Punch: Punch (38.1860)

June 2, I860.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

221

A PLUCKY YOUNG FELLOW.

Voting Gentleman, who ap-
pears to have unsuccessfully
attempted to pass a Mili-
tary .Examination, has writ- i
ten, under the signature of
“ Another Injured Can-
didate,” a letter to the
Morning Post, wherein, hav-
ing premised that he has
himself “ gone through the
literary nonsense and tor-
ture of a Chelsea examina-
tion,” he makes the reflec-
tion subjoined :—

“ It is exceedingly hard and
unfair, when we are put to such
eucrmous expenses in preparing
for these examinations, to find,
on presenting ourselves, that we
are expected to answer such
questions as those which you
have just given publicity to;
and even here it does, not end,
for the English and Mathema-
tical Papers were quite as diffi-
cult, and much better adapted
for a Cambridge or Oxford exa-
mination than to puzzle youths
of seventeen or eighteen who

^ —- have just left school.”

" Is it, possible 1o conceive
any “ English papers ”
which would not probably
be too difficult for the author of the foregoing extract? His mathematical attainments may
be sufficient to carry him over the Pons Asinonan, but it may be doubted it his knowledge ot
iiis native tongue is great enough to enable him to accomplish a nearly so arduous passage in
the walks of literature. We wonder what he means by the “ literary nonsense and torture
of a Chelsea examination.” The “torture” attending the ordeal to which he alludes was
doubtless his own, but w'hose was the “literary nonsense?” The above-quoted passage
may suggest an answer to this question. It is, no doubt, exceedingly hard and unfair
to set young men catch-questions; but it is unfair and hard of the examiners alone. There
is nothing hard or unfair on the part of the young men involved in finding that they are
expected to answer such questions.

If the English and Mathematical Papers, alluded to by our victim to literary nonsense and
torture were at all adapted for a Cambridge or Oxford examiuation, they must, one would
think, have been at least as well adapted to puzzle youths of seventeen or eighteen. The
youth who represents them as having been fitter to try competitors for degrees than to puzzle
boys who have but just left school, can hardly, if he has been plucked for his military little
go, be considered entitled to add himself to the list of candidates who have any right to call
themselves injured. At the same time, let the authorities consider that blockheads are
often brave, and always all the braver for being blockheads; and ask themselves whether it
is wise and judicious to exclude from the British army a sort of fellows who are m every
way so remarkable for pluck. At least it may be advisable to retain some regiments ot
“ Heavies,” for which the qualifications shall be rather muscular than mental, and shall not
include the mysteries of spelling and grammar.

NUDITY AND NONSENSE.

We understand that Lord Haddo is about to move for leave to introduce a Bill to
prohibit the exposure of naked dolls on race-courses, as being calculated to corrupt the morals
of the people. His Lordship’s late crusade against the study of the nude must, as we
mentkmed it, be fresli in the remembrance of our readers; and the Bill which he proposes
now to introduce will be a further step in the same laudable direction. With that extreme
feeling of delicacy for which his Lordship is so famous, Lord Haddo will provide that the
dolls be henceforth draped; and his measure will contain the most precise directions as to i
the amplitude of clothing which is to be enforced. Thus the eyes of prudish people will, j
he hopes, be no more shocked by the exposure of the naked little figures which are suffered |
to be thrust into our faces on the Derby Day, without a trouser or a petticoat to veil their
ligneous legs.

A Brief for the Charter.

The report of the proceedings at the Middlesex Sessions, the other day, concluded with
the following announcement:—

“ Me. Ernest Jones has joined the bar practising at this Court.”

Success to Mr. Ernest Jones in his forensic capacity. Everybody will rejoice to know
that Mr. Jones is practising as an advocate at the bar, instead of advocating extreme
political doctrines with an eloquence which is calculated to procure the orator a position
in the dock. It is gratifying to consider that declamation in Jones lias become pleading
in Ernest.

Protectionist Hosts —Protection was supposed to have been dead and buried ; but
Eree Trade in liquor is still vehemently opposed by the great body of the Landlords who
keep public-houses and their Bepresentatives in the House of Commons.

THE SORROWS OF “ THE START

In vain I spend my eloquence.

My arguments let fly,

To teach the people how to be
DissatisGed, and why.

I poke the British Lion up—

In his dull ear I scream ;

I stir the fire, 1 blow the coals.

But can’t get up the steam !

Thpre’s flogging in the Army ;

There’s jobbing in the Fleet;

Corruption in the Treasury ;

Intrigue in Downing Street!

That horrid Volunteering—

Eor sarcasm what a theme !

But vain my skill, do what I will,

I can’t get up the steam !

Vain, morning after morning,

My preaching up .Reform;

The more I beat the iron
The more it won’t get warm ;

On indirect Taxation

My attacks would fill a ream,

Yet none will buy or back my cry,—

1 can’t get up the steam!

At, all the age’s vices

I’ve gone in left and right;

I’ve written dowm Tom Sayers—

I’ve written up John Bright;

’Gainst cakes and ale in general
I’ve turned my vitriol stream ;

But cakes and ale do still prevail;

I can’t get up the steam !

It’s awful to contemplate
A nation like our own,

Going headlong to perdition
(As the Star has often shown).

They tread the flowery pathway,

Wrapped in their fatal dream,

And turn deaf ears to all my fears,—

I can’t get up the steam !

When, our Commons’ rights invading,

The Peers’ presumptuous vote
Keeps up the excise on paper,

In vain I swell my throat,—

Vain an “outraged constitution”

And a “ down-trod people” seem,

E’en a “ bloated aristocracy ”

Will not get up the steam !

In short, the country’s apathy

To Times, Peers, Church, and Crown;
Must sicken one who fain would see
All things turned upside down;

Who’d make the Star its country’s guide,
Eor the Times' delusive beam—

But the more I preach the fewer I reach—
And I can’t get up the steam!

Oh, what this England yet might be,

If Bright were at the helm,

With a graduated Income-Tax
All taxes to o’erwhelm—

And Universal Suffrage—

But hence too pleasing dream,

For that bright page—that Golden Age—
I can’t get up the steam !

Old Port and Old Fogies.

The cause of greyness in the hair, in many
instances, may be traced to a too copious in-
dulgence in port wine. When we consider the
composition of the mixture ordinarily sold
under that name, we may easily understand
how the practice of imbibing it is calculated to
give one who is not old the appearance of an
elder-Iv gentleman.