Punch (52.1867)

May 4. 1867.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

171

NOVELTY FOR THE NAVY.

Letter from a Post-Captain

.On.

unch, old Boy,—This
is the day of the
Volunteer Review at
Dover. At least yes-
terday was the day:
forgive the inaccu-
racy, but somehow
from circumstances,
over which I had no
control, I have got a
little muddled as to
dates. As the present
Mrs . W illiam Hat l y
(nee Miss Black-
eyed Susan) used to
gay to me, “ Captain,
you’ve had some-
thing stronger than
welch-rarebit,” and
last night, such, my
dear Sir, was, I regret
to say, the case. A
case, in fact, of
wine.

This statement,
honourable as it may
appear to be to all
concerned, is not, in
point of fact, in any
way connected with
the subject of my
letter to you.

Dover has super-
seded Brighton.

The Volunteers
were intrusted with
the duty of defend-
This duty they discharged, as they did their

mg the Castle from the attack by land and sea.
cannon, admirably.

Now, Sir, I have nothing to do with the land. The Military Volunteers are excellent in
iheir way, but, permit me to observe, their way is not mine. I am R.N., and when I
was no higher than a small powder-monkey, I was
shipped on board the Leviathan. My proclivities are
Sowards the sea; “the blue, the fresh, the ever free,”
as the song says.

Here is my idea then. Why do we not at once start a
Volunteer Navy? Mind, that is what we shall want
one of these days ; and let people, instead of giving
testimonials to one another, on the tickle-me-ana-I Tl-
tickle-you principle, spend their money in rigging out
some thorough sea-going vessels, beginning with
Training Ships for amateur Sailors ? Why not. Sir, Volun-
teer Marines ? Tell that to that branch of the service.

Ships there are in plenty lying idle in dock, and
costing us heaps of money to keep out of repair. Just
sail about Portsmouth, as I’ve lately done, and see
how many vessels there are in dock that might serve
my present idea, and be of some use to Government,
beyond the money they ’ll ultimately fetch as firewood
and old iron.

Glad to see you any evening you like to drop in and
talk the matter over in the Admiral Benbow Tavern,

(of which you only see the exterior in Scene 3), and
so, Sir, farewell.

I enclose my card.

Calumny whispers that you are too accessible
to flattery—that a handsome candidate would
certainly be carried by a show of hands in
primrose gloves (sixes) ; that a knowledge of
figures (not arithmetical) and a willingness to
admire and praise them would supersede all
other qualifications.

_ Let such discreditable views be at once
dissolved, and let Pall Mall have ocular demon-
stration of your Spartan severity and scorn.

Avoid agitation as you would a younger son.

Exhibit no chignons, but let your demeanour
be distinguished by a lofty, dignified and in-
dependent air.

Listen not to sophists, who tell you that
beauty was born to be honoured and adored, nor
weep if to secure a vote you lose a votary.

By Order of the Council,

Portia Portico, President.

PROPOSED DEMONSTRATION OE THE EAIR UNREPRESENTED.

The Executive Council of the National and Eashionable Association for the vindication of
feminine rights to the enlightened but enslaved Enchantresses of England.

Greeting.

Ladies, Non-Electors!

It has been asserted by timid men, both in place and out of place, that you are not
to be trusted with that sweet thing in politics—the Suffrage!

Mark those words “ not to be trusted,” and inscribe them on your work-box cushions in
pins with a peculiar point.

The aspirations of beauty for electoral privileges are natural and noble. Breathe soft
ye winds, and waft a sigh from Lydia to the Poll!

A PRESCRIPTION.

(Suggested by the Paster Monday Review at Dover.)

Inventions we have seen brought out
Sea-sickness for resisting,

As tight the patient’s loins about
A leathern girdle twisting ;

Or, better still, along his spine
A bag of ice applying—

’Tis Dr. Chapman’s plan, not mine,

And must be rather trying.

When towards Albion peaceful France
Across La Manche is stretching,

These methods may afford a chance
To o’er-reach over-retching.

But if, when “ L’ Empire Pest la Paixf
And a fast boat the carrier,

To keep out your sore-tossed Pran^ais
Mai de mer proves no barrier,

What were it, should the day e’er come
When, urged by force centrific,

France should look in on us at home
In fashion less pacific ?

Should red-legged hosts pour o’er in shoals,
We might require, to whack ’em,
Something besides Old Neptune’s rolls.

With iron-clads to back ’em.

Sick they would come, as sick come now
French tourist and French trader;

But not as we treat them, I trow,

We’d physic the invader.

What are the pangs of mail de mer—

Though sore in French opinion—

To those bred of that mal de terre—

The itch for more dominion ?

What cure for that, whose cancer grows,
Whose proud-flesh still gets prouder,

But, thrown in briskly, dose on dose,

Quant, suff. of Dover’s powder.

And if to powder add we pills,

If these the invader swallow—

Treatment that either cures or kills—

A course of steel should follow.

Convertible Consonants.

The celebrated toast of “ The Three R.’s ” has
been hitherto understood to mean merely
Reading, ’Rating, and ’Rithmetic. It may now
be proposed with reference to three Reformers.
The three R.’s might be said to be Bright,
Beales, and Bradlaugh. You might also, of
course, call Bright, Beales, and Bradlaugh
the three B.’s, or Birds of a Feather.

Vol. 52.

6—2