Punch (58.1870)

January 29, 1870.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVAHI. 31

ROME AND RAMSBOTHAM.

ear Mb. Punch,—It is so cold
here, that I can scarcely hold a
pen. I should say the murky
in the glass must have gone
down some decrees below
sneezing point.

The Economical Consul is
still sitting; but sitting still,
except before a fire, is simply
perishing. As to what they 're
doing inside, no one can tell;
and I have received so many
reports, that I am in a regular
state of contusion. However,
what I will tell you, (as there
is nothing about the Great
Doctor being variegated just
at present) is a lot of particu-
lars about their References the
Elastics, now in Rome,—their
habits, their customs, and their manners genially. This, I am sure, will
be interesting to all ladies,—specially to those who belong to the Very
High, or Riddle Party, in our English Church, who are fond of senses,
Jezebels, coops, and like everything, or everybody, infested with the
elastic dignity. The Priests of different nations wear different dresses.
Por instance, the French Elastic: he wears a black cossack, a sultan,
and a pair of rabbits round his neck, not unlike our clergyman's
banns, knee indispensaries and silk stockings, (what they call bardy
swore,) shoes and buckles. What we call our Big Churches, the
French call their Little Elastics,—that is, Abbeys. Out of doors some
wear large coalscuttle hats ; but in Church all wear operettas, to keep
their tonsils warm. The tonsils are only worn by the Regular Clergy
(as a rule,) and are, you know, little round places shaved on the crown,
about the size of half-&-CTown. Why the Irregular Clergy are not
allowed to shave is clear, from their name: but what a state of things,
when Roman Candlesticks can publicly own to a large number of
their Elastics being Irregular! It's quite a candle to anybody.

The Bishops wear nitres, and coops all round them ; also pictorial
crosses round their necks.
The Patriarchs are all here, and I thought they were dead long ago.
How History does lie ! I saw a High Dilatory of the Easter
Church saying Mass. He was dressed in a Jezebel, which congealed
his surplus from sight; but I was told that he didn't wear a surplus,
bat only a bulb, embroiled at the bottom with lace.

I heard Archbishop Manning preach. They say he is a Doctor as
well as an Archbishop, and in very good practice; but how he finds
time to attend to two things puzzles me. But I suppose he has an
assistant to go his rounds in London wliile he's away.

Talking of that, I hear that in England they are going to appoint a
few Suffering Bishops.

But to return. The Roman Bishops, who haven't any seas, are
called Bishops in Artichokes—why I don't know.

Everybody out of their pail is an errotic. I am one; but really if
the Riddle Commissaries at home are going to make altercations in the
old Church Service, and have a new Dictionary read from the decks on
Sunday instead of the well-known Lessons, I shall be inclined to
become a Roman Candlestick myself, or a member of some Dysentery
body.

The River Tiger has risen and gone back again. There was a fox-
chase outside the walls. The hounds and people met at the tomb of
Silly Meddler. Cheerful spot, I should say.

Yours truly,

Lavinia R.. Junior.

A Complication.

M. Ledrtj Rollin is, they say, to be counsel for the Noir family at
the trial of Prince Piekre Bonaparte. Bother! Shan't we have a
flood of " Rollin's Ancient History ? " Eor, like the Bourbons, our
friend L. R. has forgotten nothing, and learned nothing. However,
we can forgive him a deal for having fixed on Rocheeort the title of
a Gamin de Paris. Will M. Rollin call him that when mentioning
the Prince's challenge to the said Rochefort ?

the two simons.

M. Jules Simon has been speaking wisely in the Legislative Body
for Pree Trade. May the countrymen of that gentleman prefer the
counsels of Jules Simon to those of Simple.

PUNCH'S SAUCE AND HARVEY'S MEDITATIONS.

Some Conservatives have been holding festival at Newport, in the
Isle of Wight. The stars seem to have been chiefly Captains and
Parsons. Now Captains and Parsons have a perfect right to dine
together, and to make what they are pleased to think Conservative
speeches. Also a Captain Harvey, one of the magnates, had an
entire right to say—

" Receive then the toast I have proposed to you with three such cheers as
shall be heard by our brother Conservatives at Ryde—while the echoes,
perhaps, may waft them to Osborne, and they may fall, not ungratefully, on
the ears of our Queen, causing a throb of pleasure in her heart, for she will
feel them to be the cheers of her Conservative subjects, who earnestly hope
she may be spared for long years to reign over them."

The sentiment is that of a loyal soldier, so we will not dwell upon
the remembrance of a certain picture by a great artist (long dear to
Punch) who depicted a musical lodger playing a big drum and trumpet
in the next room to that of a sick neighbour, and alleging that the
sound might " soothe the invalid to a gentle slumber." Possibly, how-
ever, the plash of the sea-waves might be more agreeable to a delicate
Lady than the shouts of a lot of jovial Tories at dinner. Passing this,
Mr. Punch begs distinctly to deny Captain Harvey's right to distort
the original meaning of what he calls a famous old song. He was down
upon " work-hating mobs," whose views he described in the following
quotation :—

" My eye! what jolly times for we.
We '11 swig all day, and live rent free,
And make them lords eat husk and bran,
And kiss the big toe of the small coal man."

These elegant lines are not from a famous old song, bat from a squib
in the John Bull of old days. Written, Mr. Punch believes, by Mr.
Theodore Hook, they were directed against no less distinguished an
aristocrat than Mr. Lambton, afterwards Lord Durham, whose coal-
properties and advanced creed were thus delicately satirised. He was
the Small Coal Man, and it was farther stated that—

" He says that when he has control
He '11 make all things dog-cheap—but Coal,
And gin shall flow in each man's can,
Says my prime little trump of a Small Coal Man."

More by token, the object of this elegant wit didn't like it, and
brought an action, and recovered damages. Mr. Punch is (in one
respect only) like unto a personage in a play by Ben Jonson. " When a
quirk or quiblin does 'scape thee, and thou dost not watch and appre-
hend it, and bring it afore the Constable of Conceit, let them carry
thee out of"—thy easy chair, and seat thee at a Conservative meeting
of Captains and Parsons, shouting to the Queen.

SQUARE MEN IN ROUND HOLES.

" A little bird that can sing and won't sing must be made to sing,"
we used to be told in the nursery. But what if the little bird, or great
bird, can't sing ? It is not worth its keep, unless for the table. But
you can't cook such a Goose as a Home-Secretary, or such a Booby as
a Chief Commissioner of Works. If the former is incompetent to
exercise his legal power of determining what fares cabmen may reason-
ably charge, and the latter cannot perform his proper function of
superintending public monuments, buildings, and parks from ignorance
of Art, send them about their business, or put them in places which
they are fit to fill:—

Neither Ayrton nor Bruce,

We '11 call booby or goose,
But they both, where they 're posted, are sticks of no use

—and may, with all due respect to Mr. Gladstone's discernment, be
said to be Ministerial duffers.

Self-Help for the Labouring Classes.

"Help yourself " is the pith of the advice now generally given by
speechifying politicians and statesmen to the working man that would
be if he could, but is unemployed for want of employment. " Help
myself ? " may be conceived to be the reply. " You just put a leg
o' mutton and trimmins afore me, and see if 1 don't."

Explanation.

A Bankrupt, who had been a great epicure, said that he coulJ
produce receipts from various people for the last twenty years.
On examination, they all proved to be receipts for dishes.

New Legal Definition.—A Copyholder— A Compositor.

Dish for Diddled Shareholders.—Bubble and Scueak.