Punch (52.1867)

146

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[April 13, 1867.


it. But the Horse Guards stuck by the Cat, and another kind of whip
had been used, so flogging was re-enacted by 175 to 162. Not only
this, but Sir George Grey managed to interject the suggestion that
for so bad a crime as mutiny no soldier ought to escape the Cat, and
the end was that whereas Sir Joen Pakington had intended to
exempt nine-tenths of the service from the chance of being flogged,
that chance is now re-distributed over the whole Army ! There was
much heat, and much hope that the country would take note of the
proceeding. Mr. Punch, who never indulges in either heat or hope,
simply notes that though there is apparent retrogression, the cause of
sense and humanity has gained, and he applauds Mr. Otway, who has
managed the Cat-hunt admirably, and who declares that next year he
will again loose the dogs upon the sanguinary beast.

A debate on Navy Estimates produced some shameful disclosures,
but Government got all the boys, men, and money asked for, and
Mr. Punch went home singing “ Fool Britannia.”

Tuesday. Lord Shaftesbury made some exceedingly sensible
remarks on the dangerous practice of releasing criminal lunatics. He
told this little anecdote :—

“ The last time he went over Bethlem he spoke on the subject to the emi-
nent medical man who presided over that great establishment; and the answer he
received was, ‘ I suppose there are twenty men in this room who have said to me
at different times—If ever we get out we will take your life, and no harm will be
done to us, because having been declared to be lunatics, the utmost penalty we
could possibly incur would be to be brought back here.’ ”

Lord Amberley begins his legislative career by introducing a
little Bill permitting certain performances called “ sendees ” at St.
Martin’s Hall, on Sundays. There are lectures, which are enlivened
by music, and money is taken at the doors. Singers are paid, and are
dressed “ as they would be at a theatre,” says Mr. Kinnaird, who
does not seem to know much about theatres. As this species of
Service is at present illegal. Lord Amberley proposes to legalise it.
What will Dr. Cumming say to him ?

Mr. Debt (Scarborough) brought under the notice of the House a
system so abomiuable that nothing but the intensest hypocrisy can
call this a Christian nation, while such a tiling exists. It is known as
the Gang System, and is applied to agricultural labour. A slave-
driver hires a gang, chiefly of children of both sexes, some as young
as five, but mostly boys and girls approaching the age of puberty, and
makes as much as he can by taking these creatures about the country,
and letting out their labour to farmers. The cruelty to the children is
the least frightful part of the system, the demoralisation is too hideous
to be more than hinted at here. But look to it, gentlemen philanthro-
pists, if you have sympathies for anybody but niggers. A debate
followed, in which several speakers at least used earnest words.
Mr. Walpole wished for more information, which is to be obtained.
In other language, the disagreeable subject is got rid of for some time.

Two hours’ debate on the question whether the State ought not to
take upon itself the debts of a bankrupt railway, and also acquire the
railway itself. Mr. Gladstone thought the question “vast,” and that
the H ouse was not in a condition to decide it, and the House agreed
with him.

Another effort by the Attorneys to get rid of their Certificate Duty.
But it brings £90,000 a-year, and is really a fair tax. Punch would
advise its being doubled, if that would tend to keep needy cads out of
an honourable profession.

Wednesday. Actually, our persistent friend, Mr. Darby Griffith,
tried his hand at a bit of legislation about Voting Papers for Joint
Stock Companies. Blandly smiling on Mr. Griffith, the House went
into Committee, and placidly cut out the first clause, which was the
only one of importance, and the Bill collapsed. But Mr. Ayrton
fared no better witli a Bill about Spiritual Destitution. A Bill for
improving Irish Sea-fisheries, however, was read a Second Time. Let
the Irish fishermen get never such hauls, they will not bring up such
odd fish as the gentlemen who to-day decided that the Waterford
Election was valid, because there was rioting everywhere, but no
general riot.

Thursday. Some time back, Mr. Punch offered the profound advice
that Spain should be cut in four, and divided among civilised nations.
It is not impossible that the operation may be performed. There is
our Tornado quarrel with her, and she has still to account for her
conduct in that respect. But, last year, she seized another vessel,
belonging to Gibraltar, and called the Queen Victoria, and this was
without any sort of justification—the ship was not even in Spanish
waters. Ever since, the Spanish Government have been simply “ hum-
bugging,” and have finished by a proposal which is itself an insult.
The British Lion is roused. Lord Stanley has sent a peremptory
demand for restitution, compensation, and apology. If these be
denied, the Escurial is immediately to be seized, and brought to England
in several ships.

We had the Budget. Mr. Disraeli made the shortest speech ever
heard on such a subject. But he really had only to say that having a
surplus of £1,206,000, he wished to foliow Mr. Gladstone’s lead, and
reduce the National Debt, by means of Life-Annuities. He also
reduced Marine Assurances to threepence per cent., and kept a trifle ,

(a quarter of a million) in hand. The Budget, and the lucidity of the
Chancellor, were alike approved. (It was only our fun, Mrs. Grundy,
when we mentioned a Deficiency,—we wanted to frighten you out of
talking about Women having Votes, you dear old goose.)

Friday. Out of about a dozen topics, only two or three demand the
attention of Mr. Punch. Baron Bramwell was vindicated far having
increased the sentence on two ruffians who, in the dock, made a
murderous attack on the officers; Mr. Lowe was defeated in an
attempt to prevent the outlay of more money on primary schools,
Mr. Corry saying that he did not mind violating political economy;
and Mr. Armstrong was greeted with roars of laughter for proposing
an anti-bribery oath. Mr. Punch does not see the fun.

But the great event of the niglit was a Notice, given on behalf of the
Liberal party, who had met, in the afternoon, at Mr. Gladstone’s.
To the eloquent and delicate handling of Mr. Coleridue was con-
signed an Instruction to the Committee on the Reform Bill, to the
effect that the System of Rating is to be altered, no one to vote who
pays less than a certain amount, and all who pay more to have an
equal vote. This was called a Gentle but Eirm pressure on the Govern-
ment. Before these lines are an Instruction to the Universe, some
shall see. “ What shall some see?” “Nay, nothing. Master Moth,
but what they look upon.”

PEEPS AT PARIS.

PEEP THE FOURTH.

My first direction for visiting the Egsposissiong will be to visit the
Prussian Court. In order to do this hire a man with a broom, sweep
away the accumulated dust of months, and then let him give you his
hand over the first set of packing-cases marked “ Glass with care.”

Arrived on the top of this first Glassier, you will look about you. 11
evening comes on yon suddenly, wrap yourself up and lie down to
slumber, like a warrior taking your rest, with your martial cloak
around you. But to avoid this make the ascent of Mount Packing-
caseus early in the morning. Do this, and you will be enchanted with
the view which presents itself to your eye when the first rays of the
sun fall upon the pale picturesque bales, the brown sawdust which has
fallen heavily during the night, and perhaps a large trunk or two lying
helplessly, crushed by its own weight, which has also fallen heavily
during the night. When you have reached the summit of the Titanic
Apollo, which, being about thirty feet from toe to top, is a fine speci-
men of genuine high art, pause and take some refreshment.

As at this height there are no refreshments, the best substitute is to
take breath. You came up here for a blow: it will do you good.
Talking of blows, take care that the next case above your head loosely
placed, and containing metal devices and small works in bronze doesn’t
fall upon you. Safely over the next box what a view you obtain of
the Exposissiong! Here I sat for I cannot say how long, lost in
reverie, and utterly unheeding the admonitions of a Surgeon der Veal
below.

A Burgeon der Veal is a policeman. Did he think I wanted to steal
the Titanic Apollo thirty feet high ?

My dear visitor, if inclined to be dishonest, do not attempt such a
thing : the Prench spies are everywhere : they would be sure to see you.

The Surgeon der Meal waited for me for some time, but I waved my
hand to him, and gallantly jumped on to the next box.

This must be your line of country at present.

Sursum corda! I mean lift yourself up by the ropes which you will
find still fastening the bales together.

Fxcelsior ! Excelsior ! This is Latin, and is conversationally trans-
lated by “twopence more and up goes the donkey.” On your part,
however, never mind the twopence, but go up.

The next packing-case, containing a Titanic Apollo, which, with the
assistance of another block, containing crockery, completely shuts out
the Austrian Court, must be carefully ascended.

V'lar! Voller! This is French, and spelt voila. Always say it
sharply and quickly when you want to attract any one’s attention. It
means everything : so does cum sar. So does May wee. Say ’em one
after the other, and see what ’ll happen.

I can’t send any more to-day, as in consequence of making a false
step I performed a rapid act of descent on to the Austrian territory,
and fell quite unexpectedly into the very midst of the Royal party and
the Japanese ambassadors.

The Royal party, consisting of Lumpyraw and Larmperrytreece,
started back, exclaiming, “Mong Boo!” which means nothing more
than “Good gracious!” though literally it is impermissible in English
society.

I understood it, however. What the embassy from Japan observed.

I did not understand. I fell on my knees. I do not mean when I
came off the packing-case ; but afterwards, before Lumpyraw.

As His Majesty wished to see the Egsposissiong, I wouldn’t detain
him, and he wouldn’t detain me.

In my next 1 shall take my visitors for a turn round Parry, and then
we ’ll go into the Egsposissiong again.