DOI Heft:
June 8, 1867
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16879#0239
June 8, 1867.]
233
PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Lomblarsay was in French, settay urn otter shows; that is, that was
another matter altogether.
I am now going to dine at the Kaffy Onglay, and then to see Lar Grong
JDewshese du Juyrolstine, at which Mong Prangse deb, Wads, when
here, laughed consumedly, while the D-ke of Ed-nb-rgh looked out
the doobil ongtongs for him in a pocket dictionary at the back of the
box. I told ’em I’d tell, and so I have.
Yours,
Peepeb the Great.
LIQUEFACTION WITHOUT CALOUIC?
Thebe exists no record of any supernatural occurrence whicn,
having been investigated, was publicly attested by competent observers.
Such attestation, however, is possible, if the following statement is
true:—
“ The miracle of St. Januarius took place on the 4th of May. The liquefaction of
the blood was witnessed by thousands of the faithful; but a large black globe was
seen in the centre of the vase—a sign, it has always been observed, of great cala-
mities, and the people were much depressed in consequence.”
A PEABODY ON THE TURF.
e man who is endowed with
a big bump of benevolence
is often apt to keep his hat
on, and not let it be visible.
Benevolence and modesty
go often hand in hand, and
publicity is shunned by per-
sons of true charity. In
some cases, however, the
generous are apt to adver-
tise their generosity, and
delight to give publicity to
their gifts to fellow-men.
Such an instance has been
lately brought before our
notice by a Circular received
from a “ Turf Commission
Agency,” headed with a
crest to show its great
respectability, and com-
mencing with engaging
freedom of address—-
“Dear Sir, I beg to inform
you that in the year 1863 1 dis-
covered a principle of Backing
Horses by which winning to
any amount is reduced to a cer-
tainty, and during the years ’64,
’65, and ’66,. have practically
carried it out with the most
incredible success. Statistics
clearly prove that there are every
week (and have been ever since the establishment of Racing) several Horses on which
you may stake £1000 with the positive certainty of landing every bet.
“ Amounts won by the System, starting with £100 capital:—
In 1864 .£30,600
In 1865 .VS.400
In 1866 . 29,000 ”
Such a system must be precious as the stone of the philosopher,
turning everything it touches by magic into gold. One might fear
that its discoverer would keep it to himself, seeing how selfish in its
avarice is the common heart of man. But see what nobly generous
creatures get their living by the turf! The best of men among ns
can hardly ever guess by what pure motives of benevolence our
betters are inspired
“ I shall be happy to arrange a personal interview, and fully prove to you the
System ; my terms being £100 on imparting it, and a written agreement for £900
out of the first £9000 you clear. For less I cannot divulge it entirely, but give the
benefit of it to a select few patrons, with the following result, viz.:—
For every £10 invested £60 per week will be returned.
J>
20
> >
160 ,,
1 J
yy
30
y>
330
yy
50
700
yy
And so on, deducting 10 per cent, as commission. These amounts are guaranteed
weekly."
Ten per cent, is but a flea-bite in the matter of deduction, when
fortunes so colossal may so rapidly be won. Ninety-nine men in a
hundred would have kept their system dark, and have pocketed their
winnings, and have become as rich as Croesus in half-a-dozen years.
Instead of which, this noble benefactor of his species kindly gives him-
self the_ trouble to send circulars about, in order that mere strangers
may enjoy the lion’s share of the millions he must win.
Millions, do we say ? Nay, rather billions, or quatrillions. Like a
share in a brewery, the system yields to its inventor the “potentiality
ot growing rich beyond the dreams of avarice.” For, see what says
the circular—
This is no contribution to the Marvellous Magazine, nor is it any
hoax that has appeared in the Record; it is an extract from a letter in
the Tablet written by our friend the correspondent of that journal at
Rome. Now, then, here we have a phenomenon, periodically occurring,
called a miracle. Nothing would be more easy than to demonstrate it
to be miraculous, if it is, by a decisive experiment. When next the
4th of May, or whichever is the nearest the melting day of St. Jann- j
arius, comes round, let the vessel which contains what is said to be
his blood be surrounded with ice, or otherwise kept all day at a
temperature of 32°. Let it be watched, for any length of time that
may be agreed on by a committee of chemists. If, under those circum-
stances, its contents melt, the supernatural liquefaction of the blood of |
St. Januarius will be established to the satisfaction of the world.
But twelve months nearly is a long time to wait; and in the mean-
while another experiment might be performed, which would be hardly
less conclusive. Put the receptacle, enclosing the substance called the j
blood of St. Januarius, into a warm bath, and raise the temperature
thereof to 212°. If that substance, having ever melted under ordinary
circumstances, does not melt under these, there will be reason to infer ;
that its former liquefaction was a miracle. But this inference will j
require confirmation. See whether that same substance will melt
again. Put the vase which it is preserved in, carefully marked, into
a strong safe, to be kept, by a custodian appointed by the committee |
of investigation, under lock and key, until any day that the priests who
assert its liquefaction may name. Thereon, if it can be got to melt—
by any other means than a heat higher than that of boiling water—
then also will be demonstrated that quod erat demonstrandum.
The appearance of the large black globe which was seen by the faith-
ful in the centre of the vase has not as yet been followed by any
particularly great calamities. Perhaps it won’t be.
“ SCOTS WHA HAE ”
From the Times'1 Court Circular:—
“ Balmoral, May 26.—Yesterday, being tbe anniversary of her Royal Highness
Princess Christian’s birth, when her Royal Highness completed her 21st year, the
Crathie choir sung some pieces of music under the Princess's window at seven
o’clock in the morning.”
Delicate attention! Seven o’clock in the morning, and the poor
Princess perhaps just enjoying her second snooze, or, it may be, not
out of her first refreshing slumber. We have received from our own
M‘Jenkins, our Northern Court Newsman, a copy of the Special
Programme which waked her Royal Highness from her slumbers.
THE CRATHIE CHORISTERS AND SCOTTISH SERENADERS.
PART I.
Overture to Mr. M ‘Dodgal’s unpublished Opera, “ Cock-\ - . , , ,
aleekie,” arranged for sixteen bagpipes, and shouting . J oca a en '
“ Sle*p, Lady, Sleep.” (Solo on one bagpipe). . . . M’Pherson.
The Warriors' Tell of Victory. (Septette for Soprani un-\ Sung by Sandie M‘Cra-
accompanied).j chan and a few friends.
“ The Drones." A Symphony in B for first and second) M‘Mendelssohn
bagpipe.)
A Medley, composed of the bass and second parts to various ) jj0cai taient
Scotch airs, for pipes, fiddle and voices . ... f
PART II.
“ Farewell.’’ A nocturne cm a single pipe .... M'Cleod.
A Lullaby. For sixteen bagpipes.M'Tavish.
“ The Contest oftSounds." By eleven of the Crathie Choir, (with one fiddle) v. Twenty -
two of the Scottish Serenaders (with the Balmoral piper).
We are glad to hear that the Princess was not expected to rise and
return thanks. The Crathie Choir are of opinion that they have now
earned the title of the Celebrated Christy an Minstrels.
“ AH calculation is baffled when an attempt is made to arrive at the point where
the profits of this infallible System really terminate.”
A point, we read in Ruclid, is that which hath no magnitude, and,
without much calculation we may come to the conclusion that this is
just, the size of the “ profits of the system ” to fools who put their
faith in the “ guarantee ” of rogues.
Whichever you Please.
A correspondent, who signs herself “Tilly Slowboy,” writes to
ask whether the pictures she sees in the National Portrait Exhibition
labelled as painted by Tilly Kettle, are the works of a male or female
artist.
The Ladies’ Favourite Scent.—MiLL-fleurs.
The Horse Show.—The Park.
233
PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Lomblarsay was in French, settay urn otter shows; that is, that was
another matter altogether.
I am now going to dine at the Kaffy Onglay, and then to see Lar Grong
JDewshese du Juyrolstine, at which Mong Prangse deb, Wads, when
here, laughed consumedly, while the D-ke of Ed-nb-rgh looked out
the doobil ongtongs for him in a pocket dictionary at the back of the
box. I told ’em I’d tell, and so I have.
Yours,
Peepeb the Great.
LIQUEFACTION WITHOUT CALOUIC?
Thebe exists no record of any supernatural occurrence whicn,
having been investigated, was publicly attested by competent observers.
Such attestation, however, is possible, if the following statement is
true:—
“ The miracle of St. Januarius took place on the 4th of May. The liquefaction of
the blood was witnessed by thousands of the faithful; but a large black globe was
seen in the centre of the vase—a sign, it has always been observed, of great cala-
mities, and the people were much depressed in consequence.”
A PEABODY ON THE TURF.
e man who is endowed with
a big bump of benevolence
is often apt to keep his hat
on, and not let it be visible.
Benevolence and modesty
go often hand in hand, and
publicity is shunned by per-
sons of true charity. In
some cases, however, the
generous are apt to adver-
tise their generosity, and
delight to give publicity to
their gifts to fellow-men.
Such an instance has been
lately brought before our
notice by a Circular received
from a “ Turf Commission
Agency,” headed with a
crest to show its great
respectability, and com-
mencing with engaging
freedom of address—-
“Dear Sir, I beg to inform
you that in the year 1863 1 dis-
covered a principle of Backing
Horses by which winning to
any amount is reduced to a cer-
tainty, and during the years ’64,
’65, and ’66,. have practically
carried it out with the most
incredible success. Statistics
clearly prove that there are every
week (and have been ever since the establishment of Racing) several Horses on which
you may stake £1000 with the positive certainty of landing every bet.
“ Amounts won by the System, starting with £100 capital:—
In 1864 .£30,600
In 1865 .VS.400
In 1866 . 29,000 ”
Such a system must be precious as the stone of the philosopher,
turning everything it touches by magic into gold. One might fear
that its discoverer would keep it to himself, seeing how selfish in its
avarice is the common heart of man. But see what nobly generous
creatures get their living by the turf! The best of men among ns
can hardly ever guess by what pure motives of benevolence our
betters are inspired
“ I shall be happy to arrange a personal interview, and fully prove to you the
System ; my terms being £100 on imparting it, and a written agreement for £900
out of the first £9000 you clear. For less I cannot divulge it entirely, but give the
benefit of it to a select few patrons, with the following result, viz.:—
For every £10 invested £60 per week will be returned.
J>
20
> >
160 ,,
1 J
yy
30
y>
330
yy
50
700
yy
And so on, deducting 10 per cent, as commission. These amounts are guaranteed
weekly."
Ten per cent, is but a flea-bite in the matter of deduction, when
fortunes so colossal may so rapidly be won. Ninety-nine men in a
hundred would have kept their system dark, and have pocketed their
winnings, and have become as rich as Croesus in half-a-dozen years.
Instead of which, this noble benefactor of his species kindly gives him-
self the_ trouble to send circulars about, in order that mere strangers
may enjoy the lion’s share of the millions he must win.
Millions, do we say ? Nay, rather billions, or quatrillions. Like a
share in a brewery, the system yields to its inventor the “potentiality
ot growing rich beyond the dreams of avarice.” For, see what says
the circular—
This is no contribution to the Marvellous Magazine, nor is it any
hoax that has appeared in the Record; it is an extract from a letter in
the Tablet written by our friend the correspondent of that journal at
Rome. Now, then, here we have a phenomenon, periodically occurring,
called a miracle. Nothing would be more easy than to demonstrate it
to be miraculous, if it is, by a decisive experiment. When next the
4th of May, or whichever is the nearest the melting day of St. Jann- j
arius, comes round, let the vessel which contains what is said to be
his blood be surrounded with ice, or otherwise kept all day at a
temperature of 32°. Let it be watched, for any length of time that
may be agreed on by a committee of chemists. If, under those circum-
stances, its contents melt, the supernatural liquefaction of the blood of |
St. Januarius will be established to the satisfaction of the world.
But twelve months nearly is a long time to wait; and in the mean-
while another experiment might be performed, which would be hardly
less conclusive. Put the receptacle, enclosing the substance called the j
blood of St. Januarius, into a warm bath, and raise the temperature
thereof to 212°. If that substance, having ever melted under ordinary
circumstances, does not melt under these, there will be reason to infer ;
that its former liquefaction was a miracle. But this inference will j
require confirmation. See whether that same substance will melt
again. Put the vase which it is preserved in, carefully marked, into
a strong safe, to be kept, by a custodian appointed by the committee |
of investigation, under lock and key, until any day that the priests who
assert its liquefaction may name. Thereon, if it can be got to melt—
by any other means than a heat higher than that of boiling water—
then also will be demonstrated that quod erat demonstrandum.
The appearance of the large black globe which was seen by the faith-
ful in the centre of the vase has not as yet been followed by any
particularly great calamities. Perhaps it won’t be.
“ SCOTS WHA HAE ”
From the Times'1 Court Circular:—
“ Balmoral, May 26.—Yesterday, being tbe anniversary of her Royal Highness
Princess Christian’s birth, when her Royal Highness completed her 21st year, the
Crathie choir sung some pieces of music under the Princess's window at seven
o’clock in the morning.”
Delicate attention! Seven o’clock in the morning, and the poor
Princess perhaps just enjoying her second snooze, or, it may be, not
out of her first refreshing slumber. We have received from our own
M‘Jenkins, our Northern Court Newsman, a copy of the Special
Programme which waked her Royal Highness from her slumbers.
THE CRATHIE CHORISTERS AND SCOTTISH SERENADERS.
PART I.
Overture to Mr. M ‘Dodgal’s unpublished Opera, “ Cock-\ - . , , ,
aleekie,” arranged for sixteen bagpipes, and shouting . J oca a en '
“ Sle*p, Lady, Sleep.” (Solo on one bagpipe). . . . M’Pherson.
The Warriors' Tell of Victory. (Septette for Soprani un-\ Sung by Sandie M‘Cra-
accompanied).j chan and a few friends.
“ The Drones." A Symphony in B for first and second) M‘Mendelssohn
bagpipe.)
A Medley, composed of the bass and second parts to various ) jj0cai taient
Scotch airs, for pipes, fiddle and voices . ... f
PART II.
“ Farewell.’’ A nocturne cm a single pipe .... M'Cleod.
A Lullaby. For sixteen bagpipes.M'Tavish.
“ The Contest oftSounds." By eleven of the Crathie Choir, (with one fiddle) v. Twenty -
two of the Scottish Serenaders (with the Balmoral piper).
We are glad to hear that the Princess was not expected to rise and
return thanks. The Crathie Choir are of opinion that they have now
earned the title of the Celebrated Christy an Minstrels.
“ AH calculation is baffled when an attempt is made to arrive at the point where
the profits of this infallible System really terminate.”
A point, we read in Ruclid, is that which hath no magnitude, and,
without much calculation we may come to the conclusion that this is
just, the size of the “ profits of the system ” to fools who put their
faith in the “ guarantee ” of rogues.
Whichever you Please.
A correspondent, who signs herself “Tilly Slowboy,” writes to
ask whether the pictures she sees in the National Portrait Exhibition
labelled as painted by Tilly Kettle, are the works of a male or female
artist.
The Ladies’ Favourite Scent.—MiLL-fleurs.
The Horse Show.—The Park.