S. W.
“ I have received no letter whatever from you, or should have
instantly replied, according to my invariable habit; for want of system
in answering letters leads to want of system in everything else, and
then all goes to sixes and sevens. I never sleep without replying to-
all letters received during the day. Assuring you that nothing of yours
has reached my hands, I
No. 11.
“ Dear Cousin, “ Welbeck Street, W.
“How can I excuse my delay? The fact is that, while
reading your letter, I was called off to a patient, by whose couch (the
case being very difficult) I sat for three weeks without any other food
than a peppermint lozenge; and during that anxious vigil your letter
escaped my memory. I now reply that
No. 12.
“ Dear Sir, “ War Office, S. W.
“ I duly received your letter, but up to the present time was
unable to read it, owing to your writing such an abominably undeci-
pherable hand. But I now gather from a word here and there that
yon want some money, and I beg to inform you that
Mr. Punch cannot find room for more specimens, but the nature of
this commodious invention is now clear. Separate pigeon-holes must
be kept for the different forms, and if a writer makes a memorandum
of the number of the form he has used and the person to whom he
sends it, every one of the above excuses, and twenty more, may be
sent to each of his correspondents. Before the stock is exhausted,
parties will have left off writing to him. Any communications for the
inventor may be sent to 85, Fleet Street, and Mr. Punch, not being
a government official, will not hinder the poor man from carrying out
his idea, and not being a British manufacturer, will not steal the
invention and cheat the discoverer.
* Fill up with any place, for even if inquiries are made, the result will only be
the same that always occurs when a letter has been written and lost—nobody knows
anything about it.
1 Be sure to burn the letter you say you did not receive, for women’s eyes arc
sharp, and if you leave it about and she calls and sees it, there is another bore.
Papa Posed.—A youthful prodigy asked the “author of his being ”
the other day, whether “as it had been used for such a long time,
language would not soon be worn out ? ”
bad