Punch (58.1870)

March 5, 1S70.J

punch, or the london charivari.

85

COMPETITIVE CABMEN.

THE QUEST OE THE HOLY POKER.

{A Fragment overlooked by the Poet-Laureate)

Thus ebb'd and flow'd the ocean of small talk
Between us twain, we wending, till, at length,
We neared the yawning chasm but newly bridged
By Cyclopean art, too fondly deemed
Omnipotent; since steps of restless men

Where are the new nine-
penny-a-milers we were pro-
mised, with their drivers
dressed inlivery,and handing
us a ticket with their num-
bers and their fares ? We
may as well expect to find
an oyster in a cabbage as a
ticket proffered to us when
we jump into a cab. Yet
whar, is possible in Paris
may be surely done in Lon-
don, if Parliament so please.
Repeal the Act of last year,
which is virtually valueless,
and give more power to the
elbows of inspectors and
police, llefuse to license
rickety hansoms and ram-
shackle four-wheelers, such
as now for dirty night-work
prowl about the streets.
rLy R=—"i^jt,. " _ ' Encourage conscientious-

r\' P ——~ ' ~ ness, civility and cleanliness

by every practicable means.
Give rewards for all the articles, especially umbrellas, which are
brought, to the Lost Office when left, in any cab. Dismiss all drunkards,
and extortioners, and users of foul language, upon the first well-
proved offence. Encourage competition for every vacant drivership,
and choose the right man for the place by the test of an examination
paper such as this :—

hy should not cabmen be
elected by public competi-
tion, as well as other civil—
perhaps, not too civil—ser-
vants ? Free trade has
failed at present to improve
them or their vehicles, as

we fondly hoped it might. And tlmndering warns had rent the granite piers

That bore the mass. We passed to where the wand
Of magian deft had smit down Middle Bow
And given Holborn to the smile of Day
And Martin : turned the angle of the street
Where Chatterton, indignant, spurned the world ;
When lo, upon our gaze monastic piles
Flashed suddenly ; and many a sad-robed priest
And spinster, habited in garb of eld,
Sped ever to the shrine. Awhde we stood
Musing of Time's mutations, as we marked
How strangely showed the ways of Moyen.Age
Cropping above this nineteenth century.
So lound I then a voice : " And deemest thou,
Young neophyte, the object of thy search,
The Holy Poker of Mosaic fame,
Lies yonder in St. Alban's sanctuary ? "
He, wondering, spread abroad bis cloak of serge,
Wrought in correctest shape by Cox & Co ,
And underneath his wide-rimmed billycock,
Showing a face all wan with pious fasts
And lengthened macerations, thus unbosomed
His ardent hopes.

" Was it not yonder priest,
The holy Heriot, who, in former days,
Led, to the blazing of five hundred dips,
The faithful in procession? Was't not he
Who, when the Arches Court forbade to kneel,
Fell back on genuflexions, splitting hairs ?
And, when he " elevated," drew the line
At the low limit of his proper cranium ?
Is it not here that every olden rite
And custom banished by the advancing tide
Of common sense (so-called) yet liveth still
With feline immortality ? Then here
We well may deem, if doomed at all to find

1. How long have you studied the topography of London !J And to
what points of the suburbs does your knowledge now extend?

2. Describe the shortest, cut, from Highbury to Houndsditch; and
state by what routes you would drive a countryman, a foreigner, and ; The relic, that success shall crown our quest
a London lawyer's clerk ; and what would be the fare demanded in
each case.

3. When you are asked to carry luggage from your cab into a house,
whereof the door is opened hy a footman in plush breeches, do you or
not consider you are privileged to grumble, unless paid a shilling extra
for saving him the job ?

4 Under what provocation do you deem yourself entitled to call a
man "no gentleman"? Would you do so for his giving you a trifle
less than double what you know is the right fare ?

5. If you found left, in your cab a purse of coin, an opera-glass, a
packet of sandwiches, a cigar-case, a portmanteau, an overcoat, a
pocket-book, a flask of sherry, an old walking-stick and a bran new silk
umbrella, which of these articles, if anv, would you take to Scotland
Yard ?

6. If you were hailed simultaneously by a gentleman with a small
hand-bag and a gentleman with three ladies and a quantity of luggage,
by whom would }ou consider that you were first engaged ?

7. Under what circumstances do vou think it pays to be insulting to 11
a lady?

8. With what per centage of excess upon the proper legal fare do
you consider yourself satisfied, after candidly professing utter ignorance
of distance, and humbly saying to a swell that " you leaves it to his
honour"?

9. Do you consider yourself privileged to smoke inside your cab ? O sparrow, sparrow, sparrow, flying south,
And if so, what excuses can you invent for doing so ? Or east, or west, or north-north-east-by-east!

10. How much short of half a sovereign would tempt you on a wet Be this thy chart of flight—Act on the Square,
night from Regent Street, to liampstead ? . - ,. .

11. Suppose a swell in Piccadilly were to tell you to drive him to Sr^™1"?!.-1*3js.?™5 Ti^*!^^"?
Whitechapel, in how many miles and hours would you reach your
destination? What amount of fare would your honesty of conscience
permit you to demand? And, in case of a dispute, what vehemence of
language could you adduce To back your statement that " the streets
is most all hup, and so we 'ad to come a bit sirskewertous" ?

12. When hired by the hour, has your wish to give aood money's-
worth ever lured you to such speed, that you have felt yourself in
danger of a fine for furious driving ?

The Real Bridgewater Canal.—The Voter's Breeches-Pocket.

So saying, we sought the cloister. Yet before
Its ponderous gate clashed on our entering >teps,
A passing minstrel, fresh from Leather Lane,
Of garb Italian, tuned his organ-pipe
To accents of contagious melody
Sung nightly by the bards in Weston's Hal!:
And from the circling crowd, one little voice,
Clear as the shrill pipe of an Echo-boy,
Took up the sweet refrain—Act on the Square.

SONG.
I.

" 0 ye who seek to find, yet, seeking, miss
The seeker's goal, and crown of all success
If seeking, still ye search—Act on the Square.

Fain would ye hear the words from friendly lips
Fall like a benediction 'All serene?'
Be this your motto still—Act on the Square.

nr.

We lefl the world behind the gate, and passed.

A Suggestion for Mr. Scudamore.

The Clerk in the Government Telegraph Office that really warns
cashiering is the Clerk of the Weather. He has been a general nuisance
lately, and has done all he could to upset the new system, with only
too much success.

A Law Suit.—Wig, Gown, and Bands.