DOI issue:
February 13, 1864
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16873#0075
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
67
February 13, 1864.]
|
REAL RAILWAY ADVANTAGES.
Scene—The Consulting Room at the hack of the house of Mr. Mag-
neesher, the eminent M.D. Place, voithin very easy walking
distance of two new Metropolitan Lines, which, of course go to Charing
Cross. From the windows of the room can he seen an anything-but-
distant vieio of the two New Stations with telegraph posts, and signals
at work, Policeme?i, Porters, and Passengers moving to and fro ; the
whole conveying an idea of great traffic and active Metropolitan
Railway life. Without the aid of a glass can be plainly read, on the
Right Hand of the View, a large placard headed, Bayswater, Bur-
lington Arcade, Charing Cross, and Borough Line. Trains
every Five Minutes ! Cheap Fares ! And on the Left Hand
a larger placard, advertising The Brompton, Piccadilly, Cha-
ring Cross, Borough and Bloomsbury Line. Trains every
Seven Minutes! Cheaper Fares!
Time—Between Ten and Four.
The Curtain rises to painfully slow music played before the front door by
an itinerant Organman. Mr. Magneesher discovered seated,
looking over his book of Pees and Professional Engagements. Front
door bell rings.
Enter Expected Female Patient, whose nervous system vs somewhat
out of order.
Exp. Patient (dismally). Ah! Mr. Magneesher.
Mr. Mag. (shaking her hand soothingly, and coming straight to the
point.) Well, Mrs. Mumeus, and what are our symptoms, eh?
Nervous Patient. Well—you see—I don’t know what it is—but when-
ever I— {Railway Bell rings. Nervous Patient starts violently).
Good gracious! what’s that—Fire—is it F—F—[is paralysed)
Mr. Mag. {assunnghj). No, it’s only the—
[Railway Bell—Engine shrieks—Whistle screams like a war-whoop.
Patient faints. Mr. Magneesher rings bell.
Enter Mortar, his man.
Mr. Mag. Just—
[.Railway Bells—Shrieks from opposition Engines. As Mr. Mag-
neesher carit hear himself speak, he intimates what is required
in excellent pantomime to his servant. Exit Servant, carrying
out Nervous Patient into an airier apartment.
FRENCH PROFESSION AND ENGLISH PRACTICE.
The closing declaration of M. Rouiier, in the debate on the Address
voted by the French Chamber, is one which, accepting it as trust-
worthy, we should hail with loucl cries of “ Hear, hear ! ” The Imperial
Minister of State said that:—
‘ ‘ France will undertake no foreign war without preliminary concert, except in
cases iu which her own boundaries or her own honour are concerned.”
Mistrust, however, not altogether unfounded, might incline us to
receive the foregoing announcement with parliamentary exclamations
of “Oh, oh!” if not with unparliamentary shouts of “Walker!”
What does M. Rouher mean by the boundaries of France ? Those
which are laid down in the existing Map of Europe, or in the
Map of Europe as traced by the Imperial imagination? Because
the latter may include the Rhine Provinces, at least, and at furthest
any extent of territory. The boundaries of France did not include
Savoy and Nice before France annexed, or conveyed them as the
wise call it; and it may be that any case in which the conveyance
of any boundaries whatsoever by France is concerned would be a ca.se
which France would consider that her boundaries were concerned in.
Then too the honour of France would be concerned in any case wherein
her glory is concerned, if, as seems probable, France regards honour
and glory as convertible terms.
The assurance that France will undertake no foreign war without
prehminary concert, affords some hope of harmony, which may, however,
turn out to be the mere preparation of a discord. France has a reason-
able ear in music; give her the drums and fifes.
Nevertheless, the profession of M. Rouher on behalf of France,
understood in its plain and natural sense, nicely expresses the principle
which every taxable Englishman will implore our Government to
observe in their foreign policy. We have not helped the Poles against
the Emperor oe Russia, nor the South in their struggle to resist
Yankee subjugation; we have not interfered to prevent the “grand
customs ” that are pi’actised by His Majesty the King oe Dahomey.
Honour can hardly prick us on to any intervention, now that it has
tolerated infringements of the Treaty of Vienna. We are men of
business, and have no business to fight except for our boundaries, and
the business which we carry on outside of them.
OUR LAW COURTS.
Enter immediately a very Consumptive Looking Patient.
Mr. Mag. [bows politely). Well, Sir !
Cons. Patient. My—that is—I—I—
[Railway bells as before Simultaneous departure and arrivals of
trains on different lines, in consequence of the “ Up ” express
being a little late.
Mr. Mag. (who has only heard the first part of Patients statement). Your
eye ? Eh ?
{Takes out an unpleasant-looking instrument and approaches Con-
sumptive Patient.
Cons. Patient {frightened). No! No! I was going to say-
{Squeaking of ungreased carriage-wheels and shouting of Porters, who
are shunting something or other, during which Consumptive
Patient strikes his chest several times, to explain that he has
got something the matter with his lungs.
Mr. Mag.' {puzzled, but taking advantage of a momentary lull in the
Railway noises, shouts quickly). Heart ?
Cons. Patient {catching the idea fust in time). Lungs !
{Engines shriek —steam whistles—shunting—shouting—bells—trains
starting and arriving.
[Mu. ^ Magneesher having' expressed in pantomime that he will
“ sound ” his Podient, is about to apply the stethescope. Several
trains pass over iron railway bridge. Mr. Magneesher’s house
is shaken violently. Mr. Magneesher is jerked against Con-
sumptive Patient, taking him sharply in the ribs with the
stethescope.
Cons. Patient {falling in chair and turning very pale). Oh !
[His- mouth is still seen to move, like a fish’s, as if speaking.- he col-
lapses suddenly.
Mr. Mag. {alarmed for his reputation, Rings)—{Enter Mortar)—
Just-
[Whistles—-shrieks—bells—screams—shouting—shunting—ungreased
squeakings—iron-bridge rattling, Sfc. Sgc. Expressive pantomime
on the part of Mr. Magneesher and Exit Mortar bearing out
Second Victim.
[Mr. Magneesher shakes both his fists wildly at the Railway
Stations, utters something not loud but deep, and sits doicn to
write to all the Papers at once as the Curtain descends.
A Pastoral Entertainment.—German Reed’s by Shirley Brooks.
In consequence of the numerous inconveniences still existing in the
legal “runs” out of the Warren of Westminster Hall, the Bench and
Bar have determined, as there appeal’s to be but little chance of any
alterations, additions, or improvements, for some time to come, to accom-
modate themselves to then unhappy circumstances. The officers of the
different Courts (to whom we hereby tender our best thanks—a legal
tender _we in our ignorance hope—for their courtesy) have put us in
possession of some of the possible arrangements.
In order to give a few seats to the Queen’s Counsel near the Judges,
J ustices Blackburn, Mellor, Crompton and Shee will sit in each
other’s laps, turn and turn about.
Jurymen in esse will adopt the same plan. Jurymen in posse will he
in wait under the seats of the former gentlemen.
Senior Barristers will squat hke tailors or Turks, so as to make room
for the Juniors who will be also squatting out of sight below the seats.
When Juniors have to address the Court, they shall do so kneeling,
allowing their heads to appear above the partition. In consequence of
this arrangement, the term “ Standing Counsel ” to any Company shall
be abolished.
The Public shall be at liberty to sit wherever they please. Smoking
allowed iu every part of the Court, except in the chimneys.
Refreshments.—Punctually at one o’clock, apples, oranges, gingerbeer
and Lists of the Causes shall be handed round by those respectable
she-vendors who have been ejected from the pits of the Haymarket,
Princess’s, Lyceum and Adelphi theatres. There will be a private
Luncheon Bar for the Judges only behind the Court of Probate and
Divorce: here there will be a Judicial Luncheon on the table d’hote
principle, to be known as the Judge-Ordinary.
A supply of hot-water bottles, wrappers, comforters and cloaks, and
other protectors against the various currents of air pouring in from all
sorts of unexpected quarters, will be let out by the Ushers and other
Officers of the Courts at a fixed tariff.
The Attorneys shall sit in their own draughts.
These practices will be probably adopted on the first of Apru.
The Great German Knavy.
The Cabinets of Berlin and Vienna are said to have given assurances
that the integrity of the Danish monarchy would be preserved. It
would be a fine thing if they could preserve their own; but there is too
much reason to fear that they haven’t got any.
67
February 13, 1864.]
|
REAL RAILWAY ADVANTAGES.
Scene—The Consulting Room at the hack of the house of Mr. Mag-
neesher, the eminent M.D. Place, voithin very easy walking
distance of two new Metropolitan Lines, which, of course go to Charing
Cross. From the windows of the room can he seen an anything-but-
distant vieio of the two New Stations with telegraph posts, and signals
at work, Policeme?i, Porters, and Passengers moving to and fro ; the
whole conveying an idea of great traffic and active Metropolitan
Railway life. Without the aid of a glass can be plainly read, on the
Right Hand of the View, a large placard headed, Bayswater, Bur-
lington Arcade, Charing Cross, and Borough Line. Trains
every Five Minutes ! Cheap Fares ! And on the Left Hand
a larger placard, advertising The Brompton, Piccadilly, Cha-
ring Cross, Borough and Bloomsbury Line. Trains every
Seven Minutes! Cheaper Fares!
Time—Between Ten and Four.
The Curtain rises to painfully slow music played before the front door by
an itinerant Organman. Mr. Magneesher discovered seated,
looking over his book of Pees and Professional Engagements. Front
door bell rings.
Enter Expected Female Patient, whose nervous system vs somewhat
out of order.
Exp. Patient (dismally). Ah! Mr. Magneesher.
Mr. Mag. (shaking her hand soothingly, and coming straight to the
point.) Well, Mrs. Mumeus, and what are our symptoms, eh?
Nervous Patient. Well—you see—I don’t know what it is—but when-
ever I— {Railway Bell rings. Nervous Patient starts violently).
Good gracious! what’s that—Fire—is it F—F—[is paralysed)
Mr. Mag. {assunnghj). No, it’s only the—
[Railway Bell—Engine shrieks—Whistle screams like a war-whoop.
Patient faints. Mr. Magneesher rings bell.
Enter Mortar, his man.
Mr. Mag. Just—
[.Railway Bells—Shrieks from opposition Engines. As Mr. Mag-
neesher carit hear himself speak, he intimates what is required
in excellent pantomime to his servant. Exit Servant, carrying
out Nervous Patient into an airier apartment.
FRENCH PROFESSION AND ENGLISH PRACTICE.
The closing declaration of M. Rouiier, in the debate on the Address
voted by the French Chamber, is one which, accepting it as trust-
worthy, we should hail with loucl cries of “ Hear, hear ! ” The Imperial
Minister of State said that:—
‘ ‘ France will undertake no foreign war without preliminary concert, except in
cases iu which her own boundaries or her own honour are concerned.”
Mistrust, however, not altogether unfounded, might incline us to
receive the foregoing announcement with parliamentary exclamations
of “Oh, oh!” if not with unparliamentary shouts of “Walker!”
What does M. Rouher mean by the boundaries of France ? Those
which are laid down in the existing Map of Europe, or in the
Map of Europe as traced by the Imperial imagination? Because
the latter may include the Rhine Provinces, at least, and at furthest
any extent of territory. The boundaries of France did not include
Savoy and Nice before France annexed, or conveyed them as the
wise call it; and it may be that any case in which the conveyance
of any boundaries whatsoever by France is concerned would be a ca.se
which France would consider that her boundaries were concerned in.
Then too the honour of France would be concerned in any case wherein
her glory is concerned, if, as seems probable, France regards honour
and glory as convertible terms.
The assurance that France will undertake no foreign war without
prehminary concert, affords some hope of harmony, which may, however,
turn out to be the mere preparation of a discord. France has a reason-
able ear in music; give her the drums and fifes.
Nevertheless, the profession of M. Rouher on behalf of France,
understood in its plain and natural sense, nicely expresses the principle
which every taxable Englishman will implore our Government to
observe in their foreign policy. We have not helped the Poles against
the Emperor oe Russia, nor the South in their struggle to resist
Yankee subjugation; we have not interfered to prevent the “grand
customs ” that are pi’actised by His Majesty the King oe Dahomey.
Honour can hardly prick us on to any intervention, now that it has
tolerated infringements of the Treaty of Vienna. We are men of
business, and have no business to fight except for our boundaries, and
the business which we carry on outside of them.
OUR LAW COURTS.
Enter immediately a very Consumptive Looking Patient.
Mr. Mag. [bows politely). Well, Sir !
Cons. Patient. My—that is—I—I—
[Railway bells as before Simultaneous departure and arrivals of
trains on different lines, in consequence of the “ Up ” express
being a little late.
Mr. Mag. (who has only heard the first part of Patients statement). Your
eye ? Eh ?
{Takes out an unpleasant-looking instrument and approaches Con-
sumptive Patient.
Cons. Patient {frightened). No! No! I was going to say-
{Squeaking of ungreased carriage-wheels and shouting of Porters, who
are shunting something or other, during which Consumptive
Patient strikes his chest several times, to explain that he has
got something the matter with his lungs.
Mr. Mag.' {puzzled, but taking advantage of a momentary lull in the
Railway noises, shouts quickly). Heart ?
Cons. Patient {catching the idea fust in time). Lungs !
{Engines shriek —steam whistles—shunting—shouting—bells—trains
starting and arriving.
[Mu. ^ Magneesher having' expressed in pantomime that he will
“ sound ” his Podient, is about to apply the stethescope. Several
trains pass over iron railway bridge. Mr. Magneesher’s house
is shaken violently. Mr. Magneesher is jerked against Con-
sumptive Patient, taking him sharply in the ribs with the
stethescope.
Cons. Patient {falling in chair and turning very pale). Oh !
[His- mouth is still seen to move, like a fish’s, as if speaking.- he col-
lapses suddenly.
Mr. Mag. {alarmed for his reputation, Rings)—{Enter Mortar)—
Just-
[Whistles—-shrieks—bells—screams—shouting—shunting—ungreased
squeakings—iron-bridge rattling, Sfc. Sgc. Expressive pantomime
on the part of Mr. Magneesher and Exit Mortar bearing out
Second Victim.
[Mr. Magneesher shakes both his fists wildly at the Railway
Stations, utters something not loud but deep, and sits doicn to
write to all the Papers at once as the Curtain descends.
A Pastoral Entertainment.—German Reed’s by Shirley Brooks.
In consequence of the numerous inconveniences still existing in the
legal “runs” out of the Warren of Westminster Hall, the Bench and
Bar have determined, as there appeal’s to be but little chance of any
alterations, additions, or improvements, for some time to come, to accom-
modate themselves to then unhappy circumstances. The officers of the
different Courts (to whom we hereby tender our best thanks—a legal
tender _we in our ignorance hope—for their courtesy) have put us in
possession of some of the possible arrangements.
In order to give a few seats to the Queen’s Counsel near the Judges,
J ustices Blackburn, Mellor, Crompton and Shee will sit in each
other’s laps, turn and turn about.
Jurymen in esse will adopt the same plan. Jurymen in posse will he
in wait under the seats of the former gentlemen.
Senior Barristers will squat hke tailors or Turks, so as to make room
for the Juniors who will be also squatting out of sight below the seats.
When Juniors have to address the Court, they shall do so kneeling,
allowing their heads to appear above the partition. In consequence of
this arrangement, the term “ Standing Counsel ” to any Company shall
be abolished.
The Public shall be at liberty to sit wherever they please. Smoking
allowed iu every part of the Court, except in the chimneys.
Refreshments.—Punctually at one o’clock, apples, oranges, gingerbeer
and Lists of the Causes shall be handed round by those respectable
she-vendors who have been ejected from the pits of the Haymarket,
Princess’s, Lyceum and Adelphi theatres. There will be a private
Luncheon Bar for the Judges only behind the Court of Probate and
Divorce: here there will be a Judicial Luncheon on the table d’hote
principle, to be known as the Judge-Ordinary.
A supply of hot-water bottles, wrappers, comforters and cloaks, and
other protectors against the various currents of air pouring in from all
sorts of unexpected quarters, will be let out by the Ushers and other
Officers of the Courts at a fixed tariff.
The Attorneys shall sit in their own draughts.
These practices will be probably adopted on the first of Apru.
The Great German Knavy.
The Cabinets of Berlin and Vienna are said to have given assurances
that the integrity of the Danish monarchy would be preserved. It
would be a fine thing if they could preserve their own; but there is too
much reason to fear that they haven’t got any.