Punch: Punch (52.1867)

242

[June 15, 1867.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

“ALMA MATER.”

YOUNG PUNCHEONBY “ CUTS ”, THE ARMY, AND GOES TO OXFORD TO READ

FOR “THE CHURCH.”

Tutor. “ You are Prepared to Subscribe to the Thirty-Nine Articles-
Puncheonby (with alacrity). “Ah ’th pleash ’ah,—ah—how Mu-ch—

COMING EVENTS.

Dear Punch,

I am very sorry for you. From my heart I pity you. Since Mr. Mill
proposed “ The Ladies! ” you must have had a sad time of it, and gone through
many jokes and much suffering. But of the mildest type compared with the
attack that now threatens you. The Sultan is coming to London, perhaps to
Buckingham Palace. Your only chance of escape is at once to issue a proclama-
tion—Walpole has nothing to do now, he will draw it up for you—warning
various classes of persons off from certain familiar and insulting pleasantries. I
will make some rough notes for the document: Walpole in his leisure hours
can work them into shape, and add the proper quantity of Whereases.

Correct people are not to write to you and say, that they hope there will be
no harum-scarum doings in Buckingham Palace. Lovers of a good glass of wine
are not to write to you and say, that they are delighted at the prospect of having
the Sublime Port(e) here. Upholsterers are not to write to you and say, that they
feel an undying interest in the upholding of the Ottoman Empire, and rejoice to
hear of several magnificent entertainments being on the tapis (Turkey). Grocers
are not to make up small parcels of jokes filled with Sultanas, and headed “ In the
name of the prophet—figs ! ” London tradesmen generally are not to write to you
and say, that great disappointment will be felt if the Mussulmen do not come well
provided with the sinews of war. Young men, otherwise harmless, are not to
venture the insane remark, that the Sultan’s officers were remarkable for their
scymitary ; and Mr. Beales is solemnly warned against writing to offer any
Honorary Presidency to Abdul Aziz, on pain of a punishment peculiarly Turkish—
getting the sack.

All jocular allusions to the sick man, bowstrings, divans, nouns, Pachas, Padi-
shaws, the Valley of Sweet Waters, Turkey at Midsummer instead of Christmas,
a regular Turk, Turkish baths, Turkish towels, Lalla Rookh, and a Hatti-Huma-
youm to be peremptorily forbidden—the penalty for disobedience to orders, perusal,
without missing a word, of M. E. T.’s P. P. (Third Series).

The Veiled Prophet.

Should the Shah come also—but I dare not dwell on this additional calamity.
I will draw a veil over it.

A DRINKING SONG DOR SUMMER.

Air—“ Partant pour la Syrie.”

Now midsummer is drawing nigh,

And time it is to think
Wbat, when a man is hot and dry,

Is best for him to drink.

All minds on one point must agree,

That, whatso’er the bowl,

A cool potation it should be,

To slake a thirsty soul.

Some people to a sober glass,

Would have us all adhere ;

1 will not say that he’s an ass,

Who sticks to ginger-beer.

Nor do I hold that any man
His manhood doth degrade,

Who, when he might quaff cooper, can,
Instead, sip lemonade.

Some not unwisely recommend
A kind of half-and-half;

Their ale with ginger-beer they blend.

And call it Shandy-gaff.

This compound hath, for many men,

A merit of its own ;

That they can drink as much again
Thereof, as ale alone.

In bitter beer ’tis not a few
That now-o’-days rejoice;

No better since most brewers brew,

And so you have no choice.

The British Public now admires
Malt liquor thin and pale ;

Not cleaving, like their thirsty sires,

To good old English ale.

Beer others reckon fit alone
For cad, or rustic swain,

And do a predilection own.

Themselves, for iced champagne :

Which he who drinketh, if he drink
The right thing, doeth well;

Though judges may still better think
The savour of Moselle.

Champagne, Moselle, or Claret-cup
The critic will applaud,

Or, having none ot those to sup.

The Cup of Cider laud.

Let Borage, aromatic plant.

Impart its cordial juice,

If you can get it; if you can’t
Of cucumber make use.

But if you would your draught enjoy,

You will, if you are wise,

Sufficient of your time employ
In work, or exercise.

Then you will drink when you are dry,
According to the rule,

Which he that made, if you will try,

You ’ll find was not a fool.

TIN! TIN! TIN!

For the honour of England, Gentlemen, for the honour
of England ! The Belgians behaved Awfully well to our
Volunteers. Shall we repay them with less worthy hospi-
tality ? Echo answers that she will see us Blowed first,
and then she won’t. Come, send in your subscriptions
to No. 8, St. Martin’s Place, Trafalgar Square, where
“ The Belgian Beception Committee” sit in the chairs of
the English Langue of the order of S. John of Jerusalem.
S. Martin reminds us of the good things the ^ Belgians
made us Swallow, Trafalgar reminds us that “ England
expects every man to do his duty,” and Jerusalem reminds
us that folks who can subscribe and don’t, may go to
Jericho.

The rite of Salisbury.—Judging by the Bishop’s
Bridport, charge.— wrong.