Punch (58.1870)

Fbebuakt 19, 1870.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 71

CANDIDATES FOR THE CARNIFICATE.

acancy ! The Western Morn-
ing News announces the re-
tirement of Mb. Calcbaft
from the high and important
office of which he has now
for so many years discharged
the duties with firmness and
dexterity. Our occidental
and matutinal contemporary
does not enable us to state
the amount of retiring pen-
sion which will be awarded
to the ex-Executioner ; but
we trust it will be sufficient
for the maintenance of the
dignity suitable to a Peerage,
should Her Majesty be
advised to confer that honour
on a gentleman who, by his
steady and unflinching vin-
dication of the law, through-
out a lengthened career,
has achieved renown so
extensive that it has made his name a household word.

The estimation in which the arduous office so long and so worthily
filled by Mb.. Calcbaft is generally held may be computed from the fact
that no less than 134 applications have been made, by so many gentle-
men, for the lucrative honour of being appointed his successor. This
number has, by the authorities with whom that appointment rests,
been reduced to seven, from whom the final choice is to be made.
What principle will determine the selection, we do not know; but
analogy may suggest that of competitive examination. One of the

Mb. Toll should be instituted to succeed Mr. Calcbaft, the Herald's
College should furnish him with a fitting coat-of-arms, whereunto the
motto might be " Tollere Vitam."

THE NEW GREAT EASTERN.

Scene — Private Dining Room. The Archbishop of Syra is being

entertained and interviewed.

Dean Stanley. I am delighted to see your Grace here. {Passes some
Greek wine to the Archbishop.)

Archbishop (knowingly, in most modern Greek). O. vw @avnv '\Kavyer
dlaaru/j.. TlopT<pbpne. (The Guests drink Greek wine out of compliment
to their visitor.)

Ebor. After luncheon a few friends are going to present you with an
address on behalf of the English Church. It's the same sort of idea
as the Provincial Mayors and Mayoresses giving that present the other
day to the King of the Belgians in the name of England.

Mr. Purchas (from Brighton, on his knees). Will your Holiness
permit me to kiss the hem of your robe ? {Is permitted, and carefully
examines it. Aside to himself:) My ! What a beauty, I '11 get my con-
gregation to subscribe for a suit of dittos like this for me. (Takes a
mental photograph of the material and cut. Aloud:) I thank your
Holiness in the name of the English Branch of the Catholic Church.

Dean Stanley (laughing). Branch! Yes, Mb. Pubchas, it strikes
me that you've rather lately been, as the (Si^rai have it, " Up a tree."
(To the Abchbishop of Syba.) May I assist your Grace to a little
more ? The undercut ?

Archbishop of Syra. 'l<pv TrAf/J'. 'TpSieeeps ape e^eWevr. Ma irtp-
/UTTeS r'daK(pop av/j. Tr6pr£p inrreS o<p 6e Xiopr.

Dean Stanley, fl Ta^i'as ! I mean, here waiter, the tankard to his Grace.
Dean Alford (after dinner). Permit me, in honour of our distinguished
visitor, to propose a toast. My Lords and Gentlemen, let us drink the
health of " Liddell and Scott." (Drunk with three times three.)
seven candidates, spoken of as peculiarly adapted for the situation j Dean Stanley (finishing his speech). I congratulate the Archbishop on

which they aspire to, is already a member of the Civil Service, being a | being the nearest approach to the High Priest of Apollo that I have
workman employed in the boat-house at the Devonport Dockyard, ever, as yet, had the pleasure of meeting. I regret that my esteemed
named Toll. Previously to his entrance on his present occupation friend, Lobb Lytton, is not here to tell us something about the
Mb. Toll is said to have enjoyed a popular celebrity as a "clever pig-, Pythoness.

killer." Erom this circumstance it may be inferred that the employ- j Bishop of London. She was in my diocese. That is, if the Zoological

ment which he is now desirous of embracing will, should he succeed in
obtaining it, be a labour of love. Phrenology suggests that Mb. Toll
is one of those persons whose brains are distinguished by an exceed-
ingly large development of the Organ of Benevolence, which in his
case causes the sentiment associated with it to take the direction of
desiring to minimise the inconvenience inflicted in the necessary des-
truction of life. Of course a pretty full allowance of Destructiveness
must be supposed co-existent with Benevolence to give it this turn,
and a phrenologist would expect to find that combination exemplified
by the head of Mb. Toll. Hitherto Mb. Toll has limited the exercise
of' his modified humanity to conferring euthanasia on those lower
animals which by his dexterity in slaying he earned the name for clever-
ness above specified. He now, apparently seeks, installed in the room
of Mb. Calcbaft, to gratify an amiably destructive impulse by ex-
tending the benefit of that peculiar cleverness to condemned criminals,
and dismissing them from life with " happy despatch."

The Western Morning News describes Mr. Toll as a "stalwart
labourer." As such he is obviously just the right man to be entrusted
with the flagellation of garotters, a task which, considered as conducive
to the discouragement of cruelty, a truly benevolent man would rejoice
in performing.

It may be considered that Mb. Toll's personal qualifications for the
discharge of the Hangman's practical duties are such as to render it
advisable to dispense, in his favour, with the competitive test. The
literary attainments of Mb. Calcbaft himself, as evidenced by his
lately published correspondence, bore no proportion whatever to his
professional skill. Perhaps Mb. Toll would appear to disadvantage
j in a trial less calculated to prove a candidate's manual expertness than
; the amount of book-learning at his fingers' ends. Among his rivals
there may be certain literary men, solicitous to add the emoluments of
' a permanent office to a precarious income. Their number may include
, writers for the Press, accustomed to advocate the retention of capital
i punishment. Or, very likely some of them are critics who find con-
genial employment in the elaboration of severe reviews, and gratify
I the same propensity in cutting up an author as that which,
I in the old days of punishment for high treason, may have made
I Jack Ketch delight in quartering a rebel. These gentlemen would
\ probably be found to excel Mb. Toll in erudition, although unequal
| to him in manipulating a noose, or wielding a cat-o'-nine-tails.
I We cannot quit this subject without calling attention to the vast
difference existing in the relative demand for two diverse situations
. now vacant. There are 134 candidates for the office of British
j Executioner, whilst the Crown of Spain goes begging !

In conclusion, it may not be impertinent to propose that, in case

Gardens is in my diocese. (Makes a note of it; i?i order to send a
" suffragan " to look after the matter)
Guests (sedately). Order! Chair!

Dean Stanley. Never mind Dr. Jackson, Gentlemen : I suppose he
has a right to come out strongly at a " London Dinner," being him&elf
an Ordinary. (Laughter, during which the Bishop, in his nervousness,
pours some Sherry over his apron, and wonders what his wife will say to
him when he gets home) I welcome the Abchbishop of Syba—or
apropos of Apollo, let us say the Abchbishop of Lyra. (Looks towards
his Grecian Gr'ice, who bows and smiles affably thenceforth to the end of
the sitting at intervals of three minutes.) I see by his pleased counte-
nance he doesn't understand one word I am saying—(dear! Hear!
Archbishop bows violently)—but I am delighted that he should be
among us at this little dinner, because it shows that there is something
in common between the Two Churches. Gentlemen, whatever else we
may or may not do, we must dine: and I am proud to represent on this
occasion what iEscHYLUS calls the

that is, " The host of the Greeks." My Lords, Bishops and Gentlemen,
let us drink his health—

E5 yap aa(f>£)s too' "lo"t' eixol £vvt}'kiKES
that, in his own modern Greek tongue,—

CH Is a ioAAe Too5<peA\co
'AvSociaa auA o<p' vs.
'lir 'itt 'nr vppap.

[_All join in Chorus to t/ie great astonishment of the Archbishop of
Syba., who is quite overcome at being saluted with a well-known
Eastern toast in his own language.
Archbishop of Syra. MicppevBs, tit) ap at/A vvltsS—

\_At this point his Grace went into the history of heresies and schisms
for the last thirteen hundred years, with a justification of the
Greek Church, and an explanation of its peculiar tenets. This
interesting reply lasted for an hour and a half, and would have
been longer had he not been interrupted by a snore from the
Abchbishop of York and the disappearance of one of his own
Secretaries under the table. N.B. His Grace did not visit
Evans's in the evening, though he tnight have done so, and been
none the worse for it.

Sentiment fob a Niggardly Host.—" Drink to me, only with
thine eyes."