DOI issue:
February 5, 1870
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16885#0061
February 5. 1870.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. _ 51
want. Go on again with Index : " Reptiles, Insects, Maladies, Kitchen,
Cellar, Servants, Mountains, Rivers, Agricultural Implements.'' Hang
these things! Where are Adjectives, good strong Adjectives ?
" Affirmative Phrases, Negative Phrases." This is nearer, warm, as
children say in hide-and-seek. "Ecclesiastical Dignities." Cold again.
"Music" Absolutely chilly. " Field Sports." Oh. bother! Ha!
" Imperative Phrases." Warmer. " With a Woollen Draper." Lost it
once more. "J Lady at her Toilet." Toilet may be of some use to me
now. " The Master before getting up."
Happy Thought.—Look out Imperative Phrases. Lady at Toilet, and
Before getting up. Combine some words for present use.
The attendant has finished. The bath is steaming. "Nice bard," he
says. " Nice ; hot ; dirty." Here he points to 30° Reaumur on the
thermometer.
Happy Thought.—I understand him at last. He thought I wanted
the bath at thirty, what he calls dirty.
No : Dr. Caspar particularly said 27°.
Happy Thought.—Point to that number on Thermometer. Hit myself
on the chest, frown, say " No no, Nein Nein, Ich wiinsch ([ mean I
want) twenty-seven. Doctor order."
" Not dirty ? " he asks, in astonishment.
"Nein, Nein" I reply, we are beginning to understand one another
beautifully. "I said dirty, not Thirty "—pause to let him digest this.
He is intelligent. He smiles. "Ah!" he says, and pulls a huge
wooden plug out of the bath, I suppose to alter the temperature.
Happy Thought.—While he is busy look out The Master before
getting up. Here it is—" Peter what o'clock is it ?" " Will you
shave ? " No. Ah, here, " You must give me my cotton stockings with
my boots and my kerseymere trousers "—pretty dress ! " Give me
my boots, as the streets must be dirty." Dirty—here we are. [N.B.
German manners and customs deduced from Conversation-Book ;
ex.gr. if the weather hadn't been dirty, he'd have gone out without his
boots.] " Dirty " is Schmuzig.
Happy Thought.—"Das Wasser in dem Bad ist Schmuzig."
He is indignant. To prove his assertion of its cleanliness he takes a
handful and drinks it. Solvitur bibendo. I am satisfied.
The bath is ready—and so am I. A voice, resounding beneath the
small dome, whence daylight comes iD, calls out something.
" Kommen," replies the attendant, aud leaves me to my bath. I am
to stop in half an hour, and forty minutes if I can do so. Now to
commence.
MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.
First Visit to the Baths--I choose the nearest baths, not the
Kaiserbad, which is the largest and grandest, and where the baths form
PaAmreceivedeb'y a courteous elderly lady and her daughter, who look
as if I was the last person they had expected to see.
Happy Thought.—Say what I've come for. A few baths. Will I
take them all at once, which is cheaper, or not ? I don't quite under-
stand: possibly because I am talking French (in English), and they are
speaking the same language (in German). Becoming intelligible to one
another, I ascertain that their question is one of tickets. I take a lot,
recklessly, paying I don't know quite how much, in thalers. Elderly
lady smiles encouragingly on me, and asks me if I will descend the
steps ? If they lead'to the baths, yes. They do. Elderly lady sounds
a bell. I descend, and pass through the glass folding-doors into a
passage with whitewashed walls and ceiling, and a row of small doors
on either side.
First Impression.—Prison on the Silent System.
A small, fresh-faced man, in a chronic state of mild perspiration,
looking, in his white jacket and apron, something like a superior
French cook without a cap, appears before me, and says—
" Good morning, sare."
Happy Thought. — Bath-man speaks English: in case the bath
shouldn't agree with me, useful. " Which bard ? " he asks, laconically,
and allows me to look in at the doors of several cells. No prisoners in
just now. Attendant shakes his head. "Late for bard {bath)," he
says. " Twenty, dirty, men season." From which I readily gather, that
in the season, which is now almost past (there are three days more of
it) the baths are full.
Finding that I don't make up my mind on the subject, he settles it
for me peremptorily, and showing me into a cell, observes, "Nice bard,"
and shakes his head solemnly, as much as to say, " You couldn't get a
better than this, if you tried ever so much." The compartment I am in,
is a small undressing-room of the very plainest description : either a
cell, as struck me at first, in a prison, or in the monastery of a very
ascetic order.
Happy Thought.—The Bathing Monks. Never were any, I fancy.
Good idea. Might suggest it to ecclesiastical authorities.
The bath is where the sitting-room would be if these were lodgings
with apartments en suite.
At first sight there appears to be a sort of scum on the water, which
suggests my remark to the attendant. " Dirty ! "
He smiles. "Goot," he replies. "Dirty; goofc," and dips a large
thermometer into the bath.
This doesn't satisfy me as to its cleanliness. On the wall is a notice,
informing the visitor that he has a right to insist upon seeing the bath
prepared in his presence, by order of the Committee.
1 draw the attendant's attention to this, and then pointing to the
bath, I shake my head, and say emphatically, and with an air of disgust,
"Dirty!"
Happy Thought.—Wish Mr. Payne, the pantomimist, were here.
Wonder how he'd explain my meaning to the attendant.
The man nods in reply, "Yah so; dirty; hot," which is not a cheer-
ing view. I've seen " Third Class " written up over the doors of Baths
and Wash-houses in London. It strikes me that mine will be something
of this sort unless I can explain that I do insist upon its being prepared
in my presence.
Happy Thought.—My Conversation-Book is in my pocket. Difficult
to find the correct place at once, so as to exactly suit the occasion.
Open quickly, and come upon
The Chandler.....Der Lichtzieher.
The Chimney Sweeper . . Der Kaminfeger.
No; that won't do. Still it will be useful to know where to find the
Chandler and Chimney-S weeper when I do want them another time.
Happy Thought —Mark the place. Look at Index for " Bath "
"Dirty," and "Clean."
Is the Index at the end or beginning ?
Look at the end. No. Only "Models for Notes." "Note on not .
finding a person at home." " Note of invitation " " Note of aDoloT " evidence m a disgraceful manner. Ihe Chief Justice said the word ' dis-
tt„^, rpi^.^it Tv/r i +1, tt c i ,• -r , . I graceful' was not inopportune, but he did not think it was to the witness that
Happy lhought.-M.axY these. Useful another time. Index in | it ought to be applied Justices Lush, Blackburn- and Mellor concurred."
—Notes of Cases in Q. B.
THE MUSIC OF THE FUTURE.
" It is proposed to give all Railway Whistles a musical pitch."
This is, or rather will be, a good hearing for excruciated travellers,
tortured householders forced to live near stations, and terrified cattle
pasturing in fields adjoining lines of railway, and we record the
announcement with a note of satisfaction. The various Companies will,
we are sure, act in concert, as is their usual practice, and adopt a uni-
form pitch for all the whistles in the Kingdom ; holding for this
purpose a Harmonic Meeting, at which the question will be settled
without the interruption of a single discordant voice. One thing the
Directors must not do —whatever expense may be incurred in giving
the Engines, their Drivers, and Firemen a musical education, it must
not be made a pretext for raising the fares ; that would be paying too
dear for our whistle. ,
If the Costermongers, the Dustmen, and the vendors of various
indispensable commodities in our cheerful and exquisitely clean streets
and thoroughfares, could be taught to use their voices in a melodious
manner, everybody's comfort and tranquillity would be greatly in-
creased in this happy Metropolis.
A MUCH NEEDED LESSON.
" Chief-Justice Cockburn", in ordering the rule to be made absolute for
a mandamus to the Election Commissioners at Bridgewater to grant Mr.
Lovibond his certificate of indemnity, passed a bitter censure on the Commis-
sioners— clearly singling out Mr. Chisholm Anstey — for their brow-
beating of the witness. Mr. Anstey had accused Mr. Lovibond of giving
beginning. Under what heading? Don't know. Begin at the
beginning. Bother : it's not alphabetical, and it occupies four pages
of small print.
The attendant is busy preparing my bath.
I run my eye and finger quickly down the first page of " Contents."
Happy Thought—-It ought to be dis-contents. (N.B. Work this up •
do for something of Sheridan's or Sidney Smith's • more like Smith )'
Jfl^fSselere' Mm***'" ^ ammunition! "Time, Curious OMissiON.-Every Cardinal is now in Rome except th
tt ™ i- t' n \ i,r „ , Cardinal—Virtues.
Happy' TAouffAt.—Look out Man. Perhaps find " Bath-man " under--
that heading. No; on reflection, it's "dirty" and " clean" that I | The Jockey Club Perfume.—Essence of Horse-radish.
Chisholm Anstey has got what the Ring calls a "smeller,"
From Chief Justice Cockburn, Lush, Blackburn and Mellor
May the lesson teach all, who of brow-beating sort are,
That the Bath Guide's by no means a Guide at Bridgewater.
want. Go on again with Index : " Reptiles, Insects, Maladies, Kitchen,
Cellar, Servants, Mountains, Rivers, Agricultural Implements.'' Hang
these things! Where are Adjectives, good strong Adjectives ?
" Affirmative Phrases, Negative Phrases." This is nearer, warm, as
children say in hide-and-seek. "Ecclesiastical Dignities." Cold again.
"Music" Absolutely chilly. " Field Sports." Oh. bother! Ha!
" Imperative Phrases." Warmer. " With a Woollen Draper." Lost it
once more. "J Lady at her Toilet." Toilet may be of some use to me
now. " The Master before getting up."
Happy Thought.—Look out Imperative Phrases. Lady at Toilet, and
Before getting up. Combine some words for present use.
The attendant has finished. The bath is steaming. "Nice bard," he
says. " Nice ; hot ; dirty." Here he points to 30° Reaumur on the
thermometer.
Happy Thought.—I understand him at last. He thought I wanted
the bath at thirty, what he calls dirty.
No : Dr. Caspar particularly said 27°.
Happy Thought.—Point to that number on Thermometer. Hit myself
on the chest, frown, say " No no, Nein Nein, Ich wiinsch ([ mean I
want) twenty-seven. Doctor order."
" Not dirty ? " he asks, in astonishment.
"Nein, Nein" I reply, we are beginning to understand one another
beautifully. "I said dirty, not Thirty "—pause to let him digest this.
He is intelligent. He smiles. "Ah!" he says, and pulls a huge
wooden plug out of the bath, I suppose to alter the temperature.
Happy Thought.—While he is busy look out The Master before
getting up. Here it is—" Peter what o'clock is it ?" " Will you
shave ? " No. Ah, here, " You must give me my cotton stockings with
my boots and my kerseymere trousers "—pretty dress ! " Give me
my boots, as the streets must be dirty." Dirty—here we are. [N.B.
German manners and customs deduced from Conversation-Book ;
ex.gr. if the weather hadn't been dirty, he'd have gone out without his
boots.] " Dirty " is Schmuzig.
Happy Thought.—"Das Wasser in dem Bad ist Schmuzig."
He is indignant. To prove his assertion of its cleanliness he takes a
handful and drinks it. Solvitur bibendo. I am satisfied.
The bath is ready—and so am I. A voice, resounding beneath the
small dome, whence daylight comes iD, calls out something.
" Kommen," replies the attendant, aud leaves me to my bath. I am
to stop in half an hour, and forty minutes if I can do so. Now to
commence.
MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.
First Visit to the Baths--I choose the nearest baths, not the
Kaiserbad, which is the largest and grandest, and where the baths form
PaAmreceivedeb'y a courteous elderly lady and her daughter, who look
as if I was the last person they had expected to see.
Happy Thought.—Say what I've come for. A few baths. Will I
take them all at once, which is cheaper, or not ? I don't quite under-
stand: possibly because I am talking French (in English), and they are
speaking the same language (in German). Becoming intelligible to one
another, I ascertain that their question is one of tickets. I take a lot,
recklessly, paying I don't know quite how much, in thalers. Elderly
lady smiles encouragingly on me, and asks me if I will descend the
steps ? If they lead'to the baths, yes. They do. Elderly lady sounds
a bell. I descend, and pass through the glass folding-doors into a
passage with whitewashed walls and ceiling, and a row of small doors
on either side.
First Impression.—Prison on the Silent System.
A small, fresh-faced man, in a chronic state of mild perspiration,
looking, in his white jacket and apron, something like a superior
French cook without a cap, appears before me, and says—
" Good morning, sare."
Happy Thought. — Bath-man speaks English: in case the bath
shouldn't agree with me, useful. " Which bard ? " he asks, laconically,
and allows me to look in at the doors of several cells. No prisoners in
just now. Attendant shakes his head. "Late for bard {bath)," he
says. " Twenty, dirty, men season." From which I readily gather, that
in the season, which is now almost past (there are three days more of
it) the baths are full.
Finding that I don't make up my mind on the subject, he settles it
for me peremptorily, and showing me into a cell, observes, "Nice bard,"
and shakes his head solemnly, as much as to say, " You couldn't get a
better than this, if you tried ever so much." The compartment I am in,
is a small undressing-room of the very plainest description : either a
cell, as struck me at first, in a prison, or in the monastery of a very
ascetic order.
Happy Thought.—The Bathing Monks. Never were any, I fancy.
Good idea. Might suggest it to ecclesiastical authorities.
The bath is where the sitting-room would be if these were lodgings
with apartments en suite.
At first sight there appears to be a sort of scum on the water, which
suggests my remark to the attendant. " Dirty ! "
He smiles. "Goot," he replies. "Dirty; goofc," and dips a large
thermometer into the bath.
This doesn't satisfy me as to its cleanliness. On the wall is a notice,
informing the visitor that he has a right to insist upon seeing the bath
prepared in his presence, by order of the Committee.
1 draw the attendant's attention to this, and then pointing to the
bath, I shake my head, and say emphatically, and with an air of disgust,
"Dirty!"
Happy Thought.—Wish Mr. Payne, the pantomimist, were here.
Wonder how he'd explain my meaning to the attendant.
The man nods in reply, "Yah so; dirty; hot," which is not a cheer-
ing view. I've seen " Third Class " written up over the doors of Baths
and Wash-houses in London. It strikes me that mine will be something
of this sort unless I can explain that I do insist upon its being prepared
in my presence.
Happy Thought.—My Conversation-Book is in my pocket. Difficult
to find the correct place at once, so as to exactly suit the occasion.
Open quickly, and come upon
The Chandler.....Der Lichtzieher.
The Chimney Sweeper . . Der Kaminfeger.
No; that won't do. Still it will be useful to know where to find the
Chandler and Chimney-S weeper when I do want them another time.
Happy Thought —Mark the place. Look at Index for " Bath "
"Dirty," and "Clean."
Is the Index at the end or beginning ?
Look at the end. No. Only "Models for Notes." "Note on not .
finding a person at home." " Note of invitation " " Note of aDoloT " evidence m a disgraceful manner. Ihe Chief Justice said the word ' dis-
tt„^, rpi^.^it Tv/r i +1, tt c i ,• -r , . I graceful' was not inopportune, but he did not think it was to the witness that
Happy lhought.-M.axY these. Useful another time. Index in | it ought to be applied Justices Lush, Blackburn- and Mellor concurred."
—Notes of Cases in Q. B.
THE MUSIC OF THE FUTURE.
" It is proposed to give all Railway Whistles a musical pitch."
This is, or rather will be, a good hearing for excruciated travellers,
tortured householders forced to live near stations, and terrified cattle
pasturing in fields adjoining lines of railway, and we record the
announcement with a note of satisfaction. The various Companies will,
we are sure, act in concert, as is their usual practice, and adopt a uni-
form pitch for all the whistles in the Kingdom ; holding for this
purpose a Harmonic Meeting, at which the question will be settled
without the interruption of a single discordant voice. One thing the
Directors must not do —whatever expense may be incurred in giving
the Engines, their Drivers, and Firemen a musical education, it must
not be made a pretext for raising the fares ; that would be paying too
dear for our whistle. ,
If the Costermongers, the Dustmen, and the vendors of various
indispensable commodities in our cheerful and exquisitely clean streets
and thoroughfares, could be taught to use their voices in a melodious
manner, everybody's comfort and tranquillity would be greatly in-
creased in this happy Metropolis.
A MUCH NEEDED LESSON.
" Chief-Justice Cockburn", in ordering the rule to be made absolute for
a mandamus to the Election Commissioners at Bridgewater to grant Mr.
Lovibond his certificate of indemnity, passed a bitter censure on the Commis-
sioners— clearly singling out Mr. Chisholm Anstey — for their brow-
beating of the witness. Mr. Anstey had accused Mr. Lovibond of giving
beginning. Under what heading? Don't know. Begin at the
beginning. Bother : it's not alphabetical, and it occupies four pages
of small print.
The attendant is busy preparing my bath.
I run my eye and finger quickly down the first page of " Contents."
Happy Thought—-It ought to be dis-contents. (N.B. Work this up •
do for something of Sheridan's or Sidney Smith's • more like Smith )'
Jfl^fSselere' Mm***'" ^ ammunition! "Time, Curious OMissiON.-Every Cardinal is now in Rome except th
tt ™ i- t' n \ i,r „ , Cardinal—Virtues.
Happy' TAouffAt.—Look out Man. Perhaps find " Bath-man " under--
that heading. No; on reflection, it's "dirty" and " clean" that I | The Jockey Club Perfume.—Essence of Horse-radish.
Chisholm Anstey has got what the Ring calls a "smeller,"
From Chief Justice Cockburn, Lush, Blackburn and Mellor
May the lesson teach all, who of brow-beating sort are,
That the Bath Guide's by no means a Guide at Bridgewater.