Punch (58.1870)

May 14, 1870.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

189

A DEFINITION.

Shoeblack (pointing to Unsteady Party by the lamp-post). " Tea-Totaller on

' the Strike,' Sir ! "

KING MAW OR ANOTHER ?

" Under which King, Bezoaian ? Speak or die ! "

Shall Maw be King ? He better had,

If it is understood
That every man, not being mad,

Seeks but material good.
Then, as refined hogs, let us roll

In luxury, for squash,
Without concern for mind or soul ;

With turtle-soup for wash.

Then all the cunning of our hands,

And study of our brains,
Will serve but to fulfil.demands

For barley-meal and grains ;
Grains, so to speak, and barley-meal:

Choice viands, dished with skill,
And, added thereunto, some deal

Of transcendental swill.

Saint Electricity, Saint Steam,

Invoking, we may cry,
Increase our wealth ; bid Nature teem

With plenty for the stye.
MAW-worship being our belief,

Philosophers, then we
May boast ourselves among the chief;

True Bacon's sons to be.

Snort, grunt, and snuffle, scream, and squeak,

O music of the Spheres,
When hogs do grub, competing, seek,

Together by their ears !
So shall they join in chorus, who

Would fain be truly wise;
Such be this planet's tribute to

The concert of the skies ?

Yes, making prog our sole pursuit,

If piggish ways are ours,
Like hogs if in the fields we root,

And never mind the flowers.
No, if, unlike the swine that need,

In nose, restrictive ring,
We spare the flowers, meanwhile we feed,

And Maw is not our King.

SADDUCISMUS TKIUMPHANS.

A Paragraph in a contemporary, headed " Superstition in Devon-
shire " contains the following defence, addressed by an old shoemaker
named Burch to the Barnstaple Magistrates, before whom he was
charged with assaulting an old woman by scratching her in the arm:—

" Gentlemen, I have suffered five years' affliction from her. I have been
under her power, and more than a hundred people advised me to fetch blood
of that woman to destroy the spell. I have lost 14 canaries, and from 40 to 50
goldfinches ; as fast as I got them they died, and I have had five complaints
brought upon me at once."

On hearing this declaration :—

" The Mayor said that it was most extraordinary that such ignorance and
superstition should prevail in the present enlightened age."

In the present enlightened age persons of position in society and of
education believe that they shake hands with spirits at dark seances.
His Worship the Mayor of Barnstaple cannot have known that, or
he would not have called the belief in witchcraft ignorance and super-
stition. If spiritualism is true, sorcery is possible, and, as there is no
legal remedy against it, old Burch may be considered to have been
justified in taking the law into his own hands for self-protection.
Accordingly since he was fined 2s. 6d. and costs, and, as he couldn't
pay the money, sent to prison, perhaps a subscription to get him out of
gaol, and make him amends for the trouble he has got into, will be
raised amongst affluent and superior " spirit circles." For if one
medium can float about a room, why may not another ride upon a
broomstick ?

The Greater Guy Fawkes Day.

" All the world," writes the Times Correspondent at Rome, "has
heard of Roman fireworks." It has. Happily, however, in the pre-
sent age, those fireworks are such as we should be only too proud to
emulate, if we could, on cur Fifth of November.

Teh pence-halfpenny per diem is offered by an advertiser in one
of last week's papers, to any lady who is willing to undertake the
duties of governess to five children and look after their "wardrobes."
She must have a thorough knowledge of English, Music, French, and
so on—we were nearly writing " sew on," for the situation seems to
combine that of a seamstress with that of governess. Those ladies
who may be on the look-out for such windfalls will feel it an extra in-
ducement to strive for the lucky berth when they are informed that
the salary is to " include laundress." There is, however, a vagueness
about the manner in which this is expressed, and we should not be
surprised if the announcement really means that the governess is also
expected to act as family washerwoman. Why not! Remember,
Ladies, the salary is sixteen pounds ! You say that a good cook gets
more than that. Ah, but remember you are not asked to fulfil her
functions. You have simply to teach the children, English, French,
music, and of course any other accomplishments you may happen to
have acquired, and it's tenpence-halfpenny every day in the year, re-
member, and possibly you may be occasionally permitted to see your
friends.

Suggestive of a "Want.

In his excellent speech at the Royal Academy Banquet, the American
Minister is reported as saying, that " in these classic precincts, sacred
to the arts and humanities, the voice of the turtle alone is heard." We
hope there was no omission from the menu—-we trust the fat of the
turtle was also tasted.

a military blunder.

Mrs. Malaprop, reading in the Gazette that there had been some
"substantive" promotions in the Indian Army (in which she has an
Uncle-in-law) remarked that she supposed the Adjective General must
have had something to do with them.