Punch: Punch (38.1860)

92

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 3, I860.

THE LATEST PHOTOGRAPHIC DODGE.

Artist-Photographic (to Clerical Old Gentleman). “ Here y’ are, Sir; C 'rrect
Likeness Kan-anted at this Establishment, Sir; Frame and Glass included, and Brandy
and Water alieays on the Table ! ”

PAROCHIAL ANTHOLOGY.

In the clerical House of Commons, or Lower House of
Convocation, at its last sitting, a reverend member brought
forward a proposal which would be deserving of encou-
ragement, if there were any hope that it could be satis-
factorily accomplished. According to the Report of the
proceedings of that venerable body :—

“ Archdeacon Sandford, with the permission of the House, read
a notice which he had placed upon the paper. It was to the effect,
that his Grace the President be respectfully requested to appoint a
committee of the Upper House to act with a committee of the
Lower House for the preparation of a draft-book of hymns and a
selection of psalms, which, if approved by Convocation, should bo
submitted to Her Majesty, with a view to its adoption in all
churches and chapels that might be willing to receive it.”

Lord Byron once invoked a forty-parson power to
enable him to sing on a certain subject. A committee of
the Upper House of Convocation, and a committee of the
Lower House of Convocation combined, would constitute
a quantity of parson-power considerably above that which
was desired by the noble bard. It is unlikely, however,
that even the united parson-powers of the bishops ana
clergy will be sufficient for the preparation of a draft-book
of hymns fit to be sung. Parson-power is one thing and
poet-power is another thing. Hymns which are not poetry
are doggerel. Hitherto the latter article has been almost
the sole product of parson-power applied to versification.
Parson-power may indeed succeed in making a selection of
psalms from the Psalter, because that is a collection of
poems in which a bad choice is impossible, the choice being
supposed to be limited to the text pure and simple, uncor-
rupted and unturned into jingling rhymes by audacious
dunces. It is to be hoped that in choosing psalms and
hymns, parson-power will confine itself to the sphere of
safety, and not appoint to be sung in churches a volume of
inelegant extracts in bad verse, uninspired even by the
Muse.

What’s in a Name?

The London Irish Volunteer Corps have been adver-
tising for a target ground. Since then, we read that Mr.
Isaac Butt has been offering his services to the corps.
In the absence of a target, they are foolish if they do not
put up with a Butt.

Good Title tor a Cotton Lord.—Lord Cottenham.

SHALL WE SMOKE ON RAILWAYS?

Menaced, Mr. Hunch is Boreas; entreated, he is Zephyr. When
he reads in railway stations and carriages insclent affiches, commanding
him not to Smoke (he delights in the weed), threatening him with
fines and imprisonments, and holding up to him instances in which the
Company has been down upon a smoker, he naturally lights up the
largest cigar in his possession, blows a cloud into the face of the ticket
clerk,_ sends the guard to buy him fusees, stalks up and down the plat-
form in a cloud of fume, and on entering the carriage, hands round his
cigar-case to every fellow-passenger. And in this course he intends to
persevere wherever the Directors of a Railway presume to be imper-
tinent. But when he found, on a recent journey on the Brighton and
South Coast Line, such an appeal as this, he, like the pious ZEneas,—

“ Rolled his eyes, and every moment felt
His manly soul with more compassion melt.”

Thus gently plead the Brighton Directors—

“ In consequence of the numerous and increasing Complaints of Smoking in the
Carriages on the line, the Directors have resolved to appeal to their Passengers on
the subject.”

ery right, indeed. The passengers, and not any whimsical or arbi-
trary officials, are the proper tribunal of appeal in such a matter. This
is truly constitutional, and in the spirit of Magna Chart.a, and Lord
John Russell himself would approve the course. Such an introduction
prepossesses the reader in favour of the appeal. Let us proceed—

“ The Directors feel assured that if those who thus disregard the Regulations of
this and every other Railway, framed in this respect to secure the general conve-
nience, were aware of the discomfort and annoyance they inflict’ on the great
majority of Passengers, not only while Tobacco is smoked, but from the Carriages
being rendered offensive_ to those who travel in them at other times, they would
refrain from doing so during the short period occupied by the journeys on this line.”

Mr. Hunch begs to assure the courteous Directors that he is quite
aware oi the discomfort and annoyance the anti-smoking Regulations

of that and every other railway inflict on the great majority of pas-
sengers ; as truly stated by the grammatical construction of the above
lines. He is also aware that this is not what the Directors mean, but
the reverse thereof. They mean to say that most people do not like
smoking, and that the carriages in which smoking has taken place
smell disagreeably. Now, he takes leave to contest the first propo-
sition, and will do so on statistical grounds. Referring to an abstract
of a Blue Book before him, and turning to the Customs accounts for
one year (Mr. Charles Ivnigiit is responsible for the figures, and
he is never wrong), lie finds that the very largest item of all that go to
make up the Twenty odd millions of income is the duty on imported
Tobacco. Even miserable Tea—that contemptible mess which duchesses
take before dinner, and other women whenever they can get it with
chatter—produces less than the noble Tobacco —nay, here are the
figures:—

Tobacco, stemmed . . . £2,246,465

Unstemmed . . . . 2.888,490

Manufactured, and Snuff . 119,338

£5,254,293

Upwards of Live Millions of Pounds paid upon the article which
“most persons” do not like. Five Millions of Pounds, and this for
duty only, mind, to which we must add the rest of the price of the
article, if we would know what the Smoker pays. But let us leave it
at Five Millions of Sovereigns. Now, how many people travel on
Railroads in England ? Mr. Hunch refers to another Parliamentary
abstract. Taking the first and second classes for the year—he omits
the third, because, notoriously, the unfortunate third class would all
smoke if they might, to comfort themselves in their pens—the numbers
are: —

First . 6,771,060

Second . . 16,935,303

£23,706,363

Twenty-three millions of passengers, or rather of journeys, for every