DOI Heft:
February 2, 1867
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16879#0049
February 2, 1867.J
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
41
A FLOURISHING STATE OF AFFAIRS.
ur Dramatic Authors com-
plain that while Managers
continue to make fortunes
out of long runs and enormous
successes, the cold weather
continues so to numb their
fingers as to render them use-
less for writing.
By the way, the returns from
the provincial Managers show
what fortunes successful and
“ distinguished Authors” may
make if they are only lucky.
In the Lacy v. Toole case a
Mr. Viner states, in a letter
put in as evidence, the drama-
tists’ fees in the provinces
ranged from two to three shil-
lings a-night. There’s a
gigantic sum ! Croesus will
soon be but a synonym for
Dramatic Author. The Actor,
starring about the coun-
try, does not manage (poor
wretch!) to pocket more than
forty or fifty pounds a-night,
while that exorbitant vam-
pire, the Dramatic Author,
to whom in many cases he owes more than half his success, is sacking no small advantage
out of these performances, drawing (the mean scoundrel!) not less than two or three shillings
per night!
The “ Star ” returns home with two or threethousand pounds (poor unfortunate man !), and
the three or four Dramatic Authors, whose pieces (lucky dogs that they are!) he has been
kind enough to play, divide a five-pound note between them.
NO STANDING JOKE.
The natives of Colchester were probably more
or less astonished the other day at a Conserva-
tive dinner, when thamks for a toast were re-
turned by Colonel Learmonth, in a speech
the conclusion of which looks likely to be re-
garded as rather peculiarly post-prandial:—
“ One word more before he sat down : as a Church-
man, he should support the Church of England as long
as he could stand.”
The perfect coherency, and considerable sharp-
ness of the gallant Colonel’s previous observa-
tions, oblige us to warn his political opponents
against attempting to make any joke at his
expense on the foregoing declaration.
CHANGE FOR DR. MANNING.
Mr. Punch,
You doubtless rejoice to see that Dr.
Manning is willing to accept the silver age of
toleration as the next best thing to the golden
age of unity. His Church, then, no longer goes
in for either “ mastery or martyrdom.” I think
I remember a passage in a certain sermon, which
said that it did. Could that sermon have been
Dr. Manning’s ? If so, Dr. Manning is to be
congratulated on a happy change of his Church’s
mind, if not on a vast enlightenment of his own.
The silver which he is now content to take in
lieu of gold is no small change. I give him joy
of it. Sir, and am, Yours truly, Mem.
A Band-Box.—An Orchestra.
A PROPHET AT EAULT.
There is an old song that tells us
“ ’Tis a pity when charming women
Talk of things they do not understand,”
and the same with equal truth may be said of charming preachers.
Dr. Cumming, who is one of the most charming preachers going (at
least, so many persons think), has unfortunately talked about the end
of the world, which is a thing that nobody can expect to understand.
It is a pity that he did so, for, when a preacher becomes popular, some
people have an awkward way of recollecting what he tells them. Then
unpleasant little paragraphs creep into the newspapers, as, for instance,
this :—
“ A short time ago, in a letter to the Times, Dr. Gumming protested that he had
never fixed any specific period for the end of the world, but had merely said that
prophecy did not extend beyond the year 1866. Mr. James Grant, editor of the
Morning Advertiser, and author of the End of All Things, just published, declares, in
that work, in a most emphatic manner, that Dr. Cumming did say that the world
would certainly come to an end long before this.”
Mr. Punch, who has.read everything, of course has read the Pnd of
All Things, and can in a moment point to the passage here referred
to:—
“I myself heard him, as far back as twenty years ago, affirm, as a matter of
fact—not advanco as a matter of opinion—that in four years, possibly in a shorter
time than that, the world would come to an end in the literal acceptation of the
words. This was stated on a Sunday morning, in Exeter Hall, not in my hearing
only, but in the presence of about five thousand people, among whom, as may
well be imagined, the absolute unconditional assertion produced no ordinary
excitement.”
In future, Dr. Cumming doubtless will be careful how he prophe-
sies. Indeed, he had much better give that business up to Mr. Punch.
The latter has for years been famous as a prophet. His Derby pro-
phecy is annually looked for with intense anxiety and interest, and, by
his own showing, is annually fulfilled. Dr. Cumming, should he feel
again impelled to prophesy, would be wise, before he does so, to con-
sult with Mr. Punch. The great rule with the latter is never to predict
what he will not have the power to prove as having come to pass. It
is this which has sustained his high prophetic reputation, and gained
for his predictions such remarkable success. Had Dr. Cumming but
attended to this golden rule, he would stand a better chance of being
listened to with interest than he now can hope to do. Small prophets
should not prophesy upon great events. Such events as the Derby
are quite large enough for prophets now-a-days to speak about, and
even such events as these are best left to the prophetic soul of Mr.
Punch,
The Most Modest Thing in Creation.—The Retiring Tide.
THE EXHIBITION OF ’67.
Sir,
They have refused to allow me any space. When I say they,
I mean the Commissioners, not the Emperor Napoleon, between
whom and myself has passed some very pleasant correspondence which
it does not become me to make public. The Emperor has been all
politeness, but lias been unable to offer me any other space than what
I may be able to find outside the Parisian Building, with which some
people say I ought to be contented. I am not contented. But the
world loses, not I. Permit me, Sir, to forward to you a list of what
the world will lose by not permitting me to exhibit. I have invented
and patented the following articles, being, I must tell you, chiefly an
inventor of things portable. First—
A. A Pocket Poker, with tongs and shovel to match.
B. Bedstead adapted for waistcoat-pockets. I must add a note to
this. It is adapted wonderfully to the waistcoat pockets, but,
of course, it depends upon how many waistcoats you take
with you.
C. A small Cottage Piano, works complete, double action, adapted
to the breast-pocket of a surtout.
D. The Surtout, with breast-pocket adapted to the cottage piano
aforesaid.
E. A Diamond Tiara for the head, but adapted to the pocket of
any of the Rothschilds.
F. A Portable Stove and General Kitchen Apparatus, with Butler’s
Pantry adjoining.
G. Portrait of the Man by whom the above would be portable.
Every one of these ought to have obtained a first class prize. Perhaps
you will kindly see to rectify this before too late, and oblige, yours
truU> Simonius Dolorocado.
P.S. I forgot to add that in fifty-two portable volumes I am about
to publish The Lives of Celebrated Oysters. Give your orders while the
waiter is in the room.
PP.S. In time I shall be able to send you my plan for portable
Zoological Gardens. I should have finished it this week, but for some
friends calling for me, and insisting upon my returning.with them to
Colwell-Hatchney College, although, having calculated it in logarithms,
I am sure the vacation is not over.
A Suggestion.
After-Dinner Conversation is sometimes called post-prandial talk.
Considering the spirituous character of much of the wine we consume,
would it not be more correct to say post-brandial ?
Vol. 52.
2—2
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
41
A FLOURISHING STATE OF AFFAIRS.
ur Dramatic Authors com-
plain that while Managers
continue to make fortunes
out of long runs and enormous
successes, the cold weather
continues so to numb their
fingers as to render them use-
less for writing.
By the way, the returns from
the provincial Managers show
what fortunes successful and
“ distinguished Authors” may
make if they are only lucky.
In the Lacy v. Toole case a
Mr. Viner states, in a letter
put in as evidence, the drama-
tists’ fees in the provinces
ranged from two to three shil-
lings a-night. There’s a
gigantic sum ! Croesus will
soon be but a synonym for
Dramatic Author. The Actor,
starring about the coun-
try, does not manage (poor
wretch!) to pocket more than
forty or fifty pounds a-night,
while that exorbitant vam-
pire, the Dramatic Author,
to whom in many cases he owes more than half his success, is sacking no small advantage
out of these performances, drawing (the mean scoundrel!) not less than two or three shillings
per night!
The “ Star ” returns home with two or threethousand pounds (poor unfortunate man !), and
the three or four Dramatic Authors, whose pieces (lucky dogs that they are!) he has been
kind enough to play, divide a five-pound note between them.
NO STANDING JOKE.
The natives of Colchester were probably more
or less astonished the other day at a Conserva-
tive dinner, when thamks for a toast were re-
turned by Colonel Learmonth, in a speech
the conclusion of which looks likely to be re-
garded as rather peculiarly post-prandial:—
“ One word more before he sat down : as a Church-
man, he should support the Church of England as long
as he could stand.”
The perfect coherency, and considerable sharp-
ness of the gallant Colonel’s previous observa-
tions, oblige us to warn his political opponents
against attempting to make any joke at his
expense on the foregoing declaration.
CHANGE FOR DR. MANNING.
Mr. Punch,
You doubtless rejoice to see that Dr.
Manning is willing to accept the silver age of
toleration as the next best thing to the golden
age of unity. His Church, then, no longer goes
in for either “ mastery or martyrdom.” I think
I remember a passage in a certain sermon, which
said that it did. Could that sermon have been
Dr. Manning’s ? If so, Dr. Manning is to be
congratulated on a happy change of his Church’s
mind, if not on a vast enlightenment of his own.
The silver which he is now content to take in
lieu of gold is no small change. I give him joy
of it. Sir, and am, Yours truly, Mem.
A Band-Box.—An Orchestra.
A PROPHET AT EAULT.
There is an old song that tells us
“ ’Tis a pity when charming women
Talk of things they do not understand,”
and the same with equal truth may be said of charming preachers.
Dr. Cumming, who is one of the most charming preachers going (at
least, so many persons think), has unfortunately talked about the end
of the world, which is a thing that nobody can expect to understand.
It is a pity that he did so, for, when a preacher becomes popular, some
people have an awkward way of recollecting what he tells them. Then
unpleasant little paragraphs creep into the newspapers, as, for instance,
this :—
“ A short time ago, in a letter to the Times, Dr. Gumming protested that he had
never fixed any specific period for the end of the world, but had merely said that
prophecy did not extend beyond the year 1866. Mr. James Grant, editor of the
Morning Advertiser, and author of the End of All Things, just published, declares, in
that work, in a most emphatic manner, that Dr. Cumming did say that the world
would certainly come to an end long before this.”
Mr. Punch, who has.read everything, of course has read the Pnd of
All Things, and can in a moment point to the passage here referred
to:—
“I myself heard him, as far back as twenty years ago, affirm, as a matter of
fact—not advanco as a matter of opinion—that in four years, possibly in a shorter
time than that, the world would come to an end in the literal acceptation of the
words. This was stated on a Sunday morning, in Exeter Hall, not in my hearing
only, but in the presence of about five thousand people, among whom, as may
well be imagined, the absolute unconditional assertion produced no ordinary
excitement.”
In future, Dr. Cumming doubtless will be careful how he prophe-
sies. Indeed, he had much better give that business up to Mr. Punch.
The latter has for years been famous as a prophet. His Derby pro-
phecy is annually looked for with intense anxiety and interest, and, by
his own showing, is annually fulfilled. Dr. Cumming, should he feel
again impelled to prophesy, would be wise, before he does so, to con-
sult with Mr. Punch. The great rule with the latter is never to predict
what he will not have the power to prove as having come to pass. It
is this which has sustained his high prophetic reputation, and gained
for his predictions such remarkable success. Had Dr. Cumming but
attended to this golden rule, he would stand a better chance of being
listened to with interest than he now can hope to do. Small prophets
should not prophesy upon great events. Such events as the Derby
are quite large enough for prophets now-a-days to speak about, and
even such events as these are best left to the prophetic soul of Mr.
Punch,
The Most Modest Thing in Creation.—The Retiring Tide.
THE EXHIBITION OF ’67.
Sir,
They have refused to allow me any space. When I say they,
I mean the Commissioners, not the Emperor Napoleon, between
whom and myself has passed some very pleasant correspondence which
it does not become me to make public. The Emperor has been all
politeness, but lias been unable to offer me any other space than what
I may be able to find outside the Parisian Building, with which some
people say I ought to be contented. I am not contented. But the
world loses, not I. Permit me, Sir, to forward to you a list of what
the world will lose by not permitting me to exhibit. I have invented
and patented the following articles, being, I must tell you, chiefly an
inventor of things portable. First—
A. A Pocket Poker, with tongs and shovel to match.
B. Bedstead adapted for waistcoat-pockets. I must add a note to
this. It is adapted wonderfully to the waistcoat pockets, but,
of course, it depends upon how many waistcoats you take
with you.
C. A small Cottage Piano, works complete, double action, adapted
to the breast-pocket of a surtout.
D. The Surtout, with breast-pocket adapted to the cottage piano
aforesaid.
E. A Diamond Tiara for the head, but adapted to the pocket of
any of the Rothschilds.
F. A Portable Stove and General Kitchen Apparatus, with Butler’s
Pantry adjoining.
G. Portrait of the Man by whom the above would be portable.
Every one of these ought to have obtained a first class prize. Perhaps
you will kindly see to rectify this before too late, and oblige, yours
truU> Simonius Dolorocado.
P.S. I forgot to add that in fifty-two portable volumes I am about
to publish The Lives of Celebrated Oysters. Give your orders while the
waiter is in the room.
PP.S. In time I shall be able to send you my plan for portable
Zoological Gardens. I should have finished it this week, but for some
friends calling for me, and insisting upon my returning.with them to
Colwell-Hatchney College, although, having calculated it in logarithms,
I am sure the vacation is not over.
A Suggestion.
After-Dinner Conversation is sometimes called post-prandial talk.
Considering the spirituous character of much of the wine we consume,
would it not be more correct to say post-brandial ?
Vol. 52.
2—2