Punch: Punch (46.1864)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

11

January 9, 1864.]

[



;

The Rev. Oriel Bland (who has come to perform the duty for an absent friend, at a
small Country Church). “ I suppose a Hymn is sung in the usual simple

MANNER.”

Clerk. “ Oh dear no, Sir ; we have a very efeicient Choir of Singers,
BESIDES THREE VlOLINS, THREE FLUTES, A CLARINET, ACCORDION, HORN, AND
my Bass Fiddle ; an d we sing Four Hymns, besides Chaunting the Psalms
and Litany; we enow Mozart’s Twelfth Service, and to-day we perform
Pdrcell’s Te Deum and Jubilate, besides our usual Anthem; and, Sir, you
NEED NOT TROUBLE YOURSELF TO READ THE BELIEF, FOR WE SlNG THAT TOO;
AND, Sir, WOULD YOU PREFER OUR TUNING-UP FOR THE LAST PIECE DURING YOUR

Exordium or at the Blessing, for my Bass Fiddle will drop half a note
during Service, and-” \The Rev. O.B. turns pale and asks for a, Glass of Water.

THE HOUSEHOLDER’S YOICE CONDUCTOR.

A Voice Conductor, constructed after an old pattern, but on a new principle, has
just been patented. Instead of being similar in form and size to a miniature
ammonite, and small enough to be carried in the waistcoat pocket, it resembles in
shape, and exceeds in dimensions, the good old ear-trumpet of our grandfathers
and grandmothers, and approaches the magnitude of such an acoustic instrument
as would suit the character and purposes of a deaf sovereign in the introduction
to. one of those intellectual performances which at this season constitute the
principal attractions at the theatres. The use to which his Pantomimic Majesty
would apply his ear-trumpet would be principally that of beating his courtiers
about the head with it. That for which a Voice Conductor Las been designedly
fabricated on a scale of exaggeration, is different. The Householder’s Voice
Conductor as it is named by its inventor, is intended to be carried to the Clerken-
well and Central Criminal Court, by householders who may have the misfortune
to be summoned away from their businesses and the bosoms of their families to
perform the useless functions of Grand Jurymen at the Old Bailey and Middlesex
Sessions. The householder who has had the wisdom to provide himself with this
ingenious .contrivance, should apply it to his ear with conspicuous alacrity whilst
the jury-list is 'called over,. ana, when the jury are to be sworn, he should get
close to the clerk who administers the oath, and insist upon thrusting the Voice
Conductor against his mouth. By thus attracting the attention of the presiding
Judge, he may happily succeed in obtaining his discharge; although, to be sure,
the Judge may justly consider stone-deafness itself to constitute no impediment to
the discharge of that limited duty, for the farce of whose performance the necessity
or attending to be cooped up m a filthy place, and brought into contact with
disgustmg brutes, is imposed upon the Middlesex Grand Juryman.

A PANTOMIME MEDLEY.

Air—“Billy Fatter son."

Solo. ’Tis at Covent Garden at this merry time,

Chorus of Children. Oh, Pyne and Harrison !

Solo. St. George and the Dragon is their Pantomime.

Now I tell ye,

Now I tell ye,

That splendid Prince! I see
Him smiling now on me,

Of course the “ He” ’s a “ She.”

And then the Sceneree!

The Paynes on hobbies ride;

Erom laughing at their fun.

You’ll have pains in your side.

Chorus of 'Everybody delighted. Oh, Pyne and Harrison !

Solo by Paterfamilias. At Old Drury Lane we must all

of us show.

Chorus of Enthusiastic Juveniles. Oh, E. B. Chatterton !
Solo. Where Sindbad the Sailor is really a “ Go.”

So I tell ye,

So I tell ye,

A child, a baby wee,

Plays very cleverH?

The Old Man of the Sea,

’Tis wonderful to me!

To Drury ride or walk.

But stop there till ’tis done.

Then loudly call for Ealc-

-oner and Chatterton !

Air— “ GentleZitella."

At the Adelphi,

Lady Bella Belle
Goes after Leah
Uncommonly well.

And for the title.

We’d say ’tis the thing
Which in the ears of
The Town ought to ring.

Air—“ Ole Ban Tucker.”

I came to town the other night
I asked the people for a Christmas Sight:

“ To the Princess’s Theatre you should go,” said they,
“ To see Tom Tucker, ’tain’t out of your way.”

Quite in my way,

Is Tom Tucker! (bis.)

Quite in my way
Is Tom Tucker,

Then go back to Evans’s for supper.

Air—“ The Bold Marco." Mr. Fechter’s Popular Song in Bel Bemonio.

“ Soho ! Soho! ” Dean Street, Soho !

You will see such a “glorious” sight ;

Eor Ixion he ’ll

Still remain “ at the Wheel,”

Eor many a winter’s night.

Soho ! Soho! ’tis the place to go ! >

[Da capo tcith a long run.

KNOX ET PRHTEREA NIHIL !

In these days of startling and puzzling advertisements, it
is pleasant to find that the Go-a-headers in the fourth
quarter of the world are introducing an elegant and pleasing
style of literature into their advertising columns. We
extract the following from an American paper :—

“ Light and Becoming.—It is very desirable at this season to
have the head furnished with a light, cool Hat; but at the same time
we must not ignore beauty, or sacrifice appearance to comfort,
especially when there is no occasion for it, while Knox, of No. 212,
Broadway, has such elegant and becoming styles of soft and straw Hats
suitable for all heads, as light as air, and as cool as cucumbers.”

The conjunction placed between “soft” and “straw”
suggests a difficulty. Are the Soft Hats not of straw, or
are the Straw Hats not soft? We should advise this
talented maker not to put his name in the crown of every
hat, lest some sharp rival might take occasion to observe that,
whether the material was hard or soft, ’twould be incon-
venient to walk about with perpetual Knox on the head.