Punch: Punch (46.1864)

(A CHAPTER FROM THE HISTORY OF THE FUTURE.)

fTIHE Confederates having put down the Federal Rebellion, the American people had time to look round them, and
consider how they could best reform institutions which had worked somewhat imperfectly. The executions of
Butler and of James Gordon Bennett had tended to conciliate all parties, and tlie work of restoring good humour
was completed by the publication, on the part of the ex-President, Me. Lincoln', of a delightful volume, containing all
the facetious anecdotes with which he had successfully met the various Federal disasters. Mitchell and Manhattan
having been judicially drowned in one mud-cart, and the fanatic war-preaching clergymen of all denominations, together
with ninety-five per cent, of the newspaper writers, having been embarked in the old man-of-war, the Nemesis, which
was then carefully scuttled off Point Comfort, there was little left to do in the way of punishment.

North and South being unanimous in regard to the necessity of a new constitution, Conventions were held, and
the first step was to abolish universal suffrage. The next was to exclude from the vote all Irishmen, Germans, British
Insolvents, and other voluntary and involuntary refugees. A further process of filtration disfranchised all war-con-
tractors, telegram-manufacturers, stock-jobbers, liquor-vendors, and all persous who had ever assumed any of the
nicknames of party. A property and education test was established, and a very tolerable electoral body, representing
Honest America, was tbus obtained. It was then seen that if a re-union of the States were possible, it could only be
under a King, who must not be an American.

Like the eyes of the millions of pigeons who, in one of Mr. Fenimore Cooper’s stories, were suddenly brought
down by the discharge of a cannon loaded with small shots, the eyes of all the Americans were suddenly upturned, and
they rested on His Royal Highness, the Grand Dure Punch.

A Deputation from America crossed the Atlantic, and without waiting to comb its hair, or to be introduced
by Messrs. Adams, Slidell, and Ira Aldridge (the North, South, and Coloured Ambassadors), entered The Presence.

“Guess, Highness, as you’re the King for our money,” began the Honourable Washington Greenback;
“so order the smartest crown and fixings as can beymoduced, and state date for your crownation, yes, Sir.”

“ On the part of the Old Aristocracy of the New World,” said the Honourable Richmond Cottonpod, “ I offer
Your Royal Highness the opportunity of founding a dynasty that shall transplant the tree of chivalry into the ricb soil
of Columbia.”

“ Iss, Ighness, you berry good King, you outrageous good King, you dam good King,” said the Honourable